1st in class hides regression

Ten years ago. The morning I was on my way to take the SATs.

 

On the subway, an old man grabbed me by the hair.

 “You’re so cheeky, you don’t give way to adults!”. “Ouch!” “Oh, old man, I didn’t realize you were looking at your book!” “Help! Help me!” 

I was a kid who was sure I would go to a Korean university if I didn’t screw up the SATs.

 

If I didn’t screw up the SAT.

 

And now, 10 years later…

 

I’m standing on a rooftop.

 

Of course, I’m not standing there to die.

 

I’m standing because I’m like X…

 

My current age, twenty-nine.

 

All my male classmates from the army are already employed.

 

The ones who got jobs early got promoted, changed jobs, and are busy. The price of the restaurant where we get together once a quarter is getting higher and higher.

 

Meanwhile, I’m the only one who still hasn’t found a job, and I’m doing a transitional internship.

 

My manager, who is 11 years older than me, has been harassing me since I turned down his invitation to go out for drinks after work, and my evaluation score for a full-time position is at rock bottom.

 

I’ve already made the transition, and I’m hanging on for dear life on an intern’s salary.

 

I’m holding on for dear life… while resisting the urge to run away.

 [Mom: I’ve got a bunch of junk food at home, eat it after work]. “…I can’t look at your face, mom, if I fail again.” 

It’s been four years since I slipped up on a paper, sometimes in an interview.

 

My mom doesn’t say it out loud because I keep failing, but this time, I could tell she was really looking forward to it.

 

This suit I’m wearing, my mom bought it for me because I didn’t have anything to wear to work.

 

I come home late at night and there are bags of her pills on the sink. She works 12 hours a day on her feet to support her 29-year-old daughter, who is physically fit.

 “I don’t know what I’m going to do if I fail again.” 

She sighs and looks up at the sky.

 

If someone had told me in high school,

“This is how you’re going to live your life,”

and spoiled my future, I would have laughed in their face.

 

‘Where did I go wrong?’

 “I don’t know.” 

I sighed and cast my gaze to the opposite building.

 

I could see a giant billboard on the exterior wall of the skyscraper, spewing light.

 

The largest billboard on Gangnam Boulevard was plastered with the face of a handsome man wearing an American football jersey and black under his eyes.

 

The words underneath read.

 [Congratulations on the 10th anniversary of Jung Eun-sung’s debut.] “Why did he follow me all the way here to harass me?” 

I grumbled as I looked at the handsome man who was smiling like the sun.

 “I’m hiding here because I don’t want to see you right now.” 

I glared at him with intensity. The faint scar on his left cheek, which must have been blown out during photo retouching, is invisible here.

 “Still, congratulations, Eun-sung. You’ve realized your dream.” 

‘As long as you don’t crash, you’re going to win forever, and a scar on your cheek doesn’t detract from your charm.’

 

Q: Why are you suddenly talking about a man instead of bemoaning your lot? Who is he?

 

A: Actor Jung Eun-sung.

 

He debuted at the age of 19 as the main vocalist of a male idol group under a major agency.

 

Upon his debut, the group exploded in popularity and became Korea’s leading boy group…

 

Less than three years later, the group leader was jailed for drugs.

 

The youngest member of the group was involved in a premarital pregnancy scandal with his influencer girlfriend, one of the frequent entertainment appearances got drunk at a club and assaulted a staff member, the oldest brother gambled away, one got into a drunk driving hit-and-run, and the one foreign member left the group and went to the United States.

 

Jung Eun-sung was the only one who survived and fulfilled his contract and turned to acting.

 

He was my high school classmate ten years ago, and we were even in the same class at one point, but we hadn’t seen each other since high school graduation, and then-!

 

Today.

 

I reunited with Jung Eun-sung for the first time in 10 years when he came to do a photo shoot for my company.

 “Kang Dahye, I’ll do whatever it takes to make sure you don’t switch, okay?! 

I was eating a bowl of curses from my deputy.

 

As I begged to apologize for the embarrassment of having my boss yelling at me in front of everyone, my eyes locked with Jung Eun-sung, who had just entered the scene.

 

‘…You recognized me, didn’t you?’

 

Of course he did.

 

Look at the look on his face, he didn’t recognize me.

 

But I’m glad he had enough sense not to pretend to recognize me there.

 

His lips curled into a smile, and a fresh white puff of breath escaped.

 

I looked back at Jung Eun-sung’s 10th anniversary commercial again.

 “You haven’t changed since high school.” 

High school.

 

Looking back, I think it was the most hopeful time of my life.

 

It was hard, but I believed that I had a bright future ahead of me.

 

Whereas now…

 

‘I’m going downhill.’

 

I don’t want to live like this, but I can’t see a breakthrough.

 

I’m always feeling sick to my stomach, and the thought of the future makes my breath tighten.

 

At night, when I lie down to sleep, I think to myself.

 

“If only I hadn’t taken that subway on the day of the SAT.”

 

I know it’s ridiculous to still blame the SATs 10 years later.

 

I know that a bad SAT doesn’t mean a bad life.

 

But I would say that my life changed from that day.

 

I got into a car accident while preparing for the half by myself, and the next year’s SAT was a bust, and everything I did after that went wrong.

 

A couple of years ago, my mom’s store closed due to the pandemic.

 

Everything was bad.

 

It was as if someone had twisted my fate.

 

For 10 years straight.

 

It was enough time to turn a teenage girl burning with ambition into a depressed 20-something with no dreams and no hope.

 “Ugh.” 

I rubbed my palms over my burning eyes.

 

Let’s not cry.

 

Crying in here makes me look like an asshole.

 “I don’t want to live.” 

Or more accurately, I don’t want to live (like this).

 

I pulled my hand away from my eyes and stood up, turning around.

 

My eyes locked with someone who had just opened the rooftop door.

 

It was Jung Eun-sung.

 

He must have heard me talking to myself, because his expression turned serious.

 

I took a step back in panic.

 “…Huh?” 

My body, which hadn’t eaten since 7:30 a.m., shook.

 “Kang Dahye?” “Uh…? Uh…? Uh…? Uh!” “KANG DAHYE!!!!!!!” 

I fell from the roof.

 

And I regressed.