D Minus

Chapter 8



Chemotherapy was different from what he expected. He anticipated not being able to eat at all and writhing in pain, but he was able to eat even while getting the injections, and there weren’t any significant side effects. Although it was still early days and he shouldn’t make any hasty conclusions, he couldn’t help but feel a bit hopeful.Having finished reading his target amount, Jonghwa left the room saying he would get dinner. Hajin stared blankly at the medication pack that showed no signs of emptying, blinking slowly. Someone once said that as chemotherapy progresses, it feels like becoming a living corpse, and he felt like he was starting to understand what that meant.“…What?”After sitting in the same position for several hours, his neck was stiff. Hajin tilted his head back and then rotated it side to side, his eyes widening as he noticed a piece of paper on the assistant chair. It was a torn page from the front of a book titled “Author Introduction.” Hajin reached out towards it, as if entranced.“Stay strong.”Two crooked words were written on it. Hajin, momentarily dazed, felt his cheeks round into a smile. Even his puffy eyes, swollen from crying, felt a touch of warmth. Hajin carefully folded the torn paper in half and placed it in his bag.***The swirling water disappeared down the toilet. Hajin, sitting against the tiles, wiped his damp lips and took a deep breath. He felt nauseous constantly, as if he had bugs in his stomach, even though there was nothing left to vomit.It had been about a month since he started chemotherapy. Initially, he thought he might not experience any side effects, but now he was realizing how naive that hope was.“Ugh…”He barely had time to think as his chest heaved and he felt the urge to vomit again. He pressed his face against the toilet, dry heaving repeatedly. Having spent the whole day vomiting, only retching sounds came out.“Ugh…”He barely managed to crawl out of the bathroom and head back to his room. He had no appetite, barely able to swallow water. Groaning, he climbed into bed, curling up like a shrimp. Despite the weather not being particularly cold, he shivered incessantly, his whole body trembling. Even though nothing was touching him, his skin felt as if it was being cut by a blade, so he couldn’t even cover himself with a blanket. Curled up tightly, he sweated profusely, trying to sleep but unable to. He regretted not being hospitalized earlier, as the doctor suggested, wondering if that would have spared him some pain.“I’m still young…”With his physical condition so dire, his emotions were all over the place. His grand ambition to face death calmly was nowhere to be found, and sobs escaped his parched lips. When the nausea subsided, his stomach hurt. He couldn’t pinpoint where exactly, but somewhere between his chest and navel felt like it was being slashed, causing immense pain.Though his parents had passed away early, he thought he had been happy when he was young. He had no friends who came to mind before dying, but he felt his school days had been happy. No students sought him out after he stopped teaching, but he felt his time as a teacher had been happy. He had no reason to want to live, but still… he didn’t want to die.“Please…”He didn’t even know what he was so desperate for. Hugging his stomach, Hajin bit into his pillow to endure the pain. He had noticeably lost weight over the month, making his neck feel even stiffer.“Ugh…”The pain was almost unbearable. The thought that his calculated D-Day might be a maximum rather than a minimum terrified him.He realized he could suddenly die while lying there. He could stop breathing at any moment. He could just leave like that. Death wasn’t something he could face peacefully and quietly at a time and place of his choosing. He had been arrogant.He didn’t have the strength to wipe away his tears, so they just flowed endlessly. Jonghwa, who had left two days ago, hadn’t returned yet. It was pathetic how he pricked up his ears at every small sound, waiting for him. Despite having sought solitude in the countryside to die alone, Hajin had been waiting for Jonghwa every moment for the past two days.“The doctor said to eat even if it doesn’t go down.”“Why eat if I’m just going to throw it up?”“You still eat even if you poop. What’s the difference between poop and vomit?”“Ah… talking about gross things in front of food.”“Damn, you’re making a fuss over nothing. Did I say something I shouldn’t have?”Still as rude as ever, Jonghwa forced Hajin to eat even just a spoonful, despite him refusing to eat. Although Hajin threw up everything he ate, it was thanks to Jonghwa that he was still alive.“Why are you sleeping here?”“In case you get sick at night and need to go to the hospital.”“You don’t have to go that far. If I get sick, I’ll call, so go sleep.”“How can a sick person call? Stop whining. I’m going to sleep.”Jonghwa brought a thin blanket and pillow, sleeping on the floor next to Hajin’s bed. Uncomfortable with having someone sleep next to him, Hajin stared at the ceiling with wide eyes before asking tentatively.“Why are you being so nice to me?”“Just fell asleep, damn it…”“Okay, sleep.”“You cooked for me and taught me to read.”“Is that really why?”“Does there need to be another reason?”“Well, no, but…”“Then sleep. It’s noisy.”He really wanted to know, but Jonghwa, annoyed, responded brusquely and pretended to sleep again. Hajin pouted and, listening to Jonghwa’s even breathing, closed his eyes, trying to sleep. Then a belated answer came from Jonghwa.“Learning to read made the world more interesting.”“…”“Learning to use chopsticks let me eat more beans. When I lived with my older brother, if I scooped with a spoon, he’d hit my head.”Hajin didn’t reply. It made him sad, feeling like Jonghwa was giving him reasons to live.“Why isn’t he coming…”The moment he heard a sound outside the front door, Hajin bolted upright, feeling nauseous and pounding his chest. The door remained firmly closed, suggesting it was just his imagination. It didn’t feel good, like a child waiting obediently for their parents at home. Jonghwa didn’t have a set time to return. Trying to find the least painful position, he ended up burying his face in his knees.He worried that Jonghwa might come back with a stab wound like last time, or worse, that he might die before returning. The thought that he might never come back made Hajin’s heart sink. In such a short time, he had unknowingly come to rely on Jonghwa. Ridiculously, and very much so.A shiver ran up his spine. It was a symptom that appeared when the chills persisted. The unpleasant sensation that made even his hair stand on end caused Hajin to gnaw at his lips. He hadn’t been this sick before starting chemotherapy; it felt like he had made the wrong choice. Just yesterday, he regretted not starting the treatment sooner, but his thoughts were inconsistent and all over the place now that he was in pain.“Hey, are you in there?”He hadn’t slept properly for three hours over the past two days, and his head was spinning. Barely ten minutes after his heavy eyelids finally closed, the front door burst open. Hajin’s eyes snapped open before he was fully awake.“What’s wrong with your face? Are you sick?”It was Jonghwa, whom he hadn’t seen for two and a half days. Jonghwa, holding a black plastic bag on his wrist, rushed over to Hajin with wide eyes. Hajin’s lips, which he had bitten so hard they had small drops of blood on them, trembled.“Let’s go to the hospital.”Strangely enough, the moment he saw Jonghwa’s face, tears burst forth. He opened his mouth to speak, but the acrid smell rising from his stomach made him cry even more. Jonghwa was flustered, seeing Hajin sobbing loudly. His thin coat carried the cold air from outside.“Are you in a lot of pain? Get on my back, quickly.”Jonghwa promptly knelt on one knee, offering his back. In a rural area with few hospitals and vast land, it was faster to go directly than to call 119. Hugging his knees, Hajin cried without acknowledging Jonghwa. Strangely, focusing all his nerves on shedding tears made the nausea and abdominal pain disappear completely.“…Why are you only coming now…”“What did you say?”“You told me to get treatment… hic. You told me to get treatment…”Hajin knew better than anyone that he shouldn’t blame Jonghwa, but right now, he wanted to blame someone, anyone. He wanted to create a reason for his tears. Otherwise, he felt he would crumble, so he shamelessly made an excuse.Jonghwa, who had been kneeling on the floor, slowly stood up. Soon, the bed sank under his weight. Hajin lowered his head to avoid Jonghwa’s gaze.“You told me to get treatment…”“But why treatment?”Jonghwa, looking anxious, wet his lips with his tongue. Hajin clenched his fists and roughly wiped his face with the back of his hand. Strangely, in front of Jonghwa, he didn’t feel embarrassed even when he cried or spilled his heart out.“Treatment makes me sicker. I told you I didn’t want to do it…”That was a lie. Just yesterday, he felt lighter and thought he might survive. He even regretted not starting treatment sooner, thinking he could have lived much longer. But he said none of that. He just blamed Jonghwa.“Did it hurt?”“I vomited all day. I couldn’t sleep or eat.”His voice trembled so much it seemed like whining. Jonghwa’s light brown eyes, full of concern, came close to Hajin’s nose.“But you still have to get treated, what else can you do.”“…”“Shall we go to the hospital?”The once rude and intimidating gangster didn’t get annoyed even when Hajin poured out baseless blame. He just soothed him with a calm voice. Hajin knew. He found comfort in Jonghwa’s demeanor. And he wanted to be comforted.“Let’s go to the hospital.”“…Why didn’t you come back for two days?”“I had something to do.”“You could have told me.”“…”Even Hajin thought his words were absurd. Since when had he started relying on him like this? Since when had he started complaining like this? Since when…He was so exhausted that his eyes were only half-open. His weakened body leaned towards Jonghwa. Jonghwa instinctively caught him, and Hajin rested his cheek on Jonghwa’s shoulder. The stiff fabric scratched his chapped cheek, but he rubbed against it like a puppy regardless. Jonghwa stayed frozen, not moving at all.“…Shin Jonghwa.”“What?”“Can I ask you for a favor?”“What is it?”“Will you grant it?”“If I can.”A faint smile appeared on Hajin’s lips. He had decided to keep it to himself, but his first impression of Jonghwa was completely wrong. He was so gentle and kind.“Be with me when I die.”“…”“I originally wanted to die alone, quietly, but as it gets closer, I’m getting scared.”“…”“It’s something you can do, right? Please?”Not realizing how easy it was now but how difficult it would be later.***“It’s raining.”Lying helplessly on the hospital bed, Hajin turned his head toward the sound of raindrops tapping on the window. Jonghwa, who had been dozing off in a chair beside him, also slowly opened his eyes. The cold raindrops of late autumn softly tapped against the windowpane.“I actually like it when it rains.”Hajin groaned as he struggled to sit up. He liked the raindrops clinging diagonally to the window. Jonghwa silently watched Hajin. The loose sleeve of his hospital gown revealed a pale arm.“I want to get rained on.”“It’s cold today.”“But I like getting rained on.”He had been that way since he was a child. When it rained hard, while others were worried, he would run around the neighborhood, delighted and bare-chested. In high school, he once ran ten laps around the school track after classes, soaking in the pouring rain. The rainy season, as reported on the news, was Hajin’s favorite time of year. Strangely, he never caught a cold.“I want to go outside.”“If you catch a cold, you’ll be screwed.”“Even so, I want to go outside.”His voice, which emerged from his dry lips, was utterly weak. Hajin blankly stared at the needle in his hand before gripping it tightly and pulling it out. Startled, Jonghwa jumped up from his chair.“What the hell, why’d you pull that out?”“I want to go out.”“You’re sick, where do you think you’re going?”“I want to get rained on.”“I’ll open the window, stick your hand out. Why do you need to get wet? What if you catch a cold?”Unfortunately, the hospital window didn’t open. Jonghwa, who had been struggling to open the window without a handle, rolled up his sleeves and huffed.“Let’s go to the rooftop.”“I want to go out.”“You’re so damn stubborn.”“I want to go out.”“No. If you catch a cold, you’ll really die.”“I’m going to die anyway.”The continuous flow of their conversation was abruptly cut off. The room fell into an eerie silence, with only the occasional sound of raindrops tapping on the window breaking the stillness. Hajin, after removing the remaining needles, stretched his legs off the bed. Jonghwa, with his hands on his hips, let out a hollow laugh.“I feel like I’ll never get another chance to get rained on.”“…”“That’s just how I feel. Like today is the last time. I want to get rained on.”His monotonous voice was devoid of any tears. Hajin, too weak to stand on his own, held onto the IV pole and took a step forward. He pulled out a thick cardigan from the closet, draped it over his hospital gown, and put on a hat to cover his bald head. Jonghwa, who had been watching him with intense eyes, sighed deeply.“You can’t get rained on.”“I’ll go out alone if I have to.”“We’ll go together. But you can’t get rained on. Wait here.”“…Where are you going?”“I’ll be right back, so don’t go anywhere.”Repeating the same words like a warning, Jonghwa hurriedly left the room. Hajin, who had intended to go out alone, plopped back onto the bed and stared at the increasingly heavy raindrops. He thought about his own situation and about Jonghwa, who had ended up nursing him, despite it being far from his nature.“…What the hell?”“You said you wanted to go out? Get on my back.”Jonghwa, who had returned to the room, knelt on the floor and offered his back. A long umbrella handle was taped to his back, wrapped securely with blue tape from his neck to his chest. Looking down at this sight, Hajin couldn’t help but laugh.“You fixed the umbrella?”“Yeah. I can’t hold an umbrella with you on my back.”“I could hold it, you idiot…”“The umbrella is heavy. What if I get tired later? Hurry up, before the rain stops.”It wasn’t a pair of wings like a hero in a movie, but it was close enough. Jonghwa, urging him, waved his hand. Hajin, still laughing weakly, quickly climbed onto his back. Jonghwa, holding Hajin’s thighs tightly, walked out of the room, drawing the attention of everyone they passed on the way to the first floor.“Open it.”Hajin decided to enjoy it. In the past, he would have been too embarrassed to acknowledge it, but now, facing death, everything seemed fun. He pressed the button on the wooden handle, and with a swoosh, the large umbrella opened. Caught off guard, Hajin’s cheek was slapped by the unfolding fabric, causing him to make a strange sound. He heard Jonghwa’s laughter in front of him.“Are you okay? Should we go back inside?”“I’m fine, but aren’t you getting wet?”“No, not at all.”It looked ridiculous, but it worked well. Though it was slightly uncomfortable with the long metal handle, it was bearable if he held on tightly. The tape was so securely wrapped that even the fierce wind and rain couldn’t budge the umbrella, providing solid protection. Worried that the tape might be choking Jonghwa, Hajin gently patted his neck. Jonghwa flinched.“Is it choking you?”“I’m fine.”“Thank you.”“You thank me for everything.”“Really. To be honest, I didn’t have the courage to come out on my own.”“Enjoy all the rain you love so much.”They had no particular destination. Jonghwa just kept walking, as if to let Hajin enjoy the rain to his heart’s content. They left the hospital where other patients in the same gowns occasionally appeared, walked down a sidewalk lined with large trees, crossed a noisy street with the sound of wind, and circled a park with a small pond. Hajin, on Jonghwa’s back, listened to the sound of rain that he loved so much.The sound of rain pouring down on the ground, the gentle tapping of raindrops on the umbrella, and even the occasional splash on his face were all delightful. He also loved the cool splashing sound every time Jonghwa’s feet hit the ground. Truly… he was glad he came out.“Can we stay by the pond a bit longer?”“Do as you please.”Just as they were about to leave the park after a lap, Hajin made a small request. Jonghwa nonchalantly agreed and stopped in front of the pond. It seemed like there should be fish in it, but none were visible, probably due to the rain.Hajin clung tightly to Jonghwa’s neck, staring endlessly at the rippling surface of the water. Each raindrop created a wide ripple, resonating with a vibrating sound. His heart felt heavy, and his stomach churned. His nose tingled so much it drove him mad.Quickly, Hajin averted his gaze from the pond and buried his face in the back of Jonghwa’s head. Jonghwa, understanding without words, started walking again.“Shin Jonghwa.”“What?”His breathing had become a bit labored. No matter how much weight Hajin had lost, carrying an adult man and walking for nearly an hour was strenuous. Feeling weak, Hajin pressed his forehead against the back of Jonghwa’s head.“I want to stop the treatment.”“…”“Take me home.”“…Why?”


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