An Angel’s Road to Hell

When I opened my eyes in my own home to the crisp light of the rising sun, the song of birds and the sweet smell of cherrywood I felt lost, lost and alone despite the warm body breathing regularly at my side. Somehow my sister had decided that I wasn’t to be left unsupervised and had taken it upon herself to keep me company. Either that or she had remembered how easy it had been for her to get around a scolding when she had been sleeping in my bed. Not that I felt particularly eager to tell her off. After that foreboding dream her antics didn’t seem as important anymore. Still, if I didn’t want to invite more trouble further down the road I’d have to at least talk to her. In a few minutes. For now I simply pulled her closer, breathed in her scent and closed my eyes again, relishing in her warmth. Or so I thought.

“Are you awake,” she whispered, the sound more felt than heard.

“Hmm,” I mumbled drowsily, “now I am. Have you kept me company the whole night?”

“The whole night? Try a few hours. Honestly, don’t you need to sleep?”

“Usually no, but when I do something really stupid I need a bit of time to bounce back.”

“So… wanna tell me what happened and why you suddenly appeared on our door step, unconscious, with a winged girl who’s now camping outside this door, as if to guard you?”

“Not particularly but I will if you tell me what’s gotten into you last night.”

“You mean why I opened the door and saw a memory meant for you?” She was anxious, I could hear it in her voice.

“No, I don’t think you could have done much there. Once the magic invoked for you… it doesn’t matter. What I mean is why you’ve acted like it’s a foregone conclusion that you want to use the knowledge you gained. You always whine that we don’t include you in our decisions but this time you went right ahead and did the same. Do you trust Ahri and me so little?” I could only see the top of her head but I felt her stiffen in my embrace.

“No, why would you even think that,” she immediately mumbled and turned to face me. Dark circles marred the skin under her eyes but they weren’t as pronounced as mine must have been last night. I still didn’t like it. The girl had been through enough and yet she was always looking for more. How was I supposed to care for her when she was determined to run, head first, into every wall she could find? “If I tell you, you won’t blab to anyone else, will you,” she added quietly. I couldn’t quite suppress a grin.

“Why? Is it embarrassing?” Probably not the most thoughtful thing to say but I was still struggling with the images of warring immortals and I simply hadn’t thought much before I had opened my mouth. With my family I rarely did.

“Not really,” she replied and chewed on her lips. “But mom might take it the wrong way, if she knew.” When she called my mother mom, as if it was the most natural thing in the world, I felt a lump rise in my throat and had to blink rapidly. The little devil hadn’t missed it either, judging from her growing smile.

“Then I won’t,” I croaked with as much dignity as I could muster, which wasn’t a ton considering I was on the verge of tears and clung to her like she was my teddy bear.

“Good enough.” She puffed up her cheeks and stared at the ceiling before she explained in a rush: “I’ve never… we never talked about my childhood, did we? When I was around six I realised I looked different, hence the change to my fur colour. It took me a while to figure out that I was probably not from the same lineage as my siblings. My… father knew, of course. He tried, but he never treated me quite like the others and my… birth mother… I think she was ashamed. Not of me, but of what my birth meant.” Tears had begun pooling in her eyes while she spoke and I wrapped my tails around her, trying to tell her wordlessly that none of us would ever treat her like that, no matter what would happen. She pecked my cheek before she continued:

“Long story short, my parents were great, considering our circumstances, but I never felt as… loved as my siblings. In a way it was like... I didn’t really feel like their child but rather like a… like a cousin. I guess that’s the main reason why I didn’t break when those slavers killed our families and took us away. And then you saved us. You and Ahri. You sheltered us, no questions asked, even though you didn’t know who I am, and when you found out, you took me in without a second thought. So did… mom. I’ve never before… I don’t think you can understand what that means to me. For the first time I feel like I’m truly a part of something more… a family. That’s… precious and I’m not going to give it up. Never. I… Cassy, you and Ahri and Helena, you are the only people in this world I think I love and you’re all… so very different from what… us mere mortals can ever hope to become,” she finished with a smirk, even though tears were running down her cheeks freely. Before I could even begin to form a reply, rattled as I felt, she quickly added:

“Look, I don’t want to be left on the outskirts anymore. If that means I have to risk my life, my soul, or anything else to get closer to you, then so be it. I’m done with being the odd one out.” She faced me again, insecurity and fear written plainly in her trembling lips, her shining eyes. “Is it too much to ask? I… I want to… I just want to be…,” she choked and couldn’t finish her sentence. I, on the other hand, kept my composure and detachedly thought about… oh, whom am I kidding? I didn’t fare a single smidgen better as I leaned in, kissed the top of her head and caressed her cheeks, hardly suppressing the waterworks myself.

“It’s not,” I whispered hoarsely. “I… we love you, too, little one. Never doubt it. But that’s the crux, isn’t it? We want to protect you and you want to be close to us… I just wish we weren’t…” I took a deep, calming breath through my nose. “You want to know what happened? I’ll tell you and maybe afterwards you can understand why this is getting ever more difficult for me. I don’t want to put anymore distance between us than is necessary but despite everything that’s happened, Ahri and I are probably the most dangerous people you’ll ever meet. Simply being close to us… and now, you want to become like us? Reia, I don’t think you truly understand what that means. Maybe… definitely you can’t. Here, let me show you.” I gently placed my fingertips on her temples as my eyes began to glow. Instead of taking something away I wanted her to see, to share my memories, at least the ones concerning Kana. The rest… well, me having nightmares was quite enough, I didn’t have to burden her with visions I, myself, couldn’t comprehend in their entirety.

It didn’t take long, a single heartbeat at the most, but the change in her demeanour was quite pronounced. She gasped for air, her eyes going wide like saucers as a trickle of sweat formed on her brow. Her tails squeezed me almost painfully tightly and for a moment I thought I had managed to change her mind until a curious, almost adoring gleam appeared in her eyes.

“Is it real,” she breathed, her limbs trembling with excitement.

“Every last bit of it. Don’t tell me you actually want your life to turn out like that. Haven’t you felt… didn’t you see how it almost tore me apart when I had to condemn her to the half life she has been living for uncounted years? Only because she stumbled across one of my siblings. And you want to court that fate, to become like them? Is it really worth it?” Her answer wasn’t quite what I had expected.

“For me alone? Probably not. For… us? Can you… you can just as easily read my mind, can’t you? I don’t have the right words, but maybe you can see. Please, just take a look.” With a shrug I extended my senses and dove into a scintillating whirlpool of hazy images and vivid, glaringly powerful emotions.

At first I only saw chaos, half formed connections and links that somehow cumulated in her wish to stay with us… to become like us, but I quickly enough realised that it stemmed from a single idea, a single conviction buried deep underneath. As gently as I could I dove deeper, caressingly brushing past half realised thoughts and wandering wishes, to find what she wanted to show me. It was a bit like a puzzle box where I had to peel away layer after layer but there was no resistance, no matter how far I had to go, she welcomed me with open arms. I saw her doubts, sprouting from her loneliness and her fear that she might never find a place to truly belong, I heard her unvoiced regrets for all the headaches she had caused along the way, I felt her desire to simply be a part of something more and there, close to her very centre, close to what made her the vivacious girl I loved so much, I finally found what I had been looking for. A single image, a powerful longing that had driven her to embrace the dangers of becoming an immortal, no matter the cost.

Deep down she still felt… alone, for she might be able to spend the rest of her life with us but we wouldn’t be able to spend the rest of ours with her. The discrepancy hurt her, made her desperate, even though she didn’t know why, but I could see it. In the end, reassurances and hollow words didn’t mean much to her, she had heard them all before. Only when she could face us as an equal would she be able to believe that she really was a part of our lives, otherwise it would just be another iteration of meaningless promises, given to keep the unwanted child quiet. And for her no price was too steep, no danger too threatening to ensure she’d never have to feel that way again.

I trembled, caught between pity and a gnawing doubt that she was heading towards a different kind of pain and heartache for all the wrong reasons, but in the end, it didn’t really matter. No one could know the future… almost no one, and for me, for us, the decision was rather simple. Either we allowed her to try to become one of us, with all the life ending or altering consequences it might entail, or we could act like the people around her always had. Keeping her at arms length, taking away her dreams to confine her to a life we thought would make her happy. But to her, it would never be enough, she’d always feel rejected for as long as she wasn’t the same as the people she had come to love. Her… parents, even though they had tried their best, had scarred her deeply and she had to change, like a butterfly emerging from its chrysalis. She needed this to finally leave behind her fear, her hidden anger. There really was no other option. If we hadn’t been immortals, if I hadn’t changed my mom, there might have been another way, but as it stood, as she had been unlucky enough to finally find what she had been looking for with us, she had to take this step or she’d never be able to heal… to hurt and laugh and live without the echos of her past haunting her. Just as much as we had needed a spark of immanence to live, she needed a spark of transcendence to finally bury her past and face the future… with a family that would never leave her behind, that she would never have to leave behind, no matter the cost.

Our tears mixed when I pulled her face into my chest, unable to prevent myself from weeping, and when I finally broke down, so did she. “I’m sorry,” was all she managed before she started to cry.

“Don’t be,” I whispered. “Don’t ever apologise for who you are. Not to me, not to anyone. If anything… I’m the one… it’ll be alright. Trust me, it’ll be alright.”

“How can you be sure? I can’t let it go and if… if I don’t make it…,” she couldn’t finish her sentence but there was no need to. I had seen enough. She wasn’t afraid of dying but she dreaded leaving us. The few centuries she would have naturally at our side were collateral she had to put up for the chance to enter our world and stay with us until the end.

“You will,” I promised, without realising what I had done. Close as we were she felt the stir of transcendent powers beneath my skin and when a silvery circle shimmered into existence above my heart we both froze in surprise.

“What have you done,” she hissed, her tears forgotten as the colour returned to her cheeks in a rush. “I never wanted you involved! That’s my decision, my burden and now…” I brushed the tears from her cheeks and smiled lopsidedly. I didn’t mind what I had done.

“It’s not.” I pressed her hand against my chest so she could feel the steady beat of my heart. “That’s… just a sign, a reminder, but Reia, did you honestly think I’d have left you to face a trial like that on your own? With or without my promise, we would either have made it through together or not at all.”

“But… Ahri, mother, they need you. It’s not only your life you’re putting at risk. What do you…” I smacked the back of her head lightly, my mood much improved. In a way it had felt much more liberating than it should have, when I had made sure that I wouldn’t have to bury her.

“Sometimes you’re such an idiot,” I said with a half choked chuckle. “Do you honestly think that either would have done anything else if they had been here? I’ve told you before, you’re ours and we are yours, for as long as you’ll have us. Considering the last few minutes that might be a long time. A really long time. Now, there’s no point in crying over spilled milk. If you’re determined to risk your… existence, then you’ll have to live with us doing the same to keep you safe. Which means the boastful proclamations about your training have to become a reality. It might yet take years until we know how to use that devilish… demonic sigil and the ring properly but when we do, you’ll have to be prepared. I haven’t got the foggiest what might happen but I’ll make sure you’re as capable as a mortal can be by then. Make no mistake, you won’t be learning or studying with Sera or Greta. You’ll be coming with Ahri and me wherever we go and you’ll… curse yourself for your stubbornness every single night.” She breathed a thank you, before she smirked.

“I’m a tough cookie. What are you going to do?” I returned her grin and tousled her hair.

“For now, we’ll take a bath, then I’ll have a corpse to bury, a brother to sweet talk or scream at, a few ships to inspect, a lost girl to console and a network of portals to fire up. In the meantime, you, my dear, will be staying here. I reckon I’m going to need about 2 hours. Your task will be rather simple. Leave the room and pack your bags, if you even have any, and go collect your two faithful cronies.” Her red rimmed eyes narrowed suspiciously.

“Doesn’t sound too bad. Where’s the catch?” My grin widened and I exerted a minuscule amount of power:

“I forbid you to leave this room without me.” She opened her mouth, her jaws working furiously but silently. “That should do nicely. Don’t pout. In all honesty, I don’t expect you to succeed. Not now, at least. Sooner or later you’ll have to, though, otherwise you can kiss your aspirations goodbye.” I extended a finger and gently closed her mouth. “And that’s just the beginning. Before I let you anywhere near transcendent powers that aren’t my own, you’ll have to be able to deal with mine.” I might have forgotten to mention that mine were probably the last thing she’d ever want to struggle against, but if I was to watch her risk her very existence, she’d better have a fighting chance, even without me.

“Are you moonstruck,” she yelped. “I… I can feel your damned command! What am I even supposed to do?”

“How should I know? But I’m sure we’ll figure it out. That’s why we’re going to take a bath. That and because I want to. Ask whatever questions you can think of and then put that brain of yours to better use than to make my oh so peaceful life even more miserable.”