D Minus

Tears that hadn’t fallen for days now began to flow. The tears that trickled down his temples soaked the pillow. Hajin hurriedly turned his body to face the wall. He felt Jonghwa snuggle up close behind him, but he didn’t turn back. Throughout his muted sobs, Jonghwa’s large hand gently patted his back.“What day is it today?”“The 31st.”“It’s still December….”He had a brief memory of nearly losing consciousness. He thought he would never wake up again, but thankfully, he opened his eyes. He worried that the whole of December had passed by, but there was still one day left. Hajin, unable to lift the blanket that covered him up to his neck, blinked up at the ceiling. Jonghwa, who had noticeably lost weight recently, brought him a cup of warm water.“How are you feeling?”“I’m feeling good today.”It wasn’t a lie. He had been so ill that he had lost two days of memory, but as if in compensation, he felt invigorated today. Hajin, his cheeks flushed red, extended his legs out of the bed. Jonghwa hurried over, but Hajin shook his head vigorously and stood on his own feet. He thought he wouldn’t be able to, but although he wobbled a bit, he managed to stand upright. Hajin’s face lit up with excitement.“I’m really okay today.”Unlike usual, when it took nearly five minutes to complete a sentence, he could speak quickly. The foreign sensation that had clogged his throat was gone, and the pain that had buzzed like electricity through his spine and abdomen had disappeared. He no longer felt nauseous and didn’t vomit even when he drank water.“I want to eat.”“Food? Do you think you can?”“Yes. I’m really feeling good today. Really.”Thanks to Hajin, who had regained some vitality, Jonghwa also felt elated. Although he couldn’t cook, he rummaged through the refrigerator and spread ingredients all over the table. Hajin, limping towards him, laughed out loud. It had been so long since Jonghwa had heard him laugh that he stood frozen for a while.“Wash it and eat.”“No. I’ll just eat it as is today.”“You’ll have a hard time if you vomit.”“It’s hard even if I wash it.”Even in good condition, his stubbornness remained. Shaking his head, Jonghwa placed the steaming tofu in the middle of the table. Today’s menu was tofu kimchi. Hajin’s neck tensed up.“Jonghwa.”“What.”“Do you know that the first meal we ever had together was tofu kimchi?”“Yeah. You said it was dirty.”“Wow, you remember that….”He recalled Jonghwa touching a stray cat and then eating kimchi without washing his hands. Back then, he had disliked him so much that he never wanted to see him again. Life was unpredictable. Who would have thought they would end up like this?Hajin, putting a piece of kimchi in his mouth, smiled beautifully. His previously stiff muscles relaxed, and the corners of his eyes crinkled gently. Jonghwa couldn’t even lift a spoonful of rice, captivated by that smile.“Time flies so fast….”“Yeah. We didn’t even do anything.”“…It’s a pity.”“Are you really okay, though?”“Yes. I’m really okay today. It’s amazing.”He hadn’t vomited once. Today was truly a lucky day. Since his symptoms worsened, he hadn’t had such an ordinary day. Jonghwa, encouraged, even lit a bonfire in the yard and brought Hajin out, wrapping him in a blanket. The air was cold against his face, but the roaring bonfire and the sky full of stars were indescribably beautiful.“There are so many stars. They look like they’re about to fall.”Hajin tilted his head back, gazing endlessly at the stars, while Jonghwa fed logs into the fire, watching Hajin intently. Time passed slowly like that. The clock moved towards midnight, and the fire blazed even higher.“Jonghwa.”“What.”“Thank you for loving me.”“…What’s there to be thankful for?”Jonghwa, taking off his work gloves, hugged Hajin. Leaning on Jonghwa’s shoulder, Hajin smiled brightly. The two hearts, now close, beat loudly as if in competition.“Do you remember what I asked of you?”“…What request.”Jonghwa’s hand, which had been patting him, stopped. He knew why. He knew what Hajin was referring to. Hajin covered the back of Jonghwa’s hand, which was wrapped around his shoulder, with his palm.“I asked you to be with me when I die.”“….”“I want to change that wish.”“…To what.”The stars seemed like they would fall. Hajin wanted to fill his eyes with the stars that sparkled in his pupils. Like a puppy, Hajin rubbed his cheek against Jonghwa’s chest.“Forget me.”“…What?”The fast heartbeat was no longer felt. As if expecting this reaction, Hajin didn’t move. Jonghwa, frowning, asked in a sharp voice.“What did you say?”“I asked you to forget me.”“Ha…”He sighed deeply, his strength seeming to drain as he squeezed his eyes shut. Hajin’s lips curled upwards.“When I die, be sad for just one day, remember me for just one day, love me for just one day, and then forget.”“…”“That’s truly my wish.”“…”“Please. If you love me, you must keep this promise.”Hajin extended his thumb and pinky finger towards Jonghwa, a gesture for a promise. Instead of hooking his finger, Jonghwa spread Hajin’s hand and interlocked their fingers. Their palms quickly warmed. Hajin bit his lip to hold back tears.“Answer me.”“…”“Promise to remember me for just one day.”Hajin didn’t seem inclined to relent. Jonghwa, who had been staring blankly at the burning bonfire, slowly nodded.“Alright.”Finally, Hajin felt at ease. Hearing his answer, the tension melted away. Hajin smiled, his eyes crinkling, and hugged Jonghwa tightly. Due to their size difference, it looked more like Jonghwa was hugging him.“Jonghwa.”“Yeah.”The heat from the fire distorted the air. Leaning against Jonghwa’s solid, warm body, Hajin murmured softly, and Jonghwa responded quietly. Hajin squeezed his hand tighter.“What day is it today?”“It’s still the 31st since it’s not midnight yet.”“Liar.”“…”“Liar.”Hajin laughed, but Jonghwa didn’t. His eyes flickered as he stared into the fire.“You knew, didn’t you? The date I set.”“…”“That it was December 31st.”“…”The veins in Jonghwa’s neck stood out. His jaw clenched, muscles tight. Hajin gently stroked his cheek. The wind tousled Jonghwa’s hair.“Happy thirty-first birthday, Jonghwa.”“…”“It’s still December 31st for me too, so I’m thirty-one as well.”“…”“Won’t you look at me?”Jonghwa kept his gaze fixed forward, unmoving. Hajin tugged at his arm pleadingly, but Jonghwa remained still. As the night grew later, the wind turned colder. The bonfire, too, began to die out. Jonghwa, who had been silent, suddenly lifted Hajin and carried him inside.“You’ll catch a cold. Let’s go to bed.”“Come here.”“…”Lying in bed, Hajin stretched his arm out to the side. The sigh that escaped Jonghwa’s lips carried a tremor.“It’s the first time I’ve used my arm as a pillow for you, right?”“Yeah.”Jonghwa’s head rested on Hajin’s frail arm. The pressure caused a sharp pain, but Hajin didn’t care. Facing Jonghwa, Hajin gently caressed his cheek with his fingers. Jonghwa’s eyes seemed lost, unable to settle.“Jonghwa.”Hajin whispered into his ear. In the darkness, Jonghwa flinched.“I love you.”“…”“It was my first love, so I was very clumsy, but I was happy.”Hajin’s voice recalled the day they first met, a mismatched and awkward encounter. Jonghwa bit his lip hard. Hajin’s eyes softened as he smiled.“Thank you.”“…”“Be happy. You promised.”He had a vague feeling. That after tonight, he wouldn’t wake up again. Since the morning when he felt strangely light…“Sleep well.”Jonghwa knew too. That the day to say goodbye had come. That come morning, he wouldn’t be able to hold him or see him anymore…“Good night.”“You too.”“I love you.”“I love you too.”When Jonghwa spoke, Hajin answered. The two of them, facing each other in the dark, burst into simultaneous laughter. They silently agreed to ignore the tears streaming down their cheeks.Hoping to leave with a smile.Foolish Jonghwa, unaware of his own heartbreak, tried his best to grant Hajin’s wish.“Sleep well…”There was no way he could sleep. Jonghwa, holding the increasingly labored-breathing Hajin, repeatedly whispered the farewell. Hajin, nestled in Jonghwa’s embrace, faintly nodded but eventually stopped moving.“Sleep well…”The raspy breathing gradually calmed. Jonghwa cupped Hajin’s cheeks, pressing his warm lips against his. Tears streamed down his face as if they had been waiting.Jonghwa, forcing a smile, lifted his lips from Hajin’s now lifeless face. No more breaths came from Hajin.“…Goodbye.”The farewell he had dreaded so much.＊＊＊In the backseat of the car, Jonghwa sat for a long time, cradling Hajin’s limp body. No crematorium would take a corpse without a death certificate. Eventually, Jonghwa went to the crematorium he had used for cleanup when working under his eldest brother. Coming here meant exposing himself to them, but he had no other options.Despite saying he’d cremate Hajin at five in the morning, Jonghwa still hadn’t left the car by six. He held and stroked Hajin, unable to believe the one who had been smiling at him just hours ago was now dead.“Hey.”Jonghwa’s hoarse voice echoed in the silent car. He tightly held Hajin’s face, which lolled with the car’s movements. His light brown eyes flickered. It seemed like Hajin would respond with “yeah” at any moment, but silence lingered.“Are you really dead?”It felt absurd to ask a corpse. Jonghwa felt suffocated, experiencing an emotion he had never felt before, leaving him in darkness.“First love… I was clumsy, but I was happy. Thank you. Be happy, okay? You promised.”Jonghwa recalled their last conversation. First love. It was the same for Jonghwa. He had never learned what love was, but he understood it through his feelings for Hajin. For Jonghwa, Hajin was love.“Let’s go now.”Jonghwa muttered to the already dead Hajin while running a hand over his face. With dawn breaking, he couldn’t delay any longer, knowing his brother’s men would soon come. His eyelids trembled as he lifted Hajin’s limp body.“Ah…”Just a little more. He still couldn’t open the car door. Hours had passed, and he still hadn’t stepped into the crematorium. He wasn’t ready to let Hajin go forever. Jonghwa hugged him again, crying into his shoulder. The coldness of Hajin’s body pained him deeply.“Wait.”There was no respect for the dead. A man in a glossy padded jacket chewing gum looked back. Jonghwa held Hajin’s hand tightly in the wooden coffin. The thick door blocking the furnace opened.“He could still be alive. What if he’s just not breathing and we burn him?”“What are you talking about? He’s obviously dead.”The man preparing the cremation snorted. Jonghwa, veins bulging in his neck, fidgeted with Hajin’s hand. Knowing he wouldn’t see Hajin’s face again once he was burned made it hard to let go.“Can’t you wake up?”He clung to a foolish hope that Hajin was merely asleep, not dead. He wished Hajin would wake up.“Are you doing this or not? We close at seven.”“I’m doing it.”He couldn’t delay any longer. Jonghwa gave a final caress to Hajin’s cheek and gestured to the man. The man smirked and closed the coffin lid.Jonghwa’s face turned pale as he watched the coffin enter the furnace. His eyes filled with pain, his mouth twisted, and his neck veins bulged red. The fire engulfed Hajin, who had been with him just moments before.He had wanted to give Hajin a proper funeral at a big hospital, in a cleaner place. It pained him that his uneducated self could only bring him to a place for burning gang victims. He felt inadequate for sending Hajin off in such a dirty place.His ignorance was his fault. He had no knowledge. No one taught him how to handle death. He should have learned the procedures for after Hajin’s death. He was foolish.After a long time, Hajin emerged from the furnace as white ashes. The smiling face was gone. The gentle voice was gone. As if he had never existed, Hajin left Jonghwa’s side.＊＊＊The winter sea was beautiful but brutally cold. Hugging the round porcelain urn containing Hajin’s ashes, Jonghwa sat on the beach, staring blankly at the sea. It was a rural beach they often visited.“What was that poem?”His swollen eyes stung. Jonghwa absentmindedly caressed the urn as if petting a stray cat. He recalled a poem Hajin had recited, but the title eluded him.“With a heart that sings of stars, I must love all things that are dying.”Jonghwa looked up at the sky. There were no stars during the day. There had been stars and Hajin then, but now there was nothing.“And then I must walk the path given to me.”The dying told the living this:“Remember the last verse. After loving the dying, walk the path given to you. After I die, walk your path. Got it?”Now, there were no dying, only the living.“You must be happy. Even after I’m gone.”Hajin is dead.His heart felt heavy, but oddly enough, no tears came. Perhaps it hadn’t sunk in yet. He pressed his heart with his fist. The feeling was stifling, like being completely blocked up inside.“When I die, just be sad for one day, remember me for one day, love me for one day, and then forget me.”“Answer me. Promise you’ll remember me for just one day.”His last request was a difficult one. A hollow laugh escaped his twisted lips.Park Hajin. Did you know?I was abandoned without knowing who my parents were, never getting a warm meal in my life.When I sold gum in the subway all day with a cardboard sign around my neck, I envied the kids who could sleep in their parents’ arms. Without being registered, I couldn’t open a bank account or get a phone on my own.I lived as my eldest brother’s shadow. When I got beaten and fainted, no one was there when I woke up. I would get myself together and go home, where my eldest brother always was. He went home alone, leaving me behind. So, I would cook ramen alone and sleep. That was my life. I was never sad or resentful. That was just how my life was.“Let’s learn just what we need. Just enough to get by.”Thinking back, I don’t think I thanked you then. I was too embarrassed to say it, but that night I wrote my name over a hundred times on the floor. It was the first time I had written my name myself, and it felt amazing.“Hold the chopsticks the same way, Mr. Shin Jonghwa. Not knowing something isn’t embarrassing. So, if you’re ever curious about anything, ask me anytime. You’re always welcome.”One day, a nail in a wooden plank tore off my fingernail, and I had to use my hands to eat because I couldn’t hold chopsticks. My eldest brother beat me to a pulp for making noise because he was in a bad mood. I grew up hearing insults like, “You idiot. You dirty bastard. Go die.” But when you said it, it felt like I was worth something.“Your life is important too. You were born, so you’re living.”If the kid selling gum in the subway had met you, would his life have been a little better?“Be with me when I die.”I wish we had met a little earlier.“Why did you make me want to live?”You said I made you want to live, but what can I do? Because of you, I want to die. Before I met you, my life was bearable. It was only after meeting you that I realized my past thirty years had been hell. And now, I know in advance that it will be hell again after you’re gone.“You’ll find someone you truly love. Learn from them. It’s not me. Truly love them, Jonghwa.”You were wrong. I may be uneducated, but I know my own feelings. This is love. Park Hajin, this is definitely love.“When I die, go abroad. Live happily abroad. Don’t do dangerous things like you did in Korea. Eat lots of delicious food. Swim in a pool with a cocktail at night, and go snorkeling during the day.”Right. I’ve never done any of those things, so I don’t know how fun they are. If we had met a little earlier, could we have done those things together? Even if we had met earlier, would you have loved me?“You’re the greatest gift I met before I died.”Funny. You’re the first gift I’ve ever received in my life.“Be with me when I die.”Do you remember the first request you made to me?Hoping to leave with a smile.The wish you wrote on the ribbon?I fulfilled both. I sent you off in my arms and forced myself to smile until you closed your eyes. I wonder if you knew that.“When I die, just be sad for one day, remember me for one day, love me for one day, and then forget me.”I’ll grant your last request too. I’m the only one in the world who can fulfill it. If I don’t do it, no one will.“Remember the last verse. After loving the dying, walk the path given to you. After I die, walk your path. Got it?”I loved the dying, so now I’ll walk the path given to me.Jonghwa slowly stood up. The grains of sand clinging to his clothes were blown away by the wind. The deserted beach was empty. Jonghwa, who had been staring at the waves crashing against the sand, slowly stepped towards the sea.The water, cold enough to chill to the bone, reached his waist. He thought he heard someone shouting in the distance. Jonghwa opened the lid of the precious urn he was holding and scattered the ashes into the sea. Some were carried away by the wind, and some sank into the water.I was supposed to scatter them abroad. But with my ignorance and lack of education, this was the best I could do. He let go of the now-empty urn and took one step, then another forward. The waves felt oddly comforting.“Let’s meet just once more in our next life. Reincarnation might be real. If it is, let’s meet just once more in our next life. Just once.”The water rose to his chin. A faint smile spread across Jonghwa’s face.“Let’s fall in love just once, freely.”He could almost hear Hajin’s voice in his ear. Jonghwa submerged his face in the water as if diving. He took a few more steps until the ground beneath his feet disappeared. And so, the two of them submerged together in the vast sea.Hajin was thirty-one. He had been given a terminal diagnosis, with only 180 days left to live.The death date he chose was December 31.It was January 8 when Hajin closed his eyes.Jonghwa lived just one day longer than Hajin. And he was very satisfied with that life.