Euphemistically Yours

I considered taking a trip to the horse merchant, but it was already well into the afternoon. Furthermore, after the morning’s excitement, I decided that I’d already run through my meager supply of confusion and despair for one day. Instead, I left Eu in the care of Constance and my daughters. That gave me a chance to put my feet up, close my eyes, and relax in my favorite chair.

It had actually been my father’s chair before me. Where he’d gotten it, I’d never asked, but it was a heavy wooden composition decorated with intricate carvings. There were hundreds of sculpted horses running down both arms and all four legs. Each one was unique, with different poses and textures.

My father had kept it sitting under the portico at his front door. Unfortunately, that house now belonged to the other side of the family. When I’d been given this small domain, I’d left our old home to them, but I still took the chair. Now it sat under my portico, watching the front path, much like my father.

At times like this, it served me well. I could sit and see the wind blowing in waves across the fields. It gave me a quiet moment to collect my thoughts. Time could pass without worries and concerns such as the rising sound of three girls arguing inside the house behind me. Unfortunately, the three voices kept getting louder and louder, which made me wonder why Constance hadn’t clamped down on it yet.

When I walked in through the front door, the three had arranged themselves into a triangle. Progress was facing down Eu, while Swift was trying to barter peace between the other two. On the other hand, she was grinning happily, clearly pleased by the excitement. Constance was nowhere in sight.

“You! You’re ugly and you look like a boy!” Progress shrieked.

“You are plum-eye horse-mouth!” Eu replied. Her insults were foolish, but the dangerous grin on her face told a different story. More importantly, her analysis apparently hit the mark, because I could see Progress getting angrier and angrier

Luckily, Progress had learned her lesson and kept a safe distance. She knew she’d lose in a physical altercation. Instead, she was sticking to a verbal assault. “Only boys wear pants! You’re a disgrace to our family!”

In that, Progress had a point as well. The last I’d seen Eu, she’d still been wearing her town clothes. I had no idea when she’d changed back into her rough spun peasant’s outfit, but there it was. Worse, she was wearing her fine sword in the belt at her waist. The image didn’t fit at all.

“WHAT IS GOING ON HERE?” I bellowed out to stop the argument and get their attention.

Progress responded quickly, “Mother left me in charge of reciting scriptures. But then, Eu walked off and came back with those pants!”

Eu’s response imitated Progress, mocking her tone and cadence. “Progress is not Constance. Progress is little girl! Progress stop her squeaking or Progress wear pants TOO!”

“Squeaking?” Progress squeaked, moving further back. Apparently Eu’s threat sounded a little too serious for her to ignore.

“Squeaking?” I repeated. “Eu, where did you learn that word?”

“Progress say it. I say it now.”

I gave Progress a long look, “You only have yourself to blame for that one. Eu learned from your example.”

“She’s NOT making me wear pants!” Progress cowered against the far wall, her eyes wide.

“No. No, she’s not.” I turned back toward Eu. “You said that Progress is a little girl, but you are even younger. You aren’t her mother either. You can’t tell Progress what to do.”

“For now!” Eu objected.

I laughed, “Progress is the eldest sister. Progress will always be older than you. You’ll never be able to order her around.”

“Hmph!” Eu turned away and stomped her foot.

Progress raised up her chin and glared across the room.

At this point, Swift joined the conversation, “Father, why does Eu wear pants?”

“I already explained that. Her… umm… father told her to wear pants for her disguise.”

“But aren’t you her father now? You can tell her to stop, right? Are you her father, or is her first father still her father too?”

I didn’t have a quick answer ready for that. “Let me talk to your mother about that.”

Unfortunately, Eu had her own declaration on the matter, “I will NOT wear a dress! Dress is bad!”

“Why? Because of your disguise?” Swift turned back to Eu.

Before I could respond in her stead, Eu shook her head. “Not father. Dress is bad. Magic is bad in dress.”

“Oh!” Swift’s eyes lit up. “The winds would blow it around and show your legs!”

“Legs?” Eu paused, confused for a moment. “No! Magic is bad in dress. Dress is … little magic.”

Swift looked over toward me for an explanation, but I didn’t know either. In fact, I couldn’t even guess where this was going - and I’d already learned that anything I didn’t understand was probably bad. “Let’s talk about that later. For now, it’s important for Eu’s disguise.”

“For NOW?” Eu growled at me.

“For now!” I repeated. “At least until we can figure out what would work better.” In fact, I had some ideas, but I’d need to talk to Constance first. Speaking of which … “Where did your mother go?”

As if to answer that question, there was a knock at the front door. Since I had just come in, the door wasn’t far behind me, so I turned to open it. “Wife! Where have you…”

But it wasn’t Constance. Instead, the young guardsman, Will, was standing on our front step. He was dressed very nicely, and I could tell that his hair was freshly combed. Given our difference in status, he knelt down before me on one knee. Seeing my surprised expression, he quickly defended himself. “You said I could visit? Is this a bad time?”

From behind me, I heard Progress squeak and skitter out of sight into the hallway. However, Swift and Eu both moved as one to get a glimpse of Will through the front doorway. Realizing that Eu was still wearing pants, I moved to block line-of-sight by interposing my own body.

Obviously, based on my tense reaction, Will became more and more nervous. His eyes didn’t focus on mine, instead hovering at my collar line. His posture was likewise leaning backwards, ready to jump up and flee.

I sighed quietly. We already had enough trouble! I didn’t want any new rumors swirling about. “Will, yes! I’m sure my wife and daughters will be pleased to see you. But, we’re in the middle of a … discussion. Yes, a discussion … about the meaning of one of the scriptures. Please give us a moment to prepare for a guest.”

With that, I closed the door in his face and whirled about to address Swift and Eu. Swift, go help Progress with whatever she needs to come out and greet Will. Eu, if you want to talk to our guest, you’ll have to wear a dress. No pants allowed. So… put on a dress, or stay in the bedroom.”

Swift obediently ran off at my command. In contrast, Eu tilted her head to consider her options. After all, I’d given her a choice.

Impatient, I pointed toward the back of the house, “Either way, dress or no dress, you'll need to go to your bedroom!”

With that, she nodded and made a quick retreat. I wasn’t sure which option she would take, and it didn’t look like she’d made up her mind either. On the other hand, as she left, I noticed a clever grin cross her face. That didn’t bode well, but I could only hope for the best.

Once the front room was empty, I turned back to the door and reopened it. Will was still standing there, though I could see a layer of sweat on his forehead from anxiety. I wasn't surprised. I’d never been as brave as him at his age. I would never have dared to visit the house of a young woman without a group behind me. I was quite impressed by his courage in the face of adversity.

“Please, come in! My daughters have moved to the back rooms to prepare for a guest. My wife is … uhh … busy with other business.” At least, that seemed like a reasonable guess?

“Thank you.” He bowed again deeply before stepping over the threshold. As he did, I looked him over. Although he was wearing his sword belt, he removed the lone dagger he'd brought and left it outside the door. After all, he needed it to travel safely, but as an outsider, it would be offensive to bring a weapon inside.

“The servants should be working in the kitchen. You must be parched. Do you need something to drink?”

“Ah … errm … yes, please.”

“I’ll be right back then. Please have a seat.” I directed him to the chairs in the main hall and then turned away to head back toward the kitchens. It wasn’t really polite to leave a guest alone like that, but my options were limited. Plus, I had an ulterior motive.

Unfortunately, the servants were conspicuously absent from the kitchen. There was a large loaf of dough laid out on the center block, plus all the cut ingredients for a pot of soup prepared on a side table. The ovens were ready, but the fires were banked low. Looking over the clues, clearly they’d been called away in the middle of cooking dinner. That might also explain what had happened to Constance, but I still didn’t have enough information.

It wasn’t really appropriate for me to carry a drink. In fact, since that sort of task was so far below my status, I found myself stuck in a dilemma. I’d offered him refreshment, but I couldn’t bring it myself without damaging my reputation. Seeing no other choice, I headed toward Progress’s bedroom for help.

Just before I arrived, the door opened. Progress led the way out with Swift behind her. Swift was wearing her usual daily clothing, but Progress had put on her second-best dress, plus a bonnet hat to conceal her injured eye. “Father? Did Will leave?”

“No, he’s in the front room, waiting. But first, I need your help. I offered him a drink since he had to walk this way from town. However, your mother and the servants are all missing. Could you or your sister carry it out to him?”

Swift jumped forward, shivering in excitement, “I can do it!”

Progress pushed her back, “No. He came to see me, so as my guest, it’s my responsibility.”

I nodded at the two of them. They could take care of it. In the meantime, I could keep Will busy with conversation until they arrived. As I made my way back toward the main hall, I gave one last glance behind to see the door to Eu’s bedroom swing open. When she stepped out, she was wearing her informal town dress. I breathed a sigh of relief and pointed for her to follow her sisters to the kitchen.

“Please forgive the delay, Will. My wife and the servants are out on some other business, so there was some confusion in the back.”

He stood up again as a show of respect when I entered the room, “It is my fault. I did not specify what time I would arrive. I could come back later … or another day?”

“No! We invited you, and you’re already here. This is fine. Besides, my daughters will enjoy serving a guest themselves.” I tried to keep the smirk off my face. Naturally, Progress would be over the moon at the chance to bring him a drink. How better to demonstrate her qualities for potential courtship?

The sound of a crashing cup in the background didn’t help with that image. Instead of wincing, I gave Will a big smile. “That must be Swift. She’s still very young and clumsy.”

“Of course!” He nodded, but instead of the hallway to the kitchen, I could see his eyes drifting toward the front door and escape.

Progress finally appeared, carrying one of our finer bottles of ale - the one that had lavender petals added to the mix. Luckily, it had a very low alcohol content - but, it was expensive. I couldn’t help but scowl at the price. We’d been saving that bottle for a special occasion.

Constance would likely be angry. But, I hadn’t given Progress specific instructions, so it would probably be considered as my fault. I couldn’t really complain at the moment. Later! Later, I could explain to Progress how to choose the appropriate drink for a guest.

Swift and Eu were following behind her, carrying plates and cups. Swift had the cups, while Eu had a plate with some arranged flatbread. Considering we didn’t have any fresh food ready, it was a good idea, and I approved Progress’s insight.

Swift presented a cup to everyone present. After all, if we were to be drinking with a guest, it was only proper for everyone to drink. Anything else might suggest foul play, such as an attempt to poison, drug, or simply intoxicate someone.

Progress then uncorked the bottle. She had brought a tool from the kitchen and clearly knew how to use it. That was a surprise for me. I had no idea when she had learned that. Just what other skills was my wife teaching beside the scriptures and sewing?

Naturally, as the master of the house, she poured my cup first, then Will’s. When she moved to pour for Eu and Swift, I motioned that she only give each of them a few drops. The bottle she had chosen was costly and it wouldn’t do anything for their inexperienced palates.

Last, she poured a cup for herself that Swift laid onto the sitting table. Once everyone had a cup in hand, I raised mine into the air to give a toast. “To friendship and prosperity!”

“To friendship and prosperity!” All four of them echoed my words and raised their cups as well. Even Eu followed suit, so she apparently understood the ritual gesture. With that, we all took a swallow, and I couldn’t help but smile at how well this had turned out.

At that exact moment, the front door flew open and Grit stumbled through, dripping blood.