Even a Scoundrel Gets Tired

47 – Self-Loathing

“J–Jennison, are you alright?!”

“She’s awake?!”

Lianna and Albert, only now hearing news of my awakening,

thundered down the corridor, their voices echoing.

It was clearly the time for the mid-term evaluations, and yet,

I handed them each a glass of water as we talked, sweat beading on their brows from the run.

From the commonplace inquiries about my health,

to the scolding about recklessly fighting alone,

And even what transpired within that black sphere.

“My body seems fine, so worry not.”

“Re-really? That’s a relief~”

“Good to hear.”

“How did the midterms go?”

“Ah… well…”

The children are telling me that thanks to the Chairman’s reverse engineering of the magic, they were able to find you collapsed inside and Leon… headless.

Unlike those guys, who are overjoyed that it’s such a relief, my heart isn’t exactly singing.

The very fact that the Chairman managed to reverse engineer demonic magic is astounding in itself.

Human and demon magic have entirely different systems and structures, and it is known that no human even understands demonic magical formulas.

But the important thing is that the midterm assessment was halted midway.

It’s a well-known fact that mages don’t retract words once spoken.

And the Chairman is one of the mages at the very pinnacle.

So, if I don’t get an excellent score now that the midterm evaluation has been cut short, the artifact and everything else goes up in smoke.

Let me reiterate, acquiring artifacts is incredibly difficult.

Conquering the gates is already not easy, but for an artifact with the power you want to appear from one is even harder.

Moreover, the power of the artifact I want is a fairly high-level one, so naturally the difficulty of conquering the gate only increases.

So, I had intended to receive the artifact I needed most in exchange for saving a cripple who could be killed off at any time.

I ran my hands through my hair over and over, frustrated by this situation that had gone so terribly wrong.

I can get it if I put the Chairman in my debt, but that will mess up another plan of mine.

“Albert, so what about the grades—”

“Ah, you wouldn’t have heard.”

I trailed off mid-sentence, but Albert understood, and answered my question.

“To put it simply, the midterm rankings will be calculated based on the point the evaluation was interrupted.”

“…Shit.”

“Why so sudden, Jenison? Weren’t you the one who didn’t care about grades?”

“…It’s nothing.”

The moment I thought I should meet with the Chairman, the window next to me opened, and a gentle breeze quietly blew in.

Soon, a swaying green leaf fluttered in, and before I knew it, the leaf had transformed into the Chairman’s figure.

“Greetings, students.”

“Ch-Chairwoman?!”

“…”

The Chairwoman, observing our discomposure, slicked back a strand of hair from her forehead before explaining her reason for being here.

“I have a matter regarding your grades that requires verification from the students.”

As she spoke, with a subtle flick of her wrist, documents and a quill pen materialized in her hand. She then sent them fluttering towards us.

On them were our evaluation scores and our respective names. She met our gazes in turn before continuing.

“I sincerely apologize for the unfortunate incident that occurred during this academy evaluation, which has resulted in a significant loss for all of you students.”

“””….!!”””

Seeing the Chairwoman bow deeply at a ninety-degree angle to offer her apology, we were all taken aback. She, however, raised her head as if nothing unusual had occurred, and began to detail the compensation that would be provided to us.

“First and foremost, all students who survived the Mana Outburst during the evaluation will receive substantial compensation. Furthermore, Mana-blocking barriers will be installed to prevent any further such incidents from occurring. It has also been agreed that the grades of those who survived will be given preferential consideration.”

With that, she retrieved something from a subspace.

A dazzling blue light, as if self-illuminating, coalesced into a single point.

We were all but entranced by the living blue light.

It then divided into three streams, each flowing into our hands.

When the blue light finally dissipated, what remained in our sight was a luxuriously decorated glass vial filled with a blue liquid.

“Wh-What is this, Chairwoman?”

“This is an elixir that enhances Mana reserves. It will be of great benefit to all of you.”

“Eh… Really?!”

“Ah, of course, this is only a portion of the compensation for the damages suffered. Compensation based on your grades will also be provided.”

Mana is an indispensable element for all magic.

This means that the greater one’s Mana reserves, the more overwhelmingly advantageous one is in combat.

However, Mana reserves are generally fixed at birth.

Increasing them requires either exceptional methods or rare elixirs, the prices of which are astronomical.

In that context, this was an extraordinary item, enough to make jaws drop.

However, I immediately placed the vial on the floor and turned to face her again.

“Chairwoman… what about my grades?”

She wore an expression of incomprehension before reverting to her characteristic blankness. She then reached out and stroked my head.

I instinctively recoiled from the sudden touch, but she seemed unperturbed, maintaining her expressionless demeanor as she replied.

“Your grades are excellent. Therefore, you have nothing to worry about.”

“…Me, you say?”

“Is there a problem?”

“It’s, well, difficult for me to say, but I didn’t exactly receive many merit points…”

“If a student who single-handedly subjugated a mid-grade monster isn’t considered outstanding, then who is?”

The chairman’s words were firm, and those around him added their agreement as if on cue.

They praised me, saying I was amazing, that I was impressive.

Some even betrayed a glimpse of their honest feeling – that my transformed self felt just a bit unfamiliar.

To those words, I could offer no reply.

Because nothing had changed within me.

I wasn’t someone whose behavior had suddenly shifted, like some kind of possession from a novel.

What you all saw was Jennison, is Jennison, and will be Jennison.

It was me, is me, and will be me.

What tales will circulate the moment I step outside that door?

Will those who witnessed my strength rush towards me, their faces plastered with sycophantic smiles?

Or will I still see the faces of those who refuse to believe the rumors?

I haven’t changed, yet people tell me I have.

The chairman, who until recently had paid me no attention, just called me outstanding.

A kid I used to bully is showering me with praise, telling me I’m incredible.

A friend who keeps approaching me, even when I try to distance myself, has finally won me over.

What has changed in me, and why am I receiving this newfound goodwill?

I’m still not a clean person, even now.

I killed a man.

I tortured his mind and tore his body to pieces.

Excuses like, it was the only way I knew how to survive, won’t hold water.

Regardless, I am a murderer.

I inflicted a deep wound on someone.

I gave someone else a reason to thirst for revenge.

And I granted yet another the blood-soaked power they craved.

Knowing that I’m the one who’s losing out in all of this,

paranoid delusions still run rampant through my mind.

As those negative thoughts steadily gained control of my mind,

a shimmering window materialized before me.

≪User experiencing issues with serotonin and dopamine secretion, commencing substitute hormone distribution≫

≪Distributing…≫

Slightly startled by the sudden appearance of the status window,

a wave of lassitude abruptly washed over my body.

The negative thoughts from before vanished, replaced by a surge of happiness.

Happiness and excitement surged, instantly lifting my mood.

‘…Are they trying to manipulate my emotions? What is this… ‘

“…Cadet Jenison?”

The message on the status screen must have etched a grimace onto my face, because before I knew it, the Chairman was looming over me, peering down. Rianna and Albert, flanking me, were no different, their gazes fixed, making the situation all the more stifling.

I tried to brush it off, to slip away from this moment with a mumbled nothing, but Albert wouldn’t have it.

“Speak, Jenison. One look at your face is enough to tell that something’s amiss.”

“…It’s nothing to concern yourself with.”

The sharp edge in my voice surfaced without my consent, yet Albert remained unmoved, his eyes unwavering.

“Huh…? Jenison, is something the matter?”

“…?”

Rianna and even the Chairman joined the scrutiny, and overwhelmed by the attention, I blurted out anything to divert their focus.

“It’s nothing much, I just need to pay the Order a visit.”

“What?”

Startled by their unexpectedly vehement reaction, I lifted my head. The two beside me stared, eyes wide with concern.

“The… Order…?”

“Is there really a need for you to go there?”

“Unless it’s for treatment, I can’t excuse you from classes.”

Each demanded an explanation, but I knew little myself. I suspected it had to do with this mark, but I couldn’t pinpoint its exact significance. My attempts to gloss over the matter proved futile, until I vaguely mentioned needing to continue my treatments, which seemed to ease the tension.

With that precarious dodge behind me, the Princess, Isabella, Caelyn, and others flocked to greet me, their worry demanding answers, leaving no room for rest.

And before long, fully recovered, I found myself on the doorstep of the Order.

*

≪Significant stress levels detected in User.≫

≪Assessing optimal stress relief method considering User’s disposition…≫

≪User personality identified: Self-loathing detected≫

≪Recommending “Self-Harm” to User.≫

“…?”