A Gamer's Guide To Beating The Tutorial

It’s dark. It isn’t cold, but the water and the humidity makes it feel colder than it really is. I’m… underground again? But not in a cave. There’s dirt below me, and also above me. I can’t hear much of anything beyond this, but I can see a pale stream of light fluttering in through a nearby hole leading up. Yeah, this is a hole. I can barely crawl, much less actually sit up. No, wait, if I allow my natural gamer hunch to solidify into a gamer crunch, I can sit upright.

…For some reason, this is kind of… comfortable? I mean, with the non-warmth and non-cold of the dirt. And with the silence. Dirt is pretty soft, huh... Oh, shoot, I forgot to remove my goblin disguise! Better change into something more standard if I’m to meet humans…

Not that I got the opportunity earlier. You know. What with being forcefully abducted against my will, that is. Something we in the crime business colloquially call ‘kidnapping.’ Yeah. That’s what you did to me, gods. I know you’re listening in! Don’t think I can’t hear your mouthbreathing against my neck, sodomites!

Grrr. And I was this close to beating the floor, too…!

Hmpf. No use crying over spilt blood, I suppose. Though, I do kind of want to stay in this hole for a little longer…

Just… to relax… a little…

Tutorial Tournament!>

My eyes snap open. I—who—what—!? Oh. It’s just the status thingy.

What, now it’s a ‘tutorial tournament?’ No consistency. Typical.

Your current rank (solo): N/A

[Sign up at the colosseum to

receive your allotted time]>

Ranks? Colosseum? Well, well, well, now we’re talkin’ tournament arc!

I kind of wanted to snooze a little longer, but I’m not too interested in being a snoozer-loser, so although it pains me, I reluctantly drag myself out of my hole and into the light like a bear emerging from hibernation. Yaaaawn, okay, so, where is this colosseu—

I stare straight ahead. I blink once, and then once again for good measure. Experimentally I turn my head to view what’s behind me. Same answer.

I am surrounded by nothing but barren, arid wasteland.

I’m surprised I can’t spot any dried-up ox skulls, or even one or two tumbleweeds, though I expect this world has neither. But, still. It’s just… Emptiness. Ah, save for this one, lone sign right next to the hole I spawned inside. Pulling myself to my feet, I give it a good once-over. Now, let’s see here…

<[Hole]

Property of

Hell Challenger Lo Fennrick>

…Hole?

I glance down at the hole. Yep, that’s a hole. It’s… my hole. My own hole. No one else's. My own property.

I, uh. I don’t think I’ve ever owned my own piece of property? Sure, if I’d played my cards right as a child and whatnot I might have stood to inherit the family home, but this is… This is something else. A hole. My hole.

The hole.

Biting a hole in my finger, I add ‘The’ in front of ‘Hole’, to designate that this is not merely ‘a hole that happens to be owned by some dude,’ but rather that this is ‘The Hole,’ a much grander and more specific hole, owned by a much grander and more specific dude. Yes, this is correct. This is how it shall be. Good.

…My hole. Hehehe.

—That aside, I still can’t see any colosseum. Which is, you know… Not in my best interest. If I turn my face skywards, I find it dark, save for the five morbillion stars. If I turn my face to the clock, I find my answer.

<3:58:54

Day 541>

29:20:01:06>

Day 2 of 5>

Ah. It’s in the middle of the night. Yeah, that explains the dark sky. It does not, however, explain the lack of a colosseum. Am I to suppose that the ground eats it at night? No. I am not so cleverless. There is an answer to this, and I will find it.

And I have all I need right here. Sniff sniff sniff sniff. Object localized. Sniffer analysis engaged. Calculating distance based on sniff potency. Wind removed from calculations. Pants: shidded. Sniff inhibitors disengaged. Calculating…

I turn towards the hypothetical south. There it is. I can’t see it, but I can smell it. Approximately seventy-five kilometers away.

Why the heck is my hole, the hole—aka the centerpiece of all future nightlife activity—seventy-five damn kilometers from the colosseum? Who is sabotaging my pimp potential?!

With such an accusation burning in the back of my throat, I get down on all fours and begin running towards the colosseum. The wind is on my back.

If you told me a year and a half ago that I’d become the type of person who could run seventy-five kilometers in the span of five hours without taking a single break other than to instinctively kill and butcher a two-legged goat within the span of a single minute, I would have asked you if you could spare some loose change. But you wouldn’t have been wrong. Just the opposite, as a matter of fact.

And I didn’t break a bone even once! Ahh, the sweet rewards of mindless grinding…

By the time I can actually see what I’m heading for, the sun is coming up a little and I have reached a zen state. I am transcendent. However, transcendence doesn’t actually grant wisdom, so it’s only when I pull up to the twenty-meter tall walls that I realize that what I was heading for wasn’t a colosseum, but rather the walls of a city surrounding said colosseum. It’s a good wall, too. Very sturdy. Difficult to break down even with all the pent-up teenage angst I’ve saved up for such an occasion.

Since I’m a rational person, I take a walk around the walls, looking for the entrance.

Spoiler alert, there is none. No way in, no way out. But I know this is the place, because I can smell people in there, and food, and items, and just the slightest twinge of bloodshed. I really hope they haven’t started killing each other without me.

Okay, so, since there’s no entrance and I’m not beefy enough to Hulk-smash my way through, I’ll simply have to let my recessive squirrel genes do the talking and get climbing. Luckily the stones protrude pretty well, and there’s a fair amount of cracks and crevices to stick my grubby little fingers into, so the climbing goes well.

Climb Lv.10>

Scale Lv.1>

And with only a little bit of blood, sweat, tears and a few fingers here and there as tuppence, I have reached the top of the wall. What lies before me is a perfectly circular city, each quarter almost perfectly mirrored in the others, at least in terms of roads. In the very center stands what I can only assume is the colosseum, which is a grandiose but squat structure, carved out of WHITE stone with no shortage of indulgent swivelly details. If this thing had been built on Earth, I am assured it would have had gargoyles on it, as well as a few mobile phone advertisements. Instead, it just has stone states of… People, I think? It’s hard to tell, what with it being several kilometers away from the wall I’m sitting on. Even then, I can actually hear the excited cheering all the way from over here, which is a little insane.

The area closest to the colosseum is divided into four quarters, with three large buildings seemingly representing all quarters save for one. I call them buildings, but they really remind me more-so of like, cathedrals or something. They’re differently sized, but no less ornate than another. Interestingly enough, each cathedral is surrounded by a luscious bit of greenery, the biggest by blooming trees, the second-biggest by regular green-leafed trees, and the third and last—also the least— surrounded by orange, crisp-looking trees. The fourth quarter, the hypothetical north, is filled up with what looks to be a bazaar. It does have trees—the desolate, leafless kind—but no cathedral. Interesting.

The bazaar in the fourth quarter actually spreads more, reaching a marketplace that joins with a larger, more standard area, with shops and libraries and what I think is a courthouse, alongside other official buildings. The last area, closest to the wall, appears to be more of a standard living area, with houses of varying size and quality.

Most interesting of all, milling about between these buildings and shops and tents and trees, like little ants marching about, are not goblins, but humans. Humans.

More humans than I think I’ve seen in over one and a half years. Thousands of them. It’s honestly awe-inspiring, and as I sit perched up here like an owl trying to take in the sheer size of it all, a new smell slips into my nose, replacing the cold stone scent of the colosseum.

So, Moleman’s already here, huh? I grin to myself.

Looking down, the drop is only twenty meters. Yup, sounds good to me. Here we go!

With a skip, and a jump, and a—

Cra—ack!

Ah, whoopsie-daisy, looks like my leg didn’t much like that fall. Still, I’m on the ground now, so there’s no need to—

“Are you alright?”

“Hey, Lustrie, come heal this guy!”

Someone crouches down next to me and takes my hand.

“Keep calm, okay? Deep breaths. We’ll have a healer here in just a minute, so there’s no need to—”

All very well and nice, but I’m in a bit of a hurry, so I pull my hand away from theirs, stand up, force my leg into place, and get moving.

“H—hey, wait a minute! Walking will only make it—”

Getting down on all fours, I begin sprinting. Ugh. I don’t know why, but that felt gross. Oh, well. Despite how big this place is, it isn’t actually jam-packed or anything. More like… custard-packed. Or something. Whatever that means. In other words, I can run without needlessly crashing into someone. That way, I can avoid a repeat of that thing that just happened. Ughh…

By the time I reach the colosseum and the cathedrals, my leg has healed and I can see him. He’s in the opening of one of the colosseum’s four vomitoriums, being harassed by… some group of humans. I feel like I might recognise one or two of them, but to me, they might as well all be strangers.

As I sprint towards them, my mind fills with possibilities. Do I leap at them? They have pretty good armor, but below that, they’re still only flesh and blood. But what if they aren’t harassing him, only talking? Yeah, sure, but what if they’re robbing him and my hesitation gets him killed? Since the consequence is worse, I’ll just assume the worst-case scenario.

Wait for me Moleman, I’m coming to save you!