Beers and Beards Book 3: The Big Brewhaha

From the Diary of Peter Roughtuff

5th Day of the 1st Month, 8000, Greetings from the past!

Hello Diary!

I’m back! I haven’t written in a long time because, well, I’ve been happy talking with my friends and living life. When I’m not stuck in a reform mine, I don’t have much time to do stuff like write long form in a book.

But with everything going on, I figured I’d put some things down for posterity. For my eventual grandchildren to look back on! That, or collect evidence for when someone finds my body beard down in an alley.

Call me sappy. Call me sentimental. Call me corny.

Just don’t call me late for dinner.

6th Day of the 1st Month, 8000: Also, don’t call me Shirley.

The Octamillenial is in full swing, and now that things are calmer with the brewery, I’m actually going out and enjoying things.

I checked out some of the other Octamillenial contests today, like the cooking contest and blacksmithing competition, and there was some crazy stuff. Flaming swords, incendiary muffins, weird alloys made with combinations of monster parts and fantasy metals, and one blacksmith who was using a complicated piece of gnomish engineering to run his entire forge.

That one had a picket line outside of it. The local blacksmith’s guild was very, deeply unhappy about the loss of jobs and apprenticeship opportunities afforded by the setup. They claimed it was undwarven, unfair, and unbelievable.

It was bucking tradition enough that I had to wonder if the [Blacksmith] was another Chosen. I resolved to check it out.

We still haven’t had a similar protest outside of our tavern. We have had a few hardliners show up and swear up a storm before getting the toss, and even a noble at one point. The noble had been a touch and go until Opal’d come running over and handled it. We were lucky that she was there.

I don’t really know what I want to do about it. Liquid gold and barista brew seem to be flying under the radar, with barista brew especially gaining some very staunch defenders. Ass-Blaster continues to be the sticking point, and I suspect any attempts at introducing radlers will be as well. Nobody’s buying New Brew, and we’re considering removing it from the menu.

Hard choices.

8th Day of the 1st Month, 8000: Spy Kids.

My crack spy team, one Bando Digger joined by Penelope, reported no unusual Blessing activity or odd behaviours from the aforementioned Blacksmith or his apprentices. Apparently he’s been doing similar stuff in his smithy in a small town south of Kinshasa for over 100 years.

Probably not a Chosen then. Just a genius, or kook.

10th Day of the 1st Month, 8000: Spy Kids.

There was a Dungeon Break at Deepcore Dungeon. A lot of injuries and destroyed houses, but enough adventurers were around that nobody died. Richter went out to help heal the wounded.

A lot of angry muttering in the tavern tonight…

12th Day of the 1st Month, 8000: Brewing’s a Racket.

We cracked open the Umqombothi and then racked it. I really didn’t want to contaminate our bottle racking system, so we just stuck some barrels under the tap. Sure, there would be some oxidation, but we were just going to drink it all right away.

It tasted… fine. Since it doesn’t use a bittering agent it was way better than the regular Sacred Brew – to me, anyway. It was pretty sour, with an aftertaste cornier than my sense of humour. The crew didn’t like it - they claimed it was mouth-puckering, and Penelope refused to drink more – a death sentence for Thirsty Goat beer. Interestingly, Whistlemop adored it, as did every other gnome that tried it. I sent the recipe to Copperpot to add to our gnomish subsidiary brews. They’re planning an incredibly garish pink, green, and yellow bottle label, and want Raspberrysyrup to launch it to finally tie them together.

His loss. The umqombothi was an absolute horrorshow to clean out of the brewing works, even with elemental labour.

15th Day of the 1st Month, 8000: What’re ya buyin’?

A shadowy figure all bundled up in rags approached me at the bar today.

While I was wondering whether to attack first or see what he was selling, he leaned in conspiratorially and asked if I was willing to read over his Secret Brew recipe. He’d heard through the grapevine (probably from a fellow I taught in Gemena) that I was willing to help illicit brewers learn how to brew.

I read over his journal and took some notes; several of his chosen ingredients were ones I suspected went into the Sacred Brew’s bittering agent. Then I gave him some advice, taught him about oxidation and the importance of cleanliness, then snuck some Ancestral Seed into a jar for him and sent him on his way.

Vive la beer-volution, one crusty jar at a time!

16th Day of the 1st Month, 8000: Espionage

I’ve been scoping out the competition with Johnsson and Richter this week. That’s right, we’ve been on a Kinshasa wide pub crawl! Woooo! There are thirty-two breweries in town competing to win, each from one of the major cities in Crack.

Thus far I’ve actually been impressed. Every single competitor seems to be putting their all into it. Did Barck have a hand in this? Or another Chosen? I really do need to keep an eye on everyone involved.

There were a few standouts, like Comeuppance Brewing, Shimmering Golden Brews, and Southern Crack Ale.

Riverside Brewery, which was the winner of the Kinshasa contest, was especially good. Their beer had that crisp tang that I associated with a good brew, and they even had something other than Sacred Brew or Light Brew! They called it their Darkwater Brew, and it’s a dark malt beer! They didn’t use dark umber erdroot, so they must roast regular erdroot until it’s darker than usual before milling.

It tasted smokey, and had a fairly astringent aftertaste. I didn’t really like it, but I had friends back on Earth who would have loved it.

17th Day of the 1st Month, 8000: Annie are you OK?

Annie finished her first experimental batch of brew with a new bittering agent.

Poor, poor Annie.

Somehow she made Sacred Brew taste even worse.

We held a funeral for the batch and then dumped it.

I won’t be surprised if there are reports about dead fish downstream.

She’s going to keep trying. Good luck!

18th Day of the 1st Month, 8000: Dagnabbit

Raspberrysyrup did a big concert yesterday.

A big country concert. And the audience LOVED it. Aqua co-starred as her bumpkin, or whatever the hell the kids are calling it these days.

I weep for the future of dwarven kind.

Amethyst says that people have started to twig to Berry’s magic displays being something… special. They were approached by Archis Academy the other day, asking for Berry to present her findings. I hope for Berry’s sake that things stay cordial.

20th Day of the 1st Month, 8000: Wrestlemania

I went to watch some wrestling with Johnsson and Richter.

Honestly, I felt like a bit of a third wheel, but it was still fun!

The Kinshasa ring is amazing, and would be right at home at the WWE. Though there was a lot more fire than I expected, like the flaming moat around the ring!

It was awesome. My new favourite wrestler is Dwarf Draconis. He’s a burly redbearded easterner who wears a dragon mask and not much else. He looks like a luchadore, and his flying lariat literally flies. Muah! Muy excellente! I’d buy him a Corona if it existed, but made do with sending him a keg of liquid gold.

Oh, and I’ve decided to start referring to the wrestlers as Luchadorfs now. Nyuck!

21st Day of the 1st Month, 8000: Taxman

I’m pretty sure that the Beatles’ legal arm can’t reach me in another world, but I won’t take any chances, so insert Taxman lyrics here.

Annie and I got our auditors, one each, and it went… more boring than last time. I already knew what to expect, and our finances had just poured over in preparation for construction of the tavern.

A pair of dwarves in severe black armor with silver accents came in, swept through our paperwork, scanned everything with the same [Auditor] Abilities Silverpan had – like [Sense Error] – then swept back out.

I was already fully paid up. Huzzah!

Annie owes an extra 600 gold. I’m thinkin’ of avoiding her for the rest of the month.

23rd Day of the 1st Month, 8000: It finally happened

Annie and I went to present our new brewroom apparati to the Brewer’s Guild, and things got a bit out of hand. Half the guild loves the idea of bottles, and of Kinshasa beer lasting long enough to get to Eastern Crack, and the other half… really hates our guts.

Which was surprising, since I thought we’d get zero to start. Malt did great work getting people on our side, but our biggest supporters were Master Brewer Blunt and Master Brewer Schist from Riverside Brewery. The Kinshasa Octamillenial champion was firmly in my camp, and not afraid to threaten the wrath of Barck on anyone that tried to threaten Innovation. He and Malt’s seniority played a big part in shutting everyone up, and it’s been annoying me all day. All you have to do is live 700 years and suddenly everybody just does what you say??

Well, not everybody. We’ve had about a dozen oniony codgers in black yelling outside our doors for a couple hours now. Hopefully they get bored and go away soon.

24th Day of the 1st Month, 8000: Is this illegal?

Two more cloaked dwarves showed up today asking me to look over their brews and beg for some of my Seed. If only they were a pair of lovely bearded ladies instead! Hah!

25th Day of the 1st Month, 8000: Super Secret Shopper

I’m almost positive that the super secret judges for the first round of the Octamillenial contests came for a visit. It seems that City Hall doesn’t really do subterfuge that well, or at least the arm running the contests doesn’t. We had a visit from a trio of very somber individuals in those pinstripe gangster suits the nobles favour. They ordered one of every beer, then sat in a corner. They grimly took a few sips from each tankard in turn and wrote down notes that they kept carefully hidden.

That didn’t last long. Aqua reported that one of them went nuts over the Liquid Gold, and excitedly yelled at his companions that we were “a shoe-in”, “easy gold”, and “exactly what they were looking for.”

So they were either bookies, or we just made it into the second round of the brewing contest.

Maybe both.

27th Day of the 1st Month, 8000: Playin’ tha Bando

Bando got arrested last night. We paid his fines, but he’s going to have to do several days of community service.

Apparently he and his friend Mica – newly arrived from Gemena with a contingent of firebrands – had done a bit of… redecorating in one of Redwall’s parks. Namely, they hung posters up everywhere decrying the use of tax funds to trim hedges while people starved just outside of Yellowwall.

According to Bando it was ‘for’ that Harmsson fellow, though they were never officially ordered to do it. Plausible deniability or youthful overenthusiasm, you decide.

We let Rosie handle it.

And honestly… I kind of agreed with the sentiment. Though I was seeing Rosie and Sam’s point about the dangers of getting involved in politics.

29th Day of the 1st Month, 8000: Shook.

I’m still in shock.

Master Brewer Schist of Riverside Brewery came by today. He welcomed us to Kinshasa, left us a few kegs of his own beers, and handed me a small barrel of LAGER YEAST!

Then he sauntered back out, but not before chasing away the grey-robed journeyman brewers who’ve been protesting outside for the past week.

As I write this, Annie is sitting beside me just staring into space. She’s going to be the first Goldstone ever to brew Light Brew!

Our new setup is more than capable of doing lagers, since the liquid gold requires the same setup. All we were missing was the proper yeast, and now we have it! Thanks be to Barck and Brewer Schist!

31st Day of the 1st Month, 8000: A New Era

Annie’s latest batch of bittering agents is actually… good! It’s not hops, but I might kind-of-sort-of like it, and more importantly so does everyone else in the brewery! We’re thinking we’ll use it for the next phase of the contest as our secret weapon!

It tastes like freshly cut grass going down, with an aftertaste that reminds me of regular Sacred Brew, but less ass. It’s no hops, but it’ll do for now!

We celebrated like crazy, and I finally completed my More Brews quest. It got me some stats AND it counted as a Milestone as well! Hard to believe I’ve only managed to create eight new drinks by now, though I know some didn’t count, like the brew that shall not be named.

Only a few dozen thousand left on my dwarven influencer quest too!!!

Things are definitely moving along.

1st Day of the 2nd Month, 8000: The fix…

… is in.

WE’RE in! And Bran is in too! The first round of the Octamilenial is done, and the Thirsty Goat is one of the sixteen selected Breweries and Restaurants!!! I completed my quest, and got the next tier too! Hallelujah, we won! Ha ha!!! See you in the quarter-finals, suckers!!!