Family Ties: The 35th Games

[suicide mention TW]

I have no idea how to process any of what Georgie has told me. It feels like an information overload, and I just blink back at her, mouth agape. 

But she doesn't stop there.

"Think about it," she insists, eyes leaving mine and scanning the training facility before landing on Dane and Vella, who had stopped heckling me, and were now heckling poor Addalie. "The Capitol sets up these games. Sets up the districts so that the Careers have cushy lives, and all the preparation they need. So they're all set up to give them the bloody, gory show they so dearly want, all for the ratings. They set up the Reapings, so the poorest and most vulnerable in every other district are forced to sentence their children to death at the hands of those Careers. They watch and plan, creating storylines for the Capitol to lose their minds over."

She pauses. "And then imagine you come waltzing in and take it all."

"You.... want me to win?" It's all I can say, really. I'm in shock.

"Yes," she answers me simply. "Well, really, if any underdog wins, I'm happy. Anyone who's victory spits in the face of everything going on here. But you're the best pick for that."

She sighs, getting up and brushing her leggings off, turning to offer her hand to me again. I take it, shakily getting to my feet. "I'll join your alliance, okay? Any of you winning is fine with me. But just know, Zania-- you're who I'm rooting for."

And with that, we got back to practicing. I eventually introduce her to Addalie, and Georgie spends the rest of the day teaching me the basics about a ton of different weapons. She helps Addalie too, but her focus is mainly on me, and it makes me squirm. I'm grateful for her help, and she does seem genuine, but everything she's confided in me just bounces around in my brain. I've always hated the Games. I've always thought the Reapings were unfair, and that the Careers getting a head start was even moreso. I'd always thought the Capitol was out of touch, and that had only amplified since coming her. But I'd never put it all together before, not in the way Georgie had. And I thought she was right, but it was so much altogether, that her being right just made me feel tired. And confused. But mostly, sad-- I still couldn't get over her sincere confession that she wanted to lose.

By the end of the day, I was in a better place than when I'd started. Sure, I couldn't use any of the weapons well, but at least I knew that whatever I grabbed out of the Cornucopia, I wouldn't be starting from scratch. And, my conflicting feelings aside, I was happy to have another ally with me. Georgie was easy to be around, and I felt safe with her. Almost as safe as I felt with my brother.

I don't wait for Nathan when the training day is over and it's time to leave. Addalie and I ride the elevator with Georgie, Addalie filling the girl from Six in on all of the information Breah had given us at lunch on the way. When the elevator stops at the Sixth floor, Georgie gives me a quick hug before she goes, muttering a quick "See you both tomorrow" before she leaves us.

I'm next. I bid Addalie goodnight, and get off on my floor, feeling the exhaustion in my limbs start to grow. I know I'll be sore tomorrow. If this is how I'm going to feel after all the training days, I was worried about how sore I'd be when the Games started.

Olivia and Palana are waiting for me in the main sitting area. Olivia opens her mouth, probably to ask me how my first day was, but Palana interrupts her. "Where's Nathan?" she demands, looking around, as though there's a chance he'd be hiding behind me or something. Her tone rubs me the wrong way, her invested interest in him bringing up more questions than answers.

I answer with a shrug. "Coming, probably. He was working in a different area. Where's Sean?" My question is directed to Olivia.

"Sleeping," she replies. "He had a long night. How was your first day of training?"

I recount the day, telling her about the stations I did first, and how I felt I did at each one, trying to give her information to work with when it came to strategizing. I told her about Breah and the information she provided about all the other tributes. And I tell her about Georgie, though not everything. I leave the specifics of the conversation to myself, and just talk about her helping me with the weapons, and deciding to join us.

I don't know why. Maybe it's because our discussion feels private to me. Like it's something special, just between us. Or maybe it's Palana, sitting there, hanging onto every word while she waits for Nathan to come in. I don't trust our escort, and I have a feeling that a lot of the sentiments and ideologies Georgie shared with me wouldn't go over well with her in the room. 

"It sounds like you had a big day," Olivia answers me when I'm done, giving me a proud smile. "I'll fill Sean in when he wakes up."

"Yes, yes, why don't you go clean up for dinner," Palana adds, eager to shoo me away. "It'll be ready at any moment-- I'm sure you'll be more comfortable out of those dirty clothes."

I sigh, bristling slightly at Palana's attitude towards me (and how much it differed to her treatment of Nathan), but complied, if only to get away from her, heading to the bathroom attached to Nathan and I's room. I scrubbed every trace of Kera's handiwork off of my face before stepping into the shower, taking down my hair and letting the hot water reset everything done to it to. My skin is pink and raw when I'm done from all the extra scrubbing, but I feel like me again, and really that's all that counts. I put on some fresh pajamas, and try to braid my hair back (it's hard-- Louisia used to do it for me, because I have a hard time reaching the back of my head), and eventually give up, letting it hang loose and damp around my shoulders. 

When I'm done, I head for the dining room, sure that dinner was probably either ready, or about to be. And though nothing has been served yet when I arrive, Everyone is seated around the table, ready for it. I slide into my chair, beside my brother, who ruffles my hair affectionately once I'm settled.

"I saw you with Georgie all afternoon-- I take it you made good progress there?" he asks me with a smile.

I nod, though it's Sean that replies, "From what Olivia's told me, you made good progress on a few fronts. Good job; got a lot done today," he commends me.

I feel like I'm floating. I had been expecting to be dead weight-- it felt good to know I was contributing. "What about you?" I ask, turning back to Nathan. "Mark said something about you guys trying to talk to Georgie's district-mate. Did you make any progress there?"

Nathan scoffs. "No, Breah was right. He's useless. He told us we're all stupid, and that we'd all kill each other the first day. Said he wasn't going to turn his back and be a free kill for us. It's fine, though-- we're probably better off without him."

"You've found other allies; stronger ones," Sean agrees with a nod. "Don't take everything he said and throw it out, though. Just remember; once you're in that arena, those loyalties are going to be tested. Watch the people you bring with you carefully. They can turn on you at any moment, and even if they don't, there's only one winner. Some hard decisions are going to have to be made towards the end. Make sure you're ready for them."

"I'll be vigilant," Nathan promises with a solemn nod. It feels like he's saying that to me, though, not Sean. And after my conversation with Georgie, it makes my stomach sink. She's so ready to die-- is Nathan too?

It's Palana that speaks next. "Mm, that's something important to think about too, don't you think," she hums, eyeing Nathan. "Only one of you can come home-- what will the two of you do if you're the final two?"

My ears are ringing, but I still hear Olivia groan, and Sean start cursing at her before that ringing takes over completely. It's a good question. It's not like it's something I haven't thought of before, though I've been trying to avoid that thought. But being asked it point blank, with the tone one might use to discuss the weather? It makes me panic. My face turns hot as tears build up, hands shaking as my breathing becomes more erratic and staggered. Without excusing myself, I stand up, running to the bedroom, managing just to close the door before I collapse in a ball on the floor.

I don't want to die. 

I know my chances are slim. I know I am a liability and an easy target. But I desperately don't want to die.

Nathan dying though? It's not an option. He's been my best friend since I've been old enough to remember him, and probably long before that too. Any life without him in it wouldn't be right. 

Georgie's words echo in my head-- 'Victors live cursed, half-lives'. And though I hadn't processed it in the moment, now I was pretty sure I knew what she meant. Winning, living without Nathan there too... It wouldn't be living. It would be devastating.

But there's no other option, and I know it. There is no happy ending. One of us, if not both, are going to die. And for the first time since the Reaping, I sob. I sob uncontrollably, curled inwards on myself in the fetal position, tears soaking the carpeted floor beneath me. I let myself go, letting it all out, letting all the pain and hurt and fear bleed out of me. And even when I can't feel anything but dull despair, unconnected to anything else, I still sob more.

I don't know how long I lie there, but eventually, the door opens and Nathan comes in, gingerly picking me up off the floor, and gently putting me down on the bed. He retreats momentarily to the bathroom, probably changing into his own pajamas, but he's quick about it, and in moments he's back, sitting on his side of the bed beside me. 

"Palana said she's sorry," he grumbles to me finally. I get the impression it wasn't an apology he thought very highly of. As much as Palana seemed to love him, the feeling clearly wasn't mutual. 

"She's right," I hiccup, fresh tears rolling down my face. "What if that does happen, Nathan? What if we are the final two?"

His expression is stony, and when he replies, there's no hesitation. "You're going home, Zania. It's not a question," he tells me firmly. "I will personally hack down every single tribute in that arena to keep you safe. And when it comes down to the two of us, I will take myself out. I'll kill myself so you can go home."

I let out a strangled sob, "Nathan, you can't do that!"

"I wouldn't make you watch," he assures me, trying to put a comforting hand on my shoulder. "I'd send you off somewhere. Or wander off myself..."

I let out a humorless laugh. "That's not it, Nathan! That's not why I'm upset! You're my brother-- you can't die!"

I can almost hear his eyes rolling in his voice. "Be real, Nia. It's the Hunger Games," he insists, and I can tell nothing I say will change his mind. "There is nothing we can do. You need to come to terms with the fact that one of us is dying, and there is no fucking way it will be you." My brother doesn't swear much-- the word feels foreign in his voice. And it chills me to my core to hear how sure he is about this. 

I was right to be worried when I listened to Georgie. I was right to assume Nathan would feel similarly. And it was devastating. I start to cry all over again, and Nathan pulls me against his chest, both of us falling to the mattress as I curl up against him and weep. 

"I'm scared, Nathan. This isn't right."

"I know, I know," he soothes, rubbing my back, and adjusting the bedcovers around us. "I'll protect you, though. I promise. Nothing can happen to you with me around. It will all be okay."

And it's easy to believe him. I feel secure in my brother's arms. I feel like nothing, or no one, can hurt me. But I know I won't feel this way for long, and feeling this way just makes me feel guilty, because I know in order for me to feel that safety, I almost have to surrender the person I love most to a death sentence. 

I have two people ready to go into that arena, hellbent on nothing else but getting me out alive. It should make me feel safe, but it doesn't. I just feel more vulnerable than ever.