carl@fire

"What do you believe I should do?" Mina asked.

Carl was too furious to even formulate a reply. His breathing was heavy, his jaw was clenched, and he felt the genuine urge to do violence, wishing he hadn't let that fucking kid get away in one piece a few minutes earlier. He struggled to force himself to think over what had just happened in order to give an answer instead of charging out of the building with his spear to make good on his earlier threat.

Carl had just finished adding his latest notes to his to-do list in his home directory. He read through it again.

brightness

load times

lock jonathan's accounts

annie's haircut

haptics good

tutorial npc content policy violation!

check w/ bobby make sure no m. content

raise npc m. content violation to management

seriously! linda wtf this npc!

unescaped db query? static analyze for data type overflow? wtf these flags for?

don't move characters to inescapable locations

no blinding fish!

check+enable homedir housekeeping script

policy for homedir cleanups?

weird system delay at 1:37 on thursdays

fix stupid cobblestones, that's not how roads work

check for parent lock on account for m. content

good coffee/bread

ffs Roger why I gotta pee in game

He frowned as he stared at the console he'd opened in the small bathr—water closet. Can probably delete a few of these since Ir'alith wasn't an NPC. Man, I can't believe I was wrong about that. So messed up. He deleted the sixth, eighth, and ninth items. Yeah, much better.

He logged out of his open shells, the only way he could dismiss his dev mode keyboard in such a small room. Feels cooler to chuck it away.

"Inventory," he called.

He scrolled through the pages, stopping when he reached a certain one as a related memory surfaced.

"You get the potions I sent you?" Bobby asked.

"What's that, pumpkin?" Carl asked as his car stopped at a traffic light. He blinked, turning off the display of his work phone in the process.

"I told you I was gonna switch and be an alchemist, Dad," his younger daughter huffed.

"Oh. Yeah, right, I remember now. How's that going?"

"You'd know if you checked your messages," she said, still sulking in the passenger seat with her arms crossed.

"Daddy's been a little too busy to play games at work lately, Bobby."

"Oh. Sorry, Dad."

"It's okay, sweetie, that's just part of being a grownup. So, you're an alchemist now, huh? No more tailoring?"

"Yup! That tracker addon you maaaybe helped me with a tiny bit made leveling suuuper quick! Jen and I got all the ingredients in just a few hours. We had to stop to camp some noobs who were calling us names—"

"Did you do it like I told you?"

"You mean the tactical crouching? Yeah, we did it. I still don't get what's so tactical about it, though."

"Don't worry about that, pumpkin. Just make sure you do it any time you have to PvP, okay?"

"How do you even know what PvP is, Dad?"

"Your dad invented PvP, Bobby. But don't tell your mother."

"Why not?"

"Because you promised you weren't gonna PvP anymore, didn't you."

"But Dad—"

"Don't worry, pumpkin, I understand. Can't let the noobs win."

"You're the coolest dad ever. All my friends say so, too. Hey, why're you turning up the AC?"

"Can't be the coolest dad without the AC on full blast if it's this hot out, Bobby."

Carl looked over all the potions his daughter had sent him several weeks earlier. Why the heck are there so many of these? Is there even a reason to have all of them? "In case you need 'em," she said. When would I even need—What's this one…

He pulled out one of many small vials containing a glowing, purplish-black substance. "Inspect."

Potion of Nightvision

Duration: 8 hours

Improves vision in absence of light.

Carl stared, trying to imagine a use for it. Maybe if I was gonna go mining or something really deep in a cave? Weren't there glowy rocks on the walls in the shop here, though? Why wouldn't I just carry one of those around?

He replaced that one, then pulled out a second.

Elixir of Haste

Duration: 32 hours

Improves action speed significantly.

Significantly? How is that supposed to be a measurement? Do I turn into the Flash? Can I run a hundred meter dash in under ten seconds? Do I become unbeatable at rock-paper-scissors? Greg, Linda, whoever's doing this, get it together. Players need details. This is almost as bad as Roger's feeble attempt at cobblestones.

He tossed the green potion back into his inventory. Still so many others. I should go through 'em all at some point if I'm stuck in here for long enough. I kinda just threw everything Bobby sent me in here without checking out what it did.

A sigh escaped his lips as his thoughts turned in another direction. Ugh, Sammy's never gonna forgive me for missing her game. I mean, it's not entirely my fault, but I still feel awful. I should've been there!

Nobody cheers louder than Carl Weathers…

He frowned as his mood continued to spiral downwards. Really feels like someone should've noticed by now. I know the GMs aren't gonna be able to help with this, but I may as well… "Keyboard." He adjusted its height and then started composing a note. Let's see. "Hi, I'm Carl Weathers from IT on the main campus. Got locked in the game and can't log out, anything someone there can do to help out?" Good enough. Now just feed it into expedite.sh and—

A status window appeared immediately.

Report received!

Your report cannot be acted upon.

Please submit reports only for:

• Abuse of system exploits

• Assistance with issue reporting

For interpersonal conflicts, please consult the Conflict Resolution guide using the Conflict Resolution voice command.

-Raye, World Master

Carl sighed deeply. Yup, I knew it. Still remember when I had to fix that cron job with the stale tickets and was poking around to see what some of them were like. Outsourced, strict rules, everything referred to Conflict Resolution if it's not an exploit. What the heck even is that?

Another few seconds passed while he mused about the stupidity of things, then he dismissed the window and again logged out of his terminal to dismiss his keyboard. I can't beat myself up about this too much while I'm in here. I'll be depressed enough once I get out. He tried to will himself into a reality where those thoughts were enough to wipe away his sadness from missing his oldest daughter's first time starting in a high school basketball game at the varsity level, but it was ineffective.

Another related memory came to the fore.

"I've gotta work on my layups, Dad," Sammy called over her shoulder as they marched out on the driveway towards the basketball hoop he'd put up in the turnaround. She dribbled casually with her left hand as she walked. "I'm gonna run up to the basket, and you pass me the ball as I go by, 'kay?"

Carl nodded, adjusting the orientation of his work phone in the pocket of his shorts. "You got it, Sammy. We'll do a hundred to start."

His daughter let out an annoyed sigh and tipped her head back. "Daaad! C'mon, be serious!"

"No, my name's Carl."

"DAD!"

He grinned a little. Yeah, never a bad time for a good dad joke.

Alright, no point in moping around too much now. Plenty of time for that later. Don't wanna be rude to the one mostly-reasonable person I've met here. I'll definitely make it up to Sammy somehow when I get out. Which has to happen soon. Annie's not the type to let something like this go.

He flipped through the pages of his inventory until he reached the page he was looking for. Fishing spear. But why is it a spear? Just doesn't make any sense. And it's so big, too. Can I even get it out of here?

Carl glanced up, remembering how he'd nearly hit his head on the doorway coming in. I guess I'll just do it right outside and make it look like I'm pulling it out of here? Being in character for stuff like this is so annoying. Don't want that Inquisition guild to start keeping an eye on me in case I'm stuck here for a while. Gaming is way too complicated these days.

He unlocked the door and pulled It open, then stepped out into the back part of the coffeehouse. Glancing around first to ensure that nobody was carefully watching him—and, frankly, not caring overly much if they were at that exact moment—he reached into his inventory and pulled out the Fishing Spear of the Sea God.

"Dismiss," he muttered, closing the massive, translucent game window and leaving him bathed in green light. She'll probably get a kick out of how ridiculous this thing is. He started walking back towards the table he'd been sharing with his new, engineering-inclined friend. Oh, one of her friends stopped by?

A brown-haired young man, his character's age seeming roughly around that of Mina's, sat opposite her in the booth. He was leaning forward with…

Carl frowned, feeling his paternal instincts flare. I know that look. If I saw a guy looking at Sammy like that, I'd be reaching for my gun. If I owned a gun. But now I'm in-game, and I have a really, really big spear. He strolled towards the table as quietly as he could, aided by his bare feet which made no noise on the wood floor, and held his spear slightly behind him so it would be slightly less eye-catching, which seemed not to matter since the young man seemed to have his attention entirely captured. Yeah, that guy looks like a total prick. But maybe that's her character's boyfriend or something…

He took a slightly wider angle so he could approach the table from the side, in the process catching sight of Mina's bloodless, wide-eyed face.

Whoa, okay, she's having a panic attack; I'd recognize it anywhere after dating Christina. That's not being in character—I didn't even know character models could show that kind of fear. Well, I guess it's not like I've really played with anyone else, but still, that's messed up, Roger.

Carl sucked in a deep breath. Not like we're super close, but she's been cool. Helpful, too. Not like I'm gonna leave her here like that after she drove me across the city to get some of the best coffee I've ever had, either. And I guess I can't totally let go of how she looks like she's only a few years older than Sammy, even if she speaks and carries herself like she's way older.

He strode forward, crossing the room in two large steps. He thunked the point of his spear into the floor with the intent of making a loud noise to startle the guy that he, as a father, had an immediate, instinctual dislike of.

His spear crunched through the floorboards with ease, then penetrated some distance into the concrete beneath. Dammit, Roger! You have assets and code for a fully functional toilet—and the freaking need to pee—but you can't spend five freaking minutes getting the strength of floors right in the noob zone?

He'd been maintaining the scowl on his face with a fair amount of ease just based on the knowledge that Mina was obviously terrified, but now he was genuinely feeling some anger from the combination.

"It seems the lady is displeased with your presence," he said in the voice that he'd been secretly practicing for the exact moment his older daughter brought her first boy—or girl, because Carl was keeping an open mind—home, recorded and played back endlessly to find just the right amount of menace without seeming over-the-top.

The brown-haired, clean-shaven, pasty-faced young man stared up at him in overt surprise, his stare alternating between Carl's face and his massive spear but lingering for far longer on the latter.

Being in-game for this is way better; I can't outright threaten some kid in the real world. And from how scared she looks, this guy needs to leave now. "I'm willing to be lenient this time," Carl continued. "Leave at once. Otherwise, you can leave your…" he paused for a moment while he considered the appropriate body part to threaten, feeling very much in sync with his "character" at that moment. Head feels right, but probably too aggressive for a city. Perfect for my character, though, and for how I'm feeling right now. "Head," he finished, moving his gaze deliberately to take in the top of the kid's head.

Mina slumped in her seat, sucking in a deep breath.

Carl's scowl intensified as he fully took in the state of the young woman—the girl who looked to be only a couple years older than his eldest daughter, with even the same color hair and fair features—noting her wide, watering eyes, her trembling hands, and her bloodless face. It was now more than obvious that this wasn't being "in character", and such things escaped his mind for the moment.

Carl was now beyond anger. He was fucking furious.

So this is what she meant by people "wasting" her time? That guys are harassing her? I thought my dad-sense was tingling a little when she was talking about that. Might be a noob in-game, but my dad skills aren't something anyone's gonna want to fuck with, game or not.

"He's one of them?" Carl asked, speaking more loudly as he met Mina's watery eyes. "One of those wasting your time?"

Mina nodded, looking up at him with pleading eyes.

Carl nodded back in an attempt to reassure her. He twisted the shaft of his spear as he glared with all of his dad powers at the kid who was bothering this terrified girl who could almost have been one of his daughters. "Choose," he said in a quieter tone. "You gonna leave here in one piece or two?"

Gratifyingly, Carl felt, his dad powers of intimidation seemed to be effective in-game. The young man gulped, and it was clear that he was very much regretting the decisions that had led him to this point.

If this was the real world, I'd have to call parents, talk things out, maybe call police if it got bad enough… This is way better.

Then an elf wearing a pink collar popped her head up in the seat next to the young man.

Carl blinked, his scowl momentarily disrupted by his surprise. Only for a moment, though.

"Tomas," the elf said in a whiny voice while smiling, "what's wrong?"

These people with the collars are getting on my nerves. I get that there's a lot of people with weird fetishes, but at least read the fucking mood. "I think Tomas is feeling an intense need to be elsewhere," he said, narrowing his eyes slightly to intensify his glare.

Tomas made no move to leave.

Carl took it as an indication that he hadn't yet achieved the effect he was aiming for. "Isn't that right, boy?" he asked in the same quiet voice, pressing his spear farther down into the stupidly-fragile concrete. The crack it produced was intensely satisfying, but it simultaneously infuriated him to an even greater degree.

"Y-yes, Sir!" Tomas finally snapped, nodding as quickly as he could while trying to escape from the booth. He tripped, and Carl's lip curved up in disgust when he realized the boy's pants were unfastened and had gotten entangled with his legs. When he thought about it again now, the elf's appearance from under the table in the current circumstances seemed like the perfect reason to test out just how powerful his so-called Fishing Spear of the Sea God was.

Unfortunately for that idea, after an embarrassing, high-pitched shriek, Tomas fled towards the front of the shop, stumbling and staggering as he struggled to pull his pants up.

I wonder how far I could throw this? Carl glanced down at his spear, ignoring whatever the elf was trying to say as she caught up to—

Carl took a deep breath. Wow, I really went full dad mode. He blinked, then glanced back.

Mina was still shaking in her seat, her eyes wide with fright.

What the hell did he say to her? She… Well, if she were my daughter I'd say she needs a hug, but let's dial it back a bit. Carl sat down once again on his side of the booth, ignoring the gawking of the rest of the patrons. I mean, maybe she had it under control somehow? Seems unlikely, but…

He looked across the table, and his parental instincts again flared at the sight of the frail-looking young woman. "Looked like you needed a little bit of a rescue there," he said. "Sorry if you had it under control or whatever, but…" he trailed off, unsure exactly what to say in the current situation to the person who was not his daughter.

Mina snuffled noisily, then dabbed at the corners of her eyes with her sleeve. "No, not at all," she said, still sounding miserable. "My thanks, Carl. I… I'm not sure what I would have done if you hadn't arrived when you did."

"Well, you probably wouldn't have been here to begin with," Carl said, trying to lighten the mood a little. If I hadn't been such a coffee zombie I would've suggested we go somewhere else right away. I feel kinda bad about that now that I think of it. "You okay?"

The young woman sitting across from him, now seeming more like the girl her character appeared to be, nodded a little, then seemed to catch herself. She shook her head frantically. "No," she said in a small, quavering voice, "no, I'm not."

Hoo boy. "Wanna talk about it?" he asked in the same tone he used when one of his daughters had been moping around the house too much. "No pressure or anything, but I've been told I'm a pretty good listener when I want to be." They always talk eventually.

Mina froze. She stared at him for a while as though appraising him.

Carl raised his eyebrows a little, leaning forward to let her know he was there if she wanted to—

"Did you know," Mina said abruptly, "that the nickname of Charus City is the City of Lust?"

Carl blinked at the non sequitur. "Like, the nickname for the whole city?"

"The entire city."

Carl frowned. Even near the entrance? Where's she going with—

"A number of humanity's largest cities have nicknames of this sort," Mina continued. "Onyxfell in the Stadal Empire, for example, is also known as the City of Wrath. Or Gatterpoint Harbor in the Daggaekha Republic—the City of Greed. Perhaps you notice a pattern just from this?"

Carl nodded slowly. And aside from the obvious, the name Onyxfell sounds vaguely familiar. Can't remember if it's from something Bobby said or something I heard at work, though. "I'm guessing the pink collars and leashes are part of it?"

Mina nodded in return. "The nicknames correlate to the interests of the ruling class for each city."

I guess that answers my question about whether sex works in-game. I'm starting to see why our player base is so huge. Definitely need to double check that parental lock on Bobby's account. I know Annie's not gonna miss something like that, but—

"That man, Tomas," she continued, crossing her arms as she shuddered slightly, "is very wealthy."

"Like, he's actually wealthy?" Carl asked in a curious tone.

Mina nodded. "Oh, yes. His family is one of the most wealthy in the entire world."

"Huh." So that was some bigshot's kid?

"He's been…courting me for quite some time now," Mina said, grimacing.

"Like, actually courting?" Carl asked, trying to—

"Yes, Carl, actually courting," Mina said with a sigh, staring off wistfully into nowhere. "Being that I'm eighteen years old, I am a girl of a marriageable age, you know."

Carl's thoughts ground to a halt, and his mouth formed an O. Oops.

"And…" The girl sitting across from him frowned, bringing her clasped hands up onto the table. "Foolish as it may seem, I had always kept some hope that I might meet…" She sighed again, then raised her hands to her neck and began to carefully unwrap the white scarf-y accessory that Carl couldn't for the life of him remember the name of.

Mina leaned forward as she pulled the ends aside for a moment.

Carl stared at what was obviously a mark from being recently strangled. "Who did this?" he asked quietly, looking up into Mina's eyes, all thoughts of game and real disappearing.

"The man I've been betrothed to by my father," she said without blinking.

"And Tomas just now?" Carl asked, feeling his anger returning with substantially greater intensity.

"He saw the two of us together here," she said slowly, beginning to retie her accessory around her neck, adjusting the ends to once again cover the hand-shaped bruise. "He intended to extort me for…" She went silent for a moment, her gaze dropping. Then she seemed to regain her vigor. "It's the City of Lust, Carl," she said quietly, her eyes burning with obvious rage.

"How? What could he…"

Mina leaned in over the table and gestured him to do the same. "He threatened to inform my mother," she whispered. "She would surely destroy my steamcar, my notes, my designs." Her lips trembled. "I know that may sound trivial, but there are days when such hobbies are the only joys I have."

Carl scowled. "She'd believe him over her own—"

"When I showed this to my mother today," Mina said, pointing to her neck, "she told me it wasn't severe enough to bother taking any action against him."

Carl's hands gripped the table tightly, willing it to crack or break to relieve some tiny fragment of his anger. That's inhuman. Who would treat their little girl that way? Mina seems so nice, too.

"So now that you know," Mina said, leaning forward a little farther, "I want you to give me your opinion, Carl: am I being too fussy if I say I'm upset?"

His expression hardened further. "No. Did someone say that to you?"

"One of my sisters. Is it not a problem so long as it doesn't happen to you?"

"Who told you that?" he asked through clenched teeth.

"Another of my sisters. Do you believe I have any obligation to the man I'm to wed?"

Carl felt his blood boiling as he remembered the vivid handprint around her neck. "No."

"Last question…"