Fate/False Order

"Surprise? SURPRISE! WHAT THE HELL IS THE MEANING OF THIS!" I barked into the receiver, causing a few of the people walking down the street to look cautiously at the angry man yelling in English.

Glancing around, I turned my back on the onlookers, and gripped the phone tightly while waiting for Mother's response.

"Oh please, I thought it would be obvious that I'd drop everything to come on over, to get a chance to meet Arthur, or rather Artoria," Mother said offhandedly.

I could feel my brow start to furiously twitch, thanks to Mother's nonchalant tone.

"Go back," I said with annoyance dripping through my tone. "Caster is a loose cannon, Berserker is truly berserk, and a hotel was just blown up this morning," I rattled off a few 'highlights' without a hint of hesitation.

"This place is about as bad as an actual war zone," I warned. "And I'd rather have a Mother at the end of this, so please go back," I implored.

Mother gave a contemplative hum at my request.

"Hmmmm… no," Mother dismissed my request with amusement. "I have given Amelia triple pay to pick up my slack while I'm here, so like hell am I going to leave without saying hi."

I felt a small migraine form, causing me to raise a hand to massage my temples.

"Fine then, I'm using my favor, you're leaving, here and now," I demanded, causing Mother to scoff once more.

"I'm fairly sure that you have no favors large enough for me to leave, just like that," she said with a twinge of amusement.

"Yes I do, I bet that Princess Diana would divorce Prince Charls, and you agreed, and said that I'd get a favor of my choice if I was right, which I was!" I declared with certainly.

This is not how I wanted to use this favor, as I was going to use it on getting an Apache helicopter, but I don't exactly have a choice, if I want her to stay safe.

There was a momentary silence, before Mother spoke up. "I'm fairly sure that no papers for divorce have been filed," she said unmasked smugness.

She was right, but I'd rather have her on the other side of the planet, in a safe place, and not anywhere close to Fuyuki.

"Charls is having an affair with his assistant, Diana is doing the same with Hewitt and Oliver, the two can't hold a civil conversation to save the country, nor do they even live under the same roof," I said dryly. "So they are divorced in all ways that matter."

"But they haven't filed the paperwork yet, so, by definition, they aren't divorced," Mother said with unmasked glee.

I could only let out a small groan.

"Now, stop dallying, and get your ass home! I have luggage," she said huatelly.

Fuck it, might as well invite her, then I might be able to kick her out, as her 'objective' will have been fulfilled.

"No can do, I am currently eating lunch with Artoria," I replied back in the same haughty tone she had used.

There was an audible pause, where Mother was probably slack jawed at the knowledge bomb I had just dropped.

"Alistair?" Mom said quietly.

"Yes?"

"Why didn't you start with that?" Her annoyance was as clear as day, which made my lip tug up into a smile.

"Because you didn't ask," I said in a taunting tone.

There was another pause, before she spoke up again.

"Where are you?" She demanded.

"Miyama Town, shopping district," I recounted smoothly, before glancing up at the sign. "The restaurant is called Umamiya."

"... Write that down in a text, I've already forgotten what the place is called," she said with a sigh.

Sighing as well, I thought it was about time to hang up. "Sure, will do, but I have to hang up now, got lunch to eat."

Removing the phone from my ear, I could hear my mother respond.

"Ooo, order me something ni—" She was cut off with a swift press of the 'End-call' button.

I'll just pretend I didn't hear her request, the annoying old bag can wait for round two, before she orders.

Walking back through the door, I typed out the restaurant's address, and sent it to Mother through text.

Reaching our table, I saw the two give me a concerned look, causing me to release a sigh, and give the duo a dubious smile.

"There's good news, and bad news, which do you want to hear first?"

Artoria's eyes sharpened, while Irisviel gained a nervous look, and glanced between Saber and I, before opening her mouth.

"Um… Good news?" She said hesitantly.

Smiling, I pulled out my chair, and sat down. "The good news is, someone else will be paying for our lunch, so we'll be buying the most expensive foods and bottles of alcohol," I said smugly, before picking up the chopsticks.

Artoria seemed a bit confused at the good news, but she did seem a bit more cheerful at the news of more food.

"And the bad?" She said impassively, before stuffing another Gyoza into her mouth.

"A crazy woman by the name of Rosalind will be coming over to terrorize you, and probably embarrass me," I explained in a deadpan.

Artoria seemed a bit taken aback, while Irisviel fixed me with a surprised look. "I didn't know that your mother was here," she exclaimed.

I shot her a glance, while giving a wry grin. "Neither did I," I said tiredly.

"Your mother?" Artoria seemed surprised at the information, and I just gave a nod to confirm.

"Yes, she apparently dropped everything, and probably scrambled one of our jets to get here as fast as possible, after I informed her of you," I said dryly, before picking up a nigiri, and popping it into my mouth.

Saber looked contemplative, before a small smile graced her lips. "Hmm, perhaps this is a good thing," she mused. "Perhaps she can tell me of how Britain recovered after my fall," she said wistfully.

At her words, I raised a brow, while looking at her dubiously. "You do realize that I could do the same, and a book on our history would do just as well on the mundane side of things."

Saber merely looked at me, before stuffing another Gyoza into her mouth.

Smiling dryly at her, I waved over a waitress, and flashed her the beverage menu.

It was time to splurge a bit.

~~Fate/False Order~~

A scant ten minutes had passed, until a familiar head of long wavy blond hair popped into the restaurant, while dragging along a large suitcase.

And it only took a second for her to fix her gaze onto our table, which was stacked with three different bottles of alcohol and nine plates of food.

Artoria locked eyes with her immediately, and I was fairly sure I saw that Mother was about to give a squeal of delight, before schooling her expression.

As Mother walked up to the table, Saber stood up, and when the two were close enough, she extended a hand.

Mother clasped her hand quickly. "You are Alistair's Mother, I presume?" Artoria asserted with a raised brow while speaking English.

Smiling, Mother gave an amused snort. "Indeed, but I tend to go by Rosalind," she said with amusement, before giving her idol's hand a shake.

Artoria gave Mother an appraising look, before a small smile graced her face, as if she was pleased with what she saw.

"Well met, Rosalind, I am Artoria, a pleasure to make your acquaintance," she said graciously, before letting go of her hand.

This time, Irisviel stood up, and walked around my seat to shake hands with Mother.

Mother smoothly extended a hand to the homunculus, and shot her a smile.

"Hello there, I am Irisviel, Sabers' contractor and friend for the duration of this war," Irisviel said in a welcoming tone, causing my mothers expression to soften slightly.

Shaking her hand, Mother spoke. "A pleasure to meet you as well, Irisviel," Mother said before glancing at Artoria, and then back to the homunculus. "And I must thank you, and congratulate you for summoning Artoria while allowing us to meet her," she expressed in a thankful tone.

Smiling, Irisviel let go of Mothers hand, and shook her head. "There is no need for thanks, as I'd be a poor friend if I didn't allow Saber to meet with her family," she explained, earning a nod of appreciation from Mother.

And now that the pleasantries were finished, Mother fixed her gaze at me, before leaning down, and smothering me in a hug. "My Baby~" she cooed.

Smiling, I wrapped my arms around Mother. "My Old Hag~" I returned with equal sweetness.

I felt my mothers hug around me tighten, causing me to do the same.

Like hell I was going to have her barge in on my carefully laid plans, piss all over my dignity, and not retaliate.

Mother was the first to release the hug, before touseling my hair. "It's good to see you, Alistiar," she said in a warm tone.

I gave her a dry smile, and threaded my fingers through my hair, in an attempt at fixing my hair.

"It's good to see you too," I said in a dry tone, while giving her a cramped smile.

Mother seemed to ignore my clearly annoyed state, and went around the table, and stole the open seat next to Artoria.

The other two had retaken their seats, and Mother was studying the food on the table, specifically the ones close to me.

"Sorry for interrupting your lunch, but what were you all talking about," Mother said absentmindedly, while slowly dragging one of my untouched plates towards herself.

I graciously ignored it, and took a sip of the Chogin sake while glancing at Artoria, prompting her to pick up the conversation.

"Your son was giving a brief retelling of our family's history after Camlann, he was about to explain the method we used to 'regain' Britain," she explained calmly, before taking a sip of her Jasmin tea.

Mother's attempts at stealing my food stopped, and she visibly perked up at the topic. "Oh that's a fun bit of history," she mused, before swiftly pulling the plate in front of her.

"We all have George the third to thank for our hold on the country," she said off handedly, before grabbing a fork from the cutlery set on the end of the table.

"The man lost his mind, America and his throne, all within two years," she huffed with amusement, before picking at her stolen food with the fork.

"All it took was revealing to him our family name, showing off a bit of proof, then he became putty in our hands, and all but abdicated," Mother said with a shrug.

Artoria seemed interested in the topic, as she stopped shoving food into her mouth, and looked at Mother.

"Truly? Was it so simple?" She said with mild astonishment, earning a smile of amusement from Mother.

"It was only so simple due to the fact that George was not of sound mind, and most, if not all our kings have idolized you at some point in time. So if we combine those two factors, we have got such favorable terms," Mother explained calmly.

Its best Mother doesn't include the fact that the matriarch of the time swindled the king, by giving him 'Caliburn', as a sign that they were meant to rule on our behalf.

Smiling dryly at Mom, I shot her an amused look. "Thank you for hijacking my little history lesson, Mother," I remarked dryly.

Mother shot me an amused look. "Won't you let your mother try to give a better first impression, then the one you made," she said with a pout.

Irisviel interjected this time. "Well, your son made quite the impression when he fought Caster," she said in an impressed tone.

Mother's face seemed to cramp up at what Irisviel had said, and I shot the homunculus a dirty look.

Slowly the red eyed woman seemed to understand that I probably had left out some things while talking to my mother, given the scathing look she was giving me.

"Excuse me, but I think I just misheard something outrageous," Mother said in a dangerously neutral tone, while staring daggers at me.

Seeing the out she had given me, I gently nodded my head. "You did indeed mishear something, your hearing is not as good as it once was," I said in a sage-like tone, while nodding my head.

"But back to the former topic, yeah after Geor—" "Alistair," Mother cut me off, while giving me a dirty look.

"Caster, now," she demanded, causing me to sigh.

Quickly, I glanced at Artoria, while giving her a pitiable look, hoping to garner some sympathy.

She seemed to understand my look, which caused her to purse her lips, before giving a light cough, which caused Mom to look at her with interest at what she was about to say.

"Say what you will about your son endangering himself, but he managed to hide under Rider, Lancer and my nose, before being unveiled by an unprovoked attack from Caster," she explained, before continuing.

"He holds my thanks as well, for later dealing a crippling blow to Caster, right before she would have attempted to finish me off," at her words, Mother took in a sudden inhale of air.

Artoria glanced at me, before raising a brow. "Though I must ask, why do you use a firearm? I would have assumed someone in our family would use a proper weapon," her tone was neutral, but there was a hint of reproach, when she mentioned firearms.

I was thankful for the topic diversion, but I didn't like the attitude she showed towards firearms.

Raising a finger, I swiftly defended myself. "The firearm is the modern day bow, and for one, I do use a spear, however, I did not bring it, as I didn't wish to give off the wrong impression," I explained calmly.

Saber's brows softened, and she gave a shallow nod.

Mother however, seemed a bit more interested.

"A firearm? When did you get one, let alone one capable of harming a Servant?" Mother asked with curiosity, causing the two others to fix their gazes on me, as they had assumed my mother would have known of its existence.

Luckily I had a bullshit, but not untrue explanation for it, but Mother was being an annoyingly large thorn in my side.

Fixing my eyes on her, I gave Mom a smug look. "Who I commissioned it from is a trade secret," I said while giving Mom a mischievous wink.

"But, the crafter said that it would be able to punch a hole in a Superior Apostle, and from what I saw yesterday, it indeed lives up to the hype," I explained with a smile.

Quickly, I wrote another illusion rune into the rune cluster, before opening a few buttons on my waist coat, before pulling out my gun from my shoulder holster, and placing it on the table.

Mother raised a brow, before picking it up and studying it.

"A Colt 1911, I think?" she asked without removing her eyes from the pistol.

I gave a small nod, before deciding to add some extra information. "The Long Slide variant, but yes."

Mother gave a small hum, before smoothly pushing the Barrel Bushing aside, pulling out the Plug and Spring.

Artoria looked on with interest, as Rosalind pulled the Slide backwards, just enough to push out the Slide Stop, before smoothly pulling the Slide off the pistol.

She pulled out the Barrel and started to study it.

The interior was lined with Fae runes that were masked as normal ones, so at a glance, it only looked like a well woven array of runes that had an extreme level of synergy between each cluster when all parts were assembled together.

Mother picked out a few other parts, while giving out an impressed hum, while studying each part, before seamlessly assembling it.

"This is a piece of art," Mother praised it easily, before placing it back on the table.

Irisviel glanced at me, and pointed at the gun. "Could I have a look? I don't often get to see firearm Mystic Codes, and I find them quite cool," she said with unmasked interest.

Her statement was pure bullshit, an outrageous amount of bullshit, as she could see a gun Mystic Code whenever she wanted to, as long as she asked her husband.

But naturally, I gave her a smile and gestured for her to pick it up.

"Go ahead, it's the least I can do," I said humbly, before glancing at Artoria, who had returned to stuffing her face with food, with a smile.

Irisviel gingerly picked up the gun, and clumsily fiddled with it, even looking straight down the barrel, like an idiot…

Ignoring the suicidal homunculus, I chose to kickstart a new conversation.

"Should we get back to our impromptu history lesson, or do you have any questions?" I probed, earning a small smile from Artoria, who brought up a napkin and cleaned her mouth.

"You have already told me a lot about our family history, but could you tell me a bit more about yourselves?" She asked softly.

At her question, Mother seemed to perk up, and gained a mischievous smile. "Oh," Mother clapped her hands, with a smug look on her face, "I happen to have Alistair's baby photos in my luggage," she said sweetly.

I felt the blood in my body go cold. Slowly, I turned my head to look at Mom, who kept that infuriating smile on her face.

Why the hell did she bring my baby photos with her to Japan…

"You do not want to go there," I said with mild irritation, while Irisviel suddenly seemed far more interested in the conversation, and placed my gun on the table.

"Baby photos?" She asked with interest.

Artoria's interested look certainly didn't help my case, nor bode well for my dignity.

I knew that I needed to derail the conversation as quickly as humanly possible.

"Mom burned down a third of the department of Spiritual Evocation, on her first visit to the Clock Tower," I exclaimed while pointing at Mother.

Artoria seemed confused at my statement, while Irisviel looked outright shocked at my statement.

Mother, on the other hand, became extremely defensive.

"I found three Dead Apostles, and eight magi that were experimenting on them," she said defensively.

Hearing her argument, I could only scoff.

"Amelia told me all about it, that was a lucky coincidence, and it saved you from any proper repercussions, from your impulsive bout of arson," I rebuked, causing Mom to squint her eyes with annoyance.

"I had probable cause," she argued.

"Being a necromancer, or dealing with spiritual evocation, doesn't equate to you having probable cause, for them doing Apostle research," I remarked dryly.

Mother only gave a huff. "If it quacks like a duck, looks like a duck, and walks like a duck, then it tends to be a duck," she said dismissively.

"Um?" Irisviel interjected into our argument, before glancing between the two of us. "I feel like I am missing some context," she said nervously.

Artoria nodded at her friend's words. "As do I," she said with interest.

Looking at the two, I gave them a wry smile. "My mother just happens to have a level of prejudice to said branch of Magecraft, akin to that of an American police officer in the early 60's meeting a wealthy looking black man," I explained, earning blank looks from the two.

Right… one is a sheltered homunculus, and the other probably doesn't know a thing about the civil rights movement.

Quickly I waved my hand, as if dismissing what I had just said. "Never mind, ignore what I just said."

"Point is, Mother prefers that things that are dead, stay dead, and doesn't like any magecraft that dabbles in that field," I explained, drawing nods from the two

"A respectable opinion, the dead should be respected," Artoria commented in an agreeable tone.

Mother seemed to preen under her ancestors' praise, while shooting me a smug look.

Irisviel clapped her hands together, and shot us a smile. "Good, now that that is done, how about those baby photos?"

I felt my heart sink at those words, but Irisviel didn't seem to care.

"From one mother to another, I'd love to see Alistair's baby photos," she said pleasantly, causing Mom to smile back at Irisviel.

Quickly, I glanced at Artoria with a pleading look, to which she only shook her head. "I see no issue with this, and it would seem that this is common among families nowadays, so I wish to experience it as well," she said unsympathetically, causing me to shoot her an annoyed look.

"I will have my revenge," I said ominously, while looking at her, causing the King of Knights to raise an eyebrow in challenge.

"Oh? Do try, Alistair," she said before inclining her chin, gaining a haughty look. "But know that with Excalibur in my hands, that I have never tasted defeat."

 I'm just going to ignore that she was losing against both Lancer and Berserker for a while, and let her live in blissful ignorance.

"I'll take those odds."

~~Fate/False Order~~

As the waitress propped the check, I slid it over to Mother, who rolled her eyes, and placed her card in the receipt folder thingi.

As the waitress brought over a card scanner, she asked if she wanted to pay in yen or dollars in Japanese, which caused Mother to look a bit confused, before halfheartedly saying dollars, guessing what she asked.

As the waitress walked away, I disassembled the runic matrix, before standing up. "Do you have something on your agenda for the rest of the day?" I probed, earning a raise of the brow from Artoria, and a tit of her head from Irisviel.

"Um, no?" She said uncertainty.

Smiling, I gestured towards my mother, while giving a resigned face.

"You see, I have some calls to take, as well as a few small things for the church, and ideally I'd prefer it if my Mother wasn't hovering over me, so I was hoping that you guys could babysit her," I explained, causing Mom to look a bit interested, despite me saying that taking care of her was equivalent to babysitting.

"But I wouldn't know what to do," Irisviel said, causing me to flash a devious smile to Artoria, before looking back at Irisviel.

"I think Artoria should get to experience the joys of window shopping, as I think she deserves to do something girly for once in her life," I said with conviction, causing the two girls to perk up, while Artoria seemed to look a mix of confusion and alertness at my statement.

Something is telling me that her 'A' ranked Instinct skill is coming in clutch, and inadvertently telling her the horrors of window shopping with women.

Irisviel's gaze met my Mother's in an instant, and the two turned their heads in sync to look at Artoria, before looking at one another again.

A brief nod was shared, and I could see Artoria's unease double.

"That is a splendid idea, Alistair!" Mother exclaimed, with an eager glint in her eye.

Irisviel nodded vehemently, while glancing at Artoria. "I agree, and I've wanted to see you in a proper dress for a while."

Artoria looked in between the two eager women, and her stoic face turned a bit panicked, as she seemed to understand what had just happened.

Swiftly, her head snapped in my direction, and I gave her a smug smile. "How does defeat taste?" I mused.

She didn't deign my question with an answer, as the three other woman quickly stood up.

Mother grabbed her suitcase, and then the three women started moving towards the exit.

Irisviel stopped, and glanced behind her at me.

"Aren't you coming, or at least leaving?" She questioned, causing me to shrug, and point at the bathroom sign. "I'll stay for a bit longer, do enjoy yourself, and make sure to have my mother flip the bill for whatever you end up buying," I explained, while flashing an amused smile.

Irisviel smiled, and turned around, only to be met by the same waitress as earlier, but this time holding a brochure for her to grab.

Smiling, Irisviel roughly grabbed it, causing her to cut herself on the thin paper.

I watched on as the waitress apologized profusely, before grabbing a napkin, and cleaning her wound, before pulling out a small band-aid.

Irisviel took it all in stride, and didn't blame her at all, and smiled through the whole ordeal.

The three women gave me a small wave, which I respirated, before they left the restaurant.

I watched them walk down the shopping district with a smile on my face, before glancing at the waitress. "Did you get enough blood, Morgan?"

And like that, all the 'customers' froze up, and the waitresses shimmered with a green light, revealing Morgan holding the bloodied cloth.

She seemed to apprise it, before humming contentedly, and throwing it into her shadow.

"It should suffice, though I'll need to study it further to see if it will work as intended," she explained offhandedly, before clapping her hands, causing the homunculus customers to sink into their own shadow, and disappear.

Glancing around, I couldn't help but give a whistle of appreciation.

"I find the fact that you were able to do all this under Saber's nose impressive, as I was sure that she'd notice the mild computation to choose the restaurant or to pick up the takeaway menu, and let's not mention the illusion that was in her face," I said in an impressed tone.

Morgan merely huffed, and slid into the seat where Artoria had been earlier, and filled a glass with the remaining Sake bottle.

"My little sister was never too good at discerning my little tricks, after all, that's what she had the incubus for," she replied smoothly, before taking a sip.

Following her lead, I reseated myself in the spot Mother had sat, and took a swig from my own glass.

"Any sign of Assassin or Zouken's familiars?" I probed, earning a nod from the Witch of Avalon.

"Yes, though Assassin has moved to follow Saber's entourage, and I have disposed of the worms," she explained offhandedly.

Smiling to myself, I gave a small nod.

"Good, then we have some time to relax, before you stir things up for the church. Anything you want to do?" I said while glancing at her, to which she glanced back at me.

"I recall hearing something about baby photos."

—

133 Hours, 32 Minutes And 23 Seconds Until Zero 

—

-----

A/N

Welcome back, my reader Overlords, please add this to your library and give me some comments, stones and Reviews, as it would be much appreciated.

Yes I am late... I know... My excuse is that I fucked up my calculus, so I needed to fix five pages worth of calculations, before finding out that they were beyond recovery, and restarting them... so Sorry for it being a day late...

But please, tell me what you think of the chapter? Was the whole lunch ploy a nice touch, and did you expect it was all a rouse for Irisviel's blood? Please, tell me!

Any other thoughts, ideas or requests that you find plausible for the upcoming chapters? Please chime in! I'd love to hear from you all!

Btw, I have made a Discord server for the fic, come on and chat with me!

https://discord.gg/Z2meVadH

Now I'm tired, so have a nice day, and send me some stones or some shit, I need motivation, or some shit like that.