An Age of Mysterious Memories

B 2 C 26: Do Everything You Can

I don’t have a plan, and that scares me. I can’t do diplomacy, since no one understands me outside of our family party. Some of the beavers already think I’m a violent thug, which, I guess I am, technically. You try being raised in the wilds, fighting for your life day in and day out, then having your family kidnapped, and being imprisoned. Let’s see how nonviolent you are to your captors. Ugh, I sigh, knowing that I’m not talking to anyone, and that I don’t want my beloved inner circle weighed down by my train of thought.

I look to Luna who has taken a seat a few dozen meters away. She’s a beautiful but imposing beast. Her snowy white, feathered fur doesn’t really make sense for this region, at least, according to what my memories tell me about ecologies and ecosystems. I remember how intimidating I thought she was, how intimidating she still is. She’s strong enough to knock any of us flying, repeatedly.

Hm, actually, what about intimidation? The problem with that is that sooner or later, some greedy little buttmonkey is going to want our gear, to make themselves feel powerful. Let me think this through, there’s only, what, three mostly full sets of equipment, and a couple of helmets. Lao’s, Mat’s, and Agwai’s full sets, the twins’ helmets. Lao and Agwai refused to carry weaponry, so there’s only one set of weapons, Mat’s. Huh, I wonder if Mata is peeved that I didn’t include him in the plan to fight Octorochi. He’d have been killed, he has to know I just wanted to spare him that risk, right?

This thought train isn’t helping. Hm, what if, instead of killing, we do a little of the ol’ “turnabout is fair play”? What if we kidnap the ones who’ve stolen Valkyrie gear, and make them come live with us. I don’t want to reward them for being buttheads though. I have to make it seem like a deterrent, but I can’t condone torture. Ugh, ethics, where are you when I need you. What’s the moral choice in this situation? Is there even one? What if I make a choice, and figure out a less murder-oriented solution some day down the road?

Okay, what’s like, the least torturous thing I can do, without killing someone, that’s still really deterring? Solitary confinement? I doubt it would get the point across. Solitary confinement with no food? That feels a little torture-ey to me. Plus I’d basically have to construct stone boxes around them with little ventilation slits and nothing else. They’d eat their way out of wood cages. What if the cage was partially submerged? They’d be able to get water at least on their own, and it would be tiring, if it was slightly deeper than neck level. I really don’t want to waterboard a beaver. Should I just march in, knock out anyone who stands in my way, and murder the everliving heck out of the remaining leaders of the MCF?

If I do that, then at least the sane faction will see that I still don’t kill indiscriminately. It still doesn’t feel good though. I really don’t want to ride the line of evil. I think these MCF leaders are full on evil though, their motivations sound fueled purely by lust for power. Okay, that’s one mistake I’m making. I’ve only heard one side of the story. Things are rarely so cut and dry between good and evil. This is going to be hard, but we have to go in, and hear it from the horse’s mouth what they want.

Finally, I share my conclusion with my party, “So, uh, this is going to sound stupid, probably, but I need us to all go in there, together, look out for one another, but take no guff from anyone. We need to find the ones wielding our Valkyrie gear, and any other so called leaders of the MCF, and sit down in a room together to parley. Obviously I’m going to need translators who aren’t going to immediately jump to the worst conclusions. We should probably get Sugar and Spice down here. Do you think they could handle dealing with this horrible nonsense?”

My party hems and haws. Teuila tries her best to answer, “I dunno Reg, this is, this is kinda risky. Sugar and Spice could get hurt in the crossfire if it goes south. You know?”

I sigh, and glance around at Lil and Luni for their input as well. Lil tries to approximate a shrug without shoulders, “Me or Te could maybe go get ‘em for ya, working on tryin’ to shift into our forms, Te would be the quickest obvee. I dunno though. I’d be happy to just waltz in and burn them for you if you don’t want to do no killin’ Reggie. Eat or be eaten is the only school I ever had before you.”

I flash Lil half of a smile and shake my head at their offer. “Thanks Lil, no, it’s not that I have a problem personally doing the killing, it’s that I just think there has to be a better way, one that doesn’t start a cycle of violence. Honestly, yeah, we could take out every last creature living here, even without our forms, even with our magic being limited by having to resort to gray and umbra, we’re still ridiculous as a party. That can’t be the right answer though, can it?”

Luni finally chimes in, “Hey, um, hero, maybe not everyone, but, I think maybe Te is right. Do you not trust me to be impartial if I’m your translator?”

Luni’s question strikes me like an icy dagger to the gut. While feeling as if I’d been struck a mortal blow, I can see horror and sadness on Lu’s face. I can’t form words as a gulp catches in my throat. I’m sure I look mortified that I implied in any way that I don’t trust Luni, of all people, after all we’ve been through, after all it cost me the first time I let my faith waver. My heart beats like a jackhammer inside my chest, screaming to escape, to throw itself at Luni’s feet in a begging of forgiveness.

Eventually my pulse slows, and slows, and slows, until it feels as if my heart stops beating, hanging to life by a thread. The world around me fades to blackness with a spotlight on Luni. Lu is then coated in umbra, and I fight away both the blackness blocking my vision, and the spotlight. Lil and Teuila are coated in umbra as well, and it’s the only thing I’m sure about in the world at this moment. Umbra, the shadows, the secret confessions in the dark, the calming comfort of shade, the only thing that truly matters is those that I share this energy with.

I snap back to reality, realizing that my party has been calling out for me for at least several seconds.

Lil tries to reach me first, “Hey, hey buddy, you checked out there for a few seconds, you okay?”

Teuila tries to form words as she catches my semi-vacant stare. She can’t seem to find how to express herself at the moment.

I gaze towards Luni who is turned away, clutching her sides, seemingly sobbing. I reach out mentally towards Lu, afraid she’ll block me out because I hurt her with my mistrust. Lu immediately reaches back and drags me into our private telepathic thinkspace.

Luni veritably tackles me towards our mental tree in a tight hug. She exclaims with tears in her eyes, “You didn’t hurt me, I, I hurt you! I, I knew what questioning your trust might do, I just, I forgot in the moment. I never want to hurt you like that, never, never ever. Also I don’t ever want you to feel manipulated like that, it was so wrong of me. Manipulation is always wrong, but, but, I didn’t mean to, I didn’t mean to, please forgive me. Please.” By the end her exclamation turns into a whimpered plea.

My heart aches and I hold Luni tightly. I feel all the strength drain out of even my telepathic avatar’s muscles. I try to gulp, and can’t even manage to do that. Lu is waiting for forgiveness. Forgiveness that I want to inform her that she already has. I want to tell her, but I’m so stricken and emotionally drained by this ordeal and the memories it brings back. I’m treading water to keep from being buried under, or drowning in my emotions, and that’s when I realize why Luni said what she did.

She’s still my trauma valve, the faucet that my extra trauma is poured from, or the basin it’s poured into. This whole horrid event brings me back to The Event. Without Luni right now, without how much of my emotions she’s taking on, I would go catatonic. I would be lost again in my own mind. At the very best, I might be on autopilot. It could be worse than that.

The roof of my mouth and back of my throat feel dry and cracked, even in my mental avatar’s form. I barely manage to croak out, “Lu, forgiven, always.”

She buries her face in my shoulder and continues to shed enough tears for the both of us, since I feel dried up inside, hollow, unable to move or process.

I think we spend a day or two just trying to work through our loop of shared pain. We must both look catatonic to Teuila and Lil, even if only for a couple of minutes. It takes about a minute and a half for a day to pass in here. Normally Lu can operate in meatspace and thinkspace simultaneously, though I have to be on a bit of autopilot to really dive in as an avatar. It doesn’t take that much concentration when I’m only going to send and receive one or two messages. Those sorts of times I can function normally with thinkspace active. But these times when I spend days, especially these days in this deep level with Luni, basically turn my brain off to the outside world.

Finally I feel like I have some control back, and that I won’t be dumping a catatonia-inducing trauma on Luni while I try to talk through our situation. Absolving her, I state, “Lu, we’re, we’re okay, I mean on my end. I’m so sorry for what my emotions do to you, what burden they place on you. If you can forgive me for that, then we’re definitely okay.” I gulp, looking to Lu for absolution as well.

Luni chuckles as she lets out a last few sobs, wiping tears away she says, “Of course I do. I wouldn’t take this on if I loved you any less, or couldn’t forgive you for them. It’s not even really forgiveness, I don’t need to forgive you because you didn’t do anything. Um, so, maybe, can we maybe just pretend like we just had some snuggle times and worked out that I’ll be your translator? Please? I don’t, um, if it’s okay, I don’t want to tell Lil and Te about this. They’d want to share the burden, and, and it would hurt them, it would hurt them if they could, and hurt them if they couldn’t, and, um, well, I don’t know how. And, and it’s, it’s kinda our special thing.” Midway through absolving me, Luni adopts the Shellcracker shyness expression, playing with her index fingertips.

My heart catches in my throat. Yeah, Luni’s right. Lil and Teuila would offer themselves up onto the fire that is the pyre of my traumatic emotions in a heartbeat. Plus, she’s right, she has translated before, and I need to not finish that train of thought or I’m going to end up going into an emotional coma. Squeezing Lu one last time to my side with my left arm wrapped around her shoulders, I nod. She floods adoration and apologetic thoughts into our private thinkspace enough to boot me back to reality.

Te’s tapping her foot impatiently, though she wears an extremely worried expression on her face, betraying her true thoughts. Lil is fretfully slithering back and forth between Lu and myself. I gasp and heave a massive sigh, it feels like I might have been holding my breath for the last few minutes while we were spending days in thinkspace. I blow the sort of exhalations that work to calm one down from hyperventilating as I suck down massive breaths of air.

I look to Lu, and I know what she wants me to say, what I’ve agreed to say, but my body language and aura probably betray what has really been happening. I think a query at her, and she relents. She affirms that she realizes we have to tell them. Neither of us want to lie to them

I stutter as I start, “So, um, hi guys, sorry about that. I just, I kind of realized how similar the situation we’re in is to the one that, well, the one that took me away from you all before. I was cracking pretty hard mentally. Lu scooped the pieces just then. The pieces of my psyche are pretty sharp and painful to hold. Uh, about a week ago now, Lu basically turned herself into my trauma faucet somehow. Though that was shut off while our thinkspaces were disabled, so I didn’t really catch on, or think all too much of it until this wave hit me just now. I’m sorry I didn’t share before, the thought didn’t really cross my mind.”

Teuila glares at the both of us, then walks between the two of us to cuff both Luni and me lightly in the back of the head as she drags us together. When we’re all close she drags us to a seated position and hugs us so tightly that I gasp for air. Te’s cheeks are radiating heat behind me as she loosens her hug slightly. Te starts to rant, “Heck Lu, come awwwwwn, you didn’t have to do this alone, you know I’d drop anything, do anything to ease this pain, to, to, to share this weight, this burden.”

Lu interrupts, “I know, in a heartbeat. I don’t know how to share though.”

Te interrupts in return, “Hah, darn right you don’t, I could hardly hang with Penina because you were always hogging her to yourself.” Teuila lightly slugs Luni in the shoulder, but then her mood sinks as she recalls our lost family member. Teuila also knows that Lu was referring more to the metaphysical sharing of the burden of my trauma, but she thought she was helping distract us from it. Until she saddened herself that is.

Teuila runs her hand through her own hair and scratches her scalp as her cheeks feel like radiant flames behind my head. She apologizes, “Uh, yeah, sorry. Ugh, Luuuuuuu, grr. I know, I know that you two, like, we’re all, you know, and you know that I, y’know, we all words. I didn’t mean to make you feel bad. Or to bring up grief, or, or stuff. Look, I’m sorry I’m not as good with emotions as you. Just, please don’t hog Reggie all to yourself? Not even the pain. I want to be there for both of you, fine yes, all three of you, through everything, better and worse, thick and thin.”

Luni sniffles and turns to hug Te, “I know, um, well, you know I love you too big sis, you’re my rock Te. I, err, couldn’t have gotten this far, I couldn’t handle this without you having my back. And, and, and I’d never, never ever, hurt you like that, not intentionally. Reggie and me both, never ever. They’re not going anywhere, and neither am I. I’m just trying to help make sure that we don’t lose them for a long time again. This last time was pretty bad. It almost turned into the time back then. Lil, me, Reggie, we all love you so much. And, yeah, um, maybe, maybe I do, about Reggie, like that, but we all do. And, um, and we all do about Lil too, you admitted it yourself. See, even Reggie’s blushing about it right now.” Lu adopts the Shellcracker shyness expression as she plays with her index fingertips.

Lu’s right, I’m blushing about the fact that I’m twitterpated with my three closest friends to various degrees. Lil catches my thought train and interrupts in a jocular fashion, “See, what’d I tell ya pal? Just wait, you’re gonna be all twitterpated even more, like, three, no five, no ten times more than with Lu or Te when I have arms! Just you wait for another couple of evolutions.”

The three of us burst into laughter at Lil’s assertions. Lil harrumphs and mumbles, “I’m serious, I’m gonna be awesome. You’ll see.” We all reach for Lil to bring them into a tight group hug centered on them.

I once again realize I haven’t been breathing in a while, and suck down a slightly ragged, sobbing breath before sighing as I catch up on air consumption. Wiping a tear of laughter from my eyes, I snuggle against the three most beloved to me. There’s this nagging feeling, like a tugging at my heart somehow connected to a faraway land. Not as painful as a stretched evolution tether, yet somehow even more distant, an even further, lonelier longing. A missing piece. Somehow it feels like that piece is right next to me, or they are right next to me, yet simultaneously so far away.

I find myself gazing at Luni and Teuila. Do they really not share my mysterious memories? Sometimes one or the other makes a reference, and Lu herself admitted to knowing about, what were they, fiscal responsibility and macroeconomics? It sounds like she would have been a college student taking economics courses. But Teuila’s are more subtle, the tapping of her wrist signifying a watch, the occasional quote or reference that hit me with a mental BSOD. Some of their references seem like they’re from different other worlds. What did Lu once say? The weight of all three worlds? Lil feels like the most here one of our group, if they’ve ever hit me with a mental BSOD I don’t recall it. Mata actually hit me with one once too.

Lu suddenly jumps into my mental thought train, “Bupbup bup bup, no guessing, stop guessing. I mean, um, please?”

I blush and snuggle against her apologetically in response. Alright, we’ve sort of got a course of action. I don’t want to make too many plans for the outcomes of the parley, because they’re mostly depressing. I wonder if I could bring Luna down into the dam. I gaze over towards Luna who huffs, somehow it sounds a bit like a horse’s huff, though she doesn’t appear to have lips. Luna plods over, and without warning, sits on the four of us. The weight would crush us all if we weren’t equipped with Valkyrie armor, and if Lil weren’t a squishy sphere creature. We gasp for breath under Luna’s tush.

Luna stands up, angles away to sit nearby and rests her head on the four of us. As we’re all recovering from our dazes, Luna picks me up, swats me back to the ground, picks me up, swats me back down, and repeats several times. She then trundles away, seemingly back towards the pyramid. I have no idea how to parse that whole interaction. I can’t tell if Luna likes me, or if I annoy the crap out of her and she puts up with me because I help her with the pyramid or feed her fish.

I guess, maybe it could be her way of saying see you later, like, you stay here or something when she knocks me down. Her sitting on us may have been a humorous thing to her, about the fact that she gave us a lift and we were sitting on her a bit ago. In my memories, animals are even more inscrutable, so at least Luna has an edge over them in communicating, even if only slightly. I guess she sort of heard the whole interaction. I’m fairly positive she understands speech, even mine, which is miraculous, since she’s not in our party. Maybe Luna was trying to say, “You might get knocked down, but you always get back up again.” If so, that’s kind of sweet.

Right, so, time to once again go try to not murder a bunch of people to protect my family. This has only happened a couple of times, but it’s already getting old, I’m sick of it. Oh, huh, I clenched my fist so hard my nails drew blood from my palm. Keep it together Reggie. You can keep it together.