carl@fire

He picked up the Authoritative Core. "Hello?"

There was the sound of a long breath being drawn in, after which the cave was filled with the screeching of an incredibly fast-talking, high-pitched voice that said: "I’ll start this review with a warning to prospective readers: this story has a ton of rape the villains are all rape happy almost every chapter has a description of sexual assault or enslavement and its handled with all the sophistication of a man slipping on a banana peel moreover in this story while the good women don’t want to be raped bad women enjoy it we literally get the viewpoint of a woman who is forcibly sodomized until her anus rips and bleeds but not only is she fine with this considers the person who did it a real man and wants to marry her daughter to him the strange thing is that half this time this is a wacky anime-like comedy where a dense mc has been trapped in a video game world with his admin powers but spends his time bumbling around thinking that every person he meets is a dedicated role-player the main character carl is a married 49-year-old it admin for a vrmmo who gets trapped inside when his boss removes his ability to log out the system used has no life-support function and the mc is completely alone in an office building on a friday evening he is momentarily irritated about possibly wetting himself before deciding to just enjoy his game time that would work in a wacky comedy with a teenage mc or if the boss was instead a college-age frat boy stupidly playing a dangerous joke on his buddy carl is almost 50 and the narrative emphasizes that he’s a responsible adult with a family that his boss has left him paralyzed and in danger of dying of dehydration should be treated with some seriousness there’s this tension in the story in that the author wants to bring up more serious and mature subjects but doesn’t know how to handle them carl has gone to AA (alcoholics anonymous) previously but the flashback where we’re shown his problem is him just sipping at a can of beer and thinking how tasty tasty it is it’s addiction by way of homer simpson humans in this vr world have enslaved elves and use them sex slaves this means human nobles literally parade them naked around town with a leash and chain around their neck it’s slavery by way of some bdsm porn on redtube we’re introduced to an older human man in this world who was a soldier for three decades we’re given another flashback to him watching an elven town burn as soldiers murder innocents and it psychologically damages him he has to leave the army and losses faith in humanity and the gods this is great stuff then he meets the mc fawns over his nice clothing and cool weapon and regains his love of life after a three-minute conversation where the mc gives him a single compliment all that bitterness and pain is just wiped away by being near the awesome carl i vomited in my mouth a little watching that play out the story is well-written the author has a great command of the language a strong voice and is able to keep scene after scene interesting and engaging the use of multiple viewpoints works it does a good job of pulling you in and keeping you hitting that next chapter button i believe the author has a wonderful novel in them but this is not it edit: had to drop this a star as the novel continues the author spends more and more time on his incoherent rants and 'performance art' pretty poor cover for the fact that he doesn't know what he's doing or where the story is going at some point i hope he turns his talents toward writing a good story instead of this extended ego-tripping."

Carl stared at the latest core as the ringing in his ears died down. After he regained his bearings, he glared. Only caught a few words out of that, but I don't see why anyone would feel like they need to make fun of my alcoholism. What, it wasn't epic or momentous enough to fit your stupid idea of how things should be? When's the last time you were addicted to anything but the sound of your own voice?

He felt himself breathing harder and took a moment to calm down before throwing the core that probably wasn't authoritative about anything at all back into his inventory. Some people just don't have a clue. Not a single freaking clue. He considered it more deeply. Pretty sure that had to be an NPC, though. Must've read my mind like that illusion spell from earlier. Just as well; easier to think that was just some mindless NPC with a programming issue than a real person saying things that spiteful. Can't go getting worked up over something like this when I'm trying to relax.

"What did you find wrong with that one?" Seth'tith asked. "It seemed to possess an enduring, humble strength, unlike those who flaunt their power openly."

"I feel like that was directed at me," Carl said, turning his head to look over at the axe, which seemed to be giving him a judging look.

"No, I merely stated my appraisal."

"Uh-huh." Carl picked up the Peerless Core. "Hey, what—"

"You dare?" the core shouted.

"Uhhh…"

"You have eyes but cannot see Mount Tai! I have already cultivated—"

"Hold on, what are you cultivating?" Carl asked.

The core went silent.

"I am also curious," Seth'tith chimed in. "You are a dungeon core. How can—"

"I have already reached the peak of the divine master realm!" the core shouted. "I can create medicinal pills—"

"Wait, wait, now you're a medical core?" Carl asked, growing even more confused. "I thought you were talking about mountain climbing just now, and then it was farming before that—"

"Yes, this was my understanding as well," Seth'tith agreed.

The core made a coughing sound, and a trickle of red liquid flowed out of it.

"Did… Did you just cough up blood on me?" Carl asked, trying to shake his hand off so the core's blood wouldn't get on his new recliner that he really wished he could have in his house.

"My cultivation has suffered a deviation," the core said, continuing to cough.

Carl chucked it into his inventory. "That one was pretty weird." Definitely NPCs. That's a relief, I can't imagine people actually logging on to sit in a metal box. That's just too far.

"You must question them differently," Seth'tith said, sounding vaguely annoyed.

Carl looked over again at the new companion he'd unwittingly agreed to be saddled with. "I think I know enough about interviewing to—"

"I will question the next one," Seth'tith interrupted testily.

"Fine, fine," Carl said, not wanting to get into it with some crotchety old man who had probably been helicopter parenting before it even had a name. He picked up another brown one.

"Hello?" called a young woman's voice.

"I am Seth'tith, former king of the demonfolk, consort to Ira'unne, father of Ir'alith," Seth'tith bellowed, jumping into whatever role-playing character he usually played as. "What capabilities do you—"

"Hey, you don't have to be such a jerk!" the core said in an overbearing tone. "Why don't you calm down a bit, and we can try that again like adults."

Carl struggled not to laugh.

"What capabilities do you possess as a dungeon core?" Seth'tith asked, seeming to be barely restraining his irritation.

"Well, I can cook a mean pizza, and spaghetti, and hamburgers—Oh, and ice cream! Everybody loves ice cream, right?"

"I have no interest in food," Seth'tith snapped.

"What about drinks?" the core asked. "I've got blue juice, and—"

"Blue juice?" Seth'tith asked, somehow intrigued.

"Yeah! It tastes like blueberries um, except more orange. Not as sweet. It's good, I promise!"

Carl remained laser-focused on his task of picking out dungeon cores, but it seemed that Seth'tith was growing distracted.

"And you can create this drink?" the axe asked, as though it was capable of consuming beverages.

"Yup!"

Seth'tith was silent for a moment. "What of your combat potential? What manner of traps and devices are you capable of crafting?"

"Why can't we just get along?" the core wheedled. "We can invite everyone in, and I'll have the players put on a play—we've got Macbeth now—and we can talk—"

"That is not the purpose of a dungeon!" Seth'tith shouted, seeming to have realized that he'd gotten distracted. "Are you truly a dungeon core? All you speak of is friendship! And food!"

"Oh, I know!" the core exclaimed as though it hadn't heard him. "We can call the dungeon the wandering dungeon! Isn't that a cool name?"

"Ah, so you would remain evasive, with traps that prey upon the unwary?" Seth'tith said, seeming appreciative of the concept.

"What? No! No preying upon anyone! We can talk it—"

"Carl, I have failed," Seth'tith admitted with the sound of reluctance heavy in his voice as the core launched into a lecture about how fighting was wrong.

Carl threw the core into his inventory. "You did the best you could," he said charitably.

"I apologize. I grew distracted by a beverage which reminded me of my wife," Seth'tith said.

"It's fine," Carl sighed, feeling hesitant to pick out another of the cores. "How are these things so weird?" He picked up another core.

There was silence for a minute, and Carl felt the tension building. "Hello?" he said at last.

The core croaked.

You've gotta be… "Inspect."

Name: Amphibian Core

Carl stopped reading and chucked the core into his inventory. "This is really gonna take a while."