Elden Ring: The Speedrunner's Guide to the Lands Between.

There is a discord for this fic. It has Live Updates about chapter progress and when they are completed, among other things. I'm also very active there and am likely to respond to any message sent there. Join at discord.gg/aWZ9qX9mAW 

Glory to my chief Proofreader: Bakenekon. For he is the one who points out mistakes and acts as my favourite wall to bounce ideas off of.

My brain worm spoke, I must answer.

This will mostly follow my own route, so there will be a lot of running around to collect various items and things for set up in the first few chapters.

Not quite sure what the build will be currently, but it's most probably gonna start as a bleed build and transition into whatever I'd feel like later on. Give your own suggestions in the comments and I might just use them :3

Also, I don't claim to be a lore expert, I am just trying my best here. From Soft doesn't make it easy for any of us. So if there are any lore inaccuracies according to you, you'll have to forgive me and suspend your disbelief.

Anywho, enjoy~

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Jack Conners leaned back in his desk chair, arms crossed behind his head, as he watched yet another streamer attempt to speedrun Elden Ring. 

His room was dimly lit, the glow of the screen reflecting off his sharp blue eyes. He had quite the unremarkable look; an average slim build with long black hair tied into a small ponytail, and the kind of light stubble that neither added ruggedness nor detracted from his generally unimpressive appearance.

On-screen, the streamer 'HeliosTheHater' was deep into the final stretch of the run, squaring off against Radagon of the Golden Order. The boss's divine hammer crashed down, sending golden shockwaves rippling through the air. Helios, clearly feeling the pressure, cast a Lightning Spear, aiming to finish the fight before Radagon could respond.

With a sudden, almost mocking efficiency, Radagon parried the attack. Jack watched as the streamer let out a strangled cry of panic, desperately rolling backwards, but they both knew it was too late. The red-haired Deity seized him with a punishing grab, lifted him into the air, and slammed him into the ground.

Instant death.

Jack snorted in amusement, his attention flickering to the run timer in the corner of the screen. '3 hours, 48 minutes.' A long way from any record-breaking time. And now, with this setback? He chuckled quietly to himself. 

'Yeah, that timer's only gonna get longer.'

Helios groaned in frustration, leaning forward to smack his head against the desk with a loud thud. Then, with barely a second thought, he quit out of the game and restarted the run. Jack just smirked at this and leaned forward, his fingers flying across the keyboard.

[Bumgumi_Hater: Brother, you are trash.]

He waited for a moment, watching the chat—which was nearly dead, apart from a couple of lurkers—before adding another message.

[Bumgumi_Hater: Just pack it up already, speedrunning ain't for you.]

In a chat box with only four viewers, his messages stood out like a sore thumb.

Helios, still seething from the loss, squinted at the chat and let out a tired groan. "Bruh, I'd like to see you do better."

Jack's smirk widened. 'Oh, now we're talking.'

[Bumgumi_Hater: Easily.]

Helios scoffed, rolling his eyes. "Yeah? Show me, then. Let's see you actually try."

Jack cracked his knuckles, barely suppressing a grin. 

[Bumgumi_Hater: Bet.]

Without hesitation, he booted up Elden Ring, the familiar golden tree dominating the title screen. As the intro cinematic began to play, he absentmindedly reached for his phone, adding Helios on Yapper, a social media app, so he could broadcast directly to him and the handful of other viewers.

"Alright, what's the setup?" Jack asked, glancing at the options menu. "What're the rules?"

Helios barely hesitated. "Pick whatever class you want, take whatever keepsake, but no glitches. Exploits are fine, but you play it straight."

Jack nodded, satisfied with the rules. "Fair enough."

Without wasting time, he selected the Samurai class. A solid choice, strong starting gear, an excellent early-game weapon in the Uchigatana, and a balanced stat spread. As for the keepsake, he hovered over a few options before selecting the Lands Between Rune. Free runes never hurt.

The stream chat, despite its minimal activity, reacted immediately.

[Booty_Warrior68: Mid class]

[SuperSeniorSolaire: Should've gone Warrior fr]

[RanniIsBestGirl: This man is about to get bodied, Magic betta]

[Melina's_Boven: Of course this guy goes with a Bleed Build, shameless]

Jack just rolled his eyes at them, he went to choose a name and look for his character. He thought for a moment, considering choosing a saved female avatar that he usually used for runs but then shrugged and chose a male avatar, one that almost perfectly mimicked his own features, although it did make him look way more handsome than he was in person.

He then went to choose a name, thinking for a moment before a small grin covered his face. 

[Name: John Elden Ring.]

The stream chat, once again, reacted immediately.

[SuperSeniorSolaire: LMAO this fuckin guy bro]

[Melina's_Boven: You can't make this shit up]

[RanniIsBestGirl: That's fuckin golden, why didn't i think of that :PeepoSad:]

Jack chuckled slightly in amusement, he checked his character over one more time before nodding. Then, just as he was about to start the run, a sudden sound cut through the air.

Grrrrrrrnnnn.

His stomach let out a low, disgruntled growl.

Jack blinked, placing a hand over his abdomen. "Oh."

There was a moment of silence as he processed the feeling, getting another gurgle in his stomach a moment later. He sighed at that with a shameless shrug as he spoke to the stream, "Nature is calling, I guess."

Helios raised a brow in confusion. "What?"

"Gonna grab some food first." Jack said, already pushing back his chair. "Can't speedrun on an empty stomach."

"Bro-" Helios started to protest, then stopped.

For a split second, his expression changed. The irritation faded. A slow, almost knowing smirk crept onto his face as he leaned in towards the camera. His eyes gleamed with something… Strange.

"Sure. Go ahead. Take your time. I'll be waiting."

Jack frowned. "Why do you look like that?"

"Like what?"

"Like a cartoon villain about to monologue."

Helios just grinned wider at his words and rested a hand on one fist. "Dunno what you mean, man. Go get your food."

Jack narrowed his eyes but shrugged it off, guessing it was an inside joke that he didn't understand or something. 

"Whatever."

With that, he stood up, stretched, and grabbed his wallet before heading out of his room, making his way down the hall and out the front door.

…

The night air was crisp, carrying the faint scent of petrol and city smog. Jack walked casually, hands in his hoodie pockets as he headed towards the nearby supermarket for some quick snacks. Streetlights cast long shadows against the pavement, and the low hum of traffic filled the air.

He was absentmindedly walking down the sidewalk, passing an idle white Truck and reaching the neighborhood's superstore a few minutes later. All was fine, atleast until he felt it.

A creeping, insidious sensation curled up his spine—Like a déjà vu so powerful it nearly made his breath hitch. He slowed his walking pace as his eyebrows furrowed.

'Why does this feel familiar?'

He began muttering under his breath, "I feel like I've been here before… Have I been here before?"

The uneasy sensation only grew stronger. His gaze flickered around himself as if looking for something. Normal traffic. Pedestrians walking by. Street lights blinking in routine patterns.

And then-

VRRRRR!

An engine revved, louder than it should have any right to, causing Jack's head to snap towards the sound with undisguised shock.

A white Truck, which was just idling in traffic moments ago, was now covered in an unnatural pulsating dark aura. Oily, inky tendrils clung to its surface, twisting and writhing like living shadows. Glowing purple Kanji floated eerily around its front grill, flickering in and out of reality, he could almost swear they meant 'DEATH'.

Jack stared at it with a shell shocked expression, unsure if what he was looking at was even real. He looked around himself to check if he wasn't going crazy, finding that he was actually alone despite there being dozens if not hundreds of people around not two seconds ago.

"…What in the fuck? Is that Truck-kun?!"

"BEEP BEEP! MOTHERFUCKER!"

Before he could react, before he could so much as blink, the White Truck roared forward at impossible speed.

The last thing Jack saw was blinding white light. Then-

Impact.

Everything went black.

…

"Awaken, 'O Tarnished One. Thou hast a Grand Ordeal to Conquer and an Order to Burn."

The voice was like the toll of a great bell – Resonant, commanding, and laced with a divinity that sent a shiver through Jack's very soul. It was beautiful, yet imperious. A voice that had spoken laws into existence and shaped the fate of kingdoms.

Jack's consciousness surfaced slowly, his body sluggish as if weighed down by unseen chains. His senses flickered into clarity one by one – The cold touch of stone beneath him, the distant whisper of wind through hallowed halls, the faint scent of dust and age. His fingers twitched against the ground, gripping it as if to confirm its reality.

'Where... am I?'

A haze clung to his mind, thick and disorienting, but the presence before him cut through it like a blade. His muscles tensed instinctively as he forced his head upwards, and then.. He saw her.

She stood before him, bathed in an ethereal glow, her form wreathed in golden light that shimmered and pulsed like a living aura. There was a veil of divine mist around her, not obscuring but enhancing her radiance, making it difficult to discern where her body ended and the magic began. It was as if she existed both within and beyond the mortal plane at once.

She was a Goddess.

That was the only possible description.

A Goddess, if ever one there was.

She was tall, statuesque, and regal, her presence filling the vast chamber as though it had been built solely for her. Her golden hair, thick and flowing, cascaded down in elaborate braids that framed a face of impossible beauty—strong yet elegant, timeless yet unmarred by age. A delicate crown rested upon her brow, its intricate design merging seamlessly with the divine runes that marked her flesh.

Her robes, woven from black and gold, draped over her form with effortless grace yet leaving nearly nothing of her jaw-droppingly voluptuous body to the imagination. The dark fabric swirled with every subtle movement, embroidered with celestial patterns that seemed to shift under the golden light.

In one hand, she held a length of golden strands of hair, its meaning unknown, its material shimmering like threads spun from the very fabric of the Erdtree itself. In the other, a hammer – The Hammer.

Jack recognised it instantly. The hammer of Queen Marika, the weapon that had shattered the Elden Ring itself. It was neither ornate nor delicate; it was a brutal thing, heavy and purposeful, forged not for ceremony but for destruction. It crackled faintly with a power he could not comprehend, as if yearning to be wielded once more.

His throat ran dry.

He was staring at Queen Marika the Eternal.

The very Goddess whose game he had played countless times, whose actions had shaped the lore he had memorised, whose myths and legends had been dissected endlessly in online discussions.

And she was looking at him.

There was a long silence.

Jack opened his mouth to speak, to ask where he was, what was happening—but words failed him.

Marika tilted her head slightly, regarding him with an unreadable yet breathtaking expression. Then, after what felt like an eternity, she exhaled, almost amused as the Golden strands of hair in her hands faded away into Golden specs of light that overtook the dark and dilapidated halls of the church she stood in.

"Art thou stricken dumb, or dost thou intend to kneel?"

Jack blinked.

'Oh. Right. That was Truck-kun, wasn't it? There are three options here, the first two don't really mean the best for me. Either I died and this is my mind fucking with me, I'm in a coma and this is the last gasp of my dying brain, or… I'm in a fucking Isekai.'

He immediately did what any rational person in his position would do.

"…Huh?"

Marika sighed, rubbing her temple with an air of frustration before muttering under her breath. "Thou dost understand my words, dost thou not? This had best work, for I hath sacrificed much for this gambit."

Jack, or rather, the Tarnished, pulled himself upright, shaking off the lingering haze of unconsciousness. His fingers instinctively pressed against the cold stone beneath him, his mind still reeling from the sheer absurdity of it all. He blinked, taking in his surroundings for the first time.

A ruined church. Dust clung to the broken walls, drifting lazily through beams of pale moonlight that filtered through shattered windows. Crumbling pillars reached towards a ceiling barely holding together, and twisted vines wrapped around the remains of forgotten statues.

He knew this place.

Even through his disbelief, recognition flickered in his mind. The Chapel of Anticipation.

A location every speedrunner knew well.

He exhaled sharply, his breath visible in the cold air. 'No way. No fucking way. This is… Real?'

"Aye." Marika affirmed, her golden eyes watching him closely. "This is no mere dream nor illusion. I hath forged a covenant with a being most ancient—an Outer God, whose power I didst invoke to summon forth a Champion."

She stepped forward, the divine mist surrounding her shifting like living silk. Her every movement exuded grace, each word laced with weight.

"A Champion destined to best all who stand before him, to claim the title of Elden Lord, and to break the shackles that bind me within the Erdtree."

Jack's fingers curled instinctively, feeling the unfamiliar yet unmistakable weight of armour. His gaze dropped, his hands running over the lacquered plates of his Samurai garb. The smooth texture, the snug fit – It was real. Everything was real.

And yet, despite the overwhelming nature of it all, one question burned brighter than the rest.

He lifted his head. "And which Outer God decided I was worthy of this?"

A small smirk played upon Marika's lips. "His name is Helios."

"…Helios?" The Tarnished froze as his brow twitched. "You sure about that?"

Marika merely arched a delicate brow. "I wouldst not have spoken it were it not truth."

Jack inhaled sharply, memories crashing over him in an instant.

The stream. Helios' smug smirk. The dare.

Truck-kun.

His fists clenched, his expression twisting into one of rage and indignance. "…That Rat Motherfucker!"

Marika's bemusement only grew, but she made no comment on his outburst. Instead, she raised a hand to her chest, her golden braids swaying slightly with the motion, and declared with absolute authority:

"With the aid of the Outer God, I hath woven for thee a 'System'. One that shall guide thee upon thy journey, a system not unlike that which thou art already well-versed in."

Jack narrowed his eyes, suspicion creeping in. "…But?"

Her lips curled ever so slightly. "But… With one singular distinction."

She placed a hand over her chest, exuding an undeniable sense of smug satisfaction.

"I am thy System Admin."

Jack blinked slowly.

"…You're what?"

Marika hummed, clearly pleased by his reaction. "I shall oversee thy journey, offer guidance, and ensure thy progress. Until such time as thou hast proven thy worth, I shall remain."

"Okay, but if you're my 'System Admin' and you're right here, then why the hell do you need me to free you?" Tarnished asked as he reached out and attempted to touch her.

And yet, his fingers passed straight through her as if she was but an illusion, drawing a sharp gasp from him as his mind raced, trying to process the impossibility of what just happened.

Marika's expression did not change. "This form thou dost perceive is but an Astral Projection of my true self."

She turned, stepping away with effortless grace, her golden aura casting long shadows across the chapel floor.

"My body remains within the confines of the Erdtree, ensnared within it by the Greater Will. Know this, thou alone may see and hear me. So I bid thee, do not disgrace us both by speaking aloud as though thou wert a witless fool."

She gave him a pointed look. "Speak thy thoughts, and I shall hear them just as well."

Jack exhaled. This was a lot to take in. He ran a hand through his hair, still half-expecting to wake up in his chair, his stream open and Helios laughing at him. But the cold bite of the chapel air, the weight of his armour, the scent of dust and decay – It was all too vivid, too real.

His fingers flexed, testing the strength of his new body. It felt… Powerful. Stronger. Faster. Every movement was precise, his senses sharper than ever before.

Marika gave a small nod of satisfaction before gesturing to the side with a single, elegant motion.

"Now then, thine first trial awaits. I trust thou knowest what that is?"

Jack followed the direction of her hand, his gaze landing upon the corpse of a maiden. A small azure beacon pulsed upon it, calling to him.

His feet moved on instinct. He knew what this was. His hands reached forward as if guided by memory, his fingers brushing against something cold.

A notification flashed before his eyes.

[Picked-Up Item: Tarnished's Wizened Finger]

Jack almost gasped, the text had appeared in his vision. Just like the game, just like the countless times it had before. Marika's voice was smooth with amusement as she spoke to him after giving him a moment to take it in.

"Thou dost possess an Inventory and a Stats Page, I wast told thou knew this afore, so I needn't explain them. Both may be summoned with but a flick of thy finger." She then smirked. "Of course, as thy System Admin, I too may summon them at will."

Without warning, a new display materialised before him.

[STATS PAGE]

Name: John Elden Ring

Class: Samurai

Level: 9

Vigor: 12 (Truly? I hath seen scrawnier knights in my court.)

Mind: 11 (Let us see how much wit doth fill thy skull.)

Endurance: 13 (Mayhaps thou shalt not collapse like a babe with naught but a breeze.)

Strength: 12 (Ah, the might of a warrior? Or merely the grip of a stableboy?)

Dexterity: 15 (Astonishing. Truly, the swiftness of a crippled crow.)

Intelligence: 9 (Tis fitting, mayhaps.)

Faith: 8 (A heathen, I see.)

Arcane: 8 (No great miracles shall be wrought by thee.)

Jack exhaled slowly, then turned to Marika as a sweat dropped down his face. "…Were the comments really necessary?"

Marika only laughed, a low melodic chuckle. "Thou shalt earn my respect when thou hath earned it."

Before he could retort, she disappeared in a sudden flash of golden light, only to reappear beside the chapel's great doors. She pointed towards them with a single graceful finger, her voice once more commanding.

"Go on then. Open the doors; open the doors and lay thine eyes upon the Magnificence of my Kingdom. Gaze upon it with Awe and Trembling."

The Tarnished hesitated, then stepped forward as he placed his hands upon the heavy doors and pushed. At first, a brilliant ray of light pierced through the gap. Then, a chilling wind rushed in, caressing his skin as the doors groaned open. The ancient wood creaked under his strength, resisting slightly before giving way, revealing the breathtaking expanse beyond.

His breath caught in his throat as he stepped forward, the full scope of the Lands Between unveiling itself before his eyes. Jagged cliffs framed the sky, their edges worn by time and storm, while a vast stone bridge stretched across a misty abyss, leading to a great, broken keep. The very air carried a sense of forgotten majesty, tinged with the scent of damp stone and wild grass swaying beneath the cold breeze.

And then, there it was.

The Erdtree.

It loomed over the horizon, an immense pillar of radiant gold, its branches reaching beyond the heavens. It was not simply a tree. It was a force, a presence that seemed to dictate the very laws of the world itself. The warm, ethereal glow of its divine light bathed the land below in a soft golden haze, shifting and swaying like a living thing.

The Tarnished could only stand there, staring, as the weight of reality settled upon him.

This wasn't a screen. It wasn't a game.

He was here.

Marika appeared beside him with a hand on her hip as voice rang out in his head, carrying a sense of smug amusement. "Dost thou yet doubt the truth of this world?"

The Tarnished let out a quiet chuckle, shaking his head as his fingers flexed against the cool air. He exhaled slowly, a grin creeping onto his face despite himself. "I'd be a fool to." 

His gaze remained fixed upon the Erdtree as his voice dropped to a murmur. 

"…I really am in the world of ELDEN RING."

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Author's Note:

Let me know in the comments what you think, for now it's just a smaller side project I wanna work on while keeping my One Piece fic as my focus. If you guys like it enough, I'll give it more and more focus.

…

Next Chapter Title: You are Maidenless.