D Minus

“… Dying is the same for everyone.”What nonsense. Hajin swallowed his words and pressed the elevator button. He glanced at the large Jonghwa standing beside him, his expression somehow pitiful. It was a peculiar atmosphere that only Jonghwa could create.“You’re a teacher.”“… What?”The elevator has arrived. Sometimes the chilling mechanical voice was heard as the iron doors opened wide. Hajin stepped into the square machine and repeated his question. Jonghwa pressed the button for the first floor.“You know how to write and teach.”“… What does that…”“You can use chopsticks well and cook well.”“…”“I take back what I said on the first day. Dying is a big deal.”“Ha…”“For you.”First floor. The mechanical voice rang again, and the doors opened, but neither of them moved. Their profiles were reflected in the large mirror on one wall, and they stood still, facing forward.“It’s not a big deal to me, either.”Hajin, barely holding onto his fading consciousness, was the first to step out. He almost cried, mesmerized by Jonghwa’s eyes. He punched his chest with his fist, struggling to catch his breath. Jonghwa’s footsteps following from a distance weren’t welcome.“I’ll give you the money as soon as we get home.”“Forget it.”“We need to settle money matters clearly.”Ignoring Jonghwa’s refusal, Hajin finally got the receipt. The early morning air was quite fresh. It was cool for summer, but not exactly refreshing.They walked a short distance apart. Hajin held only an A4-sized receipt in his hand. The paper fluttered loudly in the wind.“What do you do for a living?”“Huh?”“You. What do you do?”He didn’t know why he suddenly got curious. He was simply intrigued by the ‘cash’ payment method noted at the bottom of the receipt. It was surprising to see someone paying tens of thousands of won in cash these days. That was the only reason he was curious.“I’m Shin Jonghwa.”“… I meant your job.”“Then what?”“What do you do for a living? There has to be something more than just your name.”Caught off guard by the question, Jonghwa looked puzzled. Watching him, Hajin realized something else. Jonghwa wasn’t good at hiding his emotions. Under the lone streetlight, Hajin stopped walking.“Are you really not a gangster?”“No. Damn it…”Jonghwa scratched his neck with his large hand. Hajin didn’t intend to make him uncomfortable. He folded the receipt in half and fanned himself lightly.“How could you get your name wrong after studying Korean so much?”The folded edge of the paper showed the signature line: ‘Shin, Jong, Hwa.’ The crooked writing was indeed his handwriting. Hajin’s face, illuminated by the streetlight, shone brightly. Jonghwa looked at him quietly and shrugged.“I was nervous and forgot.”“The more nervous you are, the more you need to focus.”“I remember your name but forgot mine.”“Why do you remember my name for no reason?”“Yours is easy. Mine is hard.”“There’s no such thing as easy or hard with names.”“My name is hard. It has a lot of circles.”“… Good grief.”Hajin started walking again. Their long shadows followed at a constant distance. There was no pain. Except for occasional dizziness and nausea, he was fine. Though this was the first time he’d collapsed, he just needed to be careful from now on. For someone with less than six months to live, the pain was quite mild.Yet, his steps felt strangely heavy. So heavy that every step made his body sag. His clear vision gradually became blurry. Tears began to well up in the corners of his eyes, tears that hadn’t come even when he received the terminal diagnosis.“Kim Mansoon’s kimbap, dumplings, and sundae. Damn it, I didn’t know. It was supposed to be read from top to bottom, but I read it horizontally.”“…”“That’s why it was 밥두대 (rice two servings). I thought they served rice too. It would’ve been embarrassing if I had asked.”“…”“Damn it…”Jonghwa, muttering incoherently, suddenly stopped and grabbed his head. Hajin didn’t care and tried to hold back his increasing tears, covering his mouth with his hand. The sobbing sound escaping through his fingers was irritating.“Hey. I don’t know how to comfort people.”“… Ah.”“Teach me. What can I do to make you feel better?”There’s no way I can feel better. There’s no cheering up someone who’s been given a terminal diagnosis with about 130 days left to live. Yet, the reason I couldn’t snap back sharply was because the man’s eyes, leaning in to meet mine, were too clear, too pure.It was D-135, with no reason to want to live but vaguely afraid of dying.“Don’t look at me like that. I’m fine.”“I still think it’s weird for a cancer patient to drink.”“Whether I drink or not, I’ll die anyway. No point in making a fuss.”Hajin turned the soju bottle upside down and watched the swirling vortex inside with satisfaction. Jonghwa, who was chewing on the squid he had bought as a side dish, pondered whether this was right, inhaling sharply through his teeth.“Soju or beer?”“Soju.”“Then I’ll have soju too.”Even so, he didn’t overly interfere. They weren’t that close in the first place. Hajin filled two soju glasses from the cupboard and handed one to Jonghwa. Holding a piece of cut squid, Jonghwa emptied his glass in one go.“Couldn’t you wait and drink with me?”Hajin meant it as a toast, but it seemed to go over Jonghwa’s head. When Hajin frowned and scolded him, he casually refilled his glass.“We can drink again.”“Good grief…”This time, their glasses clinked in the air. Jonghwa emptied his glass again, and Hajin, sticking out his tongue and sipping, finally gulped it down in one go. It had been a while since he drank soju, and the bitter aftertaste reminded him that it wasn’t to his liking. As Hajin hurriedly stuffed his mouth with square-cut watermelon, Jonghwa laughed with his mouth wide open.“You’re not a kid.”“Didn’t you say you don’t like alcohol?”“Yeah, I don’t usually drink, but when I do, I can drink.”Jonghwa drank well, each time Hajin poured. The unexpected drinking buddy wasn’t so bad. Hajin, who couldn’t handle alcohol well, sipped one glass while Jonghwa downed two, continuing their late-night drinking session.“If you’re not a gangster, what are you?”“Why do you want to know?”“Just curious. We’ve been living together for over a month, and I still don’t know what you do.”Hajin persistently asked about Jonghwa’s job. Naturally curious, the alcohol only heightened his inquisitiveness. Jonghwa took the bottle from Hajin’s slow hands, refilled his glass, and drank silently. He probably was a gangster. Otherwise, the day he got stabbed and refused to go to the hospital, saying he would be killed if caught, didn’t make sense.Hajin, resting his chin on the back of his hand, pushed the watermelon container toward Jonghwa. His gaze lowered.“Have some watermelon. It’s good.”Jonghwa didn’t touch any side dishes except the squid. The square-cut watermelon was bought at the market a few days ago. Though not very sweet, probably due to the end of summer, it was still decent. Jonghwa’s refusal to touch it despite Hajin’s effort to deseed it stirred his stubbornness. Jonghwa pushed the container back to Hajin.“You eat more.”“I’ve been eating it all this time.”“I’m good.”“Just eat it…”Why should it matter if he ate the watermelon or not? It wasn’t a big deal to slice it or remove the seeds. Yet, for some reason, tears welled up. It seemed I was looking for any excuse to cry.Holding a piece of watermelon on a fork, Hajin sobbed uncontrollably. Without lowering his head, he openly cried in front of Jonghwa. As the tears flowed, the alcohol from his toes surged up to his head.“Why are you crying?”Taken aback by the sudden tears, Jonghwa stood up and fidgeted. He was a far cry from the image I had on the first day. Scratching his neck vigorously, Jonghwa snatched the fork from Hajin’s hand.“I’ll eat it. See? I’m eating it.”Jonghwa demonstratively stuffed the watermelon into his mouth in front of Hajin, but the tears showed no sign of stopping.I wasn’t crying out of sadness. I didn’t even know why I was crying. It just seemed I needed a tiny trigger to let the tears flow, and they wouldn’t stop. Hajin sobbed loudly, gasping for breath.“You didn’t teach me how to use a fork.”“…”“That’s why. I kind of get chopsticks, but a fork is different.”Through his swollen eyelids, Hajin saw Jonghwa’s hand, which held the fork in his large fist. Jonghwa wiped his tear-streaked cheeks with his palm, feeling the itch from the hot trail of tears.“I was going to ask you later.”“…”“You said you’d teach me if I asked.”Jonghwa’s earlobes were bright red. Hajin, struggling to catch his breath, stared blankly at him.After confirming that the waterfall of tears had stopped, Jonghwa sat back down. Holding the fork in his fist, he picked up a piece of watermelon and handed it to Hajin. Though he didn’t feel like eating more, Hajin took it.“When I was young, I sold gum.”“…”Jonghwa seemed to be bringing up his long-silent past as a means to comfort Hajin. Though Hajin wanted to tell him to stop if he didn’t want to share, his treacherous mouth stayed shut. Propping his elbow on the table and resting his cheek on his palm, Jonghwa continued in his usual calm voice.“If you walk around the subway with a sign around your neck, a few people will buy from you. How much was it again? Five hundred won, I think. Anyway, it was more expensive than the ones sold in stores, but people still bought it. I earned about ten thousand won a day. When I got off at the last stop, the older guys would come to pick me up.”“…The older guys?”“Yeah, the ones who raised me.”“……”It seemed he was talking about a begging ring. Hajin didn’t ask any more questions and poured soju into his glass.“But damn, as I got older, people stopped buying from me. When I was younger, it wasn’t like that, but as I got older, the police would come and chase me away. If I went back without selling anything, I’d get beaten like a dog.”“…By those older guys?”“Yeah, there were seven or eight of them. We lived together, but if I didn’t sell anything, they made me sleep standing at the front door.”“How do you sleep standing up?”“They meant don’t sleep at all.”“Ha…”“The third oldest guy told me once that I had to look more pitiful to sell more. So one day, I looked in the mirror and punched my own cheek really hard. My right eye got so swollen I could hardly see, but that day, I made the most money.”Jonghwa laughed brightly, showing his teeth, as if reminiscing about something joyful. Hajin, astounded, didn’t even think to drink the soju he had poured. Jonghwa handed him another piece of watermelon, his clumsy use of the fork strangely sad.“Why didn’t you run away?”“Run away? Why?”“Anywhere would have been better than living there.”His voice grew louder with excitement. Jonghwa, wide-eyed, soon let out a chuckle through his lips.“No, they were good people.”“…Ha.”“But that house caught fire. I heard later that no one was supposed to live there. What do you call it again…”“A vacant house?”“Yeah, that’s it.”Hajin had heard that some people lived in redevelopment areas or abandoned villages. He didn’t know what to say to Jonghwa, who called these horrific people “good people.” Hajin, about to speak, gave up and bit into the edge of the watermelon. It had been quite sweet earlier, but now it tasted only bitter. Jonghwa filled his glass and drank again.“They all died in the fire. It was just me and the oldest guy left.”“…”“After that, I lived following him around.”“Was that guy a good person?”“Yeah, he gave me money and food.”“Besides giving you money and food.”“What do you mean?”“Did he treat you well?”“He gave me money and food, I said.”The conversation faltered again. Hajin, pressing his forehead with his hand, stared directly at Jonghwa. The intoxication that had heated him up flew away instantly.“Is giving money and food enough to be a good person?”“Isn’t it?”“Ha… Did he ever hit you?”“The oldest guy? Well…”At a question that should have been met with an immediate “no,” Jonghwa hesitated, his eyes darting as if contemplating. Hajin’s lower eyelids twitched.“Sometimes, if I did something wrong.”“What kind of wrong?”His voice was unusually firm. Jonghwa shrugged as if he didn’t understand the sudden seriousness.“Mistakes at work or something.”“What kind of work?”“…Why are you suddenly using informal speech? You’re funny.”“I’m asking what kind of work.”Jonghwa seemed evasive. Hajin, determined not to back down, pulled his chair closer. The watermelon he had been holding was long forgotten. As Hajin sighed softly, staring at the moist, red piece of fruit, Jonghwa spoke again. His playful eyes didn’t match the serious situation at all.“Work where I could get stabbed.”“…What?”“What the hell. Why am I even telling you this?”“Wait a minute. Stabbed? What do you mean, stabbed?”“Just things like that. Stop nagging.”“No, but…”“Anyway, I’m not a gangster.”“Then why did you get stabbed?!”Jonghwa’s eyes widened at Hajin’s shout, then he burst out laughing. His sharp eyes softened, revealing his clear gaze. That innocent laugh strangely suited him well.“Because I betrayed the oldest guy.”“…What?”“I might have fewer days left than you.”The breath Hajin had been holding in with tension slowly seeped out.“If you’re not too tired, do you want to go see the sea?”Even though his condition wasn’t great, Hajin felt too stifled to stay inside any longer. He put on a light jacket and subtly asked Jonghwa. It was 6 AM. The dawn had broken, but the deep shadows under his eyes remained. Hajin had been forced to sleep after collapsing, but Jonghwa hadn’t slept at all. Still, he got up without a moment’s hesitation at Hajin’s sudden suggestion.“Why did you come here?”“Here?”“I wanted to find a quiet and peaceful place to spend my last days. I looked everywhere and found this house. Look at this place. Isn’t it great?”The sand on this beach was darker than most. Hajin scooped up a handful of the almost black sand and gently shook his hand, letting the sparkling grains scatter in the wind. With his elbows resting on his raised knees, Jonghwa stared off into the distance, letting the wind blow against him, deep in thought.“Have you been over there?”“Where?”“Just a little further that way, there’s a harbor. There are tons of fishing boats there.”Despite his initial desire to die in solitude and silence, Hajin now chatted away as if he needed someone to talk to. Jonghwa responded at appropriate moments without interrupting him.“If you look closely at the dried fish hanging over there, it feels really peaceful.”“Yeah, it does.”“That old lady over there seems to never sleep. It’s dawn, and she’s already out.”They watched as an elderly woman, bent over and leaning on a cane, slowly made her way down the beach. Hajin observed her until she disappeared from view, then took a deep breath and buried his hand deeply into the sand.“Seoul is so hectic. There are too many cars and people. It’s noisy, the air is bad, and there’s no sea.”