An Age of Mysterious Memories

B 2 C 3: Breadth And Depth

My wraps try to warn me of danger, to wake me, but it’s like an alarm when you really don’t want to go to work in the morning. Why am I using that simile? I have no basis for comparison, absolutely no way to know what that feels like. Oh right, I’m being attacked. What finally wakes me is my flesh being raked by the maw of an open-faced sphere creature.

I narrow my eyes, fighting dozens of emotions, fear, panic, contempt, pride, satisfaction, vindication, so many things swirling in my mind. Even with panicked tunnel vision, all I need to do to end this fight is apparate anything from my inventory right in front of my torso. Yet I don’t, as this thing chews on me. I try to look it in the eyes, and the eyes aren’t red. Slowly my vision begins to expand, clearing up. My panic episode should be triggered repeatedly, but the situation is different somehow. I summon my thunder stick to my hand.

Out of the blue, I finally realize why Staff Ninja was on that rock. They were trying to draw the serpent out during a fight with the bullies. They wanted to force the bullies to help fight the serpent. That’s why they were relying on me. Like how I was trying to draw out my fear, Staff Ninja was trying to draw out Octorochi. While I was trying to do this to overcome terror, they were probably doing it to make the swamp safer for everyone. They basically were trying to trick the bullies into fighting it, since they’d have been in danger. I accidentally threw a wrench into that.

Guilt slams into me. Though I guess, knowing what I know about the serpent, I don’t need to feel as guilty as I feel. Staff Ninja was probably happy that I showed up, and was able to drive off the bullies with Lil’s help. It probably looked like we would have had a better chance together, than they would have had relying on the bullies. Maybe they were right, but we didn’t stand even the remotest chance back then.

It took crazy powerful magical equipment, and someone we hadn’t even met yet, and that person to train like crazy, to be able to finally end the serpent. Even with all that, we were still just barely shy of defeating it due to my screwup. Our Valkyrie could pause the gravity of all the spears in the air, and then launch them with about as much force as I could, using virtually no energy. She was the hero, the only one who could have done so much major damage against the serpent. At least, quickly enough that none of the rest of us would die during a prolonged fight.

The creature eating me realizes that I’m not dying, so figures it’s not biting me in a vital-enough area, and as it opens its maw to reposition itself, I jam the thunder stick into its mouth. The crack of thunder reminds me of the sickening crack I heard the first time I did something like this. I choke back a ragged, sobbed breath. I’m not going to kill this creature. I swing the staff away as hard as I can, flinging the creature away into the woods. As it tries to return to attack me, I simply slam the thunder stick into the ground, warning it, warding it off. Once we’re in a standoff, I summon some fish from my inventory. I’m apparently pretty low on fish, finally. I drop the fish, and flick it towards the creature. From there, I start walking back to my pond. Shellcracker Pond.

Curious about my physical abilities, I break into a jog, then a sprint, and try to pole vault across the river with the thunder staff. Though the staff sounds a loud boom, I don’t know how to pole vault. So my attempt ends as one would expect. With me once again in the drink. Sighing, rolling my eyes as I’m bashed against several rocks, I use my tendrils to flick myself out of the river to the western shore.

What in heaven’s name am I doing? The very thing I wanted the most, the thing that drew me back from being forever lost in my own mind is waiting for me. They’re all waiting for me, ready to welcome me back. Yet when I’ve finally come to my senses, I need alone time? What is wrong with me!?

My eyes feel puffy and sore. I realize my torso is pretty shredded, as is my right bicep. I think I’ve gained a fair amount of defensive ability, or maybe stamina or health, something or other. I don’t feel threatened by the wounds. Maybe I should be. What if I’m ignoring them due to a subconscious, well, desire that I’d rather not even think about. I guess I can call it a desire to punish myself for having put my family through everything that happened, not to mention putting them through my reaction.

Alright, I need to at least have Luni hit me with the soap stone. I promised I’d be better. As much as I want to rush into all their arms, I take my time ambling back to Shellcracker Pond.

When I was last in touch with reality, I had become a de facto leader, because it was up to me to deal with the serpent. Then I had to deal with the river rescue, and I was supposed to triumphantly welcome my family to our pond afterwards. I’m not trying to convince myself of self importance, my thought train is trying to figure out what my place in the family was supposed to be after that. I don’t even know what I was going to do. I suppose I was going to experiment with construction, which Sugar and Spice are doing just fine at. I was going to try to teach everyone about music and song, which Luni is taking care of. I was probably going to eventually explore the volcanic plateau, apparently Mataalii is doing that somewhat in secret. I was going to look after them as a guardian, a protector, they’ve got that covered quite fine.

I know I could join any of them at their tasks, and no one would shun me, but I do feel displaced. I sort of am displaced in time. I want to go back and experience my family’s excitement and trials in setting up their new home. One other thing I can think of was that I was going to experiment with metallurgy, but we have metal equipment already. Do I even want to create metallurgy? I could explore the world, looking for more allies, creatures, displaced beings. That thought feels slightly sickening though. I feel like if I did it, I’d have to go it alone, even if Lil wanted to join me. Wait, do I need a place to fit in? Do they care if I can’t find a way to contribute? I can always help out if something really serious comes up that requires extra help.

I guess, I guess maybe, just maybe, I can just be? Is that even allowed? I feel as if a weight pressing down on me lifts off ever so slightly. Lost in my reverie, I didn’t even notice I’m already home, standing in the entryway, causing a commotion once again. Half of my family are aghast at my appearance, Luni just rolls her eyes. Lu then grabs Lao and approaches. She starts poking me with the soap stone. Lao pulls some leaves and vines off of a shelf so that she can start binding my wounds.

“I, um, hey everybody.” There’s a round of smiles as I speak up, and this time my family members are careful to wait their turns to catch up with me. I give Luni probably the tightest hug we’ve ever shared, and she coughs. I blush, mumbling an apology.

Lao frets over me in her motherly way, “Precious child, what could you possibly have been doing?”

“I was, err, well, facing my fears. Literally. Tried to anyway, without much success.”

“Teuila did this?” Lao queries with shock. I wince when it’s mentioned that I fear her.

“No, no of course not. My other fears.” Laomati lets out a slightly relieved sigh with my response.

“Lao, um, I wanted to ask you, what your goals and dreams are now, what you want, for yourself, and us.”

“An easy answer dear one. Peace, happiness, an idyllic life watching each of you grow to be the best versions of yourselves.” I smile at her, of course that’s what she wants. I couldn’t picture anything less of her, or for her. I squeeze Lao in an embrace less tightly than I hugged Luni. I realize I hugged Luni too hard, trying to make up for lost time. I try to demurely excuse myself from Lao to approach Agwai.

“Um, Agwai? Um, Ag, can I, um, can I ask you the same thing?” I catch a ragged breath. I realize that after all this time, I still find Agwai imposing. It’s from the preconceptions that were built up over time when Agwai was cold, distant, when everyone was still grieving at the beach, and grieving again at our first mini home.

“Of course. Our dear child, how could I refuse to answer such a sweet question? I’ve resumed storytelling, I’ve taken a liking to joining our Luni in song, and I think I’ve found a calling.” I raise an eyebrow as Agwai continues. “Do you know what the ocean said to the beach? Worry not, I’ll tell you. Nothing, it just waved. See? Humor.”

“Snrk. Heheh. Hahaha.” That caught me entirely off guard. I chuckle as I hug Agwai. That last bit is definitely not the answer I was expecting. I then look for Sugar and Spice. I spot them appearing to argue with one another off to one side.

Approaching Sugar and Spice, I have trouble finding the words I want to express. “I,um, hi, hey guys. I uh, I’ve been wanting to meet you, for such a long time now.”

“You already met us ya big goon, you really are as sweet as they all say.” “Told ya, sweetiepie, total sweetiepie.” Spice and Sugar reply.

Spice argues, “Nah, not a sweetiepie, more like a lovable dingus.”

Sugar rebuts, “That sounds kinda mean? Doesn’t it? You can’t just add lovable to an insult, can you?”

I feel like a third wheel in their conversation, even though I’m the subject, and I try to stifle my chuckle. Spice gives up arguing and starts shouting, kindly. “Fine, look, I was worried sick, I’ve been wanting to meet this sweetheart for friggin’ ever, okay? Sue me! You hear that ya big dingus? I’ve been waiting on you, got anything to say to that?” Spice finally addresses me. I’m, well, I’m not even sure how to reply.

“Uhhh.”

Sugar saves me, “We both were. Reggie’s supposed to be a big hero who has it real tough. Don’t take your excitement out on them or me though, meanie. Besides, half the reason you wanted to meet them already happened, everybody is safe and back to normal.” Spice hisses a sort of shushing sound at Sugar, trying to cut off her reply.

I raise a single eyebrow at Spice. Spice sighs and turns away from me, not making eye contact. I guess it’s up to me now. “I’m, um, glad. I’m glad. Really, really glad that you’re with us. I’m glad we, that the situation, that it happened the way it did. No, no wait, I mean, I just mean that I’m glad everyone is okay.” I realize that Spice was going to try to ask me to save the colony, back before everything happened. I don’t know the other reason Spice wanted to meet me though. Plus, it really wasn’t me. The girls saved the day without me even being anywhere nearby. The part I played was, it was, it was. It was just grisly business that might have been taken care of by water, oh. Well, everyone getting out safe was more thanks to Sylphie. My vision starts to narrow and cross, doubling. I try to slow my breathing as my panic fights to rise once again. As I ride out my panic rather quickly, I’m met with loving stares from most of my family.

Spice hops at my chest, forcing me to catch him. He actually nuzzles against me, and whispers, “How do you do that? How do you beat it?” Wait, is that why Spice wanted to meet me? Is he like me? Does he suffer panic attacks?

“Do you? Are you like me?” I try to covertly ask.

“Shhh. Don’t tell. And don’t make fun of me.” His answer confirms my suspicion. I wonder what sort of triggers exist for him, I’d like to avoid them. I can only guess that his trauma is related to the situation at the dam. Maybe he saw some friends or family that he loved cross over to the MCF.

Realizing Spice’s command was really a request, I reply before I let myself get more caught up in thought. “I would never, never ever. To answer your question, I’ve had to push through it, time and time again, for survival. I’ve been on death’s door, over and over and over and over again. It’s not a method I’d recommend to anyone else.”

“Oh.” Spice sounds dejected, he deflates in my arms.

“But um, there’s two things that help me, we could try to work on your breathing.” My statement causes Spice to peer at me with just one eye.

“What’s the other thing that helps?”

I gulp, trying to fight back fear, and tears, “It, it, it used to be, “ I gulp again, shaking so hard I nearly drop Spice, he looks really confused, and concerned. “It used to be Teuila’s touch.” Realization dawns on his face as my knees buckle.

“That’s rough buddy.” Is all Spice manages to say in comfort. I give him a quick hug before I try to pick myself back up. I slowly stand up off the ground from where I’d fallen when my knees buckled.

“If um, if you’d like, we can talk about some things, some more. There’s more stuff, and sharing kind of helps lighten the load. I just, I might need some time to work up to it. Kay?” There’s a heat in my chest that’s slightly unpleasant as I try to convince Spice to talk with me about this later.

“Kay.” Spice hops away after responding, he and Sugar bound out of the domicile.

I don’t spy Lil. I know Lu left shortly after I started speaking with Lao. I’m dreading what comes next. Three individuals sit in a corner, one of them sneering slightly at me. I try to ask him, something, anything, as I mumble. “I. I. Um. I hope. I want. Are you. Did, um.”

Mata interrupts me, “Spit it out, I don’t have all day to wait for you to almost die on me again.” My eyes shoot wide as my jaw juts forward slightly, letting my mouth hang slightly open with slack. I basically have my face screwed up into the position to say the letter double-u. Mata slaps his hands over his own mouth. “Holy, wow, I did not mean that like that. I’m sorry. I mean, welcome back, but come on, dude, you can talk to me without stuttering. You kicked some major tail, and I’m sick of seeing you almost die is what I mean. Still don’t like you, but, yeah, sorry how that came out.”

I chuckle slightly, after having nearly freaked out. It really did sound like Mata straight up admitted to wanting me dead, or wanting me to go get into another near death experience again instead of bothering him. “I just, kind of want to know how you’re doing, what you plan, and if I could talk to the twins.”

“Oh, you know, same ol’ same ol’, whole life flip turned upside down. If you take a minute and sit right there, I’ll tell you all about it, from beach to pond.” His response is amusing, but pretty sarcastic. Plus my brain has a mild blue screen of death moment, again, as more imaginary screens fill with static. I guess I won’t get any further with him today. He makes a gesture that means something like “Be my guest,” indicating the twins.

“So uh, hey there guys. I just wanted to say I’m so sorry I was gone so long, and I.” I start to explain.

“Nah.” One of the twins interrupts. I’m a bit stricken as if someone slapped me.

“W, what? Please, I’m trying to ask for your forgiveness, just, just a chance.”

“You can’t, yeah you don’t have to, yeah, you weren’t gone.” The Mana twins talk over each other, finishing each other’s sentences. I’m really confused. Do they not understand that I was mentally checked out?

“But I was, I was trapped.”

“Nuh uh.”

“I’m telling you, I was, a bad thing kept me from really realizing what was going on at all. I couldn’t really think or do anything.”

“Hmmmmm. Nope. You were there, every time we needed you. You brought Mat back to us.”

“I, I didn’t really, the dam, it was more the girls who brought Mat back.” Mata grimaces slightly when I call him Mat, as the twins do.

“Not then, nope nope, not then!” They talk over one another again.

“Mataalii, I, what? Mata, what are they talking about?” Confused, I feel like the twins are giving me the runaround, but they seem to be trying to praise me, and they’re refusing my plea for forgiveness. I turn to the only other one that might be able to clarify what they mean.

“Ugh, why’d you have to tell ‘em. You little twerps. Fine, yes, I got myself in a spot of trouble, and there you were, riding your dragon, instantly, no questions asked. Is that enough? I don’t want to talk about it.” I’m a little perturbed at the way Mata refers to Lil as my dragon, it makes them sound like some kind of pet that I own, but I’m really perplexed. I had at least one adventurous encounter, while completely checked out? Lil? Are you around? Is that true?

“You betcha buddy. Aaaaand yeah, I wasn’t quite sure what to make of it, but suddenly out of nowhere you hit me with the tether, and pointed up the cliff. That’s when we found out Mata was sneaking off to explore up above. Or at least when I found out, somehow you knew.” Lil’s explanation floors me. They continue, “Yeah, it was still pretty obvious that you weren’t really there, it was like you were on auto pilot, not responding to anything. It was a pretty big ordeal, but you were still awesome, a bunch of stuff happened, and you got hurt real bad. We got Mat out of the situation though, obvee. Then we got to the edge of the cliff, you got off while I took Mata down, and you scared the pants off me, the pants that I don’t wear! You jumped off the cliff, but then you teleported to Mata. But then you left for a few days, we couldn’t find you anywhere. It was like you didn’t want anyone else to know you got hurt, like you were hiding Mat’s secret for him.”

Hearing this news flabbergasts me. I feel like my eyes are swirling around in their sockets, I get quite dizzy and topple side to side for a bit. As I stumble away, I mumble to the twins and Mat, “Uh, thanks, thanks. Yeah, uh, thanks.” Was I somehow working on some ability to keep track of my family? To know when they’re in trouble? Who was it that told me the things that caught me up slightly? Why did they leave out details? I thought maybe it was my subconscious having me read logs, but this is more like I had someone else take the wheel. Then, when I was ready, they happily stepped back, and just shared a few tidbits about what happened while I was away.

I need some time cuddling Luni and Lil. I’d like to say my whole inner circle, but I can’t handle the stress right now of being afraid while I try to catch up on affection, and their lives. I hope she forgives me. I guess I know she already does, it just hurts that I have to avoid her a bit longer.

“Guys? Lil, Lu? Can you hear me? Are you free to snuggle for a bit, and catch up?”

Both of them respond, quite gleefully, “Thought you’d never ask!” There’s giggling coming from them across the shared wavelength. They’ve been waiting pretty patiently over the last couple of days that I’ve been back, for me to get around to them. I feel like a huge jerk, but all I feel from them is love, warmth, and acceptance.

I’m confused as to where they might be, so I leave the building, and check around our campsite. Underneath my lean-to tent I find them, with open arms, figuratively in the case of Lil, and literally in the case of Luni. I sink into her embrace, laying partially on Lil. I lay on her lap, face up, my head resting slightly against her torso. Luni rests her hands on my torso, and they both wait patiently for me to be ready.

I spend an inordinate amount of time laying there in silence. I’m mostly content, but I feel that ache of a part of me that’s missing. A piece that’s like an entire third of my whole sense of self. I do find myself dozing slightly for a moment. I awaken to Luni playing with my hair, inspecting the white locks. She smiles down at me, then kisses her pawed fingertips, and flicks me in the nose with them. Her claws are the shortest of any of the family in the middle stage of evolution, and her hands are the most human in appearance.

I try to react to the weird indirect kiss, stating, “I, uh, heh, don’t know how to respond to that. I’ve missed you both, so much.” I find myself wondering how the family’s morphology can vary so much as I stare at Luni’s fingertips while I reply.

“And what do you think we were feeling? Of course we missed you too.” Luni playfully chastises me.

Lil further explains, “Yeah buddy, it sucked mega bad, mega mega mega bad to not feel you in there for so long. I love you pal, we love you, so much.”

I work up the courage to ask Lu one of several things I’ve been meaning to ask of her. “Sorry about that. Um, so, well. Lu? Do you, um, do you still want to sing? What are your dreams, and plans? Are you doing okay?”

“Totes! Still the same, mostly, just do this singing, storytelling, you know. I’m okay, and you don’t have to worry about my powers corrupting me or anything silly like that. I’m still gonna keep some secrets though, okay? Love you, but I can’t tell.”

“I love you too, all of you. So, there’s so much I want to know, but I know a lot of it I’m not ready for yet. Do you uh, do you guys ever check in on Luna?” I ask, timidly working the conversation towards the curiosities I want satisfied.

“Totes, whenever we go get some lumber. Thanks for the extra bag by the way! She’s doing fine, just guarding that pyramid, even though it’s empty now.” Luni answers.

“Extra bag?” I try to remember when I would have gotten an extra bag, especially one that I could hand to Luni.

“Oops, ignore that, you’re not ready. Shoosh, shoosh, next topic.” Lu smooshes my face around, playing with my cheeks, she’s successful at distracting me as I find myself laughing, trying to chase her hands with mine. One then the other keeps playing with my face.

Chasing them away reminds me of a time something like this happened before. I remember the pure joy of the moment, and try to hang onto just that feeling, without letting any other emotion filter in to taint it. Just when I think I’m going to falter and lose a pure memory, I catch both of Lu’s hands, and she intertwines her fingers with mine. Her action differs, so I’m brought out of my reverie to curiously stare at her.

Luni blushes, Lil coughs from their squished position, and suddenly Lu starts to remind me of Penina. Her demeanor becomes quite demure as she abashedly withdraws her hands. I remember her saying something about putting on a brave front. Is she doing it again? “Lu? Are you okay?”

“Um, so um, yeah, you remember right. I, I kinda, well, people like the confident me, so I do that, a lot. But um, I’m still me. You know? And that’s me, too! I’m not lying or faking! I just, um. I can’t be that all the time. Lil reminds me I can let go. Lil’s the best in all the world! I mean, to me, I feel that way, that is. ‘Cause, maybe cause yeah. I said so.” Luni trails off, mumbling by the end.

There’s so much to Luni. She’s a remarkable woman. I can imagine Lil and her exploring the wide spectrum of emotions together for extended lifetimes in the quickened shared thinkspace. I feel half of my face smiling deeply as my eyes droop again, contentedly. Lu takes my hands again, so I draw her hands down to my chest as I think at Lil, through our mental wavelength, to hop on my chest. Once Lil’s there, we’ve both got our arms wrapped around Lil, with my hands resting on Luni’s, on my chest.

Sighing contentedly, I approach what I know is going to set me into panic, but there’s no safer, calmer, sweeter place, or time, to ask than right now. “Lu? What, what happened, to, to, to Sylphie?” I choke a bit as I try to get the question out. My mind drifts to the fact that Sylphie was with me during the, the event. My mind spirals into panic, and my muscles seize up. My vision narrows as my pulse pounds in my head.

I regret that my two dear friends can sense what I’m feeling. Still, Luni does her best to answer. “Um, so, um, well, Sylphie said if something happened to her, that she couldn’t come back for a long time, and, and, and well, when she finally came back, she might not be the same. It was, um, kind of unclear, maybe? But I haven’t tried to call on her any time since, sorry. When I told her what might be happening, she um, she sounded like she knew she wouldn’t, or well, like she um, like something would happen to her. I don’t really know what she was, I only know she didn’t derez. Is um, that okay? I mean, enough?”

My eyes well with tears, and I clench them shut while replying. “Thank you Lu, thank you. I wish the answer was something different, but it was probably too much to hope. Thank you. Sorry you have to feel this with me. I’m so sorry.”

I try to focus on sensations, the sound of each of us breathing, the texture of Lu’s hands, or Lil’s scales. The rise and fall of our chests as we breathe in sync, slowly calming ourselves. I try to focus on Lil, my dearest, oldest friend, so I can finally ask them what they want to do now, what they’ve been up to, and how they are.

“Don’t even gotta ask buddy! I’m still workin’ on it! Growing up to be a big strong dragon, y’know? Always bigger and stronger! Well, maybe not too big, ‘cause then I couldn’t cuddle Lu and you. It’s just not the same. Or, or, or maybe I’ll become a great dragon! One that can change shape! I guess it wouldn’t be so bad to stay like this forever, but like, that’s definitely what I’d try to be, I’d try mega hard, mega mega mega hard.” As Lil rambles about their possible future form, I crack half a smile and chuckle. I lean forward ever so slightly to smooch the top of Lil’s forehead. Lil is so pure, and singularly focused. While Lu seems like a well of endless depth, Lil seems to be a shallow pond that extends to the horizon, reliable.

I really hope that didn’t sound like I was calling Lil shallow. I just meant that Lil’s pretty driven for just a couple of things, and those are everything to Lil. They don’t really change focus off of friendship, evolving, protection, and cuddles, and excitement to tackle each day. Maybe there’s a lot more of Lil’s depth that I just haven’t seen because, unlike Luni, I haven’t spent years with them in the accelerated shared thinkspace by now.

It’s only the middle of the afternoon, but with how comfortable and contented I am, I can’t help but doze off. I find myself happily sleeping the entire day away, embracing two of those most beloved to me.