Academy’s PTSD Chaplain

14 – 14. Fingers (8)

“Father Lucio, what are you doing?”

I turned my head. Helena playfully smiled and poked my side.

“Helena.”

“You were reading another strange book, weren’t you?”

“A strange book, you say…”

I closed the book I was reading. The rough leather cover had the title “101 Actions for Positive Thinking” engraved on it.

“There you go. It seems like a strange book indeed.”

“It’s surprisingly interesting. Would you like to read it too?”

“Pff… never mind.”

I placed the book on the old table. Helena, now holding a cigarette, lit a match.

“Quit smoking.”

“It’s my only pleasure~ Ah, the match broke.”

The first grace of God, fire, did not come to Helena immediately. Only marks of desperate friction were left on the striking surface of the matchbox.

“Really… you have to use three or four matches just to light a cigarette?”

“Because it’s humid… but at least the rain has stopped.”

“It was sickening. The ground was all mush, and the trench was filled with stagnant water… sigh…”

“The soldiers must have suffered.”

“But didn’t we suffer too?”

That’s true. I remember being covered in mud from head to toe when I volunteered to help with the trench repairs, following Helena’s lead.

“…When will the war end?”

“Hmm… will it ever end?”

The smoke from Helena’s cigarette flowed out in the shape of a shelter, slowly scattering outside the trench. I glanced outside the trench. Heavy dark clouds were busy crossing the sky.

“Looks like it’s going to rain.”

“They said the weather would be clear today.”

“Who said that again? Boermann?”

“It was Boermann, yes.”

“That son of a bitch, his weather forecasts are always wrong. It’s never been accurate.”

“It is surprising that Boermann became a weather observer.”

Sigh…

The wind suddenly changed direction. This time, Helena’s cigarette smoke flew towards me. I frowned.

“Can’t you stop smoking?”

“Father Lucio, I’ve been curious for a while… why do you dislike smoking and alcohol so much?”

“I’ll ask you the same question. Why does a priest like you smoke so much?”

Helena chuckled. Ignoring me, she took a drag of her cigarette and exhaled.

“Avoid cigarettes and alcohol. Such a phrase is not in the doctrine. So, it should be fine, right?”

“…Sure. If you think so, then it must be fine.”

We remained silent for a while. Helena quietly smoked her cigarette while looking at the smoke, and I sipped on the Earl Grey tea I had prepared.

“I’ve been drinking a lot of black tea lately. It seems like you used to prefer something sweeter.”

“You know. It’s hard to find cocoa these days. So I just drink black tea to satisfy my cravings.”

“Maybe it’s because I drink it so often that Father Lucio’s taste has adapted to mine?”

Helena had a particular fondness for black tea. It suited her taste with its bitter and deep flavor. For me, it was just a cheap and bitter low-grade black tea, nothing more.

Nevertheless, even I gradually became captivated by black tea.

“No, it’s just that nowadays I think this is also good.”

Actually, she was right. As I drank it frequently at her suggestion, I eventually became influenced by Helena. Our tastes, values, and even thoughts began to align.

“Would you like a cup as well?”

As I took out another tea bag, I asked Helena. She responded with a smile.

“Sure. Please.”

That slight upturn of her lips, a sweet smile. I liked that smile.

It wasn’t forced or fake, nor was it a smile born of exasperation, but rather a smile that naturally formed out of sheer happiness. Her cheeks had a slight blush, and her beautiful smile brought out a rosy hue.

I liked it. I’m not sure why. Maybe it was infatuation. On the battlefield, you either forced a smile or smiled out of frustration. There were no other options.

Nevertheless, I undeniably liked her smile.

I handed Helena a perfectly brewed cup of black tea. As she received the teacup, she asked.

“Would you like some sugar?”

“You don’t like sweet things. Shall I add some?”

“No, thank you. I appreciate it.”

Helena didn’t like anything sweet. I still remember when she gave me all the cocoa that occasionally came with rations.

We quietly sipped our black tea. I didn’t use much of mine, thanks to the numerous sugar cubes I added.

“…Bitter.”

“It’s bitter, isn’t it?”

Yet, the taste was still bitter. As expected, bitter things didn’t suit my palate. I watched Helena, who alternated between enjoying black tea and cigarettes.

“…What does a cigarette taste like?”

“Oh my, are you interested in cigarettes now?”

Helena covered her mouth with her hand and started teasing me. Chuckling, I took another sip of the bitter black tea.

“Just curious.”

“Hmm… How should I describe the taste…”

After deeply inhaling the smoke from her cigarette, Helena momentarily held her breath. Curious about what she was trying to do, I looked at her.

Thump. Thump. Thump.

The smoke from the donut-shaped cigarette wafted into the air, and within it, small donuts continuously disappeared. I stared blankly at the sight.

Looking at me like that, Helena laughed playfully.

“Like this taste?”

“…Well, it’s…”

“Ahaha… just an ordinary tobacco flavor. Slightly spicy.”

As she spoke, Helena extended the cigarette she was smoking towards me.

“Wanna try it once?”

“….”

Perhaps it was what was lingering in Helena’s mouth, the cigarette had softened a bit. After hesitating for a moment, I put the cigarette in my mouth.

“That’s right. Like that, put it in your mouth and slowly inhale.”

“With my mouth?”

“Yes. With your mouth.”

Swoosh— Hoo….

The tobacco smoke billowed up. Helena looked at me like that and chuckled softly.

“How is it?”

“Well…”

Once again, I inhaled and exhaled.

“…Not bad.”

“Isn’t it?”

With the pungent and bitter aroma accompanied by a hint of spiciness, it wasn’t bad.

Helena, tucking her blonde hair behind her ear, took the cigarette I had asked about. Over the tobacco I had put in my mouth, Helena’s lips gently covered mine.

I subtly turned my head.

“….”

The taste of the first cigarette I ever smoked remained vividly in my memory.

No matter how desperately I tried to erase it, it remained indelibly etched.

“Luchio Priest.”

“Hmm?”

Helena, who was smoking a cigarette, now picked up a cup of tea. Putting an extra piece of sugar in my black tea, I turned to look at her.

“You’re aware that I used to be a professor at the academy, right?”

“I suppose… Did you mention that you were a professor before coming here?”

“Yes. Actually, I’m quite an impressive person, you know?”

Helena smirked again, and I responded with a wry smile.

“Yeah, truly impressive. Hail Sister Helena, the best.”

“Really though… You worked at that academy so famous that everyone would recognize it just by the name, right?”

“Hmm… Where is that?”

This time, Helena chuckled and lit a cigarette. She casually placed the teacup on the table and took a deep drag of the cigarette.

“Well… It’s a secret.”

“What?”

As my expression changed, Helena burst into laughter.

“Ahaha! Look at your face, Father!”

“Oh, come on.”

“Haha… Just kidding. I’m joking, Father Lucio. Relax, I went too far.”

Actually, I wasn’t really upset. I quickly eased my expression and sipped the slightly sweetened tea.

“If you were a professor at such a famous academy, why volunteer for the war? Educators weren’t usually subject to conscription.”

“Ahaha… That’s true.”

A moment of silence passed. In the solemn atmosphere, only the sound of Helena sipping her tea and me tinkering with the teacup echoed.

“… Maybe I’m just naturally foolish.”

“What are you suddenly talking about?”

“People around me always said that. That it was a foolish decision. Why do such a thing? Why go to a dangerous battlefield? What’s the reason for that?”

Helena laughed bitterly. I stared at her blankly.

“One day, a student from the theology department, someone I really cared about… said they were dropping out. I asked why they would do such a thing. And then…”

“…And then?”

“Their father died on the battlefield, and the family’s situation became difficult… They couldn’t afford tuition anymore. So, they volunteered for the relief corps to support their mother and siblings… That’s what they said.”

“…”

“Hehe… Despite my efforts to dissuade them, that student eventually left for the battlefield. But you know, Father Lucio, I couldn’t just stand there watching my students willingly enter the war with their own feet… It seemed foolish to me.”

I silently waited for her to continue. However, a long pause followed, and she didn’t continue.

Helena raised her head, her eyes reddened. I didn’t ask for the reason.

“I tried to stop that student until the end. Asking why they would make such a stupid decision. But, Father Lucio…”

The cigarette hanging from her fingertips trembled slowly. I gently patted her shoulder as she lowered her head.

“Do my words to that student sound familiar to you?”

“Helena.”

“Strange, isn’t it? Talking about foolish behavior and then engaging in foolish behavior myself.”

Helena laughed foolishly. Her mouth wide open, eyes sparkling with mischief.

“Anyway, that’s why I came here.”

I handed Helena a handkerchief without saying a word. It was a pristine white handkerchief I always kept clean, even if her clothes got dirty or she ended up rolling in the mud.

Helena took the handkerchief carefully, dabbing away her tears. Transparent flowers seemed to bloom on the handkerchief.

After wiping her tears for a moment, Helena returned the handkerchief to me and asked.

“Um… Father Lucio, are you well-versed in theology?”

“Well, more or less… Living in a rural village, there’s not much to do besides studying theology when you’re not working part-time.”

“The children seem to like you.”

“Do they?”

Helena smiled delicately, a powerless smile, like a tragic heroine.

“If, someday, I can’t go back to the academy even after the war is over… Would Father Lucio take charge of the theology department for me?”

“…Don’t say such things, even as a joke.”

“If it’s not a joke?”

I put the teacup down with a loud noise. This time, I was a little angry. But Helena continued without any concern.

“Father Lucio, I… I hold my students very dear.”

“….”

“Is it because I was abandoned at birth? Because I was an orphan? Is that why I crave affection?”

“No, it’s not…”

“No, it’s true. That’s why my students are so precious to me. I’m grateful to the academy that accepted me more than anything.”

Helena gazed at me earnestly. I met her eyes.

“So, Father Lucio, please promise me one thing.”

Her green eyes, moistened with tears, were beautiful. The clear, emerald-like color reflected my image like a mirror, captivating my heart.

“If I can’t go back even after the war ends, please take care of the theology department in my place.”

So, that’s it, that’s what she wanted to say.

“…I promise.”

I couldn’t refuse.

That’s all there was to it.

* * * * *

“……”

My eyes opened on their own. I slowly sat up.

“Where is this…?”

A cracked voice. At the same time, an intense thirst surged to the point that my face contorted. I looked around the room slowly.

My room. It’s my room. I was lying on the bed in my room.

Now, it’s the dormitory for the staff of the Chaldea Academy in Caldea, which has become familiar. I gazed blankly at the familiar scenery of the room.

“My, my arm…”

I felt my right arm. The severe spasm that was happening in my right arm had subsided. The pain also seemed to have gone away.

Then, that finger. Giovanni’s finger stained with blood?

I looked around. On the bedside table, there was something wrapped in cloth along with a note. I carefully unfolded the folded note.

– Sir Giovanni, I will go and check on the workshop. If you wake up, please don’t go anywhere and stay at home.

“Sophia-Bujae”…

I couldn’t help but laugh. The stubborn tone was evident even in the note. I had used up all my strength.

I unraveled what was wrapped in the cloth. It turned out to be a handkerchief, not cloth. And it seemed to be Sophia-Bujae’s.

I untied the handkerchief, and inside it was a shriveled finger that I had seen before. I wrapped the finger back in the handkerchief again.

Just like the finger, I lifted the cup that was on the bedside table.

It was still filled with cool water. It seemed like Sophia-Bujae had prepared it as well. I drank the water in one breath.

The cold water flowed down my throat. Strangely, I had a strong urge to smoke after my intense thirst was quenched.

I opened the drawer attached to the bedside table and took out a cigarette case that was inside.

“…Mast.”

I put the lone unlit cigarette in my mouth and headed towards the balcony.

I leaned against the railing. Close to noon, the sound of lively students’ laughter could be heard.

As I drew a match on the matchbox, there was a sharp sound and the match broke.

“……”

I stared at that match for a long time. Really, for a very long time.

I took out another match from the matchbox and lit it. The flame quickly caught on to the end of the cigarette.

“Smh… Hoo…”

I focused on quietly lighting the cigarette. The tobacco that disappeared into the air one by one as it fluttered in the empty space seemed unbearably melancholic.

“…It’s bitter.”

The scent of the cigarette filled my lungs, bitter yet refreshing.

It was the familiar scent of parsley.