Fatigue Syndrome: The Lassitude

A snowflake fell on the bridge of my nose.

“Ah, we need to break up.”

This thought suddenly came from the cold sensation. The feeling that froze, without causing any stir in the heart, faded. Waves, calm without fluctuations. The cold air touched both cheeks.

I must have gotten old too, since such cold feels heavy. With a bitter feeling, I huddled up. I shoved my hands into my coat pockets and buried my face in my scarf.

Yes. Let’s break up.

People with obvious signs of fatigue quickly passed by me. The way home after work was always like this. Steps returning home after a hard day were not heavy. Except for me. For the past few months, I constantly thought about stopping by some cafe, not wanting to enter the dark house with the lights off.

Of course, I had many friends. There were plenty of guys who would immediately agree to hang out if I called. But that didn’t solve the underlying problem. What lay on my hands continued to become heavier.

Swallowing the approaching runny nose, I quickly walked.

Yes. There were no more reasons to desperately cling to this relationship. I needed to let go. I just needed to let go, but somehow it turned out to be so difficult.

With age, he absolutely couldn’t stand fatigue.

∞ ∞ ∞

I entered the house full of cold and turned on the light. The fluorescent lamp, bright enough to hurt the eyes, had been repaired by myself the day before yesterday. Humming, I took off my scarf. I immediately turned on the heating, so it would soon become warm. Swaying my hips, I stretched out on the couch. I carelessly hung my coat, put away the scarf too, so it seemed all urgent matters were done. I could wash up a little later.

“If the clothes get wrinkled, Ithae will grumble. But what difference does it make. He’ll come back late anyway and won’t know.”

Even 7 years of relationship turned out to be useless. Ithae, who had changed since last spring, was going through a period of apathy. Maybe because his name “Kwon Ithae” [sounds similar to “kwonthegi” – apathy]? I chuckled at the thought that suddenly came to mind. To think that the moment has come when such a dad joke seems funny. Looks like I’ve really become an old man.

The sudden feeling of self-deprecation made me grab my hair. That’s why my work colleagues tease me. It seems to be because I’ve been talking a lot with the department head lately. More and more people click their tongues, saying: “Manager Choi, you’ve become like the department head?” For a moment, I felt offended. Don’t they age themselves? You’ll see. I’m sure they’ll age even more uglily than me!

I turned on my phone and installed a real estate app. I didn’t think I’d have to install this app again. The feeling was strange. I almost cried at the thought of having to look for a rental apartment, leaving my own home. How much money did I invest to buy this apartment! Although, considering the current rise in real estate prices, I felt quite well-off.

The apartment, bought in joint ownership with Ithae, each invested exactly half. The price has already increased 7 times. It’s good that we bought it after all. My intuition was excellent. Even if I break up with Ithae, I planned to hold onto the apartment for a bit longer and then sell. Until then, Ithae can live in this apartment, so I don’t mind. Just the search for a new apartment was already tiring me out.

“Looks like he’s out with that person again today.”

I muttered to myself. With age, I started talking to myself more. The strong smell of an old man almost made me tear up.

There was a reason why Ithae was diagnosed with fatigue syndrome. Since last spring, he had someone he constantly communicated with, and at some point, he started spending evenings with them.

If you ask what I’ve been doing all this time, honestly, I have nothing to say. I just thought he probably made a new friend. Who would have thought he was flirting with someone new? And this after 7 years of relationship with me.

I felt awkward. Not that I didn’t feel anything at all. I saw the preview of messages on Ithae’s phone and confirmed how sweet their conversations were, so I just confirmed the fact of infidelity. There was no room left for excuses.

But what could I do if I couldn’t do anything more? I tried dancing in just an apron on my naked body and seducing him in sexy clothes. Didn’t I do everything possible to win back Ithae’s heart? If he didn’t get aroused looking at my body, then it’s over, what can you do?

When I found out about the infidelity, I tried to talk to Ithae.

“Who are you texting now?”

“Why are you interested? It’s interference.”

“Are you tired of this?”

“Yes.”

I stared intently at Ithae’s face, full of irritation, holding a spoon in my mouth. I blinked. He really looked irritated. I didn’t want to argue with Ithae, who only got angry at my questions. Okay. My questions irritate him. By the way, it seems Ithae hasn’t been interested in me for a long time.

“Hm… Okay. I won’t ask.”

I was tired of verbal sparring. Then, as Ithae wants, I won’t bother him. If Ithae wants to break up, he’ll tell me in advance. It was proper etiquette – to confess to your current partner before meeting a new one.

Nodding my head, I thought that Ithae’s irritation was excessive. It seemed Ithae continued to text that person. Writing messages in front of another person is impolite.

I put well-seasoned soy sauce eggplants in my mouth. They melted in my mouth incredibly. Hot pepper, lightly sprinkled with salty soy sauce. There was no better side dish than this. Now is the perfect time. If you stuff your mouth with white rice at this moment, it will be heaven, the kind that doesn’t even exist in real heaven.

I scooped up a spoon of seaweed soup and put it in my mouth. Slippery seaweed, chewy beef soaked in fragrant sesame oil. Indeed, the side dishes in this house were the best. Probably, you won’t find another place in the whole country where home-cooked food is prepared so excellently. An electric current ran through my whole body. I was completely helpless before the supreme taste.

While I emptied one bowl, Ithae hadn’t eaten even half of his portion. I patted my protruding upper stomach and looked at Ithae, who was busy with his phone. It’s boring without a conversation partner. But leaving before the other finishes eating would be impolite. I lightly kicked his leg.

“Eat faster.”

“…You go first.”

“Okay.”

Why refuse if asked to leave?

I gathered the completely emptied soup and rice bowls and headed to the sink. I heard Ithae chuckle. Is it that funny? I scratched my head.

By the way, when was the last time I laughed while talking to Ithae? We’re really drifting apart. It happens. People can’t remain unchanged forever.

Outside, petals of fully bloomed cherry blossoms were swirling. This year, Ithae didn’t suggest going to admire the flowers, so he probably won’t go with me. Yet you used to love flowers so much. I guess you’ll go with someone else.

I carefully finished washing the dishes and walked past Ithae, still sitting at the table, into the room. Not enjoying the blossom viewing is like committing a crime against spring.

[Jjukku, let’s go see the flowers]

I sent a message to Hyunseon, who was nicknamed Jjukku for his resemblance to an octopus. Hyunseon immediately replied. “Ok” – just two characters, but perfectly expressing his thought.

Pleased with the answer, I whistled while choosing stunningly stylish clothes. Although Hyunseon isn’t a beauty, he takes simply magnificent photos. Since I invited a personal photographer, the flower viewing should be satisfactory.

“I’m leaving.”

“Yeah.”

I walked past Ithae, still busy with his phone, and went outside. It was a fresh spring day.

Such things repeated for two seasons. Ithae often got irritated with me, and I just resigned myself to looking at such an Ithae. In the end, I just drew a line on the last account, crossing the level of apathy.

I scrolled through the calendar. Exactly in a week will be our 7th anniversary. Ithae probably won’t celebrate. Then I need to leave before that. It’s not easy to quickly find housing, but I didn’t want to meet the 7th anniversary, enduring until the last moment.

Since it seems Ithae has new relationships, we’ll be able to break up easily without emotional conflicts.

I also need to draw up a contract. Financial contracts are important. I was putting hearts on the apartments I liked, scrolling through the page. The time had already passed 10 o’clock, and Ithae didn’t seem to be coming home. However, I saw a message from that person last night too.

[Boss, could you treat me to a drink tomorrow? Just the two of us… hehe]

The guy writes “hehe”. How cute. Not at all like me. Is that why he attracted you? If you drink, you’ll come back late. Since you, who doesn’t like to drink, agreed, it means your feelings have already grown a lot.

“Spring, yes, spring.”

And it’s snowing outside.

On the day you confessed to me, it was snowing like this too. It was probably the first snow. I stopped my thoughts. Becoming sentimental would only be pitiful. Even if you puff up with exciting memories, they’ll burst like a balloon. My nose tickled. Maybe I should pick my nose since Ithae isn’t home?

I was about to stick my pinky in my nose but stopped. It’s better to just wash up and go to sleep. Next year I’ll already be thirty-two. This is not the behavior befitting a person over thirty. Yes, I’m already thirty-two. It’s too late to waste time on such languid relationships.

If it’s not fate, we need to break up.

For both Ithae’s sake and my own. Holding onto each other was wrong. Rather, we needed to let go and at least preserve our memories. That brilliant youth once upon a time. So that the past, which burned with a bright fire, would no longer become pitiful.

“I think there was such a phrase.”

I mumbled, wrapping a towel around my neck. It seems that being alone in such a big apartment, it’s impossible not to become pitiful. Feeling my mood becoming depressed, I swayed my hips. When I’m sad, I dance. And I do it unrestrained. Sexily. When my shoulders also started moving, I felt more cheerful.

“Break up at the most beautiful moment. How about that?”

I remembered a scene from a movie where a man and a woman say goodbye forever. They said they had to break up because they loved each other too much.

When I watched this movie, I couldn’t understand, but now, I seem to vaguely understand. Probably, they didn’t want to see each other’s bottom. Before becoming ugly. When perfect love still remains whole.

But there’s nothing to be done if we’ve already seen the bottom. If I had known it would be like this, maybe it would have been right to break up earlier? Who could have thought everything would change? But you can’t gouge out healthy eyes and pretend you didn’t see anything, right?