Be a girl

This was bad. This was really really bad. I turned my own brother into a girl. When did that happen? How did that happen? I couldn’t recall ever even thinking about turning him or Jesse into girls, and I certainly wouldn’t have wished for it. So, it must have been something else that caused it. I had better figure it out soon before accidentally changing someone else’s sex.

“Mum told me that you’ll look after me today, Ben.”

I nodded. “Yeah, since I’m not going back to school for the rest of the year.”

James gave me a concerned look. It was nice that he was worried about me, but he had much bigger worries than I at this current moment. What were we going to do with him? I had to tell our parents. I pained me to go back on my promise, but it was necessary. We couldn’t keep such a big secret from them.

“What did you do?” James asked tentatively, snapping me out of my train of thought. “How did you get expelled?”

Should I tell him the truth? Probably. I’d feel bad withholding such information from him, not least because it was related to what I’d done to him. I wouldn’t have to worry about him disbelieving me either.

I sighed, gripping at my knees tightly then releasing. Now or never. “I turned another student into a girl, and I think I did the same to you.”

James’ eyes widened. “Wait, you took my willy!? Give it back!” He swiped at me, and I instinctually raised my arm in self-defence. Unfortunately, he hit me on the side with all my bruises, and I yelped in pain. He stopped after seeing that he’d hurt me, a sad expression on his face.

“I’m sorry!” I exclaimed, “I didn’t mean to! I don’t even know how I did it!”

James calmed down, but he was still grumpy at me. I moved closer to him and put my non-injured arm around his shoulder. “Listen. I’m here for you, whatever happens. You don’t have to act all girly now that you’re a girl. You can even just pretend like nothing happened. No one at school will notice if you don’t say anything. But I will have to tell both mum and dad about this though.”

“But you promised!”

“I know,” I said, glancing away from him, “I know I promised not to, but this is super important, and they need to know. I promise that mum and dad will be a big help. They both want what’s best for you, and so do I.”

“But what if they’re mad at me?”

I gently squeezed his shoulder and returned my gaze in his direction. He was genuinely scared of how they would react to what I’d done to him. “They won’t be, I promise. If they get mad at anyone, it’d be me since I was the one who did this to you.”

He mulled over my words briefly. “Okay”, James whined exasperatingly, stretching each of the vowels as long as he could. I hugged him, being careful not to aggravate any of my bruises from yesterday. We stayed there for a while, not speaking. I slowly rubbed my hand along James’ back to help comfort him. His breathing was heavy and slow.

“What’s gonna happen to me Ben?” he asked. I could see the glint of tears in his eyes.

I stopped rubbing his back, but I kept my hand in place. I looked away from him and sighed. “I don’t know. But I do know that both mum and dad will love you no matter what.” I ruffled his hair and stood up. “Now, let’s get you ready for the day. I won’t make you go to school, but you will need to get out of bed and get dressed and have breakfast.”

“Alright…” James said, a little dejected. He slowly got out of bed and we left the room together. He headed towards the bathroom, while I headed back to my room.

I called out after him, “Make sure not to try and pee standing up from now on James!” I did not want a repeat of yesterday. I then sighed and grabbed my phone to call mum. She was surprised when I told her what had happened to James, but she believed me. She saw what had happened to Jesse yesterday, so she had no reason to doubt me. It also explained why James had peed his pants yesterday. I just hoped he would listen to my advice to avoid peeing his pants today. I did not want to deal with cleaning him up.

***

Between making sure James was behaving himself, I spent most of the day thinking about how exactly it was that I was transforming people, so that I could avoid any more accidents in the future. I was completely stumped. I didn’t have enough data to figure out the cause. All I had was enough data to realise that it was in fact me who had transformed both Jesse and James. I also didn’t want to go out and obtain more data. Both of them had expressed discomfort, and I didn’t exactly want to go out and ruin other people’s lives.

This fact only concerned me more. Being turned into a girl was something that I had silently wished for for years now. So being turned into a girl honestly didn’t sound too bad to me. Quite the opposite. I’d prefer it over being a boy any day. It just sounded so much easier.

But both of those whom I had transformed seemed to hate what I done to them, and it made me feel especially awful. One, because I’d accidentally caused others harm, and two, because it made me feel like something must have been deeply wrong with me. I should be ok with the body I was born with, right? And yet I wasn’t. It seemed apparent that this was the case for Jesse and James. And I took that away from them.

Still though, the thought of being a girl was enticing. I, of course, could never let another soul know that I thought this – I was clearly just a freak, and everyone would view me as such if I told them – but maybe if I found a way to control whatever supernatural force was transforming people around, then I could perhaps use it on myself? People surely wouldn’t react so harshly if that were to happen, especially if I played it off as an accident. Yeah, that could work. Assuming I could figure this all out.

James had been pestering me all day, and eventually I caved to his demands to play some video games with him. He complained that I was going easy on him – a reasonable complaint coming from him, given that I did indeed go easy on him a lot – but the truth was that this time, I couldn’t get the thoughts out of my mind, and I was distracted. Every time I would try to focus on the game, my mind would begin to wander, and with it, my performance.

When mum came home from work, she immediately hugged James forcing him to put down his controller and stop playing the game. I also set my controller down, as this was far more important than some silly video game.

“I’m a little disappointed that you didn’t feel comfortable telling me what was wrong,” mum said, tears beginning to slowly drip down her face. “You can tell me anything ok? I’ll always be here for you when you need me. It’s my job to look after you and help you through anything.”

James nodded in response, looking rather dejected. “You’re not mad at me?” he asked softly.

Mum gave him another hug. “Of course not sweetie. I’ll love you no matter what.”

Despite the tears forming in his eyes, James smiled at mum, glad that she accepted him. Mum smiled back and wiped away some of the tears with her thumb.

She moved over to me and knelt down. She clasped my hands in hers, giving them a gentle squeeze, and looked me in the eyes with an expression that portrayed so much pain. The tears were flowing freely down her face now. It was hard seeing her like this. “We’re going to figure this out, ok?” she said softly, trying to hold back a sob. “Please don’t beat yourself up over this. I know you didn’t intend for any of this to happen.”

It was at moments like these that I wished I could cry. Unfortunately, puberty had taken away that ability years ago, leaving me as an emotionless husk. Seeing my mother like this hurt so much, and knowing that it was because of something I’d done only made that feeling worse.  So instead, I hugged her, knowing she needed the comfort. I needed it too. I let her cry into my shoulder while I simply let out a sad sigh. James joined in, wrapping his arms around the both of us.

After we all broke free from our family hug, I decided I needed some time to myself, and went to my room to lie down on my bed. I stared at the ceiling, trying once again to figure out how and why people around me were becoming female. Even though I knew I needed more data, and despite that not being a possibility, I couldn’t get it off my mind.

I realised I must have lost track of time when dad knocked on my door and promptly entered before I could respond. He usually finished work a few hours after mum, so it must have been at least six o’clock. I sat up and positioned myself on the edge of my bed, allowing dad to sit down next to me. I stared at the floor as he began speaking.

“You ok dude?” I shook my head, not wanting to talk. Dad inhaled slowly, then let out a deep breath. “Your mum told me what happened with James. It’s not an easy situation, is it? It shouldn’t even be possible.”

I remained silent. Even if I wanted to talk, I didn’t know what to say. Dad placed his index finger and thumb on my chin, lifting it slightly and turning my head to face his. “Chin up,” he said, “We’ll figure this all out, I’m sure. You’re a smart kid.”

He put his hand on my knee and used it as a support to lift himself onto his feet, grunting from exertion. He gave my leg a light tap and started walking toward the door. Just before exiting the room, he turned to me and spoke, “Dinner’s almost ready, by the way. We’re eating at the table again tonight.” He then left my room.

I followed dad out of my bedroom and into the dining room. It was particularly unusual most weeks for us to eat together two nights in a row, especially on weekdays, but this week was rather unusual for all of us. I didn’t really feel like eating that much today. I just stared at my food and picked at it. We all ate silently for a while before mum finally spoke up, “We need to discuss what’s going to happen with James, now that James is a girl.”

She left out the bit about it being my fault. We all knew that I did it, and I felt terrible about it. I hung my head, tilting it away from everyone else, ashamed.

“I think we should let him decide what to do,” dad said, and I agreed. Even though he was only ten, he should have a say over the course of his own life.

“Is that a good idea?” mum asked, “James is only a child.”

“This is too important to not let him have a say. This will affect his whole life.”

Mum frowned. She didn’t seem convinced, which worried me a little. I didn’t want mum and dad to argue. Not over something so important. Not over something that I did.

“OK, James, how do you feel about being a girl now?” mum asked him.

James crossed his arms over his chest and huffed indignantly. “If it means I have to play with girly dolls and wear dresses and grow my hair long, then I don’t wanna.”

Mum bit her lip, but didn’t say anything.

“Why can’t he just pretend like nothing even happened?” I said, “He looks basically the same as he did before. He could go on living as a boy, and nobody would notice.”

“Yeah!” James exclaimed, “Why do I gotta be a girl anyway?”

“What about when she hits puberty? She can’t hide her body forever.” The concern on mum’s face as she said this was highly evident. I could tell she was worried about how people would start treating James from now on. She did bring up a good point though. Once James hit puberty, his body would start changing, making it very obvious what I’d done to him. It would be very difficult for him to pretend like nothing had happened by that point. But that was likely years away. We had plenty of time to figure things out. Perhaps by then, I’ll have figured out how to change him back.

“Don’t call me she!” James shouted angrily. Mum was taken slightly aback at James’ outburst, but she collected herself quickly.

Dad chimed in once again, “I’m with Ben on this one. If the boy doesn’t want to be a girl, then we shouldn’t force him to be.” He rubbed at his chin in thought, audibly scraping at his five o’clock shadow. “As for the puberty situation, we could always talk to a doctor about this. Surely there’s something they could do to help. We should have plenty of time to work things out before any visible changes begin happening.”

Mum stayed silent, though she looked pensive. She only wanted what was best for James, but this was an unusual situation to find herself in, and it didn’t seem like she knew the best course of action. I agreed with dad’s idea. There had to be something that could be done so that James could hide what had happened to him, at least until we could find a way to change him back, assuming that was even possible. I would hate to think how others would treat him if they knew the truth.

Dad stood up from his chair and went over to mum, kissing her on the forehead then placing his hands on her shoulders. “Honey, it’s ok, we’ll figure this out. Whatever James grows up to be, it’s important that we let him take his own path in life. Our job is to help him along the way, whichever way that may be. We shouldn’t be forcing him along a path he doesn’t like.”

He then walked over to James and ruffled his hair. He knelt down so that he could be at eye level. “It’s your decision. Whatever you choose we’ll all support you. You’re allowed to change your mind at any time. So, what will it be, do you want to be a boy or a girl?”

“I want to be a boy!” James’ response was immediate. No thought went into the decision. Or perhaps he’d already contemplated it and come to the decision before he was even asked.

Dad’s question stuck in my mind. Surely it couldn’t be as easy as James just deciding to be a boy, could it? I mean, if it were that easy then I could just decide to be a girl, couldn’t I? No. Unless I could somehow get my new apparent power to work on myself, I’d just be stuck as a boy forever. 

Dad gave James a hug. “Then it’s settled. We’ll take James to a doctor to see if there’s anything that can be done about the whole puberty thing, and we’re not going to treat James any differently from before.”

It was now apparently my turn to be consoled by dad, as he made his way over to me. He placed his hand on my shoulder. “Now Ben. I don’t want you to beat yourself up over this. I know you didn’t mean to do this to your own brother. We don’t even know how you did it. I don’t want you eating yourself up inside with guilt, ok? I want you to promise me that you won’t blame yourself for what happened.”

How could I not blame myself for what happened? I had basically ripped away all of James’ chances to live the life of a normal boy. Could he even really live the life of a boy anymore? Unless the doctors had some way to prevent the James’ inevitable puberty, then he was basically resigned to the life of a girl, which he had, in no uncertain terms, expressed disgust towards.

Then there was that the fact that I didn’t even know how I’d transformed him, and I had no idea how to fix it, or even if I could. All my dad really wanted though was for me to be happy. Maybe he was right that not blaming myself would make me feel better, but I honestly had no idea if I could manage that. It was an accident however, although not intending an action doesn’t magically undo it. One can’t simply fix the consequences of one’s action with a simple apology. At the very least, I could try to uphold a promise to dad, if even only to appease him. “I promise,” I said.

Dad took his hand off my shoulder and balled it into a fist, leaving his pinky finger extended. He held his hand towards me. “Pinky promise?” he said with a comforting smile.

I rolled my eyes. “Dad, I’m not five anymore.”

“I know, but I really want to make sure you’re serious about this, and there’s no better way to do that than with childlike symbolism.” Dad gave me a big smile. I just sighed. Fine, I’ll pinky swear. I grabbed my dad’s pinky with my own and shook his hand. “See? Was that… so…” he began, but he trailed off, looking down at his hand. He seemed confused; wondering what was going on.

I looked at his hand, wondering too what was going on. I saw that his pinky was much more slender than normal. Then I saw his other fingers begin to shrink a little, shortening and becoming more slender to match the pinky.

Fuck. I knew exactly what was happening. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. FUCK!