A child who looks like me

I have to say it. I need to say it.

Yet, the words just wouldn’t come out, and I could only bite my lips.

“You said you had something to say. Go on.”

Seeing me hesitate, Jiheon urged me on, his eyes still filled with an unsettled yearning.

His gaze was burning with a desire that was impossible to suppress, as if he was determined to fulfill his wants after hearing my ‘something to say.’

Like a mermaid who had lost her voice, I fumbled several times before finally blurting out something completely unrelated.

“…I’m hungry.”

“…”

It was an unexpected statement, but it definitely had an effect.

His intense gaze, which seemed to bind me, loosened.

You said you weren’t going to eat. Did your mind change? Right now?

I sensed a hint of rebellion in my heart at his questioning gaze, so I added a few more words.

“I said I’m hungry. Hungry. Hungry.”

“…Huh. I wondered why you were skipping a meal.”

In the end, Jiheon surrendered to my insistence and got up from his seat.

“Alright. Let’s eat. What should I make?”

As he opened the refrigerator, I rushed over to look inside. I thought I could bear the smell well enough for now. Kimchi pancakes with dongchimi broth would be perfect.

“Kimchi pancakes.”

“Got it. Just sit tight.”

Without hesitation, Jiheon rolled up his sleeves. Although it was my place, he was quite familiar with my kitchen, and it was almost like his own.

Kimchi pancakes weren’t difficult for him to make. Jiheon quickly prepared the batter and poured a ladleful into a frying pan coated with oil.

The sizzling sound of the batter hitting the hot oil made my mouth water. The queasiness I felt earlier seemed like a lie as I started to feel hungry.

After checking that the bottom of the batter was evenly cooked, Jiheon lifted the handle of the frying pan. With a flick of his wrist, he flipped the pancake. In the blink of an eye, the golden-brown side faced up.

“Wow. It’s amazing every time I see it.”

I marveled at his magical skills. As if in response to my praise, he flipped it again, and another round of awe escaped my lips.

A daily life filled with happiness, even more so than fulfilling desires. That said, the desires wouldn’t just vanish.

The two of us sat across from each other at a small table, enjoying the kimchi pancakes with dongchimi. It was a dish that was as delicious as it looked.

While watching me happily munch away, Jiheon reached out to touch my forehead again.

“How are you feeling now?”

“Yeah… I’m okay. I was fine from the start.”

As my appetite returned, I felt a bit stronger.

I thought I could manage going to the hospital by myself.

Let’s talk when things become clear. That’s okay.

“I should get going now.”

Not long after finishing our meal, Jiheon stood up.

“Already?”

“Yeah. I have something to do.”

His mention of having something to do wasn’t just an excuse.

Whether our time together was short or long, parting with him was always a bit sad. But I couldn’t hold onto him for too long.

I stood up alongside him and grabbed his coat. While he wasn’t looking, I secretly slipped a tangerine into the pocket.

As I handed it to him…

“Here’s your coat. Thanks…”

“What’s this?”

My words of gratitude never got to finish. In his hand was the pregnancy test.

I thought I had hidden it carefully in the desk drawer, but I hadn’t managed to conceal one out of four.

I hurriedly snatched the test from Jiheon’s hand and stuffed it back into the drawer.

But alas, that was a bigger mistake.

Jiheon opened the drawer again.

He found three more pregnancy tests similar to the one he had discovered.

I was going to talk about it after going to the hospital, but he found out first.

I couldn’t read any emotions from his expression. His sharp gaze made me feel dizzy.

“What is this?”

Jiheon asked again. But there was no need for me to respond any further.

Four pregnancy tests, and my pale face. My reaction was the most definitive answer.

Jiheon’s eyebrows tightened in disbelief.

Just then, his phone vibrated. After glancing at the name on the screen, Jiheon let out a short sigh and looked back at me.

Taking a step closer, I flinched and took half a step back. He moved closer, wrapping his arms around me.

“Don’t worry. Just rest for now.”

“…”

“We’ll talk tomorrow, okay?”

Patting my back, his soft words felt like a blanket wrapping around my shoulders. Yet, I couldn’t shake off the anxious feeling. It felt like I would have to pull away that blanket as soon as he left.

The parting time wasn’t long. After receiving his coat from me, Jiheon left right away. Even his words not to come out felt somewhat disappointing to me.

After he left, all kinds of worries spiraled one after the other.

What if he starts to doubt me?

What will happen to us moving forward? What will happen to me?

What if he says he wants to break up?

Even though sleepiness washed over me, I couldn’t fall asleep. The day felt endlessly long, even after the sun had set.

***

I received a message from him around 11 PM.

Startled awake by the vibration, I checked the name on the screen and immediately answered the call.

“Hello.”

[Were you sleeping? Sorry.] “Um, no. It’s fine.”

I replied while clearing my hoarse throat, but my lips felt dry instantly.

[You left a tangerine in your pocket.] He brought up the tangerine first.

Before we parted, I had slipped a tangerine into the pocket of Jiheon’s coat. It was one of the little pranks I occasionally pulled. Sometimes I would put in chocolate or candy.

“Yeah. I told you to eat it on your way.”

[It was good. I enjoyed it.] “Uh-huh….”

It was the usual trivial conversation, but it wasn’t the topic I was waiting for, so I responded listlessly.

His voice added weight to my worries again.

[Jeong-oh, let’s go to the hospital together.] “…Huh?”

My heart sank. Why is he suggesting we go to the hospital together? What does he want to do there?

[We need to get the maternity handbook.] “…….”

[I looked it up, and it said you get one after checking in.] My tension melted away, and tears welled up in my eyes.

I had been careful about contraception; how could this happen? Was there another man involved?

If I were to have a baby, wouldn’t it be better to give up?

I was terrified, thinking those kinds of things might come up.

[I’m sorry.] But he quietly apologized.

[I know you probably have a lot you want to do, and I’m holding you back.] “I thought you would hate it.”

At my tearful complaint, he spoke gently.

[How could I hate it? I just feel sorry for you.] Although our bodies were close, I often felt our hearts were far apart. There were times I felt disappointed because he was so stingy with expressing his emotions.

But hearing him speak so kindly felt like my troubled heart was being led into a warm home after wandering through rough storms.

I’m still very scared, but I’m glad. This man is a good person.

[Do you have time tomorrow? Let’s meet and talk. We’ll go to the hospital together.] “Okay.”

[Is three o’clock good?] “Yeah, that’s fine.”

[Alright. I’ll see you then.] Wiping away the tears welling in my eyes, I nodded vigorously as if I could see him right in front of me.

Did he hear me sniffle? He added another comment.

[You must have been very scared alone.] This time, I shook my head.

No. If I’m with you, I’m not scared anymore.

[Just don’t worry about anything tonight and get some rest. Okay?] “Yeah. Got it.”

By the end of the call, I was able to smile brightly.

For the first time, I thought about the baby.

It was something I hadn’t considered before.

***

If the baby comes to me, I’ll accept it as a blessing. I’ll be grateful.

I think I can do it. Because I have Jiheon.

As I was about to hang up after saying my final goodbye, he called out to me again.

[Jeong-oh.] My name sounded round and gentle.

It was clear and soft, like the sound of water flowing down the mountain, carried by the night breeze.

.*. *. *. *. *. *.

Jeong-oh.

On this rather chilly day, a warm name like the midday sun that seems to wrap another layer of clothing around me.

A name that brightens even the darkest nights.

[Huh?] She replied, as if to gently wrap that clear name.

“No. Sleep well.”

I almost said “I love you,” but I held it back.

For tomorrow.

After hanging up, Jiheon took a deep breath.

I wanted to soothe myself calmly, but would my feelings get across?

I had never not used contraception. So, there must have been a mistake.

There was one vague concern that lingered. I hadn’t said anything to avoid making her worry, but it seemed I only created more confusion for her.

He was surprised too but quickly composed himself.

Carrying a life can be a very challenging journey for someone. He had heard that his mother had wanted to have another child after giving birth to him, but she eventually gave up after visiting the hospital for a long time.

Therefore, a child would be a blessing. Jeong-oh should be blessed throughout the entire process as well.

As his resolve hardened, he hoped for a healthy pregnancy without any problems. He even imagined the lovely face of a child resembling Jeong-oh.

In that case, when we hold hands and go to the hospital, we must be a couple.

Even if the marriage registration is delayed a bit, even if the wedding is postponed, I believe our hearts should be united as one. He wanted her to feel completely secure with him.

On his way home, Jiheon stopped by a jewelry shop to buy an engagement ring. Although he couldn’t order one that fit her hand perfectly, the store staff said they would resize it when they came back together later.

Tomorrow. Yes. Tomorrow.

Thinking about the event tomorrow made his lips dry.

She might refuse the proposal.

She was still in her third year of college.

She had expressed a desire to find a job quickly to lessen her mother’s burden. She wanted to join an advertising company and become the best copywriter in Korea.

She was a woman with clear dreams and many aspirations.

The thought of being an obstacle to the woman he loved made his heart ache.

But, let’s find a way together.

‘We can do this, Jeong-oh.’

I won’t ruin your dreams. I’ll protect you.

I’ll become a better person.

***

He had never thought he would be cooking for himself for the rest of his life, but meeting Jeong-oh changed everything.

Like a child, her delight in delicious food made him love her even more, so he learned to cook a few dishes.

As she enjoyed his cooking, he wanted to be loved even more, leading him to try new things. When she mentioned how handsome the cooking man on TV was, jealousy drove him to put in more effort, and eventually, cooking became entirely Jiheon’s responsibility.

It was amazing how his life changed because of her, and soon enough, he found he couldn’t live without her.

Perhaps marriage was something he had long desired.

Jiheon looked affectionately at the tangerines Jeong-oh had put in his pocket. He ate one and brought the other home, feeling like he couldn’t waste it.

‘Even if I’m holding on tightly, I want to grip it even harder. Do you understand?’

Holding the tangerine, which was about the size of a baby’s fist, Jiheon smiled.

One day, he hoped that today’s worries would become cherished memories.

.*. *. *. *. *. *.

The next day.

Jiheon contacted Jeong-oh as usual.

– Are you in class? Pay attention in class and make sure to eat lunch. I’ll see you later. I’ll come pick you up.

It was his long-standing habit to contact her at noon.

– Yeah. See you!

In a hurry, her response was rushed and contained a typo. Jiheon chuckled at her message.

So cute.

He didn’t have the luxury of exchanging messages with her for long. She needed to focus on her class, and he had to prepare for the proposal.

The ring was ready, and he had to stop by the flower shop to pick up the flowers he had ordered. He needed to clear out the trunk of his car since he would be filling it with flowers.

He also had to dress nicely.

While he was choosing a suit, his phone vibrated. It was his mother.

Jiheon sighed heavily and answered the call.

“Hello.”

[Are you busy?] “Yes. A bit.”

From the short reply, he could hear his mother sigh on the other end.

[Why did you just show your face yesterday and leave? You didn’t even have time to talk to me.] He had rushed out from Jeong-oh’s house yesterday because of family obligations. He had to escort his mother, Ms. Jang Young-mi, to a charity event.

He needed to play the dutiful son at least once a year. If he didn’t meet his mother’s mood, he risked suffering all year long.

But yesterday, Jiheon was also preoccupied, and he hadn’t been able to escort her properly. He had only exchanged greetings before slipping away from the event.

“I’m sorry. I had something urgent to attend to.”

[Are you okay today? Your father is coming home early today. Come over, play a game of Go with him, and have dinner.] “Ah… I’m a bit busy today.”

[Busy again? What’s so busy?] “I’ll tell you later.”

[Is it something you can’t talk about right now?] “Is everything alright with you? Are you feeling well?”

Not wanting to speak about Jeong-oh, Jiheon changed the subject.

[I’m fine. But the other day, your brother was attacked. Someone threw eggs at his car.] His mother’s voice sounded alarmed, as if eggs were grenades.

“His car was attacked, not him.”

***

[Anyway, it’s terrible. Do you know how worried I am?] “Your brother is about to become the group’s CEO. Just tell him to be more careful.”

[Is he going to listen to me? Honestly, where do I have the energy to care about Ji-tae? I can’t even keep track of my own son.] Jeong Ji-tae, director of strategic planning at Seoyeon Foods, is Jiheon’s half-brother. He is a talent who will one day succeed his father as the head of the group.

Thanks to his brother, Jiheon could live relatively free from his father’s interference. While his mother disapproved of this, Jiheon was grateful to his brother.

“Don’t worry about me. You should rest. I’ll drop by soon. I want to introduce you to a friend.”

[What? Who?] “I’ll get back to you.”

Throwing out a topic that would pique his mother’s curiosity, Jiheon hurriedly ended the call.

If he succeeded in the proposal, he would have to tell his parents. He was sure his mother would feel a bit disappointed at first, but she would soon come to like her.

His mother, who had been his father’s secretary, had gone through many ups and downs before marriage. So, she would understand her position.

After checking his reflection in the mirror, Jiheon put the ring case in his pocket and left the house.

He hoped today would be a perfect day.

Imagining the few hours ahead made him both anxious and excited.

Jeong-oh. Our baby will be so beautiful.

The idea of a new life that he hadn’t even confirmed yet filled him with strange emotions.

There were so many things he wanted to do for the baby that would someday be born.

I’ll let them be the first to step on the snow that fell overnight.

I’ll let them see the stars rising.

I’ll teach them how to ride a bicycle.

I’ll hold their hand.

I’ll protect them.

I’ll look them in the eyes and tell them I love them.

The emotions he had never felt before already felt like they were taking shape, and his heart continued to flutter.

As Jiheon walked down to the underground parking lot, he made his way toward the parked car.

With each step he took, his footfalls felt both heavy and light.

The appointment was set for 3 PM. Despite having plenty of time, he couldn’t understand why his steps kept quickening.

But suddenly, a parked car blocked his path. Its headlights shone brightly.

As Jiheon raised his hand to shield his eyes from the blinding light, the car rushed toward him.

Gasp.

He hurriedly moved to the side, but it was not enough to avoid it.

The car, racing like a wild horse, slammed into Jiheon.

Crash!

Screech!

With a strike like lightning, Jiheon’s body was lifted onto the bumper and then smashed against the windshield, only to be thrown out onto the ground.

It all happened in an instant.

A flash of light flickered before his eyes, and in an instant, the world blurred. He felt the hot liquid flowing from his body soaking the ground.

***

No.

Jeong-oh. I need to get to you.

Despite his will, he couldn’t move his body. A searing pain surged through him as if his body were being torn apart.

As his consciousness faded, he heard the sound of a car door opening and footsteps approaching.

Thud thud. The footsteps stopped in front of him. Jiheon couldn’t even lift his head.

Help me. Please, help me.

He shouted dozens of times in his heart, but he could not make a sound.

However, the person responsible for the accident showed no intention of helping Jiheon and instead asked a strange question.

“Have you ever heard the name…?”

What?

It felt as if he had lost his hearing; the man’s voice sounded distant and unclear.

The man who asked such a pointless question abandoned Jiheon and got back into his car.

With the sound of the car driving away, Jiheon felt life slipping away from him. It was as if the angel of death had arrived; his body felt cold.

He gathered all his strength to squirm. He felt the edge of the ring case brush against his fingertips.

He thought of the lovely partner he had wanted to love even more in the many days to come.

Long hair swaying gently like cosmos flowers. A pale face. Large eyes that became crescent moons when she smiled.

You have such a beautiful smile.

‘Jeong-oh.’

The thought of her crying made his heart feel as if it were being torn apart.

I wanted to treat you well. More, more, I wanted to treat you well.

I wanted to live happily for a long time.

Will you have to give up the child because of me?

Yes, it would be hard to raise them alone.

But I understand.

I love you. Jeong-oh.

Why did I hold back those words?

Why couldn’t I express myself more?

At the end of life, shrouded in black mist, Jiheon wept desperately.

I’m sorry. Jeong-oh.

I love you…