Be a girl

As Claire disappeared behind the door leading to the girls’ toilets, I sighed. Instead of convincing her to stop being friends with Jesse, I’d gone and made her more adamant in her stance. Good job me.

Before I could think any further on how to convince Claire that I was right, an arm wrapped itself around my neck and dragged me away from the toilets. I tried resisting, but the arm was simply too strong for me to overcome.

“How ‘bout we have ourselves a little chat,” Jesse said. I peered over at him, suddenly terrified. He had a noxious grin on his face, one that made me more scared than I had ever been before in my life. This was the Jesse I knew. This was the person that Jesse was hiding away from my best friend under a veneer of niceties. The real Jesse. But of course, he had struck while Claire was in the toilet, where she couldn’t see me or come to my aid.

“My life’s been pretty fuckin’ shit ever since you transformed me. But that should be pretty obvious, don’t ya think?” He stared at me, his pernicious smile drilling into me. I writhed within his grasp, but Jesse held fast like it was nothing. Like I was a mere insect to him.

“But it hasn’t been all bad, surprisingly. For one, me and my sibling are much closer than we’ve ever been, because of you. Of course, I’d rather you never did this to me in the first place, but there’s no use whinging about that now. Let bygones be bygones, right?”

I nodded slowly. Not that I agreed with him. I just preferred not to get on his bad side. Or, well, less on his bad side. The last thing I needed was to anger him even more.

“Now, I have unfinished business, and I need your help to deal with it,” Jesse continued. Huh? For what could Jesse possibly need my help? That didn’t make any sense. But what choice did I have? He currently held an almost literal stranglehold on me, and I saw no escape. Plus, there was no telling what he would do to me if I refused.

So, I nodded, utterly terrified of him. “There’s a good girl,” Jesse whispered directly into my ear.

Despite my heart rate already being through the roof, my heart somehow managed to break the ceiling, beating even faster than should have been possible. The pang of emotions suddenly rushing through me was difficult to parse. A mixture of anxiety and fear, but also euphoria and elation, all alongside a longing for something I could never attain. Disgust and loathing crept in; I should not have experienced joy over such a simple phrase, and from Jesse no less.

“I’m not a girl,” I managed to whisper softly, although part of me didn’t believe it, as much as I knew it to be true. I wasn’t a girl, and I never could be.

Jesse paused, yanking me to a stop. He released me from his grip. He stood in front of me, towering above, glaring down at me with a mixture of anger and confusion. My palms became uncomfortably sweaty inside my gloves, and I couldn’t help but begin to rub my thighs to ease my woes.

“You’re joking, right?” Jesse said. Was I joking? What was he talking about? All one had to do was look at me and they’d easily see that I was very much not a girl. Wishful thinking didn’t change reality. I shook my head.

“Tell me,” Jesse said with an annoyed twinge in his voice, “Do you want to be a girl?”

My hands accelerated in their rubbing of my thighs. It was a question that I never would have expected Jesse to ask me, and yet here we were. I didn’t want to answer. He was the last person I would ever want to know about that part of me.

“Answer me!” he roared angrily, leaving me stunned. I may not have wanted to answer his question, but whatever he would do to me if I refused, I wanted even less. So, I nodded, as much as it pained me to admit my deepest, darkest secret to the person whom I despised more than anyone else.

“See, that wasn’t so hard,” Jesse sneered. “I’ve learnt a lot of things over these past few months, all because of what you did to me. Things I wouldn’t’ve been open to in the past. And one of those things was that if you want to be a boy, then you are a boy. Or, in your case, if you want to be a girl, then you are a girl. So, tell me, are you a girl?”

I shook my head again. I didn’t know what he was talking about. It was extremely evident that I was not, in fact, a girl. I never could be. I knew this. I didn’t understand why Jesse of all people was so insistent on the contrary.

Jesse poked a finger into my chest and scowled at me. “Listen here you little shit,” he growled. “If you’re not a girl, then that means I’m not a boy. And I’m telling you right fucking now, I cannot accept that. I am a boy, no matter what anyone says, and that means you’re a girl. Don’t you fucking dare tell me otherwise.”

I was stunned. I had no idea how to even respond to that. I didn’t understand what he was saying. And yet, it felt oddly affirming, despite it clearly contradicting reality. A strange mix of emotions to be sure. But I also didn’t dare go against what he had said to his face. I didn’t want to think about what he’d do to me. So, I nodded again, wide-eyed and frightened, and Jesse relaxed.

“Good,” he said, straightening up. “Now, as I said, I need your help. So just come with me and keep quiet. I won’t have you ruining this.” He once again wrapped his arm around my neck and began to pull me towards the main hall. Whatever his unfinished business was, I didn’t know, and I didn’t like the sound of it. But I didn’t protest; I couldn’t.

He led me through the crowd of teenagers milling about, expertly dodging them, all while acting completely casual and nonchalant. It wasn’t long before he found his target, and I suddenly realised what his unfinished business was. Months ago, all the way back in December of last year, Jesse made a promise to Josh, if one could even call it that – it was more of a threat than anything. He promised that he would find a way to turn Josh into a girl, and now he was planning on delivering on it.

Josh was standing around and chatting with some guys from my old school whose names I couldn’t remember, completely unaware of what Jesse had planned for him. We were approaching him from behind, so unless someone called out our approach, he likely wouldn’t notice us sneaking up on him.

I couldn’t allow this to happen. I’d ruined enough lives already. I was not going to ruin any more. Even if it was someone whom I loathed with all my heart. Josh didn’t deserve it, same as Jesse. But Jesse had other ideas.

Five metres away from Josh. I began to squirm in Jesse’s arms once I’d realised what was happening. Jesse immediately clamped down harder, squeezing me tighter so that I could no longer move without his express permission. A hand covered my mouth, preventing me from crying out for help.

Four metres. Jesse ripped a glove off one of my hands, and held my arm outstretched in the direction of Josh. I could feel Jesse’s predatory breath on the side of my face as we continued towards the unsuspecting boy.

Three metres. I struggled as hard as I could against Jesse’s iron grip. I dug my heels into the ground, desperately trying to refuse nearing Josh. My attempts slowed Jesse, but they did not stop him.

Two metres. I switched tactics. I still had one hand free – a gloved hand – with which I grasped my ungloved hand. It was a pitiful attempt to block Jesse from transforming Josh, but I was running out of time, and I was running out of options. Jesse instantly caught on to what I was doing, and snatched up my gloved hand with the hand that was covering my mouth. Before I could let out a scream, a cry, a whimper, anything, he clamped my own hand over my mouth. By this point, I gave up trying to stop Jesse. He was simply too strong for me to overcome, and I’d exhausted all possible options to prevent him getting his way.

One metre. I didn’t want to watch. I couldn’t watch. Within moments, the bare skin of my hand would make contact with Josh, and the irreversible transformation would begin. I wanted to cry. I wished that I’d never been granted this awful awful ability. I never asked to be able to transform people from male to female, and I certainly didn’t want to. Why? Why? Why?

SLAM! Something collided with me from the side, and I was suddenly thrown to the ground. Jesse released me from his grip, unable to maintain it as we both collapsed onto the floor. I opened my eyes and looked up to see Jesse’s sister towering over both of us. Her fists were balled so tightly that her knuckles had gone a pale white, and her scowl was so frightening I could have sworn my heart stopped beating.

“JESSE WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU!?” she roared with the ferocity of a wild beast. Everyone in the vicinity turned to see the commotion, their eyes homed in on Jesse, Maddy, and me.

“What’s wrong with me? What’s wrong with you!?” Jesse exclaimed, picking himself up off the ground.

Jesse grabbed my arm, and his sister shouted, “Don’t you fucking dare!” He tried to lift me to my feet, but Maddy was lightning quick. She wrapped her hand around Jesse’s neck and wrenched him away from me. Jesse desperately tried to free himself from his sister’s grip, but she held fast. Even using both his hands was futile; she was not letting go.

Josh’s eyes darted between Maddy holding Jesse in a chokehold, and me, sprawled out on the floor in mild pain. His face twisted into white hot rage at the sight of my glove-free hand, realising exactly what Jesse was planning for him just moments ago.

“You motherfucker!” Josh yelled, storming over to Jesse.

He didn’t get very far. He stopped immediately when Maddy glared at him with indomitable fury and growled, “Come any closer, Josh, and I swear to fucking god I will break both of your legs.” Never in my life would I have thought that Josh would be terrified of a girl, but here we were. He didn’t dare oppose her.

I needed to get the fuck out of here. Fast. I didn’t know how long I had, but with Maddy pinning Jesse, now was my best opportunity to leave. I scrambled to my feet, not daring to look back. I didn’t have time to go searching for my missing glove, so instead I shoved that hand into my pocket to avoid any unwanted accidents.

I did my best to weave my way through the dense crowd. Jesse and Maddy’s yelling had gotten nearly everyone’s attention. The crowd’s stares flicked between them and me as I hastily made my way towards the exit.

“It’s not fair!” Jesse yelled at the top of his lungs. I didn’t dare turn back to see how the commotion progressed. I kept my head low, and did my best to avoid bumping into anyone, lest my ungloved hand free itself from my pocket and transform an unsuspecting boy. “Why do I have to deal with this shit, and he doesn’t! He deserves to suffer the same as me!”

“That doesn’t give you the right to ruin his life!” Maddy shouted back. I was a decent distance away from them now, and the crowd was beginning to thin as I neared its edge. I did not falter, nor turn to look.

“I don’t care!” Jesse roared. “It’s not fair! It’s not fair! It’s not fair!”

I pushed my way through the exit and breathed a sigh of relief. The entrance hall was completely devoid of human life, and I felt comfortable slowing down. My heart was racing, and I needed time to calm down. Still, I did not stop until the entire building was completely out of my sight.

I pulled my phone out of my pocket and texted my dad. I simply asked if he could pick me up as soon as possible. He replied swiftly in the affirmative, and I let out another sigh of relief. It would still be another fifteen or so minutes until he arrived, but that was far better than having to catch a bus whilst missing a glove. At least out in the open, it was much easier to avoid other people.

The evening air was frigid, and the chilly wind bit against the bare skin of my face. It was nearing winter now, and I could definitely feel it in the air. The sounds and sights of the evening city streets all blurred into an unintelligible noise. I found it suddenly difficult to stand. Seating myself on the cold, hard pavement, I concentrated on my breathing, and soothed myself with slow rhythmic motions, to keep myself from losing all control.

Soon enough, dad’s car pulled up beside me. I opened the passenger side door and stepped inside. Dad looked concerned, but I quickly turned my gaze away from him and towards my lap.

“You ok?” he asked softly.

I burst into tears.