Delusive Fate

#031

It’s okay. He’s drunk, so it can’t be helped. If he doesn’t recognize me, I’ll just tell him who I am.

Pretending not to notice my hurt feelings, I raised my head. I immediately made eye contact with Ki Baek-woo, whose gaze was persistently fixed on me even though he couldn’t recognize me.

“Who else would I be? I’m…”

For a moment, I wondered what would happen if I answered that I was Jung Yi-dam.

Ah,

What am I thinking right now?

Startled by the sudden impulse, I avoided Ki Baek-woo’s eyes. I hurriedly changed the subject.

“I’m… Han-sol. Lee Han-sol. Baek-woo, you must be tired, let’s go inside quickly. Take off your shoes first.”

“Lee Han-sol?”

“Yes, Lee Han-sol. Are you so drunk you can’t think straight? Why did you drink so much?”

“Lee Han-sol. Lee Han-sol, I’ve heard that name. I do know Lee Han-sol, because of Lee Han-sol I…”

Because of Lee Han-sol, what? Why did you what because of me? The questions only swirled inside me. I would never ask such things. Questions and problems end completely the moment you learn the answer.

Pretending not to hear, I carefully leaned the swaying Ki Baek-woo against the built-in shoe rack. Then I quickly crouched down and grasped his ankle and the back of his shoe. I struggled to remove his shoes.

“Ki Baek-woo, lift your foot a bit. We need to take off your shoes to go in. You’re really drunk. Let’s go lie down quickly, okay?”

Far from cooperating, Ki Baek-woo stubbornly stiffened his leg and resisted. Just as I was about to plead, “Let’s go in, okay?” I felt a strong pull on my arm.

Before I knew it, Ki Baek-woo’s half-closed eyes were right in front of me.

“What, what are you doing? I said let’s take off your shoes…”

“Who are you?”

“What? How can you be this drunk? You forgot me, and you even forgot what I just told you…”

If you’re going to forget, can’t you forget Jung Yi-dam too?

I muttered secretly to myself, then breathed faintly, feeling ashamed. I lowered my eyes, not wanting my true feelings to be exposed. Then I realized it had been a really long time since we’d been this close, face to face. I felt happy yet depressed, upset yet relieved. I couldn’t understand myself.

Is that why Baek-woo can’t recognize who I am?

As I stared blankly at Ki Baek-woo’s sneakers that I wanted to quickly remove, a pair of large hands suddenly approached. Ki Baek-woo’s two hands roughly cupped my face. His palms were hot from the alcohol and dry without moisture.

“…What are you? Why do you look like this?”

Ki Baek-woo’s face, with one eye squinted, came close. An intimately close distance that made me tense.

“Why, why… you, what…”

My heart started pounding loudly. It was beating so fast it made me anxious. I stammered like an idiot, breathless.

Ki Baek-woo, not caring about any of that, slowly and meticulously examined every corner of my face with the characteristic slow pace of a drunk person. His observing gaze was both hazy and intense. Something seemed to be slowly rippling… like the desire for me I often saw in the past…

No. Don’t misunderstand. Don’t think anything. Lee Han-sol, stop it.

Then Ki Baek-woo quietly sighed, “What is this…” He twisted his jaw as if he didn’t understand, closing his eyes tightly and then opening them again. He looked at me once more.

“Why do you look like this?”

“Huh?”

“How can this be…”

Ki Baek-woo’s eyes, defenseless against the alcohol, were red. He mumbled almost inaudibly.

“You’re pretty… Whew, really pretty… What I like… What I like is… Ah.”

“Baek-woo…? Are you okay right now…?”

“Why do you look like this… Hey, who are you…?”

Ki Baek-woo, who had been whispering so quietly it was hard to hear, suddenly dropped his head as if it was difficult to hold it up. His hot forehead pressed against mine. I froze with my eyes wide open, while Ki Baek-woo closed his eyes tightly again as if trying to endure something. A tension that felt like it could burst at any moment flowed between us. Even in this precarious moment, Ki Baek-woo’s hands cupping both my cheeks showed no sign of retreating. I barely managed to breathe. Is this a dream?

Did I fall asleep while waiting for Baek-woo? Why is Baek-woo acting like this? He didn’t even want to touch me lately, so why…?

Is this a dream?

And then it happened.

“Baek-woo, ah!”

Without warning, I was grabbed by the collar and pulled. The hot hands that had been cupping my cheeks fell away, and that warmth immediately enveloped the back of my head, pulling strongly. Before I could grasp what was happening, a hot mass of alcohol scent rushed into my mouth.

“Mmph, mmm, mmph…!”

Startled for a moment, I hit Ki Baek-woo’s shoulders repeatedly as he persistently pulled me. The slippery thing that had been pushing its way between my lips suddenly withdrew, and Ki Baek-woo gripped the nape of my neck as if he would never let me go. Ki Baek-woo’s eyes, staring directly at my face, were just like in the old days… desiring me like in the old days. It was a gaze that felt sexual desire for me.

Is this a dream?

“Huff, hah… Baek-woo, what are you suddenly… You, do you know who I am…!”

Ki Baek-woo replied in a low, dreamy voice.

“What’s wrong, let’s continue.”

“You… Are you doing this because you’re drunk?”

“What’s wrong, just… let’s do it. It’s your fault for being in front of me with that face…”

You appeared in my dreams first, you know.

Ki Baek-woo murmured something incomprehensible while skillfully caressing my side. His blatant hands and arms persistently wrapped around my waist. Is this reality? I was genuinely confused.

I appeared in your dreams? Did you miss me too? Baek-woo, is this real?

You’re not lying this time, are you?

My mind went completely blank. I was receiving something like a divine revelation. Like a holy moment when one feels God and stigmata are engraved, all thoughts as myself were erased, and only the Ki Baek-woo before my eyes was clearly imprinted on my blank mind.

‘You appeared in my dreams first, you know. Let’s do it, shall we… okay?’

Those words sounded like the words of a cruel yet merciful god finally lifting a trial. I just nodded stupidly.

Ki Baek-woo smiled gently with a defenseless, relaxed face.

He smiled.

Baek-woo.

At me.

Thump, thump, my heart that had been beating low suddenly started racing, thump! thump! thump! thump! as if it would break me, fast and overwhelming. An intense emotion instantly filled me from head to toe. It was such a tremendous sense of relief that I felt I could die right then and it would be okay.

Ah, finally everything has returned to normal.

My Ki Baek-woo… you finally.

The light given only to me by God, so that I wouldn’t lose my way…

Unable to cry or laugh, I gasped, then lunged at Ki Baek-woo who was gazing at me intently from a nose-to-nose distance. As if pouring out my everything, as if bursting all the sadness, fear, and longing that had built up inside me, I devoured Ki Baek-woo’s lips. Ki Baek-woo responded by pulling my waist and the back of my head even more strongly.

“Mmm, hnn…!”

Desperately clinging to Ki Baek-woo’s shoulders, I licked and sucked his lips. Ki Baek-woo’s plump, warm, and soft lips. This is what I had missed. While seeing the eyewitness accounts of Ki Baek-woo and Jung Yi-dam’s kisses that others were gossiping about, I kept recalling this. The texture, shape, and warmth of Ki Baek-woo’s lips that used to touch mine at any time before this happened…. I kept consuming that memory, comforting myself and numbing my despair. I endured in past hallucinations. And sometimes I got scared.

What if I use up all these memories, and when the past I’ve collected becomes empty? What if Ki Baek-woo doesn’t kiss me again until then? If he doesn’t come to me until then, and keeps being cold, what should I do…

But look at this. See, Ki Baek-woo does come to me after all. He’s offering his lips to me again like this. The noise made by people who don’t know anything is indeed all nonsense. We can only be us forever. Ah yes, this is what I missed so much.

Ki Baek-woo’s sweet, sexy lips that persistently cling to me.

I pressed and licked the tender lips with my tongue, then sucked them in as if to swallow them. A sound like sucking candy was heard. Even though the lips only smelled of alcohol, I clearly tasted sweetness and became impatient.

“Mmm.”

I pulled away from Ki Baek-woo’s lips for just a moment, then pressed and rubbed my lips against his moistened ones. Ki Baek-woo’s even teeth parted as if they had been waiting. I hastily pushed my tongue inside. Ki Baek-woo’s tongue tickled the underside of my deeply inserted tongue. Soon they became fiercely entangled.

The inside of our mouths was filled with the sticky sound of saliva mixing. Chu-up, tsu-eup…. Like beasts starved for days, Ki Baek-woo and I willingly drank each other’s saliva and rubbed our slippery tongues together.

The moist and soft tongue. The act of entrusting and mixing such a soft, tender, and easily hurt weak part with each other made me desperately hungry. I hugged Ki Baek-woo’s straight neck that had become hot, then cupped his cheeks with both hands in desperation, constantly whimpering as I couldn’t control my yearning heart.

Lukewarm saliva flowed messily through the momentarily parting lips and between the widely opened corners of our mouths. We didn’t care about such things. We continued to greedily explore each other’s mouths, licking up the sticky substance flowing down our chins. I could lick Ki Baek-woo’s perfect jawline like a dog all day long. No, I wanted to do it anytime. What mattered wasn’t something like dignity.

The most important thing in the world right now was the fact that I was kissing Ki Baek-woo. The fact that we were passionately kissing again like this…