First Song

I sat with Sarah as we held on to each other for a minute or two more, tears now flowing freely. We’d give each other small squeezes now and then, but the shared sense of released tension felt wonderful.

Eventually, Sarah pulled out of my arms to look at me. Her eyes couldn’t seem to decide which of mine they wanted to look at. “So… what should I call you?” she asked, her curiosity stemming the emotional release we’d just been sharing.

I had to steel myself to answer her. This had always been a part of myself that I couldn’t let out – that no one was allowed to discover. Here I was, laying it all bare to my sister.

“Well,” I began, uncertainty edging my voice. “Dee is fine, at least until I tell Mum and Dad.”

She nodded, understanding.

“And after that?”

I took a deep breath before saying, “Erin. Call me Erin.”

She gave me an approving half-smile, then nodded, “Erin.”

It was so fucking weird to hear her say it, but I felt a thrill run up me like I’d never experienced before. After so many years of feeling like I had to hide who I really was, and to push my thoughts away, this was it. I’d finally told someone. I felt amazing.

“She, her?” she then asked, eyebrows lifting. That got a nod from me.

“So, I have a big sister,” she mumbled happily, pulling me back in for the hug.

---

We separated after several more minutes of hugging, our bowls of cereal turning soggy as they were left, forgotten.

After breakfast, we cleaned our bowls and put them away. I headed back upstairs, still relishing the memory of what had happened between Sarah and I, while she stayed downstairs. It had been so long since I’d had the opportunity to just sit and hug someone like that and I was already missing it. Opening up to each other had made me love her so much more, and I felt guilty for leaving her here when I was off at university.

I spent the rest of the morning listening to music and playing more games. Occasionally, I’d reach up to scratch at my chin or cheek, being surprised that I still wasn’t feeling any stubble. I wasn’t complaining, I was just confused.

A text from Rishaan came through while I was in the middle of conquering an enemy planet, so I paused my game and took a look at my phone.

Rish: Hey do you remember the unexploded bomb you saw?

I blinked and texted back.

Me: Of course I remember it. Why?

While I was waiting for him to reply, I looked back to the screen of my game and tried to decide whether I wanted to wait a few more months for the devastation to increase, or to invade right away.

A buzzing in my hand drew my attention back to my phone.

Rish: Some people reckon it might have been one of those meteorites that were acting weird

I shrugged my shoulders to myself as I read that and tapped out a response.

Me: So? What do you think it is?

If he says aliens…

Rish: Aliens

I sighed, fingers already tapping out a reply.

Me: Right, so they’re invading a random field with a piece of space rock. We’re doomed

I shook my head in disappointment. The only aliens that mattered right now were the ones that were stopping me from winning. I conquered the planet without a problem, then saved. My game was starting to feel stale now, and I felt the urge to go back downstairs.

After a quick check over – making sure I wasn’t accidentally wearing pink socks or something – I left my room.

Mum wasn’t anywhere to be seen in the living room – it was just my Dad there watching some eighties action film. He’d probably already seen it like ten times, but he would still watch them. I could never watch a film more than once unless it was ridiculously amazing.

“Morning, Davie,” Dad said as I was just about to turn around and leave, but he caused me to stop and look at him. Inwardly, my feelings were already starting to snap closed even at the mention of that name.

“Morning,” I replied, moving back into the room to take a seat on the other sofa.

“Your uncle Chris is coming to stay next weekend,” he told me his eyes leaving the TV to look me in the face.

Shit. I absolutely hated uncle Chris with a burning, fiery passion.

“Great, I can’t wait,” I said, deadpan.

“You’ll show him respect, alright? He’s your uncle and he’s never been anything but nice to the two of you,” he said, his voice starting to sound agitated. It was true, he’d always been nice to Sarah and me when Mum and Dad were there. He was a demeaning piece of shit when they weren’t, though. Let’s just say that he hadn’t fallen too far away from the bigot tree.

I just stared back at Dad. I knew that if I raised my voice at him that we’d end up in a full-blown argument, and I didn’t want to burst out crying in front of him. Confrontation and I do not get along.

He looked at me just as intently as I stared at him, and I could feel the situation beginning to get a bit more heated than I wanted.

Thankfully, my saviour walked into the room in the form of my lesbian sister. She gave me a smile, her expression quickly morphing to a scowl. “What’s going on?”

“I was just explaining to your brother that your uncle Chris is coming to visit next weekend, and he decided to get rude about it,” Dad explained, still looking at me.

Sarah looked at me the moment the misgendering began, her expression softening as she saw my eyes drop a little and my jaw clench. That softness died when she looked back at Dad, and I could see anger beginning to seep into her face. She took a breath.

“Why don’t you leave Dee alone for once?” she asked, exasperation in her voice as she eyed Dad.

I stood up from the sofa and walked towards the door, gently reaching to pull Sarah out by her elbow with me. Things were only going to get worse here if we stayed.

Dad didn’t seem to know what to say, just staring at Sarah like she’d slapped him in the face.

We got out of the room and moved towards the stairs. I glanced back at Sarah with the saddest smile I’d achieved in a while. “Thanks, squirt,” I managed to say to her, my voice barely above a whisper.

“He’s always mean to you. It’s unfair,” she put back.

I shrugged, arriving at the top of the stairs and waiting for her to follow, “I’m used to it by now, but thanks. I mean it. Thank you.”

She reached out again to offer me a hug, which I happily accepted. We then went back to our rooms to avoid our father.

The rest of the day was spent lounging around in my room, and I only really came out for meals. Sarah came and sat in my room over lunch and we joked about things that had happened at university and school. We hadn’t normally spent so much time together, but our recent bonding over our shared secrets had started to change that. Or at least I hoped it did. I wanted us to be close sisters.

Dinner was another tense affair, but nothing was said about what had happened earlier. It looked like Dad also didn’t want to cause any arguments, which was fine by me. I managed to bite down on my annoyance as my birth name was used in conversation, but Sarah was always there to either back me up or calm me down.

As the rest of the day sped on to bedtime, I wondered what I’d be doing tomorrow, with no one else around. Mum and Dad both worked and Sarah still had some school left in the year.

My thoughts as I eventually fell asleep went back to the dream I’d had the day before, where I was Erin.

---

I was standing in a plain, white space. I noticed with mild frustration that I seemed to have my normal, everyday body and clothing. Knitting my eyebrows together, I squinted around, turning this way and that, frantically. The space looked empty.

A moment later, shapes started to appear as if emerging from a fog. Towards the centre of the space was a glass box, a couple of metres square and one metre high, resting on a plinth. Next to it was an ornate, high-backed chair. It looked old, like Victorian, or something.

“Hello, Erin,” came a voice, soft and feminine.

The voice had come from behind me. I turned to see a translucent, softly glowing, golden image of a young woman. From what I could tell, she seemed to be wearing something of an elegant evening gown, its hem brushing against the floor as she moved. Her gaze was on me as she floated towards the glass case in the middle of the room.

“Who are you?” I asked her, remaining firmly where I stood.

“You may call me Muse,” she replied, taking a position so that the glass case was between us. I still hadn’t moved.

“Okay then, Muse. Where are we?” I asked, gesturing around at the space with a flick of my hand.

She smiled faintly, still looking at me, “We are where you reside, Erin. Inside your mind.” Her gaze elegantly shifted from me to something within the glass case – the one that she was now carefully leaning against.

This time I did move, taking a few steps closer to the container, peering into it myself. I could see that something was inside and, as I ventured closer, I noticed that it was a someone. Confusion must have been quite evident on my face as I glanced at Muse, then back at the case. She was inside – the one that I always imagined I could be. The girl with the russet hair.

“She’s pretty,” Muse commented, looking back to me.

“Yes… she is,” I breathed, and something seemed to get stuck in my throat.

She nodded curtly, looking back at the glass case. “Would it make you happy to be her?” she asked, her head tilting just a little, curious.

My eyes closed at the question. I wanted that more than anything in the world, but I couldn’t just-.

“Then I offer it to you,” she interrupted, looking back to me and causing me to open my eyes again. It was as if she’d heard my thoughts without me even voicing them.

“What? But-” I started to answer, not entirely understanding what she meant. The girl isn’t real, she was just an image that had come into my head one day and refused to leave. Since then, I’d been fantasising what it would be like to be her.

“Yes, I am aware that she isn’t real. That is the crux of our problem. I am offering to make you real, Erin.”

“How?” I managed to ask as my mind began racing. What the hell is happening? What kind of dream is this?

“The first step is the easy part. I will change your physical being. It will be painful and it will not be without danger,” she replied, her face not betraying a single hint of amusement or deceit. She was just stating facts.

“The second part is much harder,” she continued on as I just stared at her, dumbfounded. “You have to let yourself out, Erin. Allow yourself to be who you are.”

Everything was going far too fast for me and I didn’t fully understand what I was hearing. Was she offering to make me look like her? Was this even real?

“Yes, Erin. Although I would actually correct you and say that you wouldn’t just look like her. I have been watching you and I believe that I know how your species functions.”

This reading of my thoughts was actually really creepy. Please stop?

She nodded once and remained silent after that, looking at me expectantly.

“Okay, so… there’s so much to unpack here,” I eventually said, bringing my hands up to hold my face. “First question – how can you even do that?”

“You have noticed the changes to your eyes and to the hair on your face?” she enquired, eyebrows lifting.

Right, yep. Her ability to change my body is definitely a thing.

“Next question, what are you?”

This was the first time I’d seen her actually take time in answering something that I’d asked her. She turned from me for a moment, only to dramatically turn back around again a moment later. Who the hell is this woman?

“I arrived on your planet two cycles ago. We found each other when I had a much smaller host…” she trailed off, her eyes losing their focus on me momentarily. “I have been with you ever since.”

Two cycles ago? Two days ago? Okay, so that was… just as I was coming home from uni? That makes her… no… it couldn’t be?

“You were the glowy, zappy squirrel?” I asked, breaking into a laugh.

She stared at me for a heartbeat, then nodded.

“And you’re an alien?” I asked, still laughing.

Another nod.

Goddess, had Rishaan been right?

“And you want me to become the woman that I’ve always wanted to be? What’s in it for you?” I asked, folding my arms across my flat chest. Ugh.

“Your world is in peril and you are all completely unprepared. I am here to help you protect it.”

I blinked, my expression settling into something more serious. “Okay, but how do I factor into this?”

“You are going to save it.”

“And I need to be a woman for that?”

“No, I require that you be a functioning human. I live inside your mind now, Erin. I have seen what you have seen and felt what you have felt. If we are to be able to work together then I need you to be complete.”

I mean, shit. Okay. I didn’t know what ‘working together’ meant but if we’re going to save the world then I’m down. Plus, I get to finally be myself? Double down. So down. I couldn’t be more down if I tried.

She smiled.

“How quickly I attempt to alter you is your choice. A faster process will give better results but it will also be more dangerous. Your body was never intended to just recreate itself,” she said, moving back to the box and peering inside.

I swallowed nervously, now, “How can I make that kind of decision without knowing exactly what’s involved?”

“It is not without danger for me, either, Erin. If I am to do this then I will need to incorporate myself completely within you. We will become inseparable, quite literally. If one of us were to die then so would the other. Is this a risk you are willing to take?” she replied without really answering my question. I noticed that she seemed to have a habit of doing that.

“So, you don’t want to die either?” I asked, trying to get some kind of gauge on the levels of risk here.

“That would be optimal, yes.”

“Alright… how fast do you think would be best?” I asked, trying to turn the decision around on her.

She sighed at me, causing me to snort in amusement. I’d never been sighed at by an alien before.

“Fine. How dangerous would it be to happen over… say… three months?” I asked, my eyebrows lifting quizzically. Three months would be just before I go back to university.

“It would not be dangerous at all. In fact, I believe that one month would be equally as safe,” she replied.

Okay, I’m getting the feeling like she’s suggesting one month might be best, but didn’t she say faster would give better results?

“Three weeks?” I asked, starting to feel like I was haggling with her.

“It would be unpleasant for you, but it can be done.”

“Alright then. Let’s go with three weeks?” I finally decided, with a firm nod of my head. The reality of what I was actually doing right now had not fully sunk in.

She gestured back to the case in the centre of the room, but moved to take a seat on the chair. She crossed her legs delicately and watched me. All she had to do to look like a villainness was steeple her fingers.

She did. She fucking steepled her fingers and smirked at me.

I turned my attention to the glass case, looking inside again. The girl that I had seen there at first was gone, in her place was someone slightly different. The new woman had a spattering of freckles on her face, with perfectly smooth skin. Her jawline was delicate. She actually looked very similar to Sarah, if a little older, except she had the same russet hair as before.

“I am only able to do so much, but my prediction is that your biological instruction set will produce a result similar to this,” Muse remarked, her fingers still steepled.

Tears were starting to sting my eyes as I looked down at the young woman in the glass case. I kept moving closer and closer to see just a little more clearly how she looked.

“Is it acceptable?” Muse asked, rising to her feet, sweeping the skirt of her dress away so as not to get tangled. She began to walk towards me with that elegant gait, the hem of her dressing brushing against the floor again.

“I… yes… yes it is,” I managed to say, looking from the woman in the case and back to Muse. Tears were running down my cheeks now, and I reached up to wipe at them. Goddess, I’d done a lot of crying lately.

She nodded a short nod, then lifted a finger, holding it in the air in front of my face. “Remember, this has two parts. The first part is my responsibility. The second, is yours.”

She reached towards my forehead and, just as her finger was about to touch it, everything around me vanished.