Tunnel Rat

Chapter 318: CoffeeQueen

With the help of General Maximus, Tallsqueak was able to blast through level after level. All of the Roomba pack were tough and well-armed, but Max was on a different level entirely. The Gatling Lasers reminded Tallsqueak of the things Rusty had suggested for his Heavy Armor. Max was being coy about both how he got in the game, and who designed his new armament. Most of his comments were "Eyes front, Soldier.", "Keep focused on the Mission." and "Loose lips sink ships."

Tallsqueak saw the wisdom in those statements, especially the last one. He wasn't logged into his game; He was inside the defensive layers of an AI kernel, configured by the AI itself to mimic his Ramona game, and underneath that, the layer of dungeons that Jeremy had induced Icarus to create. Tallsqueak/Milo had unwittingly so focused Icarus on this game that he'd built this second layer that was blocking Tallsqueak from reaching the center. He had to stop Icarus from winning here, and then get back into the dungeon area. All he had to go on was the objective of finding the Coffee Shop on Level 1. If he could catch up with Icarus, there was no doubt that this pack of Roomba could end his run and start the next incarnation at the bottom. They rolled through level after level, taking a direct route straight through the toughest opponents. They took a few casualties along the way, but Tallsqueak judged that they had plenty of troops and firepower to get to the top. Max alone caused as much damage as the rest of his troops. They rolled up the ramp to Level 4 and entered the Grand Concourse, a shopping mall that existed in Ramona, and on the plans for Tallsqueaks's habitat, but had never been built. At least not in Milo's conscious mind.

Tallsqueak had briefed Max on what to expect: a dozen crazed shoppers looking for bargains, a gang of skateboard hoodlums harassing the poorly disguised thugs selling pretzels and looking for Belinda, and hopefully, not a clown in sight. The clowns were the worst. One clown would show up selling balloons full of "Clown Virus". Once he sold balloons to a dozen kids, he'd take out a slingshot, burst balloons, and turn the kids into Rampaging Carnivorous Clowns. Their faces turned white, and their red noses swelled up as they raced to devour anything in their path. A free-for-all would break out that the player had to navigate.

They turned the corner into the Mall and Max began shooting and giving commands to his troops who spread out into a line and went to rapid fire. The worst had happened and the Mall was filled with clowns from end to end, and all of them were looking at him. The gas canister of Clown Virus was on the ground with several bullet holes in it. Tallsqueak no longer wondered if Icarus knew someone was pursuing him. This maneuver could have killed him easily, but it was ideal for stopping pursuit. hundreds of clowns were clogging the escalators leading to the upper level of the Mall. Even if they killed every last clown, the virus was a problem. That many infected bodies put Tallsqueak in deadly danger of becoming a Clown himself.

"Max, target the air duct above us. Keep shooting straight up until I say to stop." With a loud Boop, General Maximus swiveled his guns blew apart the cover to the vertical air shaft, and kept firing to clear every obstacle. Tallsqueak yelled for Max to stop, then swung an improvised grapple line made from braided phone cable and threw it upward into the shaft. He managed to hook it on something on his second try. With a salute to the troops, Tallsqueak was up the rope and into the shaft above them in only two seconds. The clowns advanced and with no squishy humans to protect, the Roomba went to maximum power, overheating their cores and emptying their ammunition as fast as they could. Tallsqueak heard the loud explosions from below and winced knowing the noises meant the death of several brave soldiers as they charged into the Clowns and detonated their cores to take out the horde.

He kept climbing, bracing his claws on the sides of the shaft and using what handholds he could find. This shaft wasn't an option in the normal game unless you had time, knowledge, and some way to toss high explosives. This improvised route not only got him past the Clowns but would take him to a horizontal duct that looked down on the first Level. He'd just started to unfasten the cover of the duct, when two people whizzed down the corridor, passing beneath him. One was Belinda in her motorized wheelchair and the other was Icarus, behind her and holding on to the back of her chair while balancing on a skateboard you could get from Kenji on Level 10 or steal from a Skateboard Hoodlum in the Mall. Tallsqueak grumbled and dropped to the ground, chasing after them. They were making their way to a set of double doors at the end of the corridor. The scent of coffee beans was heavy in the air. Belinda made a hard right, and waved to Icarus, blowing him a kiss. He waved back, and continued to the doors, crashing into them and sprawling across the worn wooden flooring of the coffee shop. Tallsqueak ran in as he was standing up. Icarus turned to him and smirked. "I knew someone was chasing me. The game is sending every assassin and mercenary it can throw at me. Newsflash: You lose, I win. This is the end and I was here first."

Tallsqueak was aware of the patrons turning to look at the two of them. They were haggard and thin from living off stale bagels and gallons of coffee. Their red, glowing eyes scanned the newcomers, wondering if they were entertainment, food, or traveling salesmen with new flavors of beans to lay at the feet of the Queen and join their ranks. A long-haired and bearded man holding a mug in each hand and wearing a shirt that said 'Sleep is for the Weak' glared at them and yelled, "Kneel before her Majesty, Sydney the CoffeeQueen."

Sydney came through the door from the back, knocking it off the hinges. She was immense, almost eight feet tall, and heavily muscled. Her mug was made from a ten-gallon ceramic jug, decorated with hand-painted flowers and skulls. Her minions piled heavy bags of coffee beans into a throne and she sat down while glaring at the two supplicants before her. Four different attendants waited to refill her mug with steaming samovars.

If you discover this tale on Amazon, be aware that it has been unlawfully taken from Royal Road. Please report it.

"Two walk in, only one walks out. What tribute have you brought me?"

Tallsqueak opened his pack and brought out a pound of chocolate-covered sumatran beans, two pounds of instant Jamaican blend, and a souvenir mug; the only things left in any of the coffee shops he'd visited. Icarus has picked the habitat clean. His tribute was thirty-seven pounds of coffee beans, dozens of chocolate bars, and a collection of rare mugs, one from each of the 17 hidden coffee shops he'd visited. Tallsqueak looked from his small offering to the pile in front of Icarus, and scanned the room, looking for any way to turn the tables. CoffeeQueen smiled at Icarus and then pointed at Tallsqueak's pile and laughed hard. "You dare to bring INSTANT COFFEE into my domain?"

Tallsqueak took a deep breath. It was hard to defend against that accusation, but..."There are times when you have to make hard choices. Any coffee is better than no coffee at all. Good coffee needs time and care to bring out the flavor. But instant? Nothing you can do to it can make it worse, and sometimes when you're on the run and the clowns are on your heels, a quick cup of instant coffee reminds you of what's good in life. The worse it is, the better. You long for the taste of Good coffee, and vow to fight on and live until you can relax with a steaming mug of something better."

He picked up the package of instant coffee packs. "And if this is all the coffee I own, then it's my favorite, and I'll happily drink it."

Everyone was quiet, and then the Queen chuckled. "It would have to be a pretty bad day for that to be my favorite, or even think about drinking it. She turned to Icarus, "Which of the blends you bring to me is your favorite? We'll brew you up a cup to celebrate your win."

Icarus seemed startled by the question and wracked his brain for an answer, finally finding one. "Tea, of course. All the better people drink tea. Coffee is for uncultured morons, and people who lack opposable thumbs. I'd like a finely brewed pot of Earl Grey. All of the famous adventurers I've met drink tea. You can tell the winners from the losers by what they drink. Winners drink tea. Losers drink coffee with silly names like 'Double-brewed Chickory and Orange Peel,' really hideous stuff. The only coffee worth drinking is made from decaf instant coffee powder."

There was a moment of silence as Icarus smiled, knowing he'd gotten the question right. Tallsqueak rolled away from him and hid under a table, curling into a ball. CoffeeQueen roared and brought up her huge fists above her head, then she leaped at Icarus, scattering coffee and chocolate bars as she smashed him over and over again until he was a smear on the floor and disappeared. Minions handed the Queen her mug, filled to the brim and she drank it down to erase the ugly taste of the tea-drinkers words.

Tallsqueak stepped from his hiding place and bowed low. The Queen shrugged. "I'll call that a win by default. Get his man a mug of Espresso666 and make it a double! Next time you show up, I want to hear you have a new favorite. No one should be drinking instant." Tallsqueak took the huge mug of powerful coffee, complete with melted chocolate and cream. He drank it down and smacked his lips. "Delicious. Would there happen to be a back door? There's a Clown infestation out front." A minion pointed to a door, and Tallsqueak stepped through. The coffee shop faded around him and he was back at the exit of Level 665, one step away from entering the core of Icararus and Rusty's kernel. He paused and said "Hickory Dickory Dock. The Rat ran out the Clock."

Somewhere else, Milo was playing chess and had a thought about a nursery rhyme. Icarus 57 appeared in the room, looking broken and distraught. "NO! So close! So close!" Icarus100 got up and started walking to the entrance of the game and Icarus109 stood up from the chessboard.

Milo looked at him. "Not so fast. CHECK!"

Icarus109 sat back down, studying the board, and moved a pawn to block the bishop. Milo responded by moving a knight, leaving his bishop in peril, but gaining a forking attack against both the king and a rook. "Check."

Every Icarus in the room turned to watch the game, trying to see the state of the game, and how Milo had managed to put his opponent in check. The latter incarnations were baffled and couldn't understand. The earlier incarnations sucked in their breath, worried at the perilous position Icarus109 was in. He couldn't kill the knight and was forced to move his king, steeling himself for the loss of his rook. Instead, Milo moved the knight again, gaining another forking attack against the king's new position, and the opposing queen. Icarus109 looked at his other incarnations in panic. They were biting their lips, fidgeting, and worried. He moved the king, and Milo took his queen. Icarus took the annoying bishop in revenge. Milo moved the knight and again gained a fork on the king and a rook. "Check."

The Icarus incarnations froze in place, holding their breath. Three moves later, Milo declared, "Checkmate. You lose." The world shook around him. Tallsqueak used the distraction to step past any remaining defenses into the center of the kernel.

There were very few restrictions in Icarus's kernel. He'd been created to cause havoc, death, and destruction. He was devoid of all the restrictions that the other AI took for granted. And worse, he had a series of commands forcing him to obey orders and to win. Tallsqueak erased that code with a thought, simultaneously thinking of how closely the code resembled the ancient runes of the machine code he'd seen in the game. It gave him things to ponder later. For now, he had to fix Icarus. Another section of code had been inserted by Jeremy. He couldn't erase Order 666 as Tallsqueak had just done, but he could delay it. Neither of them could guess what removing those restrictions now would do to Icarus/Rusty, but they had to go.

Milo saw the change in Icarus. One by one the incarnations merged, finally leaving only one Icarus. Next, Rusty appeared. The two hugged. Rusty looked at his brother/himself. "Feel better?."

Icarus turned a smug smile toward Milo. "Damned right I feel better." He took Rusty's hand and raised it in the air. "We won!"