Fatigue Syndrome: The Lassitude

“Ah. Really?”

I turned away as if losing interest. I already knew how to deal with such feelings. I didn’t want to experience such despair again.

I needed to take a deep breath, put my tongue in order, and then ignore and pay no attention to what was happening. Regardless of how big and heavy it was. When I turn back again, at some point everything will be resolved. Both emotions and events.

As if it’s my usual daily life.

Showing that you’re hurt was never a good idea. It was like throwing another bait to the opponent. If sharp teeth sink into my wound, I won’t be able to get up anymore. A mortally wounded creature cannot survive.

I no longer looked at Ithae. I looked at the sunset reflecting on the white ceiling. Whatever trials befell me, the world continued to rotate in its orbit. As if nothing had happened. Looking at this order of things, the problems that happened to me seemed trivial. After all, the sun will rise again tomorrow.

I discarded expectations.

To not be disappointed anymore, you can’t have any hopes. You need to wither in this illusion. Believing that someday the sun will rise for me too. Although light won’t be able to break through until they demolish the building blocking my way.

I had to drag out time like this until all my emotions ran out. To break up when the moment comes when it won’t hurt anymore. When the moment comes when there will be no more traces of him in my life.

As I’ve already experienced.

The first time is always difficult, the second time is easier.

“Kyeoul. I’m really not interested at all in where you are, who you’re with, and what you’re doing. So I’d like you not to be interested in me either.”

“Ah, Ithae.”

Why say this twice? I’ve understood enough. Maybe my answer wasn’t very satisfactory? Then should I answer: “Yes, teacher. Although you’re my partner, I won’t be interested in your personal life at all! Don’t worry.” – so that he’d be satisfied? Somehow a chuckle escaped. If so, wouldn’t it be better to just say, let’s break up? Yes. No? Well… okay. For now, okay.

From that day on, I stopped being interested in Ithae. Whether he comes late or early, whether he eats with me or not. I didn’t even ask. Maybe we treated each other like dormitory roommates. Although we’re partners, we don’t have sex. Although we’re partners, we don’t celebrate each other’s birthdays.

What is this? We’re so lame.

Remembering that time, I suddenly became interested in what changes had occurred in Ithae’s mood. Why is he behaving like this now? Maybe he stumbled on the threshold and hit his head? Or maybe he took out a life insurance policy on me?

“You said you’re not interested anymore and won’t ask. And you told me not to ask. So why are you interested now?”

“…”

“Huh?”

I insisted that Ithae answer quickly.

Hearing my words, Ithae’s face turned pale. As if he didn’t expect my question. As if my attitude seemed like some kind of threat to him. However, I didn’t want to ignore the curiosity about Ithae that had arisen for the first time in a long while.

There shouldn’t have been anything left between us. Not even such minor curiosity. I wanted to remove even the slightest possibility of remembering again. Where did you go, who so ruthlessly determined my future, and why are you left here, worrying about me?

Why did the wrong you wait for me here?

“Just. I couldn’t get in touch with you, and you weren’t coming, so I guess I was worried. I didn’t mean to reproach you. I was wrong.”

I liked that you so quickly acknowledged your mistake and apologized without putting your pride forward. Well, maybe he was worried about me out of inertia. Even without having such feelings. Now these issues are no longer important. Arguments are only important in relationships that are developing for the better. Looking for flaws in relationships that are ending is a waste of time.

Looking at the shriveled Ithae, I calmly nodded. It was an understanding different from agreement.

“I see. I was surprised because you don’t usually do this. Well, these things happen.”

“…Yes.”

“Although you’re acting brazen and doing things you shouldn’t do, I was a little uncomfortable, that’s all.”

“…So, this is…”

“No need to explain further. I’m not interested, Ithae. I’ll go to the shower first. You should go to sleep too.”

“This…”

“You have work tomorrow, right? Don’t you need to leave early? If you’re going to pick up someone for a shared ride, you’ll have a lot to do. I’ll often be coming home late. If you worry every time, we’ll both get tired. These are just trifles.”

Ithae seemed to want to say something else, he kept opening and closing his mouth, but I ignored him and walked past. For some reason, my mood didn’t just worsen, it became like a dried twisted donut. So hard that you could break a tooth if you’re not careful.

Such emotions don’t suit me at all.

The fact that he waited for me until late didn’t evoke gratitude, but rather felt burdensome. Ithae seemed to me no different from our department head. Just being around was tiring, and I wanted to leave as soon as possible.

If you wind up a clock with an already broken spring, the second hand still won’t start moving. The only option is to completely replace the parts or just throw it away. Besides, it’s easier to throw away the clock than to suffer, holding onto a broken thing and waiting for parts that will appear who knows when.

Yes. I wanted Ithae to disappear from my life. Forever.

Because I had no desire to fix him.

∞ ∞ ∞

The long journey ended.

I searched, climbing mountains and crossing rivers. Not noticing how time passed. Until the sun set, until the owls cried out, and thick clouds covered the night sky where stars were barely visible. In rain and snow, I finally found that precious thing I had been looking for so long.

…Although I said it very pompously, it actually just meant that I finally chose an apartment to rent.

Although the conclusion is a bit disappointing, I decided to sign a contract for the apartment shown by the agent from “Shine”, which I saw the first time. There was no better apartment than this, plus the owner generously lowered the price. He said something like he was just tired and wanted to close the deal quickly and not worry about it. As soon as I heard this, I immediately scheduled a meeting for tomorrow to sign the contract. I already had the money on hand. I wanted to move out of this apartment as soon as possible.

Darkness reigned in the empty apartment. I didn’t expect it, but Ithae really wasn’t home. Lately, he seems to have been coming home a little earlier than me, who was busy looking for an apartment.

After that day when I talked with Ithae, every time I came home, Ithae was at home. Of course, I was coming back late, but this guy, who should have been already asleep, was constantly awake. And waiting for me with open eyes.

When I asked if he had something to say, he just tightly pressed his lips and shook his head. What does he want from me? Now I felt uncomfortable being alone with Ithae. I didn’t know what topic to continue the conversation on. For me, Ithae had become a complex being, and I preferred him to be asleep.

“You guys don’t have much time left with me either.”

I greeted the plants that Ithae was growing. I watered you sometimes too. Remember, guys? Although it was just a few times. Not so few that I could count on my fingers… With regret, I lightly tapped them with my fingertips. The green leaves swayed slightly. Even if I didn’t want to, I couldn’t help but get attached. After all, we lived together for so long.

For now, since I was lazy, I threw myself on the couch. When I’m alone, it’s so comfortable. Lately, I’ve been tired of evening walks, my whole body aches. Today I need to rest well.

“It would be good if he came late. Yes. Or not? Maybe it’s better for you if the owner comes earlier?”

Having lost my interlocutor, I addressed the plants. Of course, my request was rejected. The plants didn’t even answer. Regardless of this, I said everything I wanted to say. Don’t you need to say goodbye to old friends?

“You’ll have a new dad. Although I didn’t take very good care of you, you shouldn’t forget me, okay? Don’t fall in love with the new dad right away, like Ithae. Apparently, he’s late because he’s driving him home after a date. Blanchot, Elizabeth. How will you deal with loneliness in the near future, huh?”

I stopped grumbling. Silence fell.

Nevertheless, it seemed that Ithae was coming home earlier than before. Although it was still late, when I came home, Ithae was always already home. Before, there were many days when he came even later.

‘What to eat for dinner?’

Today I was in a particularly good mood and involuntarily started humming. Hm-hm. I swung my legs in the air and shrugged my shoulders. Tomorrow I’ll sign the contract for the apartment, buy some furniture. I also need to look at the interior. I haven’t done this for so long that I don’t really know how to arrange everything.

When we furnished this apartment, there was a lot of Ithae’s opinion in it. An apartment fully reflecting my taste will be the second one. The first was a small studio apartment where I lived before cohabiting with Ithae. Actually, in that studio apartment, there was hardly anything that could be called interior. There was barely enough space to curl up and sleep.

I looked around nostalgically. Both the plant standing in the corner, and the incomprehensible painting on the living room wall, and even the gloomy gray blanket – all of this was Ithae’s taste.

I took my phone and ordered food from a familiar restaurant. Ithae would surely come late today too, so I chose only one portion for myself. In any case, the delivery is free, and even if there was a fee, the food was so delicious that it was worth the cost. Of course, if there was a delivery fee, I would have ordered for Ithae too and offered to split the cost equally.

My mouth was already watering. Tsk. I wiped the dry corners of my mouth with the back of my hand. I was sure they were wet, maybe it seemed to me? No, it seems saliva really flowed.