carl@fire

"Okay, what do you have so far?"

"This one's super hard, Dad. Jen and I were reaaally trying to get it to work, but—"

"What's this loop do?"

"It takes all the DPS values and—"

"No, I mean what's it actually do. Because if I read it now, it looks like it just ends immediately at this conditional."

"Ohhhhhh. How'd I miss that!"

"Peer review is an important part of writing code, pumpkin."

"You always say that! But I did! I got Jen to read it, and she couldn't figure it out either!"

"Well, uh, it's… I mean, it's not always gonna find the problem immediately…"

"Zane's sooo jealous that you help me with—"

"Hold on, who's Zane?"

"Jen's boyfriend. I told you this last—"

"Jen has a boyfriend?"

"Yeah. Why're you making that face? Zane's pretty cool. Not cool enough to know what was wrong with my script, but—"

"Wait, wait, Zane was at the sleepover last night?"

"Dad, c'mon. Jen's dad follows him around the house any time he's there. He's not at all cool like you."

"Yeah, that…sounds very not-cool… So he wasn't there?"

"No, Jen sent him the script and he sent back a lot of crying emojis. I think…maybe he's not very good at writing code? He's a total noob compared to you, at least."

"How old is he?"

"Zane? He's our age. In Jen's Social Studies class, too."

"Huh."

"Don't worry, Dad, I'll never go out with a noob."

"Better not."

"What'd you say? Oh, while you're here, I had another idea for an addon…"

"What was it?"

"Well… Dad, why can't I just download addons and scripts other people write, anyway? You always—"

"Because only noobs use other peoples' addons and scripts when they're doing serious gaming, Bobby."

"But—"

"And isn't it more satisfying when you write it yourself?"

"I guess…"

"And don't your friends all think you're awesome because you write all the addons they use?"

"Yeah…"

"And your addons are pretty high-rated on those sites you post to, aren't they?"

"I never checked. How do you know?"

"Well, uh… They'd have to be, wouldn't they? You wrote 'em."

"I don't know, I just write stuff I need…"

"Why don't you check?"

"Okay. Lemme just… Where would it even be on here?"

"It's this list over there. See where it says 'Author Votes'?"

"Oh. Oh! Dad, I'm number three! I'm number three!"

"Three? I thought—I mean, wow, Bobby, that's great!"

"That's so cool! I gotta tell Jen and Monica! And everyone else in the guild too!"

"The guild, huh. So, uh, when you're playing with them, do you ever pretend to be your character?"

"What? You mean like role-playing? No way, my guild doesn't do that."

"Huh."

"But there's a lot of people who do. I was… I was PvPing a couple days ago, and there was this group of guys running around pretending to be priests for some god or goddess or whatever. They kept getting in the way, so we killed 'em a bunch. Noobs."

"Sounds like noobs. You, uh, remember the name of whatever thing they were supposed to be priests for?"

"Nah, I can't remember the details for all the noobs I'm stomping, Dad."

"Did you—"

"Of course I did the tactical crouching. You always ask me that!"

"Just making sure."

"What does it really mean, Dad? I asked some people in the guild and they laughed at me."

"Don't worry about it, pumpkin. You just tell those people you're gonna tactical crouch on them if they laugh at you again. And don't search for what it means or I'm not helping with your game coding anymore."

"Fiiine."

"What was your idea for that addon?"

"Oh yeah! So I was thinking because I'm getting higher level now I should make something to help optimize my XP gain so I can level faster. I'd—"

"What level are you now?"

"One twelve. Why?"

"Just curious. What, uh… What's the highest level you've ever seen?"

"Well, I was checking out the forum last week and I saw some guy got to three hundred and ninety. He just grinds all the time, I guess. Sounds super boring."

"There's no level cap?"

"Shouldn't you know this kinda stuff, Dad?"

"Uh…"

"You forgot, huh? You've got a really bad memory when it comes to game stuff, Dad."

"Sorry, pumpkin, your dad's not as young as he used to be."

"It's okay, I still love you, Dad. There's no level cap, it just starts taking forever once you get to like, one fifty."

"Huh. How long do you think it'd take to get to, I don't know, a thousand?"

"A thousand? Whoa, that'd be crazy! I don't even know… Maybe like, ten years?"

"Wait, wait, years as in years of playing the game?"

"Yeah, maybe longer, even. This guy who hit three ninety's been playing since release."

"That was…almost three years ago, wasn't it."

"Yup!"

"Huh. And, uh, what's your strength attribute at, out of curiosity?"

"You're reeeaaally interested in game stuff today, huh, Dad."

"Maybe a little."

"Awesome! Maybe we can play together sometime?"

"I don't know, Bobby, I'm really busy these days, and I don't want you to have to be carrying some noob around."

"You're not some noob, you're my dad!"

"Thanks, pumpkin. We'll play some day for sure, I promise."

"Really?"

"Definitely."

"Awesome. I can't wait! Oh, what'd you wanna know? Strength? I think I'm at like, a thousand? But I get a bunch from my gear."

"Oh. How much do you think someone would maybe have at, say, level sixteen hundred?"

"Sixteen hundred? Dad, is that even possible?"

"Uh, maybe? It's kind of a work thing…"

"Ohhh. I dunno, maybe like, a hundred thousand? I guess you'd start getting better gear because you could do some of the really hard bosses, but even that seems like it'd be really high."

"I see."

"That's cool to think about! If I was that strong, I could solo all the stuff we're fighting now!"

"Yeah, that'd be pretty cool. What, uh, what was the name of that place you were fighting bosses again?"

"Onyxfell. It's a new dungeon they just put in last expansion."

"Dungeon, huh. So it's not like, a city or anything?"

"No, that's just in the lore. It was a city, but something something now it's a dungeon."

"Something something, huh?"

"C'mon, Dad, you told me only noobs read the lore."

"Yeah, just testing."

"Dad!"

"You ever heard of, uh, Charus City?"

"I think so? It's like, waaayyyy far away from me. And I think it's super high level and—"

"Don't ever go there, pumpkin. That's a total noob trap."

"It is? How do you know?"

"I, uh, heard about it at a meeting. It's just a big trap. You get stuck and can't leave if you go there. It's how they keep the noobs out of all the other zones."

"Oh. Well, I'm not gonna go anywhere near there, then. Thanks, Dad!"

"You're welcome."

"It's so cool talking to you about game stuff like this. You don't usually listen this much."

"Sure, I do, pumpkin, I just… I've got a lot on my mind, and sometimes I've gotta think about a lot of things at once, that's all."

"Oh."

"But while we are talking about game stuff, I have another question."

"Okay! What do you wanna know?"

"That cool armor you were telling me about the other day—"

"The Sea God's set they're putting out in the next expansion?"

"Yeah, that—Wait, what do you mean, next expansion?"

"You know, the one you've been talking about rushing stuff for?"

"That's… Right, of course that's the next expansion. I was thinking about something else."

"You really do have a lot of stuff you're thinking about at once, huh, Dad."

"Yeah, that's for sure."

"The Sea God's set is so cool-looking from the teasers they put out. It's got that big dragon head on the chest, and there's those fin-things on the shoulders, and the helmet's got another little fin-thing, and then it's got that glow like bwowww—"

"Yeah, I've seen it around a bit at work. Playtesting."

"Whoa, awesome! I didn't even think it was gonna be something people could get!"

"Er, what?"

"Well, it looked like it was just on this giant underwater boss. And usually when it's gonna be an item you can use, they show you some of the stats. But they didn't with this, so I figured…"

"Don't tell anyone, okay, Bobby? It's supposed to be a secret."

"Okay, Dad! Anything else you wanna know?"

"Nope, that's it. Let's get back to that addon you were thinking of…"