Euphemistically Yours

In the morning, it was raining. It wasn’t what I’d call a storm, but it wasn’t a drizzle either. One look out the front doorway was enough to ruin my morning. All I could see was dark clouds from horizon to horizon.

A nice rain is pleasant enough when you are relaxing at home or casually walking about town. When you are on the road, it’s nothing less than miserable. Water adds weight to your gear, makes each movement difficult, soaks your beard, and sticks your clothing to your skin. I was lucky that my mail and cape were freshly oiled when I left the capital, but that only goes so far.

Regardless, I’d overstayed my welcome. Besides, I was eager to get back home. As Diligence prepared an extra serving of soup, I checked over my gear. Vigor and Cheer were busy packing a bag for Euphemism, while she watched. Given her reaction, I supposed nobody had told her she was leaving with me? But, if she didn’t speak the words, how could we explain?

On the other hand, once her bag was ready, she shouldered it up without complaint, and looked to me for guidance. Apparently, she’d figured out what was going on by context. Though, when I gave her a smile, she didn’t respond. Small victories - at least she wasn’t angry.

Once we’d finished our portions of the gruel, I pulled out another silver moon for Diligence. “This is to thank you for your hospitality.”

She backed away from my coin. “Sir. Your generosity is far too much.”

“I was glad for a peaceful rest. Likewise, Honey ate her share in carrots.”

“You have already given us a reward yesterday. It was only fair.”

“That’s true, but I imagine your daughter, Cheer, will miss her new friend.”

“A friend cannot be replaced by any amount of coin.”

She had me there. In fact, she’d rejected my offer three times now, so pressing further would break polite custom and tradition. I returned the coin to my pouch, but couldn’t bear leaving Diligence empty handed. After a moment’s thought, I instead pulled a ring from my right hand.

She immediately saw what I was doing, “Sir! No reward is necessary!”

“This is no reward. It’s a promise. The metal is only copper. The price is less than the coin I offered. However, it bears my mark. If you ever find yourself in trouble, bring that to the seat of the Duchy and if I still live, I’ll do my best to assist you.”

Diligence still looked unsure, so Vigor stepped forward to accept it. “Heavens forbid that we ever need it, but we’ll keep it safe. It will be the treasure of our family!”

I grinned in response, “A treasure is meant to be used. If it serves you better, you may sell it - but scratch out the mark if you do.”

“Of course. I understand.”

I gave him a nod of approval. If he were of higher birth, I would have held out my upturned wrists for him to clasp.

Diligence stepped forward with a package wrapped in leaves. “This has dried berries and fruits to hearten you on the road. It may also improve the girl’s sentiment. She adores sweet things.”

I chuckled, “Just like my own daughters. You have my thanks!”

There was no need for farewells. I’d likely never see them again. Though, Euphemism moved to give each one of them a hug.

Cheer even tried to kiss her ears as a sign of kinship, but Euphemism giggled and pushed her away. From her response, she didn’t seem to understand the meaning of the gesture. Poor Cheer was heartbroken, interpreting it as some sort of rejection.

Once we were ready, the group of us trudged out into the falling rain. There was some delay as I cinched up Honey’s saddles and baggage, so the rest stayed under the cover of a nearby tree.

We hadn’t even set off, but I could already feel the mud sticking to my boots. It was simple to predict that Honey would be miserable and crabby by the end of the day. Worse, if she had to carry an extra burden, she’d be even more irritable. But, looking at the girl’s wooden shoes, I could guess that she’d develop blisters before walking even the time span between two bells.

In the end, I decided the best solution was to lead the horse while letting the girl ride. If anyone saw me, it’d be shameful, but I wasn’t actually concerned about rumors from a few serfs out here in the boonies. Besides, to them, the sight would be more amusing than disgraceful.

Unfortunately, there was one last unexpected wrinkle. Euphemism was terrified of Honey and wouldn’t even come near her. Now I understood why she’d kept the horse at a distance yesterday. When I picked her up and carried her toward the saddle, she froze straight and solid like an icicle. Her eyes opened as wide as they could go and I could feel her trembling underneath my grasp. This wouldn’t work - Honey would be sure to bite her at this rate!

Trying to calm the girl down, I spoke to her gently. She may not understand my words, but I hoped she’d get my intent. “I’m going to put you on top of Honey. She’s a sweetie, but if you keep flinching like this, you’ll upset her.”

“No! No! Bad! Bad!” She flailed her arms and kicked out her legs as I carried her closer.

I sighed sadly. I considered sweet-talking the horse instead. It might work for a while. Honey might listen to me for a time if I asked, but in the end, she’d do whatever she wanted.

I stepped back to count off the different alternatives on my fingers.

Option one: I could stay another day and wait for the rain to end. Everybody would be fine with that except for me. I wanted to get back home! Option one, nope!

Option two: The girl could walk. Honey would be happy. The girl’s feet would end up like raw meat. Option two, nope!

Option three: I could force the girl to ride. Oh! I could tie her onto the saddle like baggage! In fact, if I tied her over the top face-down, I wouldn’t even have to look at her. Although I felt like this was the best option so far, I was still concerned about her magic. Option three, nope!

Option four: I could carry the girl. She was tiny, thin-boned, and probably weighed no more than a feather. If Honey carried my gear and the girl’s bag, it’d be fine. The problem then would be the hit to my reputation. If anyone I knew saw me, the Duke would be asking questions. Option four, nope!

Option five. There was no option five! At least nothing that I could think of. I’d have to choose one of the other four. In fact, I felt my resolve failing as I stood here undecided. The whole family was watching me!

“I have an idea!” said Cheer. “You could give my sister some carrots!”

Euphemism was her 'sister' now? How awful! Hmm… still, the idea did have some merit. Honey would love more carrots. If it came from the girl’s hand, Honey would treat her well afterwards. At the same time, it would teach Euphemism that there was nothing to fear.

It didn’t take long to make a decision. “Carrots it is! Could I purchase a bucket full? I’ll hand them to the girl one at a time.”

Cheer shot off like an arrow toward the front garden. In the meantime, Vigor found the bucket from yesterday and brushed it out. A few moments later, we were ready.

I hunkered down on my heels to face Euphemism at her eye-level with the bucket at my feet and a single carrot in my hand. “Watch me. This is easy.”

Euphemism’s eyes were wide as I approached Honey from the front. This much was obvious, because horses don’t like it when you sneak up behind them. I extended the carrot, waving it slowly in front of her nose. Honey gave a look at me, a nicker of amusement, and then snatched it out of my hand. “Crunch crunch crunch.”

“See? Easy!” I walked back to Euphemism and forced a carrot into her hand. She shook her head back and forth, but I moved behind her and pushed her slowly toward the horse.

“No! No! No!”

It was all going well until Honey, seeing the carrot, took a step forward. At that point, Euphemism started flailing around so hard that the carrot flew out of her hand. That wouldn’t have been a problem, except the resulting trajectory was unfortunate.

Honey does not like it when carrots stab her in the eye.

If you’ve ever heard a warhorse roar, you’d understand why we both leaped backwards. More accurately, I stumbled backwards pulling Euphemism away. The girl had fainted outright.

In a way, Euphemism’s collapse was a good thing. First, she didn’t see Honey rearing up and stomping her hooves into the ground. I had no doubt that wouldn’t improve her opinion of horses. But, more importantly, I could now tie the girl to the saddle without any complaints.