Euphemistically Yours

The rooms at the back had beds for rent, but only a few were private rooms like mine. In the others, you’d pay by the bed and share the room with whoever else did the same. Even so, the room had no door, just a hanging curtain to block out the babble from the main hall.

Despite all that, the room was a tight fit with both of us. There were two narrow mats on the floor with just enough space to stand between them. A chamberpot stood against the wall next to the curtain at the doorway and that was it. The only lighting came from a tiny window slit open to the outside air.

My hauberk came off as quick as I could shrug it over my head. My baggage went under the window, on the floor furthest from the hall. If someone tried to rob us, they’d have to come all the way in. That served as my only real insurance for the night. After that, I sat down onto the thin mat and heaved out a sigh.

Sleeping on the roadside meant constant worry. You never knew what might happen out there, so you had to stay alert. Although there might be rabid dogs or wild animals, the biggest fear was other men. Someone could always be trailing you. It’s even worse when you’re escorting someone small and defenseless.

“Deft?” Eu hadn’t settled down yet. She was still standing in the middle of the room.

“What? Sleep now.” I pointed to her bed.

“Deft. Grass? Water?” She pointed back out the doorway and wiggled back and forth. She was trying to tell me something, but she didn’t have the words.

I watched her for a while when I suddenly realized the motions she was making. I’d cared for my own children and I knew the various poses they would make when they needed to use the chamberpot.

“Ahh… gotcha.” I stood up to leave, but she grabbed my arm.

“Grass? Water?”

I pointed at the chamberpot and understanding dawned on her face, followed by rejection. “No!”

“Not again. You’ve never used a pot before?”

“No! No! No!” She shook her head back and forth, tears in her eyes.

I shrugged. There was no getting around this one. We were in a town. There was no grass or leaves for needs like this. If I asked around, I could probably find an outhouse, but odds were she’d refuse that too.

She held onto my arm pleading, but I pointed at the pot again and pushed her off. “You need to go? I can’t help you. You’ll need to figure it out yourself. I’ll stand guard outside.”

Once the curtain was closed, I could hear some whimpering and fumbling inside. I didn’t think that using a chamberpot was too complicated, but I couldn’t even remember when I’d learned the best methods. I guess someone had been there to teach me? Furthermore, it must be different for women than men? Mystery...

I could clearly hear the clinking of the lid when she was finished, but I allowed her extra time to clean herself off. Just when I thought she’d had more than enough, my expectations were shattered by the abrupt arrival of blazing light and the sound of rushing wind.

“Wh-wh-what are you doing?” I pulled back the curtain to see her standing in the center between the two beds. The brilliant glow of her shining eggshell stretched from wall to wall. In fact, in the dark room, it seemed to be even larger and brighter than before.

Apparently, she couldn’t hear me over the wind it made, so the scene went on and on without interruption. Men from the neighboring rooms started crowding around behind me to catch a glimpse of the maelstrom inside. Thinking quickly, I pulled the curtain closed again, swiveled around, and tried my best to give a smile.

“What was that?” The first man asked.

“What IS that?” Another amended since the sound and light was still leaking out behind me.

“The princess is a mage?” That was the innkeep. He’d lost his common sense, shouting out my fabrication for anyone to hear.

“PRINCESS?” The room exploded in a shout of excitement. Even more men pushed into the hallway, completely blocking the exit.

Personally, I thought the revelation that Eu was a mage should be the larger shock. Our kingdom had more princesses than capable magicians. But, I suppose the thought that a princess would be staying in an inn like this had already exceeded plausibility.

Then, just to add to the chaos, the light behind me winked out and I heard the curtain slide open. “Fwoof done. Sleep now.”

“PRINCESS!” the crowd roared.

“But, why’s she wearing pants?” asked one insightful soul.

There was a long pause as the group in front of me considered the question.

“It’s a disguise!” I belted out to preserve my honor.

With that, the mob pressed forward, but I put my hand on the pommel of my sword and took a fighting stance. “Back off! Give some room!”

That stopped the rush, but even more people were gathering in the room beyond those here in the hallway.

“Deft sword now?” Eu asked.

I didn’t want to kill anyone. That much should be obvious. But, I was here in service to the Duke. Failure was not an option. On the other hand, if the local earl caught wind of this, there would be all sorts of delays. He’d want the mage for his own retinue. He might even stage a kidnapping.

I could try to argue my way out, but I knew that wouldn’t work. With the excitement and spectacle, the scene was approaching the state of a riot. Nobody would pause long enough to listen. The men in front were pushing back to get out of the reach of my weapon, but those behind them were pushing forward to get a better look. There was only one way I could see out of this…

“Eu! Fwoof! Now!”

“Fwoof?” she echoed with a note of surprise.

“Fwoof?” said the crowd.

“FWOOF!” I repeated.

Suddenly, that familiar light sprang again into place behind me. I couldn’t take time to look at it, but the mob blocking the hallway gasped in terror and scrambled away.

This was my chance to get out of here. However, I had three things I needed to pick up. The first was my sack of gear at the far wall behind me. The second was my hauberk lying on the floor. The third was Eu. The question was whether she could continue “fwoofing” while I carried her.

Worse, in order to do any of that, I’d be forced to go straight through Eu’s fwoof shell. I’d experienced it once before and hadn’t felt any lasting effect. Likewise, Diligence hadn’t seemed concerned at all when Eu did the same to her. In other words, it was safe, right?

Steeling myself, I charged back into the room. The wind inside the light was stronger than I remembered, but I could still see well enough to grab my bag and hauberk. The first had a strap that went over my shoulder. The second was more difficult. I didn’t have time to pull it over my head, so I draped it around my left arm, clenching onto it with that hand.

When I grabbed Eu and picked her up, I was moving full speed. With just the one arm, I swept her up at the knees. The other arm, full with the mail hauberk, steadied her falling body so that her head flopped over onto my bicep.

Her eyes flickered open and the winds fell away. “Deft? What?”

At least for the moment, we had a clear shot to the main hall, so I didn’t even spare her a glance. Instead, I bounded forward, headed straight, pressing for the exit. The few men that were in my path leapt sideways to avoid a collision. Without any other obstacles, we barreled through the front door and spilled out into the street.

A crowd had already gathered out here as well. However, I’d already bypassed those who had personally seen the incident inside, but there was no end. Instead, these people were milling about and peering into the doorway. One helpful fellow reached out to steady my balance. “Is there a fire?”

“No. Nothing like that. Just a little trouble with one of the guests.” I spoke truthfully, referring to the girl in my arms without looking at her.

Unfortunately, I only had a few moments before the guests behind me would come boiling out as well. As much as I wanted to set her down and pull on my mail, if I didn’t move quickly, I’d never get out of this mess. With that conclusion, I headed straight for the stables.

“I want my horse. I’ll be leaving immediately.” I passed two brass suns to the ostler. The first was the standard payment to cover the costs and his work as a stable hand. The second was “hurry up” money.

Even for an experienced ostler, readying a warhorse isn’t a quick business. The saddle is heavier and more complicated, plus there are extra straps to hold it all in place. Given the time to wait, I set Eu down and donned my mail shirt by pulling it back on over my head.

The ostler and another stable hand arrived shortly thereafter into the yard with Honey. But, at the same time, Eu was repeatedly pulling at my sleeve to get my attention. Following her worried gaze, I saw the same group of gamblers from earlier following my path into the stables. Their position put their group between me and my horse.

“You cheated! She used magic to flip the dice.” The older man accused me.

“I was trying to LOSE! I didn’t even want to play!”

“Likely story! But, let’s just call that water under the bridge, shall we?”

“What do you want?” I put my hand onto the grip of my sword and stepped free of Eu to give myself room to maneuver. There were four of them. I didn’t see any weapons, but I had no doubts that they had knives underneath their pilgrim robes.

The eldest held out his empty hands while the other three backed away. “There’s no need for conflict. Our goals are the same. We can help each other.”

“Really?” My hand tightened on the sword.

“It’s obvious that girl isn’t your daughter, but she’s caused you a bit of trouble, now, hasn’t she?”

I couldn’t exactly deny that, and he grinned when he saw the flicker of resignation on my face.

“We’d be glad to take her off your hands! In fact, if you give us a while to gather our backers, we could offer you a sizable reward.”

“Backers?”

“You don’t need to know. In fact, it’s better that you don’t.”

“You mean the Earl. His name is Triumph and I’ve met him before.”

“All right, so you know… but it’s still a good deal, right?”

“Not really. I serve the Duke. He’ll want the girl for his own retinue.”

As we spoke, I saw Honey pull free from the ostler and make her own path toward the open door. Even so, my focus was on the wheedling man in front of me. He was still trying to negotiate. “The Duke doesn’t need to know what happened here does he?”

“There’s no way he won’t find out.”

“All you need to do is move your lodgings for the night from the inn to the Earl’s castle. The incident just a while ago gives you plenty of reason. Clearly, you can’t go back to the inn.”

I could see that he was right. Once the Earl had the girl, he could delay giving her up and make complaints to the king. After all, if you squinted at the map, she’d been found in the Earl's territory, not the Duke’s. However, Honey had her own thoughts on the matter.

“Ahh, that sounds nice, but …” I paused in my rebuttal, watching as Honey approached the man from behind.

“You still have objections? Maybe I can sweeten the...”

“Uhh. No, it’s fine, but…” I held up a hand to warn him. Honey was looming up behind him.

“Why do you keep interrupting? I’d expect you to be more polite!”

“No really! Uhh…” I gazed in horror as Honey opened her mouth. Beside me, Eu shivered in anticipation.

“I’m sure we can work out a … Wh-wh-wha … Aaaoowww!”

Eu jumped straight up into the air, arms swinging upward. “Honey MOUTH!”

Usually, when Honey takes a bite out of someone, she gives a simple nip to express herself. This time, she grabbed him up by the shoulder and didn’t let go. She didn’t have any reason to chomp down, but the man was completely at her mercy.

His three friends moved to assist, but she drove them back with a few showy kicks. None of them connected, but the flash of her hooves was enough to discourage approach.

“Honey FOOT! Honey BOOT!” Eu’s praise was followed by another dance of joy.

The whole scene was an embarrassment. But, seeing my chance to escape, I grabbed up Eu and sprinted across the short distance.

While Honey pirouetted around to bring her front hooves to bear, we swung up into the saddle. I set Eu in front of me and she grabbed onto the reins for balance.

The poor man hanging from Honey’s mouth was still wailing pitifully. At this point, he was lucky that she hadn’t stomped on him. His three friends had abandoned him, cowering against the walls.

“Honey. Be nice. Let him go.”

“No! Honey MOUTH!” Eu shouted out her disagreement.

Given conflicting orders from her two riders, Honey paused a moment to consider before obeying mine. The old scoundrel fell to the floor and crawled away while moaning. I could see Eu’s countenance fall in disappointment, but Honey was MY horse, not hers. Honey knew which of us paid for her treats.

Unfortunately, the crowd outside the inn was drifting in our direction, hoping for the opportunity to see even more havoc in one night. If I waited, they’d block the yard, so it was time to go.

I had all my gear and Honey was ready for anything. However, I’d already had too much humiliation for one day. On the spur of the moment, I reached out to grab my helmet from the saddle horn and plopped it onto my head. Nobody would see my face as we galloped away.