A Gamer's Guide To Beating The Tutorial

Aaaaaaaaaaand… there we go!

The rats look at me disapprovingly, which is really rich, coming from them.

What? Don’t you like the taste of your master’s flesh? Well, I’m sorry, but we’ve been here for almost a month, and I need to wait for a few more hours before I beat this floor. So if you want to not die, then you’ll just have to keep nibbling at this wizard guy. I wonder who chained him down here, anyway? I almost feel like pitying him, but at the same time, I’m too tired of rat meat to not dislike him at least a little. Couldn’t he have summoned something else, too? Like, I don’t know, a flabby pig, or even a cow? Mmmh, I can’t imagine how good those would taste right now…

“Haah, haah, haah…” The wizard in question draws in a few raspy breaths. His tired eye peers out from beneath a furry WHITE eyebrow. “K—kill me…”

“More magic,” I tell him. “More rats.” But he isn’t making more magic or more rats, and the rats he’s summoned so far aren’t nearly enough for me to make a full-body ratsuit with accompanying cloak, boots and tophat, so my words fall on deaf ears. Annoyed, I grab his no-longer-chained hand and waggle it around a bit. Or, I guess, what used to be his hand. Now, it’s basically just a stump. When I first fought him, he wore rings, but then they all exploded, and without the rings, his fingers exploded. In the end, he got so desperate that both of his hands exploded. And that would be all nice and dandy, but now he isn’t even trying to summon more rats! Very disappointing.

The few rats still scurrying around aren’t too impressed by my tophat, which is likewise upsetting. Now I have a tophat and boots and cloak, but the actual ratsuit—the tour de force of this outfit—is tragically missing. Really, at this point, I’d do basically anything for more rats, including but not limited to: torture, homicide, wrongful imprisonment, arson—

…Oh? I haven’t been receiving many of those as of late, so with any luck, this might just be the one message I’ve been waiting for! Absently stroking the rat currently gnawing off my hamstrings, I open up the message.

Hey Kitty! Congratulations on

beating the floor! How did it go?

Did you use the strategies I mentioned

to clear it, or did something else happen?

You can tell me whatever happened,

even if you think I might not like it.

We’re both almost adults, after all.

And how did it go with Vann? Did he

choose to join you in the end?

I look forward to hearing from you,

and good luck with the twenty-third floor!>

I pause my rat-stroking. Ah. Hum.

Well… that’s a good question, actually. How did it go with Vann? Last I saw him, he was on the boat, with all the… Yeah. It isn’t really important, so I don’t see any use in talking about it. Now, how to express that to Moleman…

Bringing the plump rat in my hand to my face, I absently bite off its head, chewing and swallowing the crunchy thing before bringing my fingers to the keyboard.

Nah. dunno.

btw how r u doing? gg>

And… send! There we go. I’m really curious to hear what he’s been up to since the last time we spoke. Honestly, not meeting him every other month at the server symposium is making me a bit antsy. Hm. Then again, now that I’m no longer on floor twenty-two, can’t I go to the server symposium again? Yeah, sure, they want to execute me and whatever, but if we ignore that, I’m sure we can have a nice meet-up!

Ahh, I’m already looking forward to it… Oh! And now, since my inventory works properly, I’ll be able to bring him the things I find! So it won’t just be him treating me to various foreign delicacies, but rather a mutual sharing of yummy foods.

I look down at the half-eaten rat in my hand. Hm. I take another bite, tiny bones crunching and little organs popping. I think I read somewhere that the French enjoy eating frogs and birds whole, organs and heads and all. Maybe this is a delicacy somewhere? It isn’t too bad, honestly. Good fat-to-muscle ratio, and the bones are sure to strengthen my teeth, as well as my internal bleeding resistances.

If only I had more rats…

I look down at my captive wizard again. He doesn’t look very responsive. Let’s see, the time is…

<14:33:59

Day 880>

9:26:01>

Well, would you look at that? It’s beat-the-floor o’ clock!

I stab the wizard’s chest and pull out his heart. Huh. Now that I’m looking at it, this heart looks a bit darker than it does for most people. Might just be the lighting, of course. It is quite glum down here.

If only to liven up the mood a little, I take a bite of the heart. It tastes the same as all other hearts I’ve eaten, so there’s nothing to mention.

<[Level Up]

Strength has increased by 3.

Stamina has increased by 2.

Don’t-Worry-About-It! has increased by 1.

Bacteria Protection has increased by 1.>

the following skill:

[INSERT SOME RANDOM SKILL HERE]>

I stare at the message in front of me. Uhuh. Great skill, guys. I’ll be sure to use it well.

To make my deadpan expression twice as powerful, I grab a nearby rat and hold it up next to my face. See? Double the judgment. Twice the emotional damage.

sighs and requests a

volunteer to oversee the giving

of skills and items to

Hell Challenger Lo Fennrick.>

excitedly volunteers himself.>

<[Oops,]>

<*Himself>

scans the area for any suitable

volunteers to handle this grave task.>

notes a striking lack of suitable volunteers.>

would very much like to be of assistance,

pretty please?>

pretends not to see anything.>

…I don’t even… Okay, listen, man… God of harvest? I don’t know if you’re listening in on this, but just… get it over with. I didn’t expect anything anyway. Let the man have his fun.

thanks Hell Challenger Lo Fennrick

for his agreeable and sensible nature.>

hesitantly petitions the

God of Comedy

to oversee the giving of

sensible skills and items to

Hell Challenger Lo Fennrick.>

swears full allegiance to the Tutorial Team

and solemnly declares his willingness to fulfill

this duty to the greatest of his abilities,

with the greatest care,

and also the greatest respect,

and the greatest [insert buzzword here].>

<[Oopsie,]>

<*His>

accepts the God of Comedy

for the role of Limited Overseer

with the greatest reluctance.>

wishes luck to the God of Comedy.>

does a mock-salute.>

instantly regrets His decision.>

asserts that he thought for sure

the God of Harvest

had left already.>

You know what? I’m starting to relate to the god of harvest. I know I’ve clowned on this dude over the years, but now that I’m faced with an even bigger clown, I can’t help but wonder what kind of working conditions he’s under.

waits a moment before

noting that the cost is clear.>

<[Hehe.]>

…That’s not a good sign. Should I be worried? I’m worried. I’m still in the floor with all my lovely rats, alone with this guy. And, sure, hopefully the God of Pain is also watching, but I doubt that He’s the kind of guy who would stop any ongoing shenanigans.

<[Hey.]>

I squirm a little where I sit.

…Hey?

<[How badly do you want

more rats?]>

Um… I pull a few of the rats closer to me. Fairly badly, I suppose. If you want someone in specific killed, I can handle that, or…

<[Not necessary. All i’m saying is…

If you want more rats, i can get you rats.

However, i need you to not rat me out in turn.

Harvest wants me to pick a random trash-tier

skill from the bin but that’s boring.

Like what use could a guy like you have for

[Amateur Juggling (Lv.1)]?]>

…Well—

<[Don’t answer that one.

The answer is: none.

Because it’s boring! Dull! Idiotic!

No, what you need is good skills.

The fun type.

And i’ll give it to you.

But only if you don’t tell harvest!]>

Okay, listen man… How the heck would I even tell harvest? I’m literally just a human! I have no way of even contacting your sort! What, do you expect me to pull out my little totally-existent cell phone, dial the number for emergency divine services, and then expect someone of importance to answer? It just won’t happen.

…In short, just hand over the rats and no one gets—

There’s an echo of laughter. From… somewhere. It isn’t young, or old, female or male… Mere laughter. Barely even human. This is how I’d describe the laughter of a rat, I think—if only rats could laugh.

<[You will have it!

Yes, my friend, you will have it.

Have your rats!

And, in the meantime,

i will be watching you.

Don’t let me down,

buddy.]>

…I don’t exactly know how or why, but I can tell that he’s gone. And in his wake, I find…

the following skill:

[Summon Rat (Lv.1)]>

Wait. Seriously? No way. Did he actually…? I can’t believe it. I have to test this out right this very—