Adventures of an Employed Planeswalker

"Welcome to McDonald's, can I take your ord- Wait, where the fuck am I?!"

At first, I thought I was having one of my weird dreams again. Pulling Dead Man's Shifts almost every day of the week into college exam time does weird things to your brain, that's for sure.

I still remember that nightmare... marrying a bear with cocaine in its nose while Freddy Krueger is your ceremonialist, all while hearing the distinct noise of wailing souls and smelling barbecue was not funny.

Maybe a little after I woke up, but CERTAINLY NOT DURING!

Ahem... back to the present, I feel like I was permanently flash-banged or something. Everything is white. But somehow I'm sitting in something and there's this weird shape in front of me. It almost looks like a table.

"Oh my, you recovered fast, dear." Came the voice from... somewhere.

Suddenly someone appeared across the table (I knew it was a table!) sitting in a white shape; a white chair.

"Why is everything here white? Hurts the eyes, man."

"Hm, I do apologize for that. You see, we didn't expect someone up so soon, so we haven't quite managed to tidy everything up yet. Do you have any preferences?" Asks the person. The more I look at them, the more their shape seems to change. Eventually, it settled into a beautiful, mature-looking woman, the type that stands out first because of their apparent approachability and then you realize they were a bombshell this whole time.

"Anything but this whole white nightmare. Maybe something classy?" I try rubbing my eyes, only to finally realize a VERY important thing.

I have no body.

Almost like sensing my growing panic, something starts appearing in place of my body. It seemed to be changing shapes, not quite unlike what the woman across from me was doing, until it settled into something that closely resembled my body. But something was particularly different, I just can't quite put it into words...

A clap draws my attention back to the woman and I see her apologetic smile.

"I do understand your growing curiosity, concern, panic, and many other emotions I'm sure you are feeling," She gestures with her hands as she speaks, though her listing my emotions is not really calming me down. "But I have things to say to you and you have things to do. So, first things first, My name is Lisa and it's nice to meet you!"

Taken aback at first, I manage to swallow the lump in my throat and answer. "...Matthew."

"It is nice to meet you indeed Matthew! Can I call you Matt? Seems a bit more personal, but rolls better off the tongue." She seems to be very upbeat.

"... sure thing, Lisa." Although I recognize what she is doing, I kind of appreciate it anyway.

"Well, like I said, I have things to say to you. First of all, congratulations! You were one of the randomly selected emergency agents! I know, I know "Agents?" you must be thinking. Also, no I am not reading your mind." -banana bread banana bread- oh, ok then. "... Were you thinking something strange?"

"NO! I mean no, not at all." Is my very convincing response.

She eyes me weirdly but soon shakes it off. "Your universe was unfortunately wiped due to certain anomalies growing out of control due to particularly incompetent agents." She seems very displeased, she looks like a disappointed mom. 

That reminds me, I should visit home in my... no wait a minute.

"Wait a minute... Did you just say my universe was wiped?!" Here it is. Accelerated heartbeat, dilated pupils, perspiration... yep, anxiety attack.

Lisa reaches out across the table and grabs my hand. Her hands are warm and soft and they are here. Slowly, yet faster than usual, I come down from my attack even if I'm still thinking about it all... how? WHY??

"I'm sorry dear, I was very inconsiderate, but there is no way of sugarcoating this. Everyone and everything you knew is no more. I am truly sorry." Her squeezing of my hands makes it seem like she means it. 

"But how? Everything was fine... or rather why??" I was still grieving for my mom and my dog. Why did they take away my baby???

"As I said, some of the agents of our organization were very irresponsible and it culminated in your universe and a few others being wiped. I know it doesn't make it better and this is not compensation, but all the souls in the universes implicated were transferred to some of the agency's Heavens and Hells, all according to our Code of Conduct when dealing with such things I'm sure you will be-" Agency's Heavens and Hells? Code of Conduct? I must be tripping balls, there's no way.

"Pay attention to me now, Matthew. You were selected, amongst a few other souls that had potential, to be new agents of our Agency. The Agency is called Omniverse Anomaly Patrol, or OAP for short. We detect and deal with anomalies in Universes, Multiverses, Megaverses, and all the in-betweens. Although there are an infinite number of Universes and Multiverses and Megaverses, some of those are born with anomalies or are corrupted over time by the Creatures From Beyond."

Just by hearing from those creatures, I felt a shiver. Lisa squeezed my hand tighter and finally released, sitting back in her chair. Now noticing the surroundings, it was no longer that all white aberration but rather a comfortable room made of polished wood. It even had a fireplace to our right that radiated a comforting warmth, some paintings on the wall, and statues here and there. Overall, a cozy and... classy place.

Lisa smiles and gestures to the room. "You have a pretty good taste."

"I do? But wasn't it you who did this?" I was genuinely confused.

"Well, we had to draw inspiration from what you found "classy", as you put it. So here we are." I knew she was reading my mind! banana bread banana bread banana bre-.

"You can stop now. What we do is not direct mind reading, it's more of a... query to your stray thoughts - and you have a lot of those by the way - and they give us what we asked. I guess it's like telling you to not think of the mole on your grandma's pelvis and there you go." AH THAT WAS GROSS!!!!

My face scrunching up in disgust must have been funny because Lisa soon started laughing softly. 

"Yeah yeah very funny digging up carefully buried horrible memories, I'm sure you're proud of yourself." So the Banana bread strat is not gonna work... bollocks.

"Getting back on track, that is what happened and that is what the Agency does. And yes, we do have a Code of Conduct, but that is mainly for our administrative staff. You and the souls of this emergency recruitment are all going to be field agents, at least until you prove yourselves, so what is important for you to know is: In each and every World you go to, whether it's a singular universe, a multiverse or a megaverse or a cluster of any of the above, you have an assignment. Anomalies crop up in different manners and for each World, so the assignment target might differ." Lisa looked very professional when talking about this agency. Guess she does take her "job" seriously. 

"Riiight... so, just to sum it up: someone from your Agency wiped a few universes, and now I'm just expected to work for you? Just like that? What does this job even entail?"

"Well, you have to solve the Anomaly. That's it, essentially. Oh, and you should strive for Universal Stability while you do it, but for the first few Worlds that's not really a concern since you most likely won't be able to mess with that to the point we cannot put it back together."

Universal Stability. I... I'm not even...

"...All that aside, pray tell, how THE HELL would I, a 23-year-old biology student, even upset UNIVERSAL STABILITY???" Immediately after the outburst, I regretted letting my frustrations out on her. "I'm sorry it's just... a lot to take in I guess." 

Lisa does not seem fazed, only waiting for me to calm down before a big book appears on the table. "If you choose to keep working for the Agency, that might one day become a possibility. The reason for our high successful recruitment rate is due to our benefits and bonuses being very generous!" She says this while smiling, almost like I didn't just scream in her face. Man, what an embarrassment... 

"You see, to every world you go you are allotted a certain amount of "resources" as the Agency says, and they can be converted into Powers, Abilities, Special Items, and Perks. All of those become a part of you once you choose to integrate them unless stated beforehand. As you are the first one to recover and..." She looks at her wrist where a watch that definitely was not there before blinks a few characters on its visor. "The only one for quite a while, you can peruse your options quite patiently. Oh! You and the other recruits have a bonus to your resources, so you can get really strong if you choose wisely!"

Lisa palms the book and pushes it towards me. On its cover is what I think seeing the night sky would be without all the pollution. A view of the all-consuming void filled with bright stars.

"Come on, open it!" Lisa urges me. 

Well, let's see where this madness is taking me...