Delusive Fate

#102

The decisive reason why Choi Tae-hyuk came to think of Lee Han-sol like Ppomi was because of the drinking session that happened that day. It was the day Ppomi was discharged from the hospital after being admitted for a leg fracture.

In fact, Choi Tae-hyuk was surprised that Lee Han-sol actually came to visit almost every day in response to his polite invitation. He was bewildered when Lee Han-sol boldly asked for the door lock password and even more astonished when Lee Han-sol actually used it to enter. Of course, both were negative surprises.

Moreover, what was Lee Han-sol like from what he had observed so far? Except for his appearance, from his clothes to his expressions and way of speaking… in short, from head to toe, he seemed like a person who wasn’t in his right mind. Choi Tae-hyuk doesn’t usually categorize people by specific criteria, but if there was one standard he used to evaluate people, it was whether they would be ‘safe’ or ‘unsafe’ to be around. And Lee Han-sol, who deviated from the normal range, was naturally classified as the latter. Choi Tae-hyuk concluded that he shouldn’t leave Ppomi alone with him, and now that Ppomi was discharged, he decided to muster up the courage.

‘I should tell him that coming every day is burdensome and ask him to come only once a week. It’s a bit scary, but I must do it for Ppomi. I’m Ppomi’s dad after all.’

Still, since he wasn’t picking a fight with an innocent person, surely he wouldn’t suddenly get angry and lash out at such a request…?

On the way back from the animal hospital, which was a 30-minute round trip, Choi Tae-hyuk, who had lived a life without many ups and downs, firmly made a resolution for the first time in his life.

However, when he approached his house with determined steps, what he encountered was the back view of Lee Han-sol running off somewhere. Although they hadn’t known each other for long, Choi Tae-hyuk immediately recognized him, as Lee Han-sol was probably the only one in this area who would be walking around so thinly dressed in this cold weather.

“Hey, Han-sol!”

Choi Tae-hyuk reflexively called out his name, but Lee Han-sol’s complexion didn’t look good when he turned around. Even from a distance, that much was clear.

“Are you feeling unwell? Are you sick?”

Choi Tae-hyuk, carrying Ppomi’s cage, quickly approached and examined Lee Han-sol, who had stopped still. His already pale face had turned almost paper-white. Only the tip of his nose, around his eyes, and his earlobes were flushed red from the cold air, making him look as if he had been crying. Seeing that face shaking side to side, Choi Tae-hyuk instinctively grabbed his arm. There was no specific purpose; it was similar to the animal instinct of reflexively reaching out to support something that’s about to collapse right in front of you.

Choi Tae-hyuk was startled to find that Lee Han-sol’s arm in his hand felt as cold as a corpse, so he hurriedly put down Ppomi’s cage. He immediately took off his coat and wrapped it around Lee Han-sol’s body, postponing what he had resolved to say, and led him home. Despite keeping his mouth shut, Lee Han-sol obediently followed.

“Han-sol, did something happen in the meantime?”

“Just a bit annoyed…”

“Was there something uncomfortable at my house? Why were you annoyed? And why do you always walk around so thinly dressed in this cold weather? You’ll catch a cold and feel miserable.”

“Your name…?”

“My name? I’m Tae-hyun… Oh, this? This is Ppomi. She was hospitalized for her leg. She was sulking when we left the hospital, but she seems to be in a good mood now that she sees you. I think she likes you.”

Lee Han-sol hugged Ppomi, who was wagging her tail enthusiastically at him, and stroked her, but didn’t properly answer Choi Tae-hyuk’s questions. In fact, Lee Han-sol had been like this yesterday and the day before, but perhaps because of the precarious and unstable appearance he had just seen, Choi Tae-hyuk felt newly perplexed by him. Moreover, even Ppomi the dog was desperate to lick Lee Han-sol, making Choi Tae-hyuk think, “Even the dog likes him so much, could he actually be a good person?” Choi Tae-hyuk, not knowing what to do, just smiled awkwardly, then suddenly spoke impulsively.

“We’re having a party later, and I’d like to invite you. It’s a party to celebrate Ppomi’s discharge. So, could you cheer up?”

I’ll make something delicious. Is there anything you’d like to eat?

***

The unplanned party to celebrate Ppomi’s discharge turned into just a drinking party for two humans. What Choi Tae-hyuk had wanted was to create an intimate atmosphere with good wine and have a sincere conversation, but the situation changed when Lee Han-sol suddenly started chugging wine straight from the bottle.

After aggressively eating the Western-style snacks Choi Tae-hyuk had prepared, Lee Han-sol downed the high-quality vintage wine like soju and then started growling for more alcohol. Ppomi, sitting next to Lee Han-sol, barked in agreement. With two white faces with only black eyes growling at him, Choi Tae-hyuk was overwhelmed by the intensity and opened the wine cellar. Lee Han-sol quickly became completely drunk after gulping down the sweet dessert wine Choi Tae-hyuk had newly brought out.

“Han-sol…!”

With a thud, Lee Han-sol’s forehead hit the wooden table. The sound was so loud, it was almost like a bomb explosion, causing Choi Tae-hyuk to turn pale and jump up from his seat.

“Han-sol, are you okay? Is your head alright? Please don’t die, please don’t die…!”

As Choi Tae-hyuk held Lee Han-sol’s motionless face and examined it, Lee Han-sol slowly opened his eyes.

“Are you okay? Are you not dizzy? I heard your forehead crack! Do you have any memory loss or…!”

“Kimchi stew…”

“What?”

“I want to eat kimchi stew…”

Choi Tae-hyuk, who was kneeling on one knee on the floor examining Lee Han-sol, looked puzzled at his sudden statement.

“You want to eat kimchi stew?”

Lee Han-sol nodded twice without answering. Choi Tae-hyuk was about to say, “Okay, I’ll make it for you,” but then he suddenly realized how pretty the face was in his hands, even with a swollen red forehead, and felt a bit flustered. Lee Han-sol’s eyes, unfocused from the alcohol, were staring intently at Choi Tae-hyuk, creating a moment of silence as he couldn’t figure out what to do with his hands holding Lee Han-sol’s cheeks. And then Lee Han-sol started crying.

“Han-sol, uh, Han-sol?”

“What should I do…? Please save me…”

Tears poured down like a sudden downpour. Is it because his eyes are so big? Can someone suddenly cry like this? Choi Tae-hyuk became even more flustered, not knowing what to do.

“Why? Why are you crying? Should I make kimchi stew, should I go make kimchi stew?”

“I can’t do anything… What should I do… I want to die… I don’t want to die…”

Lee Han-sol whimpered like a kicked puppy.

“I, I, um, I hate traitors… I tried to hate, I said I would never forgive… As much as me, I told them to die as much as me, um, I said I would consider if they did…”

The words came out with difficulty, as if being squeezed out. Choi Tae-hyuk broke out in a cold sweat, suddenly feeling unreasonably sorry for Lee Han-sol, whose eyes, nose, and mouth were all red as he groaned. He couldn’t even respond properly because he didn’t understand what Lee Han-sol was saying, and he felt sad along with him because he felt so sorry about it. Lee Han-sol barely lifted his eyelashes, which looked heavy with tears, and asked almost as if in pain.

“But what should I do if they say he died without me knowing?”

I hate him. I hate everything. I’m trash. He doesn’t like me. He says he hates me. But they say it’s all a lie. I was really struggling. I died so many times trying to forget. I finally got okay. But if that’s fake, if he had no choice, then is it my fault for forgetting? I didn’t even see him die. But if they say he died, am I bad? What should I do? Should I forgive? But what should I forgive? Tell me….

Tell me…. Tell me, tell me…. Being alone is really awful… Why can’t I even do that. My thoughts won’t stop, I keep thinking about him… I feel like I’m going to go to him, like I’m going to give up everything… Please, I don’t want to do that, I wish no one was happy… What should I do? How should I do it? No one tells me, everyone hates me… I don’t have any friends, everyone hates me… I’m a terrible bastard… Can’t you just tell me? Please….

Lee Han-sol sobbed unintelligibly. His small face was soaked as if he had been dunked in water. Choi Tae-hyuk could tell that something terrible had happened to this man. Like Ppomi who had been wandering the streets alone, he felt that Lee Han-sol was a person who was too lonely and in need of help. Choi Tae-hyuk was overwhelmed by a sense of responsibility, just like when he had decided to bring Ppomi home.

Choi Tae-hyuk, who had been trying to wipe away Lee Han-sol’s tears, finally hugged him and patted his back. Then Lee Han-sol began to wail loudly.

“I don’t even know what to do when I’m alone. I’m an idiot, you know? Say no.”

Waaaaaah I wish Ki Baek-woo would disappear waaaaaah I just want to disappear waaaaaah I was alone again today and suddenly that bastard came to mind waaaaaah he’s begging me to forgive him but I hate that waaaaaah I hate feeling sorry for him aren’t I the most pitiful one? Why should I do that, waaaaaah I hate you too I wish you’d just die right away who are you to tell me what to do waaaaaah who are you waaaaaah

Lee Han-sol cried like that until he was completely exhausted. He seemed to have said “I wish you’d all die” about a thousand times.

From that moment on, Choi Tae-hyuk couldn’t get the image of Lee Han-sol’s tear-swollen face out of his mind. No matter what inconsiderate things Lee Han-sol did the next day when he returned to normal, Choi Tae-hyuk found himself doing this and that for him with utmost care.

Because he said he hated being alone, Choi Tae-hyuk stayed with him, and because he said he hated thinking, he kept putting things in Lee Han-sol’s hands to keep him from having time to think. Every time Choi Tae-hyuk handed him something new – model kits, wool felt, knitting sets – Lee Han-sol would grimace and grit his teeth, but eventually concentrate hard on the task. The more Lee Han-sol seemed like someone who really wanted to distract his mind with anything, the more Choi Tae-hyuk’s heart fluttered. It was at a level he couldn’t tell if it was sympathy or something else.

Choi Tae-hyuk really wanted to treat him well. Lee Han-sol was human, and although most of what he had mumbled when drunk last time was too slurred to understand, Choi Tae-hyuk wanted to make him happy like Ppomi, no matter what.

That’s why he was extremely perplexed right now.

“Looks like you have a talent for attracting trash. After turning one human into a complete idiot, now you’re our hyung? You’re really great at not knowing your place, aren’t you, C-grade?”

He was almost dizzy, not knowing how to handle the situation where his lovely younger brother, Choi Tae-hyuk, had suddenly barged in and was hurling abuse at Lee Han-sol.