Demesne

As promised, Binder Lori—accompanied by Auntie Riz, Auntie Mekari, Auntie Brabli, Auntie Vapoli, and Auntie Sintelerra—set off for River's Fork after breakfast the next day. The Great Binder had on her usual expression of distaste and resignation that she usually did whenever she knew she had to leave the boundaries of her demesne as the boat moved away from the docks.

The Coldhold wouldn't be able to follow until much later.

Despite the preparations Shana had made the children do the day before, they still had to wrap up bedrolls, fold blankets and awkwardly try to find a way to carry pillows. In the midst of all this, they had visitors saying good bye—which wasn't so bad, even if they delayed proceedings—or visitors inviting the children to play because they obviously weren't leaving yet so they had time, which Shana had to be watchful for, otherwise they might not be leaving that day. Someone tried to bring along the bound tool that moved the air, and Shana had to quickly but firmly insist that it had to stay behind. She had to repeat this four times, and eventually had to carry it around with her so that it wouldn't be unattended.

Getting everyone to the Coldhold took time and the combined efforts of herself, Koyan and Kayas all herding the children to make sure none wandered off between her house and the ship. Along the way, the children of Lorian Demesne said their goodbyes, and for some reason several bade Shana goodbye as well, which was very confusing. Fortunately, there was help to be had when they reached the docks. Lord Rian was there, ready to operate the ship as he had promised the night before.

"All right everyone," he announced cheerfully, a big smile on his face. "Let's bring all your stuff below decks! You all want to get back home to see your par—"

…

…

…

…

…

"—asha? Shasha?"

Shana blinked, and found herself coming back to her senses as the disruptive emotions receded. Yoshka was mashing her cheek so intently it was almost painful and Shana found that she'd stopped moving in the middle of the stone dock. It was painfully hot under her feet, even through her reed tsinelas. "Ah, thank you, Yoshka."

Her cousin was staring up at her with a concerned expression, and some of the children were looking at her curiously. Lord Rian… he was giving her the same look he always did whenever he saw this happen to her. Resigned and tired and helpless and guilty.

"You're crying, Shasha," Yoshka said.

She was—? Ah. Shana felt the tears. Yoshka's hand was smearing them. "I'm fine, Yoshka. I just thought of something sad for a moment."

Yoshka stared up at her, and suddenly the small hand wasn't touching her face anymore. Shana swayed back slightly as Yoshka suddenly hugged her. She awkwardly patted her cousin on the back.

Out of the corner of her eye, she saw Lord Rian let out a small sigh and shake his head. "Let's get moving, everyone. If we hurry, we'll get to River's Fork before lunch."

With Lord Rian's assistance, they were able to get all the children's belongings into the Coldhold's lower deck. The belongings… well, they were all dumped into a big pile, but there would be time to sort through it on the journey, since most of the children would be below decks away from the sun, and they'd have little else to do. By now everyone knew better than to run around, after all.

…

Despite this, she was fairly certain the children would try running around.

Unlike when the Coldhold left for a long time, there wasn't as much time spent saying goodbyes on the docks. Even if the summer finally seemed to be cooling, it was still hot, and the stone under their feet was felt like fire. After one last goodbye, the children of Lorian took off their shirts, girded their skirts, and dived into the water, and Shana had to stop the children in her care from doing the same, lest they lose even more time. She had to relent and allow them to pour water on themselves using one of the Coldhold's ladles to cool off, but after that it was onto the ship so they could set off, handing the bound tool to Koyan so that she and Kayas could take it back to her house just before Shana stepped on the boat as the last aboard. The children in the water swam back and waved goodbye at them, and the children under her care—they were still under her care until she could get them to River's Fork—waved back as Lord Rian guided the Coldhold backwards out into the river.

––––––––––––––––––

"You were out for longer than usual back there," Lord Rian said as Shana sat near him. Her hair dripped water down her back, keeping her relatively cool against the heat. "Are you… well, are you as right as you usually are?"

Down below, the children were going through the messy pile they had made, trying to sort it out again. Between that and the Coldhold's own bound tool that generated a breeze, they were mostly staying put. Shana had stepped out to give them room, since she didn't have anything to sort through, and she had made sure to set Yoshka's things neatly to one side.

"No," Shana said immediately. "I'm not."

Lord Rian nodded, glancing to either shore to ascertain where they were. "Is there anything I can do to help?"

Shana nearly demurred, but paused. "I could use some advice of a matter that is occupying my attention, if you are willing."

"Well, of course. I'm a lord. Giving advice to Dungeon Binders is part of the job." He paused. "I can't guarantee it won't be bad advice, though."

Shana nodded. "That is acceptable." She took a moment to consider the phrasing of her question. It wouldn't do not to hear the answer, after all. "How do you deal with someone no longer being… present?"

He was silent for several moments. "I try not to think about them," he said quietly. "Get on with my life. Accept that either attempt is doomed to failure. Do it anyway because they wouldn't have wanted me to just collapse, feeling sorry for myself. Occasionally collapse, feeling sorry for myself." He shrugged. "Basically everything you're already doing."

It was Shana's turn to be quiet. "I have never seen you collapse."

"Ah, but that's because I pick my moments," Lord Rian said in a cheerfully tone. He was clearly building up to a joke. "After all, I can't do it all the time. I'm a lord, I have responsibilities. People to help, things to inspect, Dungeon Binders to advise… the trick is to set aside a regular part of the day to collapse into a ball of sadness, woe, tears, and self-pity. The end of the day is best, since you're going to go to sleep soon, which will let you recover. Just spend a little time each day letting yourself wallow in your grief." By the end, his voice had turned melancholy. "And now you know why you've never seen it."

"That is painful," Shana said sharply, shuddering and repulsed at the very thought. "Why would you do such a thing?"

A small smile appeared on Lord Rian's lips, a lopsided, twisted thing. "Because, Shana… the thing about pain is that if you feel it for long enough… it starts hurting less. When you stub your toe, it feels like you want to cut it off to make the feeling go away—never mind how that will actually hurt even worse—but if you give it a little while, it becomes just a throb."

That…

"And how long before it stops?" she asked quietly.

"Well, I'm coming on seven years now, so… ask me in another seven years." He paused. "Sorry. Lori never asks about this sort of thing, so I'm a bit out of practice in giving advice."

Seven years… her insides felt like they were writhing in her chest and clenching around her heart…

"I believe I should be more specific regarding the advice I am seeking," Shana found herself saying.

"That's usually best. Makes it less likely for me to give bad advice," Lord Rian said brightly.

"Thank you, Lord Rian." Lord Rian's head slumped down. "Why do people sometimes act in complete opposition to the goals they clearly wanted to achieve?"

"Are you changing the uncomfortably painful subject?"

"Yes."

"Then speaking purely in hypotheticals and not naming names, the short answer is because sometimes people are idiots and aren't thinking clearly," Rian said. "The long answer depends on what a person wants to happen and what they're doing or not doing to achieve it. Or not achieve it, as the case may be. The simplest answer, however, is usually because there's a matter of pride involved. People tend to do very contradictory, occasionally self-destructive things to protect their pride, even if they don't consciously see it as a goal."

"I… see. What can be done about it?"

"Not a lot, unfortunately. If someone isn't thinking clearly, there's very little you can do to make them. You can point out the flaws in their logic, but unless they're willing to rethink what they're doing, they're unlikely to. That connects to the pride issue. It's usually pride that makes people unwilling to change or rethink their decisions…"

––––––––––––––––––

They arrived during lunch.

Normally, or so Lord Rian said, this would mean that there would be no one in sight as they approached the docks, as everyone would be eating. And indeed, through her connection to the demesne's core Shana could feel the concentrations of life that she knew to be people were all congregated at the dining pavilion. However, she could also perceive someone who had been at the edge of the dome, and who had begun moving towards the pavilion when the Coldhold had come into sight. By the time they were approaching the dock, a crowd of people had appeared to welcome them. Shana knew them all, of course.

They were the parents of the children she was bringing back.

It was all she could do to keep the children from simply jumping into the water or running onto the dock as soon as the Coldhold's outrigger ramp drew close to the platform. She was careful to stay far from the railings at the edges of the ship, lest she have an episode of '… … …' and accidentally be pushed into the water. The envy of seeing the children running to their parents had been a painful constriction in previous instances but not enough to overwhelm her.

After the recent change, however, it probably wasn't a good idea to take chances. While she knew that the children would never intentionally harm her, in their excitement they might be a bit thoughtless, and it wouldn't take much force to accidentally push her into the river. Registering outside impetus would be delayed, but her body's functions would still continue, so there was a very real possibility that if she fell into the water in that state she wouldn't know to hold her breath. The pain from water in her nose and lungs might send her back to her senses, but getting out of the water afterwards…

No, best not to risk it.

And so, while all the children went to greet their parents, speaking excitedly about… well, she couldn't really hear since she was too far away, Shana went down to retrieve Yoshka's pack containing clothes, her pillow, and her blanket. Lord Rian was gone, not doubt on his way to meet with the Great Binder or speak with Unc—Lord Yllian to fill the Coldhold with fruit to bring back to Lorian Demesne. Master Cottsy had moved to sit in front of the bound tool's breeze, and nodded respectfully towards Shana when she came down. She answered with her own acknowledgement before she collected her cousin's effects.

It took a few moments to find Yoshka again. She was off to the side, being lifted up by dyadya, who was smiling in a way Shana hadn't seen since…

…

…

…

Her left arm rose and slapped her cheek hard, and she picked up her flow of thought where it had fallen. Dyadya and mushka hadn't smiled like that in Shana's presence for a long time as Yoshka reached towards cousin Verik.

She took a deep breath and turned to put Yoshka's things on one of the benches of the cabin in the middle of the ship. She still needed to organize having the children retrieve their things from the hold. Only then would her responsibility be discharged.

Only then would the children no longer be under her care.

And then—petulant child—she would be all alo—

…

…

…