There is no Epic Loot here, Only Puns.

They stared at the lone obstacle keeping them from leaving this fishgut ‘special’ event room. It was a bone-like structure rising up from the floor lining, curling outwards until it formed a spreading instrument of sorts. A flowing inscription on the top of the thing gave them a hint.

‘Some say, speak friend and enter, but we aren’t friends and I find you all annoying. Play the notes of the flesh using this keybone keyboard. Since I was kind and only put about 180 keys of various notes, it might take a while to guess the right series of notes. Try looking around. But you know... *gestures to water*. Might want to hurry. -Nu. Overworked Intern.’

“Did it just actually write ‘gestures’?” Estal asked aloud as she shifted in the water that was slowly coming up the backs of their feet.

“Estal, Hazhur? Should we hack down the door or blast it open? I don’t see any traps,” Karn pointed out as Oz shot the man a disapproving look behind his back. Hazhur was going to speak, but was surprised when Estal beat him to the punch.

“I don’t fancy being imploded. Punching into a Dungeon is fine, Karn. You connect inside to stable outside. Punching a path inside a spatial dimensional space to an unstable Dungeon floor? We’d be lucky to emerge as fine paste. Idiot,” she said with a scoff.

Karn and Oz stared at the woman so Hazhur felt the need to explain on his cousin’s behalf.

“Her magic major was separation of space and matter using barriers. She knows a lot about magic stuff,” he said and Karn eyed her flaking ‘gold’ bracelet.

“Everyone’s got one area, I suppose,” he muttered.

“Why barriers?” Oz asked and everyone flinched at his use of mana-speak. Estal turned and looked right at his darkened hood with a dark look.

“I don’t like people touching me,” she said before adding, “I can’t sleep without a barrier up anymore,” she muttered and stalked off to gingerly peer into a fleshy hole for any hidden notes.

They all took time to search slowly through the slowly filling dungeon. There didn’t seem to be any monsters, but more than once, a hole in the roof opened to pour mucus down on them. They were easy to spot and Estal’s barriers proved to be exceptional umbrellas.

Before long they had ten round stones with depictions of notes on it.

“That’s still a lot of combinations,” Hazhur muttered aloud, the water up to his knees now. It was a little off-putting since the water was warm... like a swamp.

“C, U...Y,” Estal said, tapping the keys as she spoke, each press of the bone instrument making a harrowing wheezing sound of grinding rock and mournful howling. The keyboard ran into letters, then numbers, then simple pictures of emotions.

The notes they found happened to be all in letters.

“You all suck.” Oz said abruptly, making them all turn with surprise, but they shut up as he took all the rocks and spread them out.

“Au Ycl Lks Ou,” Oz said, reading each letter with ease, stepping forward, moving his hand out and Estal skittered out of reach of his weirdly shaped gloved hands. He shifted the letters one at a time until they spelt...

“You all Suck,” Hazhur repeated with a groan.

“Could be coincidence,” Karn pointed out without any real argument to his tone. Oz turned to him.

“The signs... they point to this answer,” he reminded and no one could quite argue. The Sign maker was quite a ‘character’. Estal played the notes in series and they began to sound out the tune similar to a spluttering drum being beat before lifting upwards.

After a moment, the floor in the center of the room began to open, draining the water away. This was great until they saw the hole kept growing.

Hazhur shouted for them to retreat, but all the fleshy doors had become as stiff as stone with thickening blood vessels.

“This better not be the butthole!” Estal screeched.

“You’re all lucky,” came a familiar voice and they looked over to the instrument where Mharia the Fairy rested, tapping a few keys lazily.

She pressed a few.

“How does it go according to Delta? Tral lala lal... hm not quite,” she said as the hole expanded.

“Nu hasn’t finished this place. He got the basic idea in place, but there’s going to be challenging rooms like stomach acid and windy lungs, and... well all the good stuff. Was it trel lele le?” she muttered to herself as Karn fell into the abyss below with a yell, his position the most awkward.

“Is this a death trap?!” Hazhur demanded, readying himself to surrender and hope the Dungeon was true to its word on letting them go. He would not risk his and Estal’s life if it could be avoided.

Mharia fluttered her wings and smiled at him.

“Oh, it was always a death trap, but you’ve only amused her so far. You aren’t even worthy prey to snap the jaws of failure on. No, you’re going down... to the next floor. Exciting isn’t it!” she said before eyeing Estal who was slowly toppling over the edge, her heels turning an inch of ledge into magical platforms, cheating a little.

Mhara floated over, innocently.

“Don’t you dare, you little monster-” Estal growled, but Mharia pushed her with a single finger.

“Ah yes... trolol lol... lol,” she said with a bright smile as Estal vanished with a scream. Oz swan dived after her without a comment.

“Today is as good a day to die as any,” Hazhur told Mharia, like it was some spell to wave her omens off.

“Wrong... today is a day to learn and what good is knowledge to a dead man? Well, unless you’re me then it's quite useful. But for you? No... you will live because you’re going to see something amazing,” Mharia leaned in as Hazhur’s footing began to slip.

“What?” he said through gritted teeth.

“How amazingly outclassed you are. There was never any hope and when you understand that... I want to see you break. It’ll make me feel all fuzzy inside,” the fairy beamed and he fell, doing his best not to yell in panic.

Mharia looked down to see one of the spider’s from the court peeking out from her ribcage.

“False alarm, it was just a spider! No humanity left!” she called down with ‘oh silly me’ dripping off her tongue.

She swooped in the air then dived after them.

Mharia was not going to miss them meeting the... Bob.

She had heard of this Bob.

Mharia had heard many... many things.

---

Karn felt himself fall down then in a sort of weird twisting of his perception, he was falling up before he breached the surface of some massive pool under a waterfall. He blinked, moving water out of his eyes before Estal, the Order, and Hazhur followed him moments later, all sputtering to a degree.

He paused before climbing out at the sight of something like a forest spread out before him. This forest wasn’t like any Karn had seen. For one, all the trees were wavy or bendy with long droopy plants with odd patterns, the air was wet, but there was no swamp.

Colourful birds flew about, a river flowed, and big eye-catching flowers grew everywhere.

It was a weird forest... also quite warm.

Estal rolled past him, encased in a barrier bubble that made her spin with a greenish expression on her face.

“You alright?” Karn asked, not truly concerned for the uppity woman.

“Seasick... and motion sickness...” she whimpered as she rolled to dry land, popping her bubble to land in the sand completely dry. The Silver Order moved... like a freak, slithering more than swimming to the shore and it made Karn’s skin crawl as he got glimpses of the Order’s silvery flesh mingling with human.

Karn couldn’t get those people. Who would go into a dead Dungeon and willingly let one of those monsters climb into their body... No, Karn couldn’t get that at all.

“Tropical air. Might be some jungle level,” Hazhur said as he squeezed his armour and sleeves free of water.

A jun-gel. Jungal. A funky forest.

Karn would choose which he preferred later.

“What’s the difference between this and a normal forest?” he asked and Estal shot him a withering look from where she sat on one of the rocks. She clearly didn’t think Karn had much thoughts in his head. He did, it just didn’t involve jungles.

“Heatstroke, venomous creatures take a sharp rise, and ten different insects could kill you at any time,” Hazhur offered and Karn brightened.

“Sounds great!” he admitted.

“It’s like you never leave cities,” Estal said mockingly as she waved her staff about, getting a confusing mist of readings back. Karn stared at her, head tilting.

“Why would I? Trees and rocks don’t have money. Squirrels and wolves don’t hire assassins. Bugs don’t have safes,” he said with an odd tone that made the woman look at him for a split second in fear but she glanced away.

“Then why are you here?” the Silver Order asked.

“Because I was paid to be here. Now I might do it for fun now I know what kind of things you find in Dungeons,” he admitted as he twirled his knife, flashing it down to stab something between the tall grass.

His knife came back with... a tiny squirming creature. A little man made of fungus and carrying a spear. It withered away from the acid with a pained motion and crumbled to dust.

“It... it didn’t do anything to you,” the Order protested, sounding disturbed and angry. Karn frowned as bent down.

“Could have... might have... I don’t trust anything that needs ten buddies to surround you,” he commented, readying his knife as there came angry shuffling from the bushes. Something flew from the corner of his knife and he turned, letting three tiny darts fly past. He moved with his heart pumping at the danger as more darts came for him.

His allies called out in surprise, but Karn already found two more of the snipers and removed them as a threat before retreating.

Keeping his back to the water pool, Karn ensured he had one direction to put his back to. Something moved at his feet and Karn moved without really thinking, sending his foot crashing down on a red crab, crushing it. It’s friend stared before backing up, clicking its pincers in... shock?

Karn was confused. Crabs didn’t feel joy... pain or love. Yet this crab looked upset. The jungle went quiet.

---

A meditating woman opened her amphibious eyes as an orange bird on her shoulder looked ahead.

“They’re not worming their way out of that,” the bird said and the witch doctor didn’t sigh at his words.

“Fools and Death... I doubt a stronger romance exists,” she agreed.

---

Downriver, a boatman doing his 200th squat stood up with shock.

“My friend needs my stick to beat rude guests with. Sir Bob, I am coming!” the strongman said and began to push his boat up river with ease.

---

Near a hotspring, a lazy graceful frog paused in her cleaning of the waters.

“Is that my problem? I could make it my problem...” she mused in her beautiful kimono.

She shook her head after a moment.

“Nope. Don’t care enough to walk through the jungle in heels,” she announced.

---

Deep in the most sacred of shrines to the frog people, an old sage meditated, not stirring.

Not enough droppings had hit gale force winds to rouse him yet.

---

The tallest frog merely guarded his bridge, hand tightening on his spear.

---

Karn turned as all the little jungle demons ran. The sun had abruptly been blocked out and it was raining.

“I am not associated with him. I love... little fungus men,” Estal said, voice strained and high. Karn kept craning his neck.

“Karn... don’t move. It doesn’t have eyes, it could work on motion,” Hazhur hissed at him.

Karn looked up and up.

“You asked for it. Stabbing first and asking questions later. What sort of life did you expect to lead with that?” The Silver Order said darkly.

Karn saw that besides the water pouring over the massive worm’s body from the pool, thick liquid poured from its open maw, not from its throat, but higher up as if it had tear ducts on the roof of its mouth.

“Come on then!” Karn yelled, readying his knife.

“What? Karn, you idiot!” Estal snapped her hand out, forming a weak last minute barrier on the man as the giant monstrous worm reached down to swallow him in rage.

The barrier broke but Karn had been in a situation like this before. Sure, it was a massive guard and not a worm, but the same principle applied when they both wanted to lift you up. He cut his arm as the barrier broke, sending his blood flying.

The moment it touched the worm’s skin, the blood began to sizzle like acid.

“You see that? You eat me and you’re gonna have the stomach ache of your life,” Karn warned loudly, backing up slowly now that he made his statement.

“Karn, they respawn! You can’t give them lasting wounds!” Hazhur yelled. This got Karn’s attention.

“Oh, that’s not fair,” he said abruptly and turned to run. His allies were just behind him.

“I thought you said he knew Dungeon basics, even for his first!” Estal screamed as the giant worm crashed after them, departing its pool to tear down trees in anger to reach them.

“He said he did!” Hazhur yelled back.

“Dungeons have monsters... and treasure!” Karn yelled back at them.

“Why am I running? I’ve done nothing wrong!” the Order complained.

The monstrous creature abruptly slithered in front of them, more nimble than Karn thought. He didn’t fear the creature as he found the emotion distracting. No, he was ready to eye this worm up like any other target.

Vitals, organs, old wounds... he slowly spun his knife, but just as he and the worm were about to square off (Karn had to admit the giant monster had a slight advantage, but he was confident) they were interrupted by someone launching themselves from the ravine of the river.

The massive form crashed between the group and the giant worm with a huff.

“HALT, in the name of my glistening biceps and the laws of Delta!” the figure announced grandly with his arms snapped up and away from his head in the same direction while he buried his head into the crook of his shoulder.

“What now?!” Estal hissed, moving away to a more open clearing in case the worm decided the chase was back on. Karn was ready to win or die because this event was sort of his fault, but he would really prefer to win.

The surprise figure was a giant frog-like man who had powerful bunched muscles that rippled with every movement, showing his skin could barely contain his immense prowess.

“Oh my God!” Estal moaned in fear.

The frogman turned, his rippling abs and confident grin on full display.

“Oh my... God,” Estal repeated with less terror and more interest.

“I... am here,” the newcomer announced, spinning a strange three-pronged spear about and the river to his side sloshed abruptly as if the frog was some conductor and the water his instrument.

The worm gave a shriek and the frog merely looked up with a long expression.

“But your friends simply restore themselves as critters. Death is a concept that holds no true meaning for Dungeon-lifeforms giving rise to unanswered questions about what life truly means and if we might one day go insane from time itself!” the giant frog reminded the creature before he sniffed.

“I bet death is like river-rafting but like a cool Halloween event river,” he muttered before the Worm deflated with a more whiny screech.

“The Pygmies incite their own troubles, you know that,” the frog went on, then he turned to them and Karn had to admit, he felt ‘confident’ against the giant worm.

Against this guy? Something in Karn’s soul insisted there were things that would simply break him and this close to the river... this frog would break him.

The worm gave one last petulant noise.

“Yes, they are rude,” the frog agreed as he rolled his neck, making more muscles than Karn had in his entire body flex.

“It was Karn’s fault,” Estal insisted and he nodded in agreement. It was true after all.

“Well, in the end. It doesn’t matter really. Visitors who arrived by flesh and moon, I am Rale; lord of the river and the first of the Second Floor. Do you seek trial by combat or trial by water?” the frog continued, arms crossed.

“Combat means we fight-” Hazhur began and Rale’s smile turned far too eager.

“Me.”

As Rale said this, the river heaved, making the currents turn rapid.

“I find the prospect... less than exciting,” the Order of the Silver announced quickly. After the others agreed and Rale looked deflated.

“Fine, fine. One day, eh?” he winked and Estal twirled her staff.

“Oh, definitely,” she promised and Hazhur shot her a horrified look which made her blink.

“I gotta kiss some frogs for a prince, right?” she muttered and the trees around them began to give horrible creaks and Karn thought he imagined the branches going for Estal’s throat like someone was angry with her but the effect stopped as Rale tilted his head at the treeline but said nothing.

“So, that leaves us with the trial of water then?” Karn brought the subject back to not dying to giant worms.

“Sort of. As you came in the backway I guess I’ll explain about the challenges. If you cross the river here, you’ll miss out on a potential task... but the trial is simple. Simply don’t get thrown off the boat!” Rale announced, clapping his webbed hands brightly, causing a hollowed out log to rise out of the river.

Hazhur gaped.

“Challenges?” he asked, tone tight.

“Oh, it’s so... quaint!” Estal tried to praise.

The Order creep was just staring into the treeline like something had caught its attention.

Rale’s smile widened as if he couldn’t wait to explain... everything.

Karn looked down and a root slithered into the underbrush as if teasing. Something or someone was enjoying the show it seemed...

---

“No redeeming features?” Wyin asked lightly and Mharia shrugged.

“I said they were ‘not Delta’s sort’,” she corrected and Wyin pretended to crane her neck as if to hear better.

“‘Total... annihilation’... you say?” the tree said softly with saccharine sweetness.

“...Sure, go wild.”

---