Beers and Beards: A Cozy Dwarf Tale

“You don’t understand! He’s lyin’ to you all!”

Guilt.

“He’s been insultin’ everythin’ about bein’ a dwarf since the accident!”

More Guilt.

“He’s gonna destroy generations of beer makin’!”

Extra Guilt.

“I just did what I had to!”

I looked up at that, feeling a pang of anger rather than guilt. How dare he! He’d swindled me and messed with my head, and it was what he HAD to do?!

“Be silent, Tim. We aren’t here to listen to your justifications. We are here to release any ongoing abilities on Alchemist Peter, and provide him with some closure. As per Nation of Crack Law Ver. 118, Section 8, Subsection 2, you may choose to voluntarily surrender any goods and repair any damages done to the injured party in order to reduce your sentence.” Diamond held her hand up to forestall Tim’s sputtered reply. “Do not think of wasting the final opportunities provided to you by the law.”

“Very well, release any of your abilities of Alchemist Peter first.”

Tim held up a hand, and I could actually feel a weight come off my mind. I’d needed to really focus on remembering the stolen silver, but now it was a fresh memory, raw and full of anger.

“This all seems a little… lenient?” I put forward. Diamond, Brock, Tim, Grim, and two other guards turned to look at me. Diamond twirled her drill-beard for a moment before she answered.

“Tim’s psych profile as well as his interrogation and examination of his Status indicate there is a chance for rehabilitation.” Diamond’s tone turned a bit sharp. “You and he both agreed to allow for an arbitration, and right now he is wasting it!”

“I thought… I dunno. That’d I’d have an opportunity to throw rotten tomatoes at him or somethin.” I mimed a tossing motion.

“Where would you get a barbaric idea like that?” Diamond shook her head.

“What a waste of good food..” Grim muttered.

“See! He’s a mad-dwarf!” Tim shook his cuffs plaintively.

“Hey!”

“ENOUGH!” Diamond smashed a plated hand on the table, and we all jumped as the wood cracked. “Tim, silence! Alchemist Peter, you may ask five questions!” She turned to look at Tim. “You will speak only when questioned, and may only answer the question. Any further outbursts and I’ll personally see you put on the lowest level of the Capital prison!”

She dropped 32 silver coins, a tankard, and a small keg of beer on the table. “Here is the evidence that we collected from him, now let us perform this arbitration… properly.” She practically hissed.

“Fine. Tim, have you been fakin’ everything? Were we ever friends at all?” I asked.

“Maybe. Until you mixed lemonade into Tha Brew, when you began –” He was cut off as Diamond harrumphed. “Until you made the radler.”

Diamond nodded at me, which I took to mean he was telling the truth. Diamond had approached me late in the evening to inform me of a possible “Arbitrated Closure”. She had deemed the situation appropriate for one, and was giving me the option. If I took it, Tim’s sentence for having a Banned title would change from life imprisonment, to a chance at supervised parole. The entire thing would take place under a truth spell, which would tell Diamond if Tim lied. The idea was to provide me closure in a controlled space.

So, we had been friends for a short while. That… was nice, but it also made the resulting betrayal hurt even more.

“Why?” I asked in a pleading tone.

“Why what?”

“Why did you do all this?”

“Because you-!” Tim took a deep breath. “Because I consider you a threat to our traditions and way of life.”

“That doesn’t even mean anythin’!”

“It does to me.”

I rubbed the bridge of my nose. It was like arguing with someone on the internet. He wasn’t going to change his mind in this short time. Speaking of time.

“When did you start messin with me?”

“Not until the third month. I’d been doin’ a simple swindle for a while; I wanted to slow down yer ‘gunpowder’ plan. If it was anythin’ like tha radler it could be nothin’ good. I wasn’t sure I wanted to use my abilities on a fellow dwarf, but I decided to do it when I saw Speaker John drink some of yer radler.”

Diamond nodded at me again. “Two more questions, then Tim is allowed one.”

“Tim, why in Yearns name were you in my room?” Grim coughed and hid a grin. He'd been at Tim's initial interrogation. Why the hell was that funny?

“I was going to use some good dwarven steel to see if you were a true dwarf.”

“You were going to knife me!?” I looked at the evidence, the only thing made of steel was the tankard.

“No prevarication.” Diamond warned, her voice dark.

“I was goin’ ta make ya drink beer till you admitted it was good.”

“What!?”

Grim actually sputtered and ran out of the room. Diamond glowered at the door and nodded at a guard, who locked it. She turned to Tim. “Continue please.”

“I figured I could bring ya back with enough of Tha Brew. You might be the Great Deceiver -”

Diamond’s fingers snapped and Tim’s voice was cut off, though his mouth continued to move. I shook my head. “No, let him finish.” She nodded and snapped her fingers, and he was suddenly audible again.

“- give you a chance to prove you were a true dwarf. I’d lost the chance to stop yer experiments, but maybe I could convince ya to give up yer ways.”

I looked at Diamond. That couldn’t be true, it was nuts! She shrugged and nodded.

I slumped back in my chair. No wonder she’d set this thing up. Tim wasn’t a monster; he was a misguided IDIOT. That and a howling hypocrite. My heart grew a little stony at that. He’d stolen from me, and I was beginning to remember that he’d stolen from the city coffers too. He was justifying things to himself, but the reality was only one of us had truly broken dwarven law and tradition, and it wasn’t me.

“Why didn’t you just talk to me?”

“Because you were so full of yerself that you never gave me tha time of day.”

Ugh. Diamond looked at me and nodded, then shrugged. “Those are your five questions Alchemist Peter. Tim, you may ask your one question.”

Tim turned to look at me, his bald head wrinkled with thought. We sat in silence for a few minutes until he finally spoke.

“Are you actually Peter?”

Wow. What a loaded question, and frighteningly sharp. Sweat beaded on my forehead, but I had an easy answer to that.

“Absolutely. I am, and always have been, Peter.”

Tim looked at me suspiciously, and then at Diamond. She nodded and he hung his head.

“Very well, Alchemist Peter, you may make one closing statement.”

It was my turn to think for a while. I looked at the three guards, who were clearly bored out of their minds, and considered the problem.

Did I forgive Tim?

No. It was a bit too soon.

Was I mad at him? Kind of. He’d scammed me, and used abilities on me that were so vile they made his entire existence illegal. That was kind of sad in a way. I thought back on my incredibly racist great-grandpa, who’d gotten into a lot of trouble towards the end for his opinions on the First Nations and the Chinese. Tim was…. kind of like my grandpa. Hidebound, afraid of change, and lashing out in the only way he could. In doing so, he’d hurt those around him, but in his own mind it was a misguided attempt to save people.

I sighed. I almost wished he had tried to knife me. That would have made this all so much easier.

“Tim, you were one of the first few friends I can remember having. If you were truly my friend, rather than forcing it on me, you’d have tried to make a beer that I would actually enjoy. I didn’t choose to dislike ‘Tha Brew’, it’s just tha way I am.”

Tim was downcast as the Guards removed him and took him away.

I slumped down in my chair, exhausted. I still had so many goodbyes to do.

---

“You there, Doc?”

“Yes. Come in.”

I entered her cabin and paused. Lillyweather was asleep on the bed. I flinched as my eyes ran over her injuries.

Her left leg was missing below the knee.

I dropped my voice to a whisper.

“Is she ok now?”

“Yes. Healer Bastion came late last night and we managed to save her life. She needs some rest for now, but she lost her leg.” Opal’s voice was clinical, but I could hear the anguish behind her words. “Unfortunately, a full regrowth of the limb far exceeds Healer Bastion’s mana capacity.”

Gods. I felt awful. It wasn’t my fault, but it had been my experiment, so I felt a little responsible.

“Is there anything I can do?” Perhaps I could find a better Healer?

“No, Copperpot has it handled, leave it to him. As her mentor he bears the most responsibility and obligation.”

We both looked at her for a while before I spoke again.

“I came to say goodbye. Balin and I leave in the morning.”

“Oh.”

Doc Opal got the weirdest look on her face as she rubbed at her chinstrap beard. It was a mixture of delight and annoyance, hope and despair at the same time. “I will be…. sad to see you go.”

“I’ll miss you too Doc. Thanks for everything, especially the use of your supplies.”

“Of course, Peter. Thank you for the sweets, and for brightening Bran’s kitchen.”

“I hope we meet again."

“We will eventually, surely. Balin said you plan to move to Minnova.”

“Balin has a big mouth, and don’t call me Shirley.”

“What?”

“Goodbye Opal.”

---

“I’m really going to miss you Sam.”

Sam smiled as he leaned in and gave me a giant hug. I could feel tears wetting his beard.

“I’ll be out before ya know it, eh?”

“Not too soon, I value my eardrums.”

“Good luck out there, son, yer goin’ ta need it. If you get stuck, go look for a dwarf named Drum at tha Rusty Battleaxe. Just tell him Sam sent ya.”

“Goodbye old man.”

“So long, Pete.”

—

I peaked around the door.

“Goodbye Grim -”

“I don’t care! Get out! Beggone, Agent of Aaron!”

“I’ll miss you!”

“I’ll miss you with my AXE if you don’t get out of my mine!”

My teeth flashed in the darkness of the hallway as I retreated. I’d need to send something special to Grim. Maybe a couple kegs of my first beer, to share with the prison populace.

—

*sniff* “I can’t believe yer leavin!”

I held up a handkerchief, nonplussed. “I didn’t realize it meant that much to ya Bran.”

*sniffle* “You always had so many amazin ideas.” *honk*

“You’re a great chef Bran, you know enough now to start making yer own recipes.”

“But now I got nothin to sell to make enough silver fer lemons!” *sob*

“YOU WERE SELLIN’ MY RECIPES!?”

Bran opened up a drawer and revealed the contents. My eyes widened.

—

Balin and I stood at the entrance to the City of Minnova Prison Mine and looked down the path towards the city. The chain gang had lined up to say goodbye, and there was a heady mix of cheering and happy well wishes to send us off. It had taken a year, but I was free.

I turned to Balin.

“Are ya ready to go buddy?”

“Aye, that I am. Let’s step into our future!”

“Okay, but watch where you’re stepping, Balin.”

We each took a step forward. There was a squelch and the stench of goatshit.

“See? I told you.”

“PETE!”