Discordant Note | TBATE

Toren Daen

It turned out there was another exit from the Cistern: a simple ladder that opened under a decrepit building.

It had been fifteen minutes since I left the Cistern, and I was still silently fuming about having to go through the sewers. If there was an entrance right there, why?!

Of course, I knew the reason. If you wanted a swifter getaway, the sewers were more efficient and didn't leave a trail like everything else. But I was a freak for cleanliness, and that trait had only been exacerbated by my forced stay in the Clarwood Forest.

Being unable to wash and clean myself reliably made me crave baths and showers with a religious fervor.

I'd have to get over it, though.

Wade led me through alleyways, guiding me through mazes of broken-down buildings. We did our best to avoid unfriendly eyes, which was easier than I expected. We maintained stealth for a while, but Wade slowly relaxed as we got farther from the Cistern's secret entrance. The early evening light helped mask our movements.

"There's not much of a point trying to maintain cover now," Wade said. We were both wearing cloaks to ward off the chill, which drew the attention of many of the people we passed. I could see the greed in their eyes, which made me vehemently disagree with the young librarian. We were wearing hats to cover our hair, which would hopefully make attempts to identify us more difficult.

I flared my killing intent when a nearby ruffian with yellow-green spots on his skin started looking a little too long at us. He flinched, then quickly averted his eyes. That man wasn't the first person I'd had to flex my metaphoric muscles at to make them back off.

"Considering I just had to use my killing intent for the fifth time in the last ten minutes, I think I disagree," I said.

"Oh, you'll always run the risk of getting robbed this deep into East Fiachra," Wade replied, a hint of annoyance entering his voice. "It's how things are out here. But we won't get tracked back to base."

I shot an uncertain look at my companion. "How does anybody own anything here?"

"You don't," Wade replied in a clipped tone. "Most of East Fiachra is made up of nonmages. They rot here, out of sight from those who can't stand the filth. The Bloods like to pretend this district doesn't exist."

I winced internally, thinking once more about how deeply I desired to be clean.

Wade shook his head. "It's something you'll get used to if you live here long enough."

"You sound like you know this place," I said, stepping over a rotting slat of wood in the street.

"I grew up here," Wade said, raising a hand to stop me. One of his rats scampered over, no doubt delivering a report of some kind. After a second he waved me on, moving to a short, squat building. "I know this place as well as any."

"You don't live here anymore?" I asked.

"I got out once I manifested my runes," he said. "It's easier to get a paying job with magic. Most leave after they do and don't look back."

He opened the door to the building, which creaked on its hinges. The doorknob looked like it was ready to fall out of its frame. Inside was a small apartment complex, not unlike the one I used to live in. It was far more decrepit, though, with dust and debris all along the hallway.

"I never realized things were this bad," I said. Toren never left his little section of East Fiachra, which was closer to the richer parts of the city. Though he met plenty of poorer folks, I was realizing he was quite sheltered for a young mage. "I'm sorry you had to grow up with this," I finished.

"You were privileged," Wade said matter of factly. "Working at the library, I meet enough young people to know that most mages are. You're an exception to the rule, at least so far," the young librarian said scoffing. "I doubt most of them know what a slum even is." Wade pointed at a man who was curled under a leaning building, huddled in on himself and moaning. "That is what they want to dismiss."

It took me a minute to realize the man wasn't groaning in pain. It was in pleasure.

"He's high on blithe," Wade said. "It's a hell of a drug, but it makes the rounds here. You can't step into an alleyway without breaking a needle under your feet."

I knew about blithe. It was a powerful addictive drug, nicknamed the 'hivemother's honey.' Whenever patients came to the Healer's Guild suffering withdrawal symptoms, there wasn't much anybody could do but let them run their course, but there was almost always permanent damage. The effects of addiction started with chronic chills, then sunken skin. Eventually, the nails on each hand would simply fall off as the body deteriorated.

Looking around, I could see another person curled on the ground, no doubt experiencing the same sort of ecstasy. His hand had a splotch of greenish-yellow taint, a sign of prolonged addiction.

He would die within the next couple of months with the symptoms that far along.

I swallowed as I finally connected the dots to the yellow-green spots I'd seen on so many people. I had thought it was some sort of disease at first, unwilling to believe it was so regular. "It's that common?" I whispered, suddenly subdued. I had felt a bit of anger at being called 'privileged,' but in comparison to growing up around addiction?

Wade didn't answer.

I stared up at the building Wade led me to, eager to escape thoughts of drugs and addiction. "So, who are we meeting here?"

Wade knocked on one of the apartment doors. "Somebody you know," he said. "She asked us to take you in and protect you."

The door opened, revealing a short woman with brown hair pulled into a haphazard bun. She fidgeted lightly with something in her hand, which I realized after a moment was a small knife.

I recognized the middle-aged woman immediately. It was Greahd, the receptionist from the East Fiachra Healer's Guild. The woman had been there to greet Toren for the many years he had worked as a healer's assistant, always waving him in with a smile.

She had also helped him in his mastery of the violin, which was something I looked back on fondly.

Greahd's wariness vanished beneath a smile once she saw who was at her door. "Ah, Wade! I didn't expect you today! It's nice to see you!" She looked past him, spotting me. Her eyes widened and she gasped, holding a hand to her mouth. "Oh, Toren! I didn't know if you were okay!"

She looked outside the door, peering either way. "Come on in, both of you! I wasn't prepared for guests this late, but I'll do my best."

I shuffled in awkwardly after Wade, feeling a bit disconcerted by the meeting. Greahd shut the door behind us, locking it with a rickety deadbolt.

"It's good to see you again, Greahd," I said, peering over her apartment. It was an organized mess, with items laid in haphazard groups around. "I've missed my work at the Healer's Guild."

The Healer's Guild was from a time when everything was simple for Toren, before his world turned upside down. For all the gritty things he had to see healing people, it was a fulfilling time of his life.

"It's nice to hear you say so, young man," she said, returning the knife she held to her sleeve. "After you vanished, everybody was worried that Blood Joan had gotten to you, but they came by to ask about you every now and then, so I had hope." The older woman smiled demurely, looking over at Wade. "I asked my old friend Karsien if he could keep an eye out for you and keep you safe if he could. The man can be harsh, but I know he's got a heart of gold." The woman said. 

I looked over to Wade, who was pointedly ignoring my gaze. "Uh, just keep an eye out?" I asked, a bit uncomfortable.

"Of course," she said, not noticing my emphasis. "The Joans will eventually leave you alone. They're horrible men, Toren, but they'll get tired and move on to whatever new trend there is," Greahd said, oblivious to my growing discomfort. "That's what lords do."

She doesn't know I joined the crew , I realized. Karsien hadn't just 'kept an eye on me.' He'd actively gone out of his way to recruit me. And after my interference with their expedition, Blood Joan couldn't ever afford to leave me alone.

"Well, it's a bit more complicated than that," I said. I hadn't interacted with anybody from Toren's old life extensively, but I felt a bit of unexpected shame welling up. This woman thought I was going to just lie low and then go back to working at the Healer's Guild. Instead, I was going to be a thief. That was very different from a healer. "How do you know Karsien? Are you a part of his crew?" I asked.

The woman gestured for me to sit in a nearby chair. "I knew him when he was just a boy," Greahd said, moving to a nearby kitchen. "Before he got those dreams of being an ascender and ran off," she added. She looked suddenly somber. "Just like you and Norgan, I suppose." I held my eyes shut. I was avoiding thinking of my brother too much, I knew. It wasn't healthy. "But I've got an instiller's rune. Every now and then I'll use it for him and his friends," she continued. "Would either of you like tea?"

"No thank you," I replied. Wade declined as well, leaving the woman somewhat unsure.

"Maybe one day I'll be an ascender still," I said, remembering my brother and my dream. It tasted like ashes in my mouth. "You said Karsien was an ascender?" I said, wishing to learn more about my leader-to-be.

"He got a few runes when he was a teen," Greahd said, settling down in her own seat. In her hands was a steaming cup of tea. "Then set off to fulfill every lad's dream of earning glory in the Relictombs. Then, about a year ago, he came back to us."

"He grew up in East Fiachra?" I asked, a bit surprised.

"That he did," Greahd said, sipping her tea. The woman was a bit fidgety, but she managed to quell that now. She furrowed her brow. "I wish he wouldn't do the things he currently does," she said, looking sad. "It's not good to steal. That brings the wrong sort of attention to the folks around here," she finished.

"The man uses his power for the good of the people here," Wade argued, fixing his glasses. "Nobody else does. The other gangs around only fight for themselves, leaving the common person here broken and dead. What he does is good."

Greahd clenched her teacup a bit harder. "There's got to be a better way to help," she said. "But I can't stop him."

"You don't approve of what he does, but you just said you help him with your instiller powers," I asked, confused. "Doesn't that enable him?"

"If he won't stop," Greahd said, tucking a lock of hair behind her ear, "I'll do what I can to keep him alive. He was a good boy when he was young."

Our little chat continued on in more demure topics of conversation for a little while more. It felt relieving in a way to speak with somebody I used to know, who had shared many an experience. I even spotted Greahd's lute in the corner, the same instrument she had used to demonstrate some of her music for me once. At the recollection, the older woman had smiled lightly, asking if I still had my nice violin.

I didn't have the heart to tell her I'd left it behind.

A while later, I left the apartment with Wade. Talking with Greahd relieved some stress I didn't know existed. It had been so long since I had had a conversation with somebody so relaxed.

But as we meandered in the general direction of the Cistern, a growing tension built in me.

"She doesn't know I'm actually one of the Rats now," I said, breaching the topic. "She thinks I'm simply under your and Karsien's protection," I said, side-eying my companion.

Wade sighed. "You never actually told her you were one of us," he replied. "There's no reason for her to think otherwise." But from the way he kept his eyes forward, I knew there was something to this.

"Except it's easy to guess I joined," I countered. "She never seemed to even consider the idea."

A beat of silence followed. "Greahd told Karsien very explicitly to not try and invite you to the crew," he finally admitted. "She wanted you to be protected, not drawn into his business. She's a kind woman, far too good for this place."

Greahd didn't want to think I was part of the Rats, so she completely ignored the signs that I was.

I observed the skyline. The sun had set, and it would be dark before long. "I promised somebody that I wouldn't take vengeance on the Joans," I said, a bit of shame keeping me from looking back at the building we had left. "And that promise is already practically broken."

I wondered what she would think of me if she knew I had sworn that on the Vritra. Would she be disappointed, as she was in Karsien? Or would she be hurt that I lied to her?

"I don't think that's a promise that could've been kept," Wade said. "Not with a brother dead."

He's right, I thought, using that understanding to quash the shame. Would I be able to live with myself if I let the Joans go? If they were allowed to just… carry on after taking my brother from me?

Maybe if I was a better man.

—

Lady Dawn assisted me with my assimilation later that night, helping mana seep into my muscles and bones. It was getting easier and easier to do, my own control drifting closer to that of the phoenix's guiding hand day by day. I was still a millennium away from reaching her level of control, but I was exponentially better than when I first started.

I was sitting on my new bed in the Cistern, alone with my thoughts. Wade was in the main room, doing some sort of planning on the map. I didn't know where everybody else was. My earlier meeting with Greahd repeated in my head.

"Why did you agree to help me?" I asked abruptly, my concentration breaking. I still couldn't really make sense of why the asura decided to be my Bond and Will. Greahd helped Karsien, even when she didn't agree with what he was doing. But I had never asked my Bond why she assisted me, and she rarely ever interfered with my actions. It didn't make sense to me. "For all you knew, I was one of Agrona's pawns. I don't get it."

"You've proven yourself genuine," Lady Dawn replied. "We would be unable to Bond if you bore me ill will," she deflected.

But before that, I thought, Before, I had said things only Agrona might know at this stage. She should've smitten me on the spot.

Lady Dawn seemed to sense my questions. "I was… not whole when we made our pact," the phoenix said at last. "My emotions were erratic and my mind a blur. So soon after my spell, I had not fully regained my own sense of self. But despite this, I could discern a core truth about you."

I turned to the phantom, something in her words compelling me.

"Your desire for vengeance was as pure as any fire," she said in a low voice. "It was separate from the High Sovereign. Emotion such as that is outside his understanding. He is not capable of such unfiltered feeling. "

My mouth felt dry. "I've made very few promises since coming to this world," I said, feeling bitter. "And I've broken many of them already. I don't want to break any more."

I had promised Greahd I'd avoid taking vengeance on the Joans. I had sworn an oath to the Vritra for the same to Trelza. And I promised the Joans bloody vengeance but had yet to fulfill it.

I didn't regret breaking those oaths. The Vritra were closer to demons than gods, and any oaths I swore on their name would be curses. But my word meant a great deal to me, and I could imagine the disappointment of those from Toren's life seeing what I was doing.

And I had promised Lady Dawn I would stop the reincarnation of the Legacy.

"Once upon a time, you mentioned that my plans for you must have gone awry," Lady Dawn said, drawing my attention. "You were correct, Contractor. In truth, your survival was unprecedented. I did not expect your soul to last the journey, simply carry my own to its destination."

"What do you mean?" I asked, confused.

Lady Dawn considered for a moment. "Souls linger for a short while after the death of the body, then drift to the Beyond. Yours, Contractor, resisted the pull of the Beyond longer than I expected. Instead of dissipating after the spell was completed, yours anchored itself in another host. One that was suitable for it," she said. "This Vessel would not keep my soul contained long. I would drift off to the Aether once my task was finished. But you inadvertently provided me something I did not have for a long, long time. A choice for my future."

I swallowed, taken aback by the emotion in her words. I looked at my hands.

She doesn't expect me to succeed, I realized. She simply relished being able to act.

I didn't know what to feel about that. She didn't expect me to actually follow through on my Pact. She didn't believe I'd manage it. That hurt in a way I didn't expect.

I remembered the words she told me when we first made our contract. ' I shall hold you to your word,'  she'd said. 'I will hold to mine.'

All this talk of my reincarnation pulled questions to the fore. About how I was here in the first place. How I looked like I did in my previous life. Why Norgan looked like my brother from Earth.

And why Toren and I felt so mutually devastated over Norgan, despite him being an objectively different person than any person I knew.

And as I looked into Lady Dawn's eyes, I realized that she might answer. She waited there, her translucent form stiff with expectation. She knelt on the bed, her hands crossed steadily over the lap of her sundress. She met my gaze with a note of hesitation.

"You spoke of choice," I said instead. "But you haven't tried to influence my own. Why do you let me act so freely?" I questioned. The only times the phoenix truly commanded me was during my training in the Clarwood Forest. Outside of that, she hadn't spoken her opinion on much at all. "I don't think you agree with every choice I've made."

Lady Dawn's posture relaxed. Was that relief? I questioned myself, noting the change. You're a coward, I chastised myself, recognizing the chance to question the circumstances of my reincarnation was past.

"Many of your decisions have been shortsighted and rash, perhaps bordering on lunacy," Lady Dawn said bluntly. Ouch. "But despite the depths of our Bond, I have no right to impose my will over yours. Your choices are your own."

I looked around my room, which would be my base of operations for the foreseeable future. My walk through the destitute streets called back to me. I still had so much to learn.

"Could you advise me from now on?" I asked sincerely. "I'm not sure of half the choices I've made myself, either. It would be nice to have a second opinion, from a viewpoint that isn't so… small." A small firelight popped into existence over my palm, dancing in tune with my mana flow. "There are so few people I can trust in this new world. I'd like to trust you."

Lady Dawn looked surprised by my request. "Very well," she said at last, watching the firelight with me. "You shall have my council."