Euphemistically Yours

Despite my worst fears, Eu seemed to know enough manners to remain seated until the meal was over. On the other hand, this was the first time I’d seen her eat so much. As usual, she avoided most of the soup, but downed two chunks of meat plus all the bread on her plate. Her wine was left untouched, so it wasn’t just the sour ale at the taverns that she rejected.

To finish the meal, the servants brought in a plate of small sweetcakes. We each took one, leaving enough for breakfast in the morning. However, after one bite, Eu snagged another one off the plate before I pulled it away from her and laid a cloth on top.

She didn’t object strongly, but I could see her eyes linger on the plate resting in the middle of the table. At the same time, I recognized her expression. It was almost the same as if Honey had been denied a carrot. Luckily, I’d yet to see Eu bite anyone.

Once everyone was visibly finished, my wife stood from her chair, indicating the meal was complete. At that signal, my children filed out of the room. They would each attend to their own affairs and put themselves to bed. However, Eu watched the two adults for directions.

“Husband, why did you decide to bring this girl to our home?”

“Ahh…” I was reluctant to talk right in front of our topic of conversation. “Perhaps we should find her a bed first? She may not understand everything we say, but she’s learning fast.”

“Very well.” Constance beckoned Eu to follow her, so the three of us moved to the guest room. It was meant for unexpected visitors of similar status to our own. Obviously, it wasn’t the most expensive room in the house, but it was large enough for a family with two beds and space for more to sleep on the floor. It also had a cabinet.

In comparison, as the heir, Grit had his own private room, but it was much smaller and utilitarian. Since Progress and Swift were female, their lesser status meant the two shared a room and a single bed of similar size to Grit's. Progress often complained that Swift kicked her in her sleep. As her parents, we knew it was good training for the day when she’d be married and have her own children.

“Eu won’t soil the bedding?” asked Constance.

“She’s not a Plainsman." Though, I knew those rumors weren't true at all. If anything, they were cleaner than we are. Constance could see my hesitation, so I amended my statement. "Like I said before, she’s a noble.”

“Hmm… so you say.” Constance smirked at me. She could tell my statement was a half-truth.

“She didn't caused any trouble during the trip.”

“Oh?” Her eyes narrowed. I suppose THAT statement was an outright lie.

“She hasn’t soiled any bedding so far!”

Constance watched my face for a moment before nodding her consent. Then she directed Eu inside, showed her the chamberpot, and finally moved to close the door.

Unfortunately, Eu had one objection, “Fwoof here? Fwoof now?”

“Ahh… no. No fwoofing.” I shook my head.

“Fwoof where?” She insisted.

“We’ll handle that tomorrow. I’ll find a good spot for you.”

“Fwoof sand fwoof?”

“You want sand?” I grimaced as Constance watched our strange conversation.

“Sand! Yes!”

“We’ll handle that tomorrow. Sleep now.”

Eu sighed as if I was betraying her, but consented, “Fwoof tomorrow! Sand!”

“Tomorrow.” I closed the door and gave a silent prayer that there would be no further trouble.

Of course, my prayer couldn’t account for trouble that was already in progress. “Now then, husband, please tell more details about your trip.”

“Yes, I have much to tell. Let us retire to our own room.”

The walls were thin, but our room was on the farthest corner of the house, sharing an inner wall only with the stone bricks of the storage pantry. Across the hallway was Grit’s room, then my daughters' shared room. As an outsider, the guest room was on the opposite corner of the house, with closed doors between.

The master bedroom, for myself and Constance, had two chairs plus a table for business and work. These also served as a spot to review topics such as this. As the woman of the house, she had to wait for me to be seated before she could sit to face me. However, as the man of the house, I had to gracefully endure her questions - assuming I wanted a house to come home to tomorrow.

There was a bowl of water and a cloth laid out on the table. The servants must have noted that I was covered in dust and left that there for me. With a sigh, I began wiping the worst of my travels off of my face and beard. After all, it’s easier to wash a cloth than your whole bed.

“Husband. I’m sure you have many reasons for your decisions. I assume the girl is important to the Duke somehow. But why did you bring her here?”

I blinked at her as she shifted in the opposite seat. She didn’t seem to be concerned about Eu’s strange name or her terrible choices in clothing. Yes, she already knew I was lying about some of that, but it didn’t bother her. This left me confused, so I tried venturing forth with the truth, “We needed somewhere to stay. I couldn’t bother the Duke this late in the day. Nor did I have enough funds to pay for another inn. Did I choose poorly?”

“You could have slept on the road, could you not?”

“I suppose, but then I would have appeared before the Duke bedraggled and dusty.”

She nodded along, “I see your reasoning. I also see your lack of consideration for our family.”

“Consideration? Family?”

She gave me a small smile, “Don’t worry. I've already forgiven you. But, you didn’t think about it, did you?”

“Wha? What do you mean?”

“Hmm… let me tell you a story about my neighbors back when I was a girl. The man of the house, a squire much like you, came home with a young peasant-girl in tow. He brought her into the house, introduced her to his family, and then let her eat at the table. What do you think of that?”

“Uhhh… OH NO! High heavens! What have I done?”

In response, she shook her head. “You could see it when it was my hypothetical neighbors, but not when it was yourself.”

Of course I could see it now! The obvious conclusion was that I’d brought home my illegitimate daughter to join my family. The servants would be gossiping with their not-quite-so-hypothetical neighbors tonight. My peers would hear about it tomorrow and the Duke not long after that. Our status and respect would be ruined. Marriage prospects for our children would dry up. In other words, it was a disaster.

“But… I didn’t. Oh no, no, no ….”

“You see the problem.” She reached out to hold my hand.

“But her black hair! That girl couldn’t be my child!”

“You think not? The rumors will invent stories of your dalliances with a Plainsman prostitute.”

“Plainsmen don’t have prostitutes! They’d flay alive anyone they even suspected!”

“Prostitute, princess… it doesn’t matter. The girl’s hair color will just make the story more exciting.”

I dropped my head to cradle it in my hands. “Agh!”

“You’ll be taking the girl to the Duke tomorrow?”

“Of course! We’ll never see her again!”

“Will that fix this situation?”

“Yes. He’ll be taking her in. She’ll be his problem, not ours.”

“Will he? Won’t the same situation and suspicions apply to him?”

“Ahhh… they would normally, but there’s one more detail I haven’t mentioned yet.”

“She actually IS of foreign nobility? I was almost sure you made that part up.”

I tilted my head at her question, but I wasn't sure of my answer. “She might be? She’s learned manners and reading and writing somewhere. But, as for her rank, I don’t know what she is.”

“Then… ? Why is the Duke taking her? Ransom?”

“No, she’s a magician. More powerful and strange than any that I’ve ever heard of except in the legends. If you want to see her ‘fwoof’ tomorrow, I could arrange that. Maybe we could even set it up so the servants could see it too.”

“A mage?” She paused to think that through. “Then that’s what she meant by ‘fwoofing’? She was going to use magic INSIDE our home?”

I waved my hands. “She wanted to. But I’m not stupid. That’s why I told her to wait.”

“Yes… hmm… I haven’t decided yet about that ‘stupid’ part.” She smiled at her joke. It was an unexpected jab from her, but she knew I’d let it slide since it was said in jest.

“I’ll do my best with the Duke.” I said with a wink.

“I trust you will. In fact, I have an idea that may help.” After that, she outlined her plan.

I could trust always trust her judgement. She was constantly measuring potential profits against losses. After all, as per custom, the woman of the house holds the purse strings. I may be supported by the Duke, but any gains went into my wife’s coffers. In fact, it was up to her to decide my allowance each week. Lucky for me, Constance wasn’t the greedy penny-pinching sort. She had our family’s standing behind each of her decisions. Given the situation, she was trying to find a way to turn it into an advantage.

After hearing her plan and weighing the options, I could help but agree. It’s impossibly hard to catch the Duke’s eye when you’re one of his many free squires. About the only way to be granted a favor was by exceptional service in battle. On the other hand, battlefield honors depend on the opportunity - not to mention leaping toward danger is a good way to get yourself killed. Handling an unexpected situation and offering a magician to the Duke’s retinue? If anything, it was BETTER if the rumors said that Eu was my bastard daughter.

I could see the sparkle in Constance's eyes. If we handled this right, it would ruin my reputation, but I could very well be knighted!