Darkworld: Earth

2.18.

“So all I’m saying is that if they’re promising to give us all of this advanced technology, where the hell is it? I mean, yes please, give me a phaser. I promise that I’ll only use it to hunt deer. It will be nice to be able to hunt my meat and cook it at the same time,” the talk show radio said. “But I still gotta ask, where is it? You’ve all seen the images, and I’m not seeing an cargo haulers.”

Kirk turned the radio off and reached into the back of the truck for a coke. He popped the top of the can with his teeth and drank deeply. He was ahead of schedule. Once he made this delivery, he had four days off, and he was looking forward to seeing his girlfriend.

He looked up at the night sky, wondering. He didn’t really believe the news about the aliens, but then he figured what the fuck and he picked up his C-ban and changed it to a channel that was mostly empty in this part of the nation. Nobody really used the old and outdated technology now that cellphones were ubiquitous, but Kirk was a trucker.

“Hello out there, aliens. Yonohoans, or whatever you call yourself. Welcome to the planet Earth. Please enjoy your stay, and refrain from slaughtering our cattle or anally probing us. I mean, there’s a few of us who might enjoy that, but make sure you obtain consent before you just ram it up there, okay?”

“Thank you Earthling, we will take your advice into consideration,” a voice with a strange accent replied a moment later.

Kirk nearly swerved his eighteen wheeler off of the interstate. “Christ you scared me, I thought this channel was empty,” he said into the radio once he’d recovered.

“I apologize. Do you wish to end contact?” the voice inquired.

“No, no. Whoever you are we can talk,” Kirk said. “So you’re a Yonowhoan, huh?”

“Yonohoan, yes. My name is Werlian. I believe that your people would call me a sociologist. I have been monitoring the Earth’s unencrypted radio frequencies for some time, and I just happened to be listening to this frequency from a probe in orbit above your location when you sent your message. I apologizing again for alarming you,” the voice said.

“It’s fine, like I said. Call me Kirk,” Kirk said. “So you’re studying us, huh? You find us interesting test subjects?”

“I would not call you test subjects. That implies a level of experimentation, while we are merely observing,” Werlian explained. “I hope you do not feel like we are invading your privacy. You are, after all, using technology which can be interpreted by anyone who intercepts the radio signal of your device, implying that you know your communications might be monitored.”

“Hey, I’m totally cool with you listening to our radio and watching our television,” Kirk agreed. “Much better than the hands on messy stuff that aliens get up to in the stories.”

“Yes, we have noticed that fear from your culture. I assure you that Yonohoans would not engage in such a practice, and we would penalize any other ‘alien’ culture who would abuse a darkworld in such a fashion. We are currently investigating whether the myths of such things are based in any fact or if they are merely the speculation of the human imagination. If we find that Earth has been abused in the past, we will be most wroth at the perpetrators.”

“So you’re humanity’s protectors or something like that?” Kirk inquired.

“In a certain light, that is exactly what we are,” Werlian agreed. “However, as far as the people of Earth go, your people have reached out into the universe, unaware of what awaited you. We wish that you are properly prepared to defend and preserve your culture now that the universe knows you exist and will begin reaching back.”

“Huh. So, what do you guys look like? I’ve seen the pictures of your spacecraft but I haven’t ever seen an actual picture of one of you aliens,” Kirk said.

“Many earthlings ask that question. We are trying to get your government to allow us to broadcast to the masses using your airwaves, but, as my human friends have been putting it, ‘the FCC is being a bunch of dicks.’ Once we receive approval for your government, we will already have a large amount of our own cultural works ready to share with you in the two-dimensional format which your people enjoy.”

“So, what, alien soap operas? Hey that’s cool,” Kirk agreed. “You’re not going to get in trouble for using the CB are you?”

“According to your own laws this radio frequency is for public use by anyone. I would not have responded to your comments if it was restricted to law enforcement or for other official purposes.”

“So it wasn’t you guys who made the radios go haywire a few months ago?” he asked.

“No, it was not. We are uncertain who was responsible, and we are most troubled by it. It means that someone else knows the location of Earth, and also that they have studied your culture enough to transcribe that message in your predominant language. It is another matter which is under investigation.”

“Huh. Hey, so, since you’re not here to probe us or eat our brains or anything – you’re not here to eat our brains, right?”

“We are not.”

“Right. So … why are you here then? The news reports say that you’re going to give us all sorts of weapons and stuff.”

“We view giving Earth the ability to defend itself and stand on its own as a minor aspect of the exchange that we hope to engage in with your culture. We are more excited about giving you proper medical access and care than the weapons,” Werlian explained.

“That’s nice of you. What do you get out of it.”

“We get to talk to humans from a darkworld,” Werlian explained. “Many of my colleagues will ‘turn green with envy’ when they hear this conversation that we are having at this moment.”

“That’s it? You are giving us advanced technology, and all you want in exchange is a few conversations?” Kirk asked.

“And also to study your historical data and cultural practices, but yes. We find human societies on darkworlds to be fascinating. As does most of the universe.

“It is one of the reasons why there are so many of them.”

“So if I tell you about myself, will you give me a spaceship?” Kirk asked.

Werlian paused for a moment, then answered “I do have the budget for that, yes. It will not be a very good spaceship, I am afraid, but it will allow you to explore your local star cluster. If you have a way of recording this information, I will give you a request number and the website which has been set up to make formal requests in this manner.”

“You guys have an online shop already?”

“We have been given very limited permission to access your internet, but we are currently running a few websites.”

“Okay then, hold on. Let me pull over and get out a pen.”

Once he had written down the combination of numbers and letters, Kirk continued driving into the night, recounting stories of his childhood and modern life.

When he got home, he was exhausted, but he still managed to stumble over to his computer and type in the information that Werlian had given him.

Then, because he saw no reason not to, he forwarded the website address to the radio station he had been listening to as well as a brief explanation of his encounter with the alien sociologist. The radiostation would have normally discounted him as a nutter, but these were strange days.

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